Conflicted

by Heather Dahlgren

  “I don’t remember much from last night, last I remember I was outside with Josh . . .” I trail off because I feel like the biggest slut ever talking about my boyfriend to the guy I just had sex with. I feel my whole face flaming with my embarrassment.

  Shaun grabs my face and turns it towards him. “Listen to me, we fucked up. WE fucked up, not just you Beth do you hear me? Please don’t put this all on yourself, I was right here with you.” He’s says this with such conviction that I think for one minute that maybe things will be alright. Then the reality of it all hits me, and I begin crying. Just a few tears at first, but when Shaun grabs me and holds me tight I begin to sob. “Beautiful girl, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry. Shit Beth, I’m so sorry.” He says this the whole time I am sobbing on his bare chest, speaking into my ear. I finally get myself under control and pull away from him. I can see that he has tears in his eyes. I’m sure he feels like shit, cheating on Stacey and with his best friend’s girl no less. I’m such a slut!

  “How did this happen?” I ask because I honestly have no idea. He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his thoroughly fucked hair. Ugh slut, slut, slut!

  “Okay, so last night when you were outside with Josh, you were really drunk, like really drunk. I was sitting out there because Stacey was off doing her usual flirt with me I need attention thing. Anyway, you guys were kissing and then Maxie came outside. Josh just happened to pull away from you at that point and he winked at her. I’m not sure if it was the drinking that made you so tough ass, but you started yelling at him. Told him that he needed to stop flirting with every and I quote ‘whore’ that walked passed him. You both started really fighting and he told you that you could find your own way home. He left shortly after. Alone, in case you’re wondering.” He stops to let me process this information. I look over at him and start to cry all over again. I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m a cheat and I made myself look like an asshole last night. Again, Shaun grabs ahold of me and lets me cry it out. He keeps apologizing and he is stroking my hair the whole time. I can’t help but think, just for a minute how good it feels to be in his arms. To feel like someone is caring for me. Josh is not exactly a tender person. He’s not big on cuddling, holding me or caring for me if I’m upset. He has never once held me like Shaun is right now. I break away from him because I shouldn’t like how this feels. I need to remember what I did. I look up at him silently thanking him for holding me. He must understand, because he moves the hair from my face and just nods.

  “I’m sorry I am such a mess Shaun, what happened next?” Although I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that. He sighs and runs his hands in his hair again. I’ve known Shaun for years and I know this is a nervous habit. He clears his throat and begins.

  “Well after Josh left you looked so sad and broken. I thought that I would help by getting drunk with you. Stacey was still off doing her thing, so you and I had some beers, and I had shots. Then some more shots. Next thing I know we are in here making out and I keep thinking this is not a good idea, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry Beth, I should never have taken advantage of you like that.” He looks so broken, that I grab him and hold on.

  “Shaun, you just finished telling me not to take all the blame, same goes for you. I was here too.” I say trying to take some of his pain away. I’m still holding on, but I feel him shaking his head.

  “No, Beth this is all my fault. I kept letting you drink, long after you should have stopped. I knew how drunk you were, although I was no better. I should have just brought you up here and stayed with you until you fell asleep. I am such a fuck up.” He says in my hair.

  We stay holding on a while longer, not sure why he does, but I do because I know that after we leave this room things with forever change. And I am scared shitless. After we start to pull away I cover my face and cry again. “What are we going to do? What if Stacey and Josh find out? We will lose them both for sure.” I say through my hands. I am so scared, pissed and embarrassed.

  “Listen, Beth we will figure this out. I will figure this out. I will not let you take the fall for this. As long as we are smart about it no one will find out. Stacey left long before me because I was boring her and like I said Josh left earlier. The rest of the football team and cheer leaders were gone or in their own rooms by the time we came in here. Everyone knows that you and Josh had a fight and that Stacey was pissed at me. If anyone asks, we can just tell them that we got trashed and you slept on the bed and I fell asleep on the floor. No one will question it. We are friends after all.” He says this with a growing confidence that I actually begin to believe him. “Beth, you know that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that no one gets hurts. That includes Stacey and Josh. We just have to remember this was a drunken mistake and that we never intended to hurt anyone.” With that he puts his pants on and makes his way to the en suit bathroom.

  I sit there so confused. I’m actually hurt that he just said it was a drunken mistake, even though it was. It must be this hang over, it’s got my head all fucked up. I decide that he is right and we just have to move on past this and hope that no one ever finds out. With that, I throw my clothes on and leave the room. I cry the entire way home.

  Chapter 2

  My cell phone rings and it is Stacey’s ring tone. I’m scared shitless to answer, but I know that if I don’t she will just drive over here. So I swallow past the lump in my throat and answer. “Hello gorgeous.” I say as I lay in my bed after my hot shower of trying to get the cheating and lying off of me.

  “Shit Bethy are you alright, Shaun told me what happened last night. I’m so glad he was able to take care of you. I’m so sorry I left, I’m such a bitch.” I want to cry. I am the bitch because damn if she only knew how he took care of me.

