Steamy Dorm

by Kristine Robinson

  She is an infinitely terrible influence on me in that context and that context alone. Otherwise, she makes me better in every possible way.

  I just smiled at her lovingly as she played with Sarah. I wonder if I should be jealous, my little girl likes Nadia even more than she loves me. I am happier about that than I am genuinely upset.

  “Don’t you think,” My mother waspishly said to me, after Nadia left. “That you should be more focused on your school and career than spending your time with some girl. You have a daughter to take care of, you can no longer just selfishly think about yourself.”

  “Nadia’s been helping me out a lot. She’s a whizz at technology and she helped me learn to organize myself. She even made me a color coded study schedule.” It was somewhere between a humble-brag about my girlfriend and a genuine attempt to diffuse the situation.

  “Your mother is right, Amber.” My father’s gruff voice snapped at me. Have I ever heard him use that tone of voice before? It almost made me want to cry. “You are not just our little girl anymore. You need to learn how to make the best, most sensible decision. You’ve always been an optimistic dreamer, but you are an adult now. It isn’t cute anymore. It is naïve and will allow the world to fuck you over.”

  "What are you even talking about!" I protested, my voice warbled. I hated this. I get too emotional and angry that my eyes fill with tears and my throat constricts. I don't want to cry. It makes me look bad. I don’t want to be weak. But I am… so angry. And I don’t even know how to deal with it.

  I can't help it. All it does is fuel my parent's disapproval. How am I ever gonna do anything if every time push comes to shove I just cry? How am I supposed to call myself an adult if I cry when I'm mad.

  “You are being unnecessarily emotional and I don’t want you acting r-” My mother knew just how much it got under my skin when she used that tone. As if I was slow. A toddler. Too young to have any idea about what is actually going on. Too stupid to know how to deal with it.

  "No, I'm not!" My voice made it seem like I was cutting through her thick atmosphere of distaste with serrated steel. That's how I felt in that moment. Not weak. Not childish. Cold and rough, unforgivingly so. “What do you have against her? Nadia is kind and sweet and a genius. She takes care of Sarah and she cares about me. She’s sweet and-”

  “You’re repeating yourself, Amber-Lynn.” I snarled at the use of my full name. Dad only uses it when he wants to reduce me down to the obedient little angel that I was when I was six. I’m not six anymore. I. Am. An. Adult.

  “Money.” Mother was always straightforward. She wasn’t very charming because of that fact. I scowled at her angrily. How dare she? “There is so much more to a person than how much money they make. Nadia is the best person I’ve ever met and she makes me want to be a better person!”

  “Amber.” My father used the tone of voice that always made me shut my mouth, knowing he means business. “Please, just think about what we said. Your mother and I only have your best interest at heart. And Sarah’s. Don’t you want to give Sarah the best life you possibly could?”

  I wanted to rage. I wanted to scream and fight. I couldn’t go quietly. I couldn’t just not put up a fight. I can’t leave Nadia just because it would be easier to… not be with her. But, is it even about me? Doesn’t Sarah deserve the world? She deserves to have all those things I was jealous of all the other kids for having.

  She deserves what Nadia can’t give her.

  I nodded to my parents. This wasn’t the decision I wanted to make. I don’t have to make it right now. “I…I’ll think about it.” Left my mouth, my voice weak and quiet in a way I despised. Why am I so meek? Why am I so easy to sway.

  I long for the day when I was cool, calm, and collected. I was so strong willed. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it.

  No wonder I am the way I am. I learned the error of my ways from the – No. No, that logic doesn't stand up. That would imply my little angel was a mistake. Some kind of problem. And she isn't. She is an angel.

  But… Nadia. Nadia is the best thing I can remember happening to me. Am I wrong about that too? Like how I was wrong that Finn would be my be all and end all lover.

  I don’t think she is.

  But, am I just simply blind to why this won't work out because I see Nadia through rose colored glasses?

