Conflicted

by Heather Dahlgren

  I stand up and start yelling for Jana, thinking maybe the doctor was wrong and, she was coming back to us.

  “Hunter, you have to be strong for your daughter. Remember you may have lost Jana, but you have to focus on Alyssa now. Is there anyone I can call to come down here?”

  I can’t even begin to think, let alone answer him. Thank goodness my brother and his girlfriend come in. They both rush to me.

  “We will get through this Hunt, I promise you.” I can feel Heath’s arms go around my hugging me tight.

  3 years later . . .

  Today is a bittersweet day. It’s Alyssa’s third birthday and also the third anniversary of my wife’s death. Every day for the past three years has been a struggle, but I know Jana is always with us. Every time I look at our daughter I see Jana. From Alyssa’s gorgeous dark curls to her piercing green eyes, she’s a mirror image of her mother. Everyone always said when you first see her, your whole world changes. What I wasn’t expecting was for not only my world to change with Alyssa but it changed dramatically by losing Jana.

  I don’t think I’d’ve made it through the last few of years without my brother, Heath, and his fiancé, Peyton. They both put their lives on hold for us these last three years by helping me raise Alyssa and letting me grieve for Jana.

  I’m actually really surprised Alyssa isn’t up yet. She’s been so excited for today. We went all out for her birthday, from the gigantic cake to a ton of bouncing things.

  Making my way down the hall to her room, I open the door slowly trying to not wake her up. Walking up to her bed, I’m still amazed that this little girl is mine. She owns my heart completely.

  Kneeling down next to her bed, I slowly start to brush the hair off her face. “Baby girl, time to get up.”

  Alyssa opens her eyes and within seconds she’s fully awake. “Daddy! Daddy! It’s my birfday!”

  I grab her and spin her around laughing. “It sure is baby girl. Now let’s go get ready for your big day.”

  “Ok daddy.” She jumps out of my arms and heads for the bathroom.

  Following behind her, I give her a bath, then help her into the princess dress she just had to have for her big day. Once she’s dressed, we both hear the door open and close as Heath and Peyton walk into the house.

  Alyssa runs to the living room and jumps on Heath. “Happy birthday, princess!” he exclaims, sounding just as excited as she is for today.

  “Aunt Pey, look at my butiful dress, my daddy got it for me,” she says while making her way over to Peyton. Peyton has been amazing with her these last three years. Never once looking like we were a hassle for her.

  “It’s beautiful baby girl, daddy did good.” She plants a slobbery kiss on Alyssa’s cheek. Peyton sets Alyssa down and makes her way to me. “You doing okay, Hunt?”

  “I’m good sis, same as every other day, just miss her a little more today than yesterday. Every day Alyssa looks more and more like her, that it hits me just a little bit each time I look at her.”

  Peyton gives me a hug. I whisper, “Thank you Pey, I really don’t know what I’d do without you and Heath by my side.” Slowly we both break apart and wipe away the tears before Alyssa notices.

  Heath has done a good job keeping Alyssa occupied. He glances at his girlfriend. “Hey babe, didn’t you say a friend of yours might stop by today?”

  Looking at my brother, I know he would never push me into dating, but his question throws me off, and now I’m looking over to Peyton wanting answers. Now isn’t the time to hook me up with anyone, let alone someone at my daughter’s birthday party.

  “Yes, Kali might stop by.” She shrugs. “Hunter, she’s an old friend from back home. We lost touch when she married some asshole who I didn’t like, and a couple of weeks ago, she found me online and messaged me. We’ve been chatting back and forth and I mentioned the party. Yes, she’s going through a divorce, but I think there is more to the story than she’s telling me. I told her to come and relax and forget about all her drama for a day.” Peyton aims a pointed look in Heath’s direction.

  That’s what I love about Peyton. She doesn’t bullshit about anything and tells it straight up. I take a deep breathe, we all go back to being relaxed and focus on Alyssa.

  Slowly, Alyssa’s friends start to show up, and the party is in full swing. She appears to be having a great time. Occasionally I look up at the sky, saying a silent prayer to thank Jana for giving me Alyssa.