  “I’m fine Stace really. I really don’t even remember anything, but this hang over is clearly a reminder.” I say trying to avoid talking about Shaun at all.

  “I can be over in 15 minutes if you need me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there last night, but I will be there now.” She says sounding like the great friend that she is to me.

  “No, it’s good really. I just wanna take some aspirin and take a nap.” I say hoping she will just let it go.

  “Alright, I’ll give you time to rest. From what Shaun told me you really had a lot to drink. I’m so glad that he was there for you. He is really a great guy. Hey, have you talked to Josh yet?” She asks sounding hopeful that I’ve already made up with him. All I think is please stop bringing up Shaun’s name, please. I decide again to avoid commenting on Shaun and just answering her about Josh.

  “No I haven’t talked to Josh yet. I really don’t remember much of it, but I’m sure all is good. Not the first time we’ve been here. I’ll let him cool off and call him after I nap.” The lies are just pouring off of me, I’m not going to nap with all this shit going through my head, I don’t remember a thing about last night and I probably won’t call Josh because I feel like he will know something happened.

  “Alright, Bethy, I’ll let you go and nap. But please call me later. I’m going to hang out with Shaun and thank him properly for taking such good care of you. Loves.” With that she hangs up and I feel sick to my stomach.

  It’s been four hours since I talked to Stacey and all this while I have been laying in my bed thinking. I’m thinking about what a fool I am for getting so drunk, and letting it go so far with Shaun. Then I think about how good it felt when he held me while I was crying, and how sweet he was to me. It’s fucked up that my mind would even go there, but it is. I’ve been sick to my stomach thinking about what I’m going to say to Josh and also wondering what Shaun and Stacey are doing. I need to sleep, I need to do something so that I can stop all this thinking. I close my eyes and drift off.

  My phone is ringing and I jump from my bed. I think for a minute I must have been dreaming, but then I answer the phone. “Hello.” I answer not even bothering to see who it is.

  “Beth, listen I talked
to both Stacey and Josh and told them that you got really drunk and I stayed with you to make sure you were okay.” Shaun says on the other line.

  “Oh um, thanks?” I say and it sounds like a question, not a statement. He chuckles on the other end.

  “Listen, they were both cool with it, so no need to worry. I promised you I wouldn’t let anyone get hurt and I won’t. But this is the last time we will even talk about it alright? I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring it up even when it’s just the two of us. You never know who is listening, ya know?”

  I just stay quiet for a minute. ”Yea, I know what you’re saying Shaun. I appreciate all you’ve done and I don’t know what to say except, thank you. For everything.” I let it trail off because I don’t wanna say thanks for fucking me, it sounds too slutty.

  He clears his throat and says, “Beth you know” he clears his throat again “umm . . . you’re welcome, Beth, you’re welcome.”

  “Good bye Shaun.” I can’t help but think I’m not just saying it for the phone call.

  The rest of the day goes by and I figure it’s time to suck it up and call Josh. I pick my phone and play with it trying to give myself the courage. Finally after 20 minutes I press the icon with his smiling face. “Finally babe, I didn’t think I was going to hear from you today. I talked to Shaun and he told me how trashed you let yourself get last night. What the fuck where you thinking drinking like that? You’re damn lucky that Shaun was there to make sure nothing happened to you.” I want to say fuck off, to tell him that it would have been nice to get a phone call to check on me, but I don’t. I just listen to him treat me like I’m an asshole because really I am.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking, I honestly don’t remember anything.” At least that’s the truth.

  “You don’t remember anything? Well let me refresh your memory, you went all crazy girlfriend on me and started yelling because you said I looked at another girl. I mean shit Bethy, when did that start bothering you? You always said it doesn’t matter as long as it’s look and don’t touch. I don’t touch, you know that. So where did that all come from?” He pretty much yells in my ear. I want to tell him that it bothers the shit out of me, that I want to feel like his center of world, but as always I keep my mouth shut.

  “I honestly don’t have any idea what happened last night. It is totally out of character for me. I’m sorry.” And I don’t just mean for the shouting, but he doesn’t need to know that. I feel like such a slut just talking to him on the phone, I have no idea how I am going to act around him. It’s making me nervous for school tomorrow. He interrupts my thoughts.

  “Listen babe, it was just a drunken mistake I know that’s not you. Let’s just forget about it and move on. I missed you today. I really need to see you, I need your sweet mouth on me.” That’s when I start to really freak out. He’s going to know. He’s going to be able to sense that I was with someone else. He’ll be able to feel it when he’s inside of me. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am scared shitless, I don’t want to have to deal with any of it. There is just no getting out of it without causing another fight, so as always with Josh I give in.

  With my stomach in knots in reply, “I missed you too, why don’t you come over?” With that he hangs up and I decide another shower is definitely needed.

  I am just getting out of the shower when I hear my parents laughing and I know right away that Josh is here. They love him, they think he is the greatest guy. He really does have it all, quarter back of the football team, scholarship to college, makes decent grades, comes from a good family. I wish his boyfriend skills where that impressive.

