His Own Way Out

by Taylor Saracen

  Blake had debated whether he should tell Jay about his foray into BodyBanter. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to do so, but the intimacy of the moment inspired him to be forthcoming.

  “I guess I’m dipping my toes in, feeling the temperature or whatever.”

  “Are you speaking in codes? What are you up to?” Jay asked, scrunching his nose up in skepticism.

  Blake purposely scrunched back, garnering an eye roll and a chuckle from his ex.

  “C’mon. Spit it out,” Jay urged. “You’ve got me curious.”

  “Isn’t it fun to keep a little mystery?” Blake suggested, giving him a cheeky grin.

  “What? No.” Jay shook his head for emphasis. “You’re the one who brought it up and now you’re going to try to back out of it?”

  “I’m second-guessing this revelation,” Blake admitted, feeling every bit of his regret as it formed a lump in his throat.

  “What did you get yourself into?” Jay questioned, his eyes wide.

  “What do you think I got myself into?”

  “I have no idea, but the way you’re acting leads me to believe it’s something shady as hell. Are you dealing?”

  “Drugs?” Blake cried. “Am I dealing drugs?”

  “What do you think I mean, cards? Yes, drugs.”

  “I’m not dealing drugs,” he huffed.

  “Okay, what is it then?” Jay pressed, adjusting his position so he could get a better view of Blake’s face.

  “Have you ever heard of BodyBanter?”

  “No.”

  “Well, it’s this website where you can either watch people do shows or you can do shows yourself and earn tips for different things you do.”

  “I’m guessing from the name of the site that these shows are sex shows?”

  “They could be,” Blake nodded, studying Jay’s eyes for a reaction. There was nothing. “Some people just strip, fuck around with a dildo, get into fetish shit, you know, whatever they’re into. Like there are rooms where people just show their feet for an hour, maybe rub them, put lotion on, that kind of thing.”

  “And is that what you’re doing?” Jay wondered, licking his lips. “Massaging your feet on camera for an hour?”

  “No, I’m not doing anything with my feet.”

  “What are you doing then?”

  “You know what I’m doing,” Blake tsked, gently tickling the soft skin of Jay’s belly. “You want me to say it?”

  “Why are you doing it if you can’t even say it?”

  Blake bristled at the implication that he was ashamed of his endeavor. “I can say it. I’m doing cam shows.”

  “By yourself?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “And other times?”

  “Not by myself,” Blake said plainly.

  Jay sniffed and nudged his thumb against his nostril. “Hmm.”

  “Does that bother you?” Blake asked, though it was obvious it did.

  “That you do it at all or that you do it with other people?”

  “I guess, either?”

  “It’s a lot to take in,” Jay confessed.

  “That’s what you said five minutes ago, too,” Blake teased, lifting his eyebrows. “Huh, huh.” He poked Jay in the ribs playfully. “C’mon, that’s funny.”

  “It would be funny if I actually complained about it,” Jay teased.

  “This size queen!” Blake laughed, kissing Jay’s smiling lips. “Seriously, though. I’m making good money doing it. Between that income and the Tulip Tree Tavern, I’m earning more than I ever have.”

  “Really?” Jay asked, surprised.

  “Really. It’s amazing. I can go on whenever I want to rake in some cash. We could go on now...” he flirted.

  “Yeah right,” Jay chuckled. “That’s never happening.”

  “I make the same amount doing shows by myself anyway.”

  “Have you done a lot of shows with other guys?” Jay asked, cringing through the question.

  “We were broken up,” Blake reminded.

  “We still are.”

  “I don’t want to be.”

  “You’re avoiding my question,” Jay noted.

  “I’ve only gone on cam with two guys. One I met after you dumped me and the other, Caden, I’ve known for a while through Facebook. We finally met in person last week. He’s into camming, too.”

  “Why did it take you so long to meet in person?”

  “He’s in Florida.”