  I see her laugh through her nose and I would think anyone else who did it was annoyingly snooty. But when she does it, I think she is adorable.

  Oh no. I have it bad. It’s gonna be so hard when it ends.

  When she insists on paying the check, with anyone else I would find that demeaning. But I know, Nadia just wants me to spend that extra money on something more important than dinner.

  Maybe… maybe they see something I’m blind to.

  Maybe it will be better for everyone If I just ended it now.

  I overheard mom asking dad why he didn’t just come out and say they would disown me if I kept on behaving like this.

  I didn’t listen for the answer.

  Chapter 8

  So… was it easier? Like a coward, I sent her a text about going "on a break". I was offended when she replied back immediately. So quickly that it insinuated that she had already written the response before I even sent my message.

  Within moments I was sent back a paragraph long message that insinuated that I was still a good person because I was only doing this for Sarah. It said she knew I’d dump her by text and she was fine with that. And it said it would be easier for both of us to move on with a clean break.

  What is she… she thought I was a coward! The kind of coward to dump someone by text! I am definitely not that kind of coward. I mean, I did dump her by text so she wasn’t wrong, but still! She should think I’m better than this. Did she really think so little of me? I mean, she was right, but. But, she… she was right.

  But… I’m not better than this. Clearly.

  I have to get my mind off of this, off of her.

  I tried to write some of my commission. I am getting paid for this, and I don’t want a single person to say I was late.

  The whole piece veered off course from what my customer wanted. There was betrayal and anger. Accusing glances and fear. Fear of what will be. Fear of a plunge into unknown and uncertain futures.

  Sometimes the uncertainty is exciting. Like being with someone new and learning all about them. Sometimes it’s a welcome change. Making something completely new that I had never considered previously. Like… sleeping with another girl, who is beautiful and intelligent and sweet. And tastes like candy, and I wonder how the rest of her tastes.

  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary.

  Nobody can just live on faith alone. They need supplies to take care of themselves. They need their own lives. Hopes and dreams are beautiful things, but without the funds to back it up, that’s all they’ll ever be.

  I snarled with rage and threw my things around and screamed and cried. I’m supposed to be an adult. I’m a mother. My mind won’t obey me. My brain said I wasn’t a kid. Kids my age went to clubs and partied and got drunk. Kids my age were still kids. We keep being told these are the best years of our lives! Why don’t I get to have it be the best years of my life?

  A cry erupted from the crib next to my bed, giving me my answer. Because I have proven that I can’t be trusted with freedom. Because I’m a mother and mothers do not get the kind of freedom I so desperately need.

  Mothers have responsibility. They can’t just be with someone they love so dearly. There are rules and reasons why they have to be sensible. Not fall into something crazy and beautiful.

  I held Sarah and comforted her. It felt… bleak. Everything did. When Nadia came into my life the world lit up with beauty, wonder, and mystery. It was as if I were being sucked into a fantasy novel with a more beautiful world. Now, it is as if I have been disorientingly pulled into my own world. The colors of everything were dulled.

  There was so little saturation
to the world now.

  Except for Sarah.

  Sarah was always the exception, wasn’t she? She was always the brightest spot in the room. Things around her lit up with color.

  But for me?

  I suppose my lack of color affects the world just as Sarah’s color does.

  “When is Auntie Nadia coming?” I took a deep breath as I heard the words.

  Chapter 9

  Everything is fine, I suppose.

  Knowing something is coming, it seems, affects how much it hits you very little.

  It is something akin to watching a bus come closer and closer before it smashes into your weak, human body. The foreknowledge does not affect the pain of the impact.

  And now your weak body is broken.

  Not me, though. I'm fine.

  I suppose.

  Amber said it was better this way. And, I agreed with her. I wonder if she actually believes it, or, like me, is just repeating it out loud until they believe themselves.

  I’ve spent my extra time focused on my studies. Next time, I will be enough. Next time I wouldn’t be this broken thing that is no good once my families money and influence has been stripped away.