  I am so freaking nervous that he is here I don’t even realize that I have just been standing in my room in just my towel the whole time. This is brought to my attention when my door opens and in walks Josh. His cocky smile on because he thinks that I’m in this towel waiting for him. When really I want to kick my own ass for not putting clothes on. He locks my door and comes over grabbing me by the hips. He leans down to whisper, “Damn babe, if I knew you were up here waiting for me in just your towel I would have ran up here. You look so sexy all wet and waiting for me. Are you wet everywhere?” I am instantly turned on by his words and when he puts his hand under my towel to see if I’m wet he is not disappointed. I throw my head back when he lightly touches me and he groans his approval. He removes his hand and leads me over to my bed. He sits down and he has me sit on his lap. I look in his green eyes and run my hands in his dark blonde hair. He leans forward and whispers again, “Babe, I am so turned on right now. You are beautiful.” And he begins to kiss me.

  Later, we are laying in my bed and I am thinking again. Thinking that I can’t believe he didn’t know. He had no idea that I was with someone else. I start to feel like maybe this will be alright. Maybe, it was just a drunken mistake that we can just forget about. He leaves shortly after, and promises to meet me first thing by my locker. Just like he has every day since we started dating.

  Copyright 2014, Kaydee Mavericks

  This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to author and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

  Cover Designed by Melissa Gill @ MGBookCovers

  Cover Photo by Mandy Hollis @ MHPhotography

  Cover Models: Mandy Hollis and Julio Elving

  To all who have lost someone too soon,

  remember that life does go on,

  and that you are not alone.

  Today was the day that would change our lives forever. Our little girl was making her entrance into the world. Rushing into the hospital with Jana by my side, both of us can’t stop smiling, knowing this is it.

  “Excuse me.” Taking a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. “My wife is in labor, we need some help.” I grab the first nurse I see.

  “Of course. Let me grab a wheelchair and I’ll take you right on up.” She says, smiling sweetly at the two of us.

  Once we are placed in the maternity room, her doctor comes in, “Let’s check and see how many centimeters you’re dilated, Jana.”

  The look on the doctor’s face scares me as he makes his way back over to Jana after putting on his gloves.

  “What’s wrong, doc?” Taking a deep breath. After everything that we have been through trying to conceive, I don’t know if I can handle any bad news right now.

  “Nothing at all, looks like your little girl is ready to make her entrance into the world. Jana, are you ready to push?”

  “YES!” She screams along with making a grunting sound, and I know she’s more than ready.

  “Alright then, let’s meet your little girl.” The doc says smiling.

  After about an hour of pushing, a lot of screaming, I see that Jana is getting tired and something just doesn’t feel right to me. Nothing seems to be helping her through the pain. When she looks up at me her face is heartbreaking, my wife’s in pain and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to help her.

  “Come on honey, a few more pushes and let’s meet our baby girl.” Trying to calm her and help her through this any way I can.

  After a few more pushes while all I can do is hold her hand and encourage her over and over, when all of a sudden Jana pushes down hard one last time and we hear the most beautiful sound in the world. Our baby girl, crying.

  The doctor hands her off to the nurse to be cleaned, and I can’t stop looking at my beautiful girl. She’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. The nurse asks me if I want to cut the umbilical cord and I jum
p at that.

  The doctor tells my wife to push one last time to expel the placenta. That’s when I hear it. The most horrifying sound, almost like a blood quenching scream, and I’ll never forget it.

  The doctor and staff rush around the room, announcing that she’s hemorrhaging. It seems like forever as I observe them attaching emergency medical equipment to my wife. Then they finally take Jana to the operating room, leaving me alone with our precious little girl.

  I’m numb. I don’t know what to think. My bundle of joy is lying right in front of me, but my heart is shattering and ripping out of my chest for my wife.

  I’m sitting rocking Alyssa and I can’t stop looking at how beautiful she is. Time seems to be going at a snail’s pace waiting for answers regarding my wife before the doctor finally comes back in.

  “Hunter.” The sound of my name pulls me from my thoughts and I glance up at Dr. Steele. He swallowed what had to be a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry. We did everything in our power to stop the hemorrhaging, but there wasn’t anything we could do. She lost too much blood. We lost her, Hunter.”

  The doctor takes Alyssa out of my arms and hands her to the nurse again. I lose it. I hit my knees and completely break down, crying on the hospital floor. There is talking around me, but do to the roaring in my ear I can’t hear anything that’s actually being said.

  How am I supposed to go on without Jana? She’s my life. We were so excited to be having Alyssa. I just don’t understand. We were high school sweethearts. We got married right after college and had been trying to conceive for almost five years before we found out we were pregnant. We wanted a child for so long. Jana and I knew that having a child was a big responsibility. We were determined to raise a wonderful child, or at least figure out how to be the best parents in the world. Now, it seems the dream is shattered. I can’t lose Jane. She’s my wife.