Conflicted

by Heather Dahlgren

  “Young, shut the fuck up already. Becca doesn’t like to talk about that shit.” I peek through my fingers and see her whispering to him. He gets a huge smile on his face and nods his head. “Fuck, yea. Okay, I’m sorry, Becca, no more.” I watch him pinch her boob right here in the bar; it’s like I’m not sitting here. She must have promised him something sexual. I shake off the thought and smile when I see Campbell and Kenz walk in. They sit down, Kenz on his lap. “What the fuck took you guys so long? I fucked Maddie before we left and still made it here on time.” They all laugh, and I just shake my head.

  “Okay, well, we wanted to talk to you guys about the wedding, so when Jeff gets back.” Campbell kisses her temple and whispers in her ear. It truly is an amazing love story. Jeff comes back with everyone’s drinks. He even saw Campbell and Kenz come in and got them one. See how incredibly sweet he is.

  “Alright, everyone is here. Can we fucking hear it now?” I just laugh at Maddie, but I’m as excited as she is.

  “No, not everyone is here.” Campbell pulls out his cell phone, dials, and puts it on the table.

  “Hello?” I smile when I hear Dick’s voice. He’s been gone two months already, and we still have a month to go. All of us miss him immensely.

  “Dickhead!”

  “Hi, man. Listen, we are at the bar with everyone, and we needed you here too. So even though you’re not here, you’re here.” He laughs, and I swear I think I hear a woman’s voice. Maybe his sister, but maybe, he is with someone and knowing that makes my smile even bigger.

  “Hey, guys. So what’s up?” We lean in to the table to be able to hear him over all the noise in here.

  “We wanted to first let you all know we picked a date for the wedding.” We look at them, waiting anxiously to hear it. “November first.” I squeal and jump up to hug Kenz. Maddie joins me, and we squeeze her tight.

  “I’m so happy for you guys.” When we break apart, Young gives Campbell a high five, and Jeff shakes his hand.

  “That’s great. Congratulations.” I smile at the phone again.

  “While we have you all here, Maddie and Becca, I want you guys to be my bridesmaids.” I feel myself choking up again.

  “Oh my God, yes, of course. I would be honored.” Kenz blows me a kiss, and we look at Maddie. She is finishing off her drink.

  “Yes, of course, I will, but don’t you fucking dare make me wear a horrible dress. I will fucking walk.” Kenz laughs and promises we can help pick out the dresses.

  “Wait, one last thing. Dick and Young, I want you guys to be my best men. I couldn’t just pick one over the other, so it’s both of you. What do you say?”

  “Campbell, I’m honored. Yes, of course.” He sounds so happy. I should really call to check on him, I just haven’t done it, and I feel like a bad friend.

  “Holy fuck me! Yes, I’ll be your best man, and do you know what that means, boys?” Oh yikes. “Bachelor party. Holy shit, I just got wood thinking about it. It’s going to be fucking epic.” We all laugh, and Young sits there with a proud smile on his face.

  “Seriously, we could never do it with without you guys. I love you all.” Kenz is getting emotional, and Campbell holds her closer.

  “Dickhead, when the fuck are you coming home?”

  “Soon. Hey, Campbell, Young, I want to talk to you guys, so give me a call back tomorrow, alright? Kenz, I’m so happy for you. Maddie, Becca, hope you guys are good. I miss you all.”

  “Dickhead, you are not taking the bachelor party away from me, don’t even fucking think about it. That is like my fucking Christmas, except when you open these presents, you get tits and ass.” Everyone, including me, laughs. “I’m fucking serious.” Young crosses his arms like a pouting child with raised eyebrows and looks at the phone.

  “Young, fucking relax. I’m not taking it away from you, you fucking idiot.” Young smiles while Campbell, Kenz, and Maddie are hysterical. I look at Jeff and smile. He wraps his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder.

  “Dick, everything alright there?” We all get quiet waiting to hear.

  “Campbell, things have never been better. I’ll fill you in tomorrow.” Hopefully, that means things with his family are finally working out.

  “Alright, man. We’ll let you go, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good. Oh, and Campbell, thanks for including me, even if it’s just on the phone.” You can see in everyone’s face how much they miss him here.