  I will be good on my own merits. I will graduate and get a lucrative job. I’d meet a nice girl and maybe we could adopt our own little bundle of joy.

  I let myself imagine Amber as the girl in my dreams for a moment or two.

  She would wrap her arms around me after a long day at work. We would tell each other how much the other meant to us and then we would be locked in a passionate embrace.

  I then violently shoved that unnecessary, meandering thought away. It’s better not to dream of impossible things.

  I have been really good about her. I moved all the things that remind me of her into a box in my closet – I couldn’t bare to get rid of them. It was too soon.

  I only went through all our messages twice, before leaving it.

  This is too much reminiscing, I’m noticing. Back to work.

  If I spend all my time on school work, then I am not focused on a broken heart. I’m not focused on the reason my heart feels it was ripped from my chest.

  So it’s time for more studies. I don’t have any time for a broken heart, I go to college. Hell, Being with Amber sucked up a great deal of my time too.

  This is better for everyone involved.

  This is better for everyone involved.

  How many times do I have to say it before I actually believe it?

  Chapter 10

  I admit it.

  Life without her. It’s miserable.

  I knew that it would be the second I left her. Even before I did.

  I consoled myself with the idea that Sarah would be better off this way. She had a chance to have a rich parent. Someone who could give her all the things she deserves. Diamonds, and pearls. All the toys in the world? A castle so she can really be a princess?

  How else would I ever be able to get those things for my baby girl? The answer… never. And it’s not fair to her to choose anything that means she has left.

  “I WANT NAD-A!!!” Screamed Sarah, throwing one of her few tantrums five feet from me. That little snot-nosed punk. I’m doing this for you! “NAD-A! NAD-A!” She screamed as she picked all the things that she could reach up, and made a mess.

  “No more Nadia!” I told her, needing her to stop. If she didn’t stop, I don’t know what I would do.

  I was not prepared for a bawling child. I was not prepared for her to just slump to the ground and cry because she wanted Nadia. She didn’t even do that last time her biological father left when he visited.

  Maybe I should have expected it. Money can do a lot of things. It cannot cradle a child and tuck her into bed. But… it could let her be tucked into a nicer bed. In a nicer room. With better toys.

  “Shh. Shh.” I picked her up and tried to comfort you. “You’re gonna get a new auntie. Or maybe an uncle? Wouldn’t you like that?”

  "Don' want new aunt! Want NAD-A!" Cried my baby girl.

  I sighed. “Me too, Sarah. Me too.”

  I didn’t have much patience. Even, I was shocked at how long I put up with a severe lack of my one and only true love. Two months and I was back at Nadia’s house.

  “Take me back, I beg you.” Okay, fine. I admit I was not that calm in any way. I did the whole theatrics. I threw myself on the ground and begged her to look twice at a poor dumb girl who tried so hard that she threw out the diamond that she had no idea she even had until it was gone. Money was worthless to me if I had money but I lacked her,

  “Please stop.” She was face palming as she groaned at my attempt. “Please, get off the floor, so we can talk like rational adults.”

  "ra'ional 'dults!" Sarah called from her seat in a shopping cart. Did I mention I did this in a Publix? That's a bit of important trivia for you to know.

  Nadia patted Sarah’s head. “What about your parent’s?” She questioned me as she smiled at the child, and picked her up when she demanded it of Nadia.

  “They’ll understand!” I declared. “They’ll get that true love conquers all.” I didn’t believe it. You could hear it in the way my voice wavered.

  I needed Nadia’s endless confidence. I stared up at her with teary eyes and winced at her expression.

  By the look on Nadia’s face. She didn’t believe it either.

  Chapter 11

  Long story short, Amber had much more faith in her parent's than they deserved. I can't blame her, though. I also believed the very best of my parent's, back when I had parents.