  “He came to Kentucky to do a show with you?”

  “I went there.”

  “Wow,” Jay exclaimed.

  Blake draped his arm over Jay’s chest. Not only did he want to feel closer to him, but he wanted to give him a semblance of comfort. “Does that bother you?”

  “It doesn’t matter if it does.”

  “It matters to me,” Blake reassured. “Are you jealous?”

  “I guess.”

  “You ended things with me.”

  “That doesn’t mean I stopped caring,” Jay said softly, pushing a lock of hair off Blake’s forehead.

  “You had a funny way of showing it.”

  “I’m sorry. It felt like the right thing to do at the time.”

  “Does it now?”

  “Not really,” Jay sighed, intertwining their fingers. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you,” Blake promised. “Did you at least do well last semester?”

  “I got a 4.0.”

  “It was worth it then.”

  Jay shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Bullshit, you did well, which is exactly what you wanted. Dave told me you’d want to get back together after school was done.”

  “Who said I wanted to get back together?”

  “Do you not? I thought that’s what this was leading to?” Blake asked, confused.

  “I thought I did.”

  “And now you don’t? Is it the cam stuff?”

  Taking a deep breath, Jay loosened his hold of Blake’s hand. “I don’t want to tell you what you can and can’t do, or give you an ultimatum. I can tell you’re excited about it, but I can’t deal with you hooking up with other guys.”

  “So I won’t,” Blake said easily. “I told you, I make a good amount on my own. If you’re cool with me doing it solo, then I’ll do that.”

  “You’d be cool with no more shows with your Florida boy?”

  “He’s my Florida boy now?” Blake chuckled. “I’m fine not doing more shows with Caden. He’s moving on from camming and I’m moving on from camming with other dudes.”

  “And girls...” Jay added.

  “And girls.”

  “What’s he moving on to?”

  “He does porn.”

  “You do, too,” Jay asserted.

  Blake shook his head. “Actual porn with a studio and stuff.”

  “Oh. You know, this is a conversation I didn’t foresee myself having today,” Jay admitted. “It feels,” he paused, clearly attempting to choose his words carefully, “far from what I consider normal, you know?”

  “I get it,” Blake confirmed.

  “That’s not something you want to do, right? Like, you’re not looking to eventually sign with a studio, are you?”

  “No,” Blake stated. “Caden mentioned that one of the producers watched our cam show and was interested in me, but I haven’t talked to anyone about anything.”

  “But would you?”

  It was a difficult question, and one that had crossed Blake’s mind. The amount of money he was making on BodyBanter couldn’t compare to the porn wages Caden had divulged. Although Blake had never given it serious consideration, he’d been viewing Helix’s scenes differently than he had previously. He no longer jacked off watching. Instead, he studied them closer, as though he’d eventually be tested on the content. He figured if anything, it would make him better on cam.

  “I just told you I wouldn’t go on cam with other people, I figured your request went for porn, too,” Blake reasoned.
<
br />   “Well, it does, but I don’t want to stop you from doing something you want to do.”

  “Who said I want to do it? I don’t.”

  “Really?” Jay asked, skeptically.

  “Really,” Blake confirmed, taking Jay’s hand. “Are we going to try again?”

  “I’d like to.”

  “Are you going to dump me in the fall when school starts up again?”

  “No. I think I freaked out. I was feeling these strong emotions I’ve never felt before, and it was consuming me. I needed some time to reflect and get my shit together,” Jay reassured him.

  “And is it together?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You blindsided me,” Blake reminded.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “If you start worrying about things like that, I want you to tell me, not just freak out.”

  “Fair,” Jay nodded. “I will.”

  “Now get up on there and ride your boyfriend,” Blake requested biting his tongue playfully, while gesturing to his hard-on.

  Jay eagerly complied.