  “Of course.” They hang up, and we just sit there for a minute.

  “Everyone raise your glass.” I look at Young, and he points to my glass. “Do it, Becca, it’s not sexual.” I roll my eyes and want to hit Jeff when he laughs along with everyone else. “To Campbell and Kenz, two of the best fucking people in the world. I hope you have sex every day. And to Dickhead, he may not be here in person, but he is always here. Cheers.” We all drink, and I am actually surprised at how nice that toast was. He really does have a sweet side. “That being said, truth or dare, pussies.” And he’s back.

  After talking to everyone last night, I felt like such an ass for not keeping them in the loop. Between my family and Mel, I’ve kept myself busy. I’ve been here for two months already, and I keep wishing I had more time. I’ve only got a month left here with Mel, and it is destroying me. I don’t want to leave her; I am completely in love with her. I haven’t told her yet, but damnit, I am. We’ve spent every day together since our first date. We’ve made love, had sex, and fucked. I can’t seem to get my fill of her. If I’m not inside of her, I’m touching her in some way. She’s become my everything.

  I went and talked to Jenson like I promised her, but not before doing some digging. Turns out, he is pretty good at hiding things. A prick like that has things to hide, I’m sure of it. However, I did find out that his father is cheating on his mother, so I figured I at least had something good to use, if I needed it. I waited outside the police station for him one day and told him we needed to talk. I could tell he was nervous, but he definitely played it off like the prick he is.

  “You have five minutes. I need to be somewhere.” I held back a laugh knowing he was full of shit. I leaned up against his truck and crossed my arms.

  “I wanted to personally apologize for the way I acted the other day. I’m man enough to admit that I fucked up.” He gives me a half smile and crosses his arms.

  “Man enough or whipped enough?” I take a deep breath to keep my anger under control.

  “I said what I needed to say, but I want to make sure we are good. There is no reason for us to be at each other’s throats. We don’t even know each other.” He looks off into the distance for a minute before sticking his hand out to me.

  “We’re good.” I shake his hand, but I know he is full of shit. He hates me, and I know it’s because he wants Mel. I grip his hand a bit tighter than I should and smile at him.

  “You sure?” He pulls his hand away, shaking it out.

  “Yea, we’re good.” He opens his door and looks at me. “I need to get going. See you around, Keith.” He gets in the truck and peels out of the parking lot. That was too fucking easy. He’s up to something, or maybe, I have the guy figured out all wrong. Maybe he is just a cocky fuck who gets off on feeling like the bigger guy. I shake my head, get into my mom’s shitty car, and drive home.

  Things ever since then have been fine. Mel said if anything, he’s been overly nice to her, so I’ve been good with that.

  The other news I need to talk with Campbell and Young about is my mom and sisters. With Connie’s help, we finally convinced my mom to move. She said she wouldn’t go to New York City, so I need to see if Campbell will help find her a rental in Jersey until we can find something permanent. I knew Karen was going to be as hard a sell as my mom was, but once I talked to Doug and he said he would love to move to New York, I knew Karen would come.

  I had the interior of the house painted, every room. I had all the rugs replaced, my sisters decorated for the year 2014, and th
e house looks great. Today, I am meeting with the realtor to get the house on the market.

  There is one other thing I need to do, and honestly, I’ve been avoiding it because I’m afraid it will cost me Mel. I need to tell her that I’m taking my family back with me. I’m taking her out to dinner, and then like every night, we will go back to her place. I’ve been trying to figure out the right way to tell her, but I don’t think it will matter how I tell her. She’s going to be upset.

  I flip off the TV since I’m not watching it anyway and decide now is a good time to call my boys. Maybe they can give me some advice for Mel. I dial Campbell, and he picks right up. “Hey, Dick!” I chuckle because I’m so used to being Keith that I feel like Dick is a whole different person.

  “Hey, man. Hang on, I want to get Young on three-way.” I dial Young, and it starts ringing.

  “Dickhead!” Both Campbell and I laugh.