  I assumed it was an empty threat. Her parent’s, while being somewhat strict, were never – or so it seemed – the type of people who would disown their only child. That is what I thought, and what she thought.

  We were wrong, let’s leave it at that.

  I can still hear their voices ringing in my ears as her mo- as the woman who gave birth to Amber – tells her what a failure she is. Her fa- the man who raised- the sperm donor… he says that he was wrong about her, she was never his daughter. She wasn't a daughter at all.

  I couldn’t stand to speak to them, but I helped her with her boxes. I helped pack and took care of Sarah while SHE packed. I let her use my car and moved her into my house.

  It wasn’t easy at all.

  Amber and I shared a bed on good nights, and on bad nights, one of us slept on the couch. Sarah slept 5 feet away in a crib. Neither of us could afford an apartment with two bedrooms.

  It's a happy life, though. I go to sleep every night and I would never feel alone. I am wrapped in the arms of the woman I love and she loves me.

  Some night’s Assad takes care of Sarah. Sarah and his son, Wyatt, are getting along great. Sarah is really being socialized well, and growing into an intelligent young lady. They play with the big lego's that they can't choke on and pretend to be superheroes or fight aliens. Assad even buys them outfits to put on to play.

  On those nights, I open my arms and hold Amber. And we spend the night getting better acquainted with her in body as well as in mind.

  It was ever better than it was in my daydreams. In a daydream, you can't just make up the sound of her pleasured sigh. The taste of her tongue. The feel of her breasts in my hands,

  I can still remember the very first of such nights that we had. I recall It vividly as if it had happened only yesterday.

  We were watching some dumb movie. I don’t think either of us were actually paying much attention to it at all.

  Amber clearly got bored of it too, because her plump lips began to caress my collarbone. I whimpered at the sensation as her hands explored my stomach. She tells me my newfound chubbiness just lead there to be more for her to love. That didn't mean I was no longer horribly embarrassed about it. I get so shy when it comes to sex because I'm always worried that she might look at my body and find it lacking.

  It used to be perfect. Then again, I used to eat a strict diet of organic foods and only had a cheat day once every two
months and went to the gym at least three times a week.

  She smirked at my reactions to her touching. “Relax.” She purred, her voice deepening to a tone that I definitely believe should be illegal.

  I whimpered as she kissed my stomach, before letting myself smirk. I have never agreed to be a submissive participant. I might prefer the role, sometimes. But that decision flips on a dime.

  And right now, I want to make Amber mewl. I want to see her shiver and whimper the way she does. In that intoxicating way that made me feel half drunk. I spun us around and gently pressed her down to lay on the couch. “Shh.” My voice was full of mirth. Sweet, Sweet revenge. “Relax.” I purred to her.

  My lips kissed her neck and my hands caressed her body with feather light touches. I enjoyed the feeling of her shivering under me and the taste of her. Her skin had this indescribable flavor that I can’t even imagine explaining. It is addicting enough that I can’t get enough of it.

  I slowly unbuttoned her shirt, my lips finding purchase on each new inch of exposed skin. She was so beautiful, especially when she was whimpering beneath me. I can’t help myself. The sounds were as intoxicating as alcohol and more addicting than any drug that has ever existed.

  I when I got to her breasts, I paused. I needed to pay them the correct amount of attention. So when I unclasped her bra, dropping it unceremoniously to the floor along with all our other clothes. I massaged the soft mounds, which send her mewling.

  I pinched one of the pink nipples and let another one into my mouth. As I teased her, I got to hear her whimper. Her voice was dripping with the pleasure she was feeling as she stuttered out disjointed two-word phrases "Oh yes, right there- you are- oh gosh, so good." My lips curled into a smug smirk.

  I’m not ashamed to admit that getting my love to melt into a puddle of goo the way she is was one of my proudest accomplishments.

  I got a few of the finger cots out from the top drawer. We hadn’t done this before, but we were plenty prepared. It might make everything a little bit less sexy, but it was better safe than sorry.