  36

  Throughout the course of his adolescence, Blake had never felt that he belonged in one particular place. His roots had spread far and wide, leading him to new schools, different groups of friends, and an unceasing succession of beginnings that ended too soon. Since change had been his constant, he resisted the urge to burrow in it, knowing it would only be a matter of time until the iota of a grasp he managed was obliterated by the bulldozer of life. There was no glory in his ability to adapt because he’d had no choice but to do so. To celebrate acclimation was acknowledging an empty victory, like exalting himself for taking a piss or brushing his teeth.

  Blake had grown used to the way people cycled in and out of his life, and how he was rarely a steady presence in theirs. However, it always seemed that the most important figures found their way back. From his father to Sandra, Ryan, Bianca and even Caden, there was a certain comfort in their return, like a homecoming not contained by the walls of a house. He wondered if his feelings were unique to him or if everyone felt them to some extent. Were there people whose lives were full of Gregs? Who had the luck of having ride-or-die family, friends, and lovers? As much as Blake hoped Jay would become a constant, the sucker-punch dumping remained in the back of his mind, a reminder that it could happen again.

  Still, the summer was submersed in contentedness. Blake continued to work nights at the Tulip Tree Tavern, but Jay’s availability during the day allowed for uninterrupted hours spent drinking Corona at the community pool in Jay’s complex or in bed, where they relished in the air conditioning as they brought the heat. The following Blake built for his camera shows created a second income as steady as what he earned at the diner. Everything was both amazing and unremarkable, a surprisingly copacetic combination. Though it was nice to live his new status quo, Blake was antsy, so used to perpetual erraticism that the calm felt odd. He compelled himself to relish it, knowing how quickly a whispered secret, a car crash, or any misstep could alter the trajectory of his life. He hadn’t expected a simple phone call to be the impetus for the most intense change yet.

  “Hey.”

  “Blake?” Caden asked tentatively.

  “Of course it is,” Blake laughed. You called me, Caden.” Jay’s recognition of the name had him regarding Blake curiously. “How are you?”

  “Good. I haven’t heard from you since you left Florida. It’s been a while, man.”

  “I haven’t heard from you either,” Blake retorted, standing up from the couch where he’d been sitting beside Jay to take the call in his boyfriend’s bedroom. “What’s going on?”

  “Not much. I’ve been filming a lot. I signed an exclusive, so work’s been steady.”

  “Awesome, and you’re still enjoying it?” Blake asked, lying on the bed and adjusting the pillow so it was comfortably cradling his head.

  “There’s not much not to enjoy. I get paid to screw hot guys,” Caden reasoned. “I don’t know what could be better than that.”

  “You told me there were some cons to the whole thing,” he reminded, recalling the short list of concerns Caden had shared about his career.

  “Honestly, I can’t see them beyond the money,” Caden chuckled.

  “It’s that good?”

  “Yeah. It’s not like they throw it at you but there are a lot of opportunities besides the actual filming.”

  “Appearances and stuff?”

  “You got it,” Caden confirmed.

  “Damn. That’s cool.”

  “It is. Do you still have your restaurant job or are you just camming?”

  “I’m doing both.”

  “So, the camming money hasn’t been good?” Caden questioned.

  “It’s great,” Blake bristled. “What are you angling at?”

  “Nothing,” he replied quickly. “It’s been months and people haven’t stopped talking about our cam show, including my bosses.”

  “Oh yeah? They’re saying shit about it to you?” Blake asked, stunned by the revelation. While he knew his followers were into him, he never imagined that he would remain on the minds of men who spent their days around the hottest guys. Blake had never had confidence issues, but there was nothing like a good stroke to the ego, and Caden was working it well.

  “All the time.”

  “You’re exaggerating,” Blake accused.

  “Maybe a little bit, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that they were intrigued by you.”

  “Intrigued, huh?” Blake repeated. “They’re intrigued by me? Why?”

  “Your personality, looks, cock...” Caden said as though it should be entirely obvious. “Have you given any thought to applying?”