  “Hey, I’ve got Campbell on the line too. I figured I’d rather just tell you both everything at once.” I look around at the freshly painted walls and smile. What a fucking difference.

  “What’s up? Is everything alright?” I smile at Campbell’s concern.

  “Everything is better than alright. Let me just get right to it. I’ve convinced my mom to sell the house and move to New Jersey. She said she’s definitely not moving to the city, so I figured Jersey was as close as I could get her. Karen and her boyfriend Doug and my sister Connie are going to get an apartment in the city.” I get up to grab a drink because this part of the story I’m happy with, but it’s the next I hate.

  “Fuck, are your sisters hot?” Fucking Young.

  “Dick, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. You mentioned when you had first gotten there that if you could convince her, you’d need help finding a place. I’ll have my mom contact her realtor friend and look for rentals and let you know.” I am so fucking grateful for everything these guys do for me. “Young, you have Maddie what does it matter if they are hot?” I laugh, listening to him.

  “It just does. You pussies wouldn’t understand. I’m happy for you too. Does that mean you’ll be coming home sooner?” I sigh and sit at the table.

  “That’s what I need to talk to you guys about.”

  “Don’t you dare fucking say you aren’t coming back.” I rub my forehead and close my eyes.

  “That’s not what I’m saying, Young, fucking relax. But I did fall in love, and I don’t know how to leave her or tell her I’m taking away the only friends and family she has here.” They are both quiet, and it is making me nervous. “Well, fucking help me.”

  “Dick, I don’t know what to tell you, man. If it was me and Kenz, I would do whatever I had to do to be with her. I’d ask her to move here with me, and if she didn’t, well . . .” Shit, that’s what I thought he’d say.

  “Well, what fuckhead?” Young is such a fucking idiot.

  “Well, I’d stay there with her.” It is radio silence for a few minutes.

  “Dickhead, don’t fucking do it. You thought you loved that girl that broke your heart when you left college to go home, you thought you loved Becca and you both ended up wanting to just be friends, and now you think you love this chick. What happens when you decide to leave the force and realize in another six months that you don’t actually love her, but you love her neighbor?” I slam my hand down on the table really fucking pissed at Young for the first time ever.

  “Young—”

  “No, Campbell, I’m serious. Dick, you fall in love too fast, you let these girls rip out your heart, and now you sit there and tell me you’d be willing to give up your dream job for more heartache?”

  “Fuck you, Young. I thought I loved Cindy, and I thought I might love Becca, but Mel, no fucking question in my mind. I would fucking lay down my life for her, I would kill rather than see her in any pain, I would fucking do anything in this world for her. Fucking anything!” I close my eyes and shake my head.

  “Dick, would you give up your job for her?” The way that Campbell says it, makes me feel even worse.

  “Yes,” I whisper. I don’t want to do it, but if it’s the only way to be with her, I’d leave in a heartbeat.

  “Fuck that shit, come home and I’ll set you up with some grade A fine pussy. You’ll forget all about her.” I can feel tears stinging my eyes for the first time in my adult life. How could I ever leave her? I fucking love her.

  “You don’t fucking understand. I’ve never felt like this before, I am so completely head over heels in love with her. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t believe me. I know what I feel. Mel, she’s it for me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy.”

  “But at what expense?” I squeeze the back of my neck, beyond frustrated with Young.

  “Look, I called you guys to help me, not to make me feel like more of a fucking piece of shit. You think this is easy for me? I just convinced my family to move for Christ’s sakes.”

  “Dick, I think you need to talk with her and see what she thinks of all of this. Maybe you’ve gotten yourself all worked up for nothing, and she would want to move to New York. You haven’t even asked her.” Leave it to Campbell.

  “What it all comes down to is that I’m terrified to lose her. I don’t know how I would survive.”

  “Fucking pussy. Man up and tell her that then. You think I wanted to stroke my own dick that whole time trying to convince Maddie to be mine? Fuck no, but if you really love her, you need to tell her how it is. You fucking over-think shit, Dick. I told you to just fuck her and not think about having to leave, well you one-upped it, and now you say you love her. Have you even told her?” Holy fuck with Young, he’s riding my ass for no reason.