  “I mean, I think about it, but it’s not like I’m hardcore considering it or anything.”

  “Why not?”

  It was a good question. Since getting back together with Jay, Blake didn’t let his mind get lost in scenarios where he exploited the popularity and the success he’d found on BodyBanter. It was enough to make money on his own terms and he didn’t look beyond the present. But, sometimes, despite his efforts, Blake would shift to a more curious state where his resistance would wane. He would find himself perusing the Helix website once again, wondering if he had the wherewithal to take the step, and if Jay would ever be open to the idea to walk beside him as he did. It was too much to ask of someone, so he stopped asking himself if it was an option, even when he wanted to know the answer.

  “Why am I not considering it?” Blake mused. “Um, a bunch of reasons.”

  “Do you care to share any of them?” Caden pressed. His demeanor was much more supportive than pressure-laden, like he was trying to set caged potential free.

  “Well, for one, my boyfriend is against it.”

  “Boyfriend.” Caden declared, as if the word itself was an insult. “Since when?”

  “A few months.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  They were silent for a moment, the awkward exchange robbing them both of words.

  “I didn't think you expected anything,” Blake said, finally. “I thought it was for a purpose, you know?”

  “And that’s why you’d be good in porn,” Caden asserted. “Because you’re able to separate the act from the emotion.”

  “Are you saying I’m cold?”

  “I’m saying you’re perfect,” Caden stated. “I don’t know. It’s something to think about. You have the opportunity if you want it. All you have to do is apply.”

  He made it sound simple. As if filling out an application and sending pictures wouldn’t affirm the decision Blake feared he would make. As if when the opportunity was tangible, he would have the ability to turn away from it and remain in Jay’s arms. He loved his boyfriend, but temptation was a motherfucker. There was no reason to dangle himself in front of it, especially when he wasn’t sure his ropes would hold.

  “You really like it?” Blake asked cautiously
, tip-toeing around the answer he already knew. He wanted to hear it again.

  “I love it,” Caden promised. “I’m not trying to talk you into anything. I want you to know you have the chance. That’s it.”

  “Well, I appreciate you reaching out,” Blake said, peeking up at Jay, who was leaning on the frame of the door. Waving him in, Blake welcomed him under his arm as he wrapped up the conversation with Caden. “Thanks for thinking of me.”

  “No problem, Blake. I hope you’ll consider it. I think you’d be great.”

  “Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Later.”

  Ending the call, Blake tossed his phone onto the bed beside him. “What are you thinking for dinner? Do you think we should warm up some of Jane’s world-famous mac and cheese?”

  “What was that about?” Jay asked, looking up at Blake with his dark blue eyes.

  “You have the nicest eyelashes,” Blake commented, tapping the pad of his finger against the long lashes. “Has anyone told you that before?”

  “Has anyone told you it’s obvious when you’re avoiding a subject you don’t want to talk about?”

  “You have. Several times,” Blake smirked, letting out a labored sigh when Jay didn’t smile back.

  “Be honest with me.”

  “I’m always honest with you.”

  “Okay. I’m waiting then,” Jay said, sitting up and guiding Blake by the wrist to do the same. They sat facing each other, Blake wondering why the air in the room was suddenly so thick. He coughed through the constriction.

  “I guess a few of Caden’s producers are really interested in me.”

  “Romantically?” Jay asked, confused.

  “No, no. Interested in me coming to work for them. Caden pretty much told me if I apply it’ll be a done deal.”

  “What gave them the impression that you’d be interested? Did you submit something?”

  “I didn’t submit anything,” Blake promised. “They really liked the show I did with Caden in Florida.”

  “That was a while ago.”

  “They think I have a lot of potential,” Blake shrugged.

  “And what do you think?” Jay wondered.

  “I know I have potential. That’s not the issue.”

  “What’s the issue? Me?” Jay asked, rolling his lips in tight.