  “Young, I don’t know what the fuck your problem is, but I do fucking love her. No, I haven’t told her yet because I’m fucking terrified to lose her. You and Maddie, and Campbell and Kenz, all had to deal with some fucking awful shit to get to where you are. Why is it so hard to believe that this might be the shitty part for us?” I get up and start pacing.

  “Seriously, Young, what the fuck is your problem?”

  “You want to know my fucking problem? I’ll tell you my fucking problem. Maddie’s late.” I stop pacing and my eyes widen. Holy shit. “So yea, I’m sorry if I’m being a douche, but I’ve got a lot on my mind, and Dickhead, you want to know terrified? Come hang out with me and Maddie for a little while. She’s ready to chop my dick off, and I’m terrified she might.” That makes me chuckle.

  “How late?” I’m glad Campbell asked because I didn’t want to.

  “Two weeks.” I sit back down and squeeze the bridge of my nose.

  “Did a condom break, or you just didn’t use one?” I say it evenly so he doesn’t jump down my throat, but shit, those are the only ways.

  “We were in the shower, and well, shit got out of hand. I fucking pulled out before I shot my load, though. I realized what I was about to do, and I fucking pulled out.” Holy shit. This is the same guy that thinks he knows everything about sex. He doesn’t even realize he could still get Maddie pregnant that way.

  “It’s going to be fine, man. If she is, we will all figure it out.”

  “I agree with Campbell. We’ll figure it out, but Young?” I smile, and I’m glad he can’t see me.

  “What?” I try to hold back a laugh.

  “Did you guys ever think to take a pregnancy test?” I can hear Campbell trying not to laugh, but Young has gotten so quiet.

  “I have to go, good luck with the love of your life, Dickhead.” He hangs up, and Campbell and I laugh.

  “Guess he’s going to the pharmacy.”

  “Dick, if you really love Mel as much as you say, do whatever it takes. We’ll always be here for you.” I have so much swimming in my head right now, I can’t even think straight. I’m so fucking confused.

  “Thanks, man. Hey, make sure you let me know what happens with those two, and I’ll call you after I talk to Mel.” We talk for a few more minutes, and he fina
lly wishes me luck and hangs up. I decide to go take a shower and try to process the last half hour.

  After my shower, I am sitting in my childhood room trying to process all this information. Campbell and Kenz are getting married, Young and Maddie could be parents, and me, well, I’ve found the love of my life, and I’m scared to death I’m going to lose her. I need to stop being such a pussy and man up. I need to tell her how much I love her, but not only that, I need to tell her about my family moving back with me. I want her to come, I want to make my life with her, but I just don’t know if that is realistic. Fuck, I hope it is. I scrub my face, and there is a knock on my door. I look over at it, and my mom pokes her head in. “Hey, my boy. Can we talk for a minute?” I pat the bed next to me, and she sits down. She looks at me and smiles, but quickly frowns. “What’s wrong?” I try to mask my face with a smile.

  “Nothing. What’s up?” She raises her eyebrows and gives me that mom look that says ‘you better tell me what the fuck you are hiding because I’ll find out, and when I do, I’ll pester the shit out of you for not coming to me with it to begin with,’ I chuckle at my thought, and she gives me a stern look. “Okay, Mom. I don’t know what to do about Mel. I’m completely in love with her, but I haven’t told her, and now, I’m bringing you and the girls back with me, leaving her with no one. I want to ask her to come, but I think it may be too much too fast. I’m scared to death I’m going to have to leave without her.” I don’t want to tell her that I would stay because she’ll want to stay, and that’s not an option. She grabs my hand and smiles.

  “Keith, you always were an over-thinker. You need to start following your heart, son, or you’ll never find true happiness. Be honest with Mel, she may just surprise you.” She stands up, kisses my cheek, and starts toward the door.

  “Mom, wait.” She turns with a smile on her face. “What did you want to talk about?” She shakes her head and opens my door.

  “I was just coming to check on my boy.” She closes the door, and I quickly stand up. She’s right. I need to talk to Mel, and I need to do it now. I rush out of my room and she is standing by the front door with her keys in her hand. I grab them and kiss her.