by Bry Ann
“Okay, I believe you.”
He let out a wicked grin and grabbed a condom from the dresser. We’d both bought some just in case.
While he put on the condom I realized it was the first time I got a good look at his cock. I had been too embarrassed to look before, but I felt less so now. I gasped when I saw it. It was huge and hard between his legs.
“That’s gonna… that’s gonna hurt me,” I stuttered.
Totally nerd moment.
“Maybe a little,” Gunner said leaning over me, thankfully not acknowledging my awkwardness, “but I’ll go slow. I’ll stop if you want me too. Pleasure is the goal here babe. Plus, your plenty wet enough for me.”
He let out a cocky smile.
“Asshole.”
I tried for joking, but my words were weak. I was starting to get scared. Gunner positioned himself over me, but the second I felt his cock hit my thigh I was gone. Frozen. I was somewhere else in my mind. The bad place. The darkest one. The one that haunted my nightmares. I felt Gunner’s body lift off mine, but I was frozen. Then I was being lifted off the bed and I was in Gunner’s arms. The second I was felt my head hit his chest I started crying. I curled into him, wanting to disappear.
“I’m so sorry. This is so awful. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want this. I don’t even know…”
I sobbed harder and Gunner held me tight in his arms. I felt safe. His body felt safe. Between his overall size, muscles and what I knew what he was capable of I knew no harm would come to me when I was with him. More than anything though he had my trust. Completely and totally. I knew he’d never let anyone hurt me.
“You okay?” he asked after a while.
I sniffled and tucked my head into his chest, humiliated. I felt his body stiffen, although I had no idea why.
“I’m so sorry Gunner.” My voice cracked. “I’m such a mess. I’m in my late twenties and I still can’t do this. People have been through so much worse than me.”
Gunner held my head protectively.
“Do not be embarrassed Dana. Do you hear me? Do not apologize. It’s just me. I can wait. I’m a grown man. You were so much more comfortable this time than last time. These things take time.”
I lifted my head off his chest and looked him in the eye as he held me.
“How are you so good with me? You’re you. This badass, drug dealing, no mercy guy with a seriously dark reputation. How are you so patient and gentle with me,” I looked down, “You make me feel safe.”
Gunner looked at me for a second as if he was trying to choose his words carefully.
“Honestly, it beats the fuck out of me. When I’m with anyone else I’m annoyed, angry. I’d do anything to keep my wall up and keep people away, keep the reputation I’ve built over the years. When I am with you though, it’s like I fucking hate seeing you hurt. It does something to me. It makes me be whoever I need to be to help you.”
“I love you.”
He smiled. No pause whatsoever. The only thing that could have made this moment something beautiful.
“I know. I love you too.”
“What am I going to do? I can’t stay at this hotel forever. I don’t want to go back home. I feel stifled there. It’s like I can’t get out of my old frame of mind when I’m there.”
“Move.”
“I can’t move! I’m not capable of it. My anxiety…. And what about Sam and Alexa… and Logan!” I gasped then twiddled my thumbs. “And you, I couldn’t leave you.”
“First, you are capable of anything. Don’t say that. You can beat your anxiety Dana. Don’t let that hold you back. Two, everyone who loves you will stay in touch. There’s texting, Skype, FaceTime, Logan’s private jet,” I giggled. “They adore you. You’d never lose them. They are your people.”
I crawled off his lap and put on my shirt and threw him his pants. We were still half naked, but at least partially covered.
“How about me and you move here. Not here, here but around here. Maybe just for a while, but just a chance to have some peace without Logan’s crazy life and our pasts being shoved in our faces.”
I whipped around in shock.
“You’d do that? You’d… want that? With me?”
“Yeah I would. Of course, I would.”
I was about to leap in his arms and kiss the shit out of him when I heard a soft knock on the door.
“Fuck,” I whispered, scrambling around for the rest of our clothes and throwing Gunner’s at him. Gunner started to laugh.
“Hold on a second,” I called out with a shaky voice.
“Day, it’s Alexa. I just... need a friend.”
I turned to Gunner with a dropped jaw.
“Hurry up,” I snapped at him unintentionally.
I didn’t care in the moment. Alexa needed me, and she never needed anyone. I was grateful to see Gunner scrambling and taking this as seriously as I was.
When he was both dressed I quickly tried to fix my hair as I opened the door. Gunner was behind me and Alexa stared at the two of us with a dropped jaw and barged in the room. She looked around for a second and then her eyes lit up.
“Were you guys fucking?” she gasped. My cheeks turned bright red and Gunner started to laugh behind me. “Holy shit Dana!” Alexa gave me a giant hug. “I needed this. Wow, my spirits have been lifted.”
“We didn’t fuck,” I tried to mumble, but before I could finish Rex was in the doorway. He looked at Gunner with a shocked expression and a raised eyebrow. Then he looked at me, even more shocked and smirked.
“Well good for you buddy,” he whispered with a laugh.
“Does everyone need to be in here?” I snapped.
I felt like I could die of embarrassment. We didn’t even fuck. I had a breakdown before that could even happen. I felt humiliated and ashamed, although I know no one meant for me to feel that way. This was just their personalities. My body started to shake, and I heard Gunner stop laughing.
“Can you guys give us two seconds? Just step out in the hall.”
“I’m not stepping out in the hall with him. I’m Dana’s friend. I’ve seen it all!” Alexa snapped.
I looked back timidly and saw Gunner throw her a dark look.
“You walked up with him. You can stand outside with him for two seconds.”
Alexa glared back at him but backed off when she saw the intensity of his expression. Whether I liked it or not Gunner could be terrifying. Alexa followed Rex into the hall mumbling the whole way how she didn’t walk with Rex up here.
Once they were gone I found the chair and collapsed with my head in my hands.
“How did you know? How did you know I was upset?”
“I know you Dana. Not to mention, you were shaking from head to toe and looked around the room like a deer in headlights.”
“Thank you,” I mumbled.
“Not needed.”
There was a long silence then I looked up at Gunner with watery eyes.
“We didn’t do anything.”
“I know Dana,” Gunner said softly as he crouched down to move my hair back.
“I was so embarrassed. I shouldn't be, but I was… and then ashamed because we didn’t even do anything because of me.”
“Sex has never been just sex to you.”
Gunner got up and started making the bed.
“There’s so much tied into it for you. So much that I, nor anyone else who hasn’t been through what you have, will ever understand.”
Gunner threw me a brush and I ran it through my hair my shaking started to decrease, and my heart rate started to drop.
“You ready?” Gunner asked with an encouraging smile as he held the doorknob.
“As I’ll ever be.”
Dana- 26 Years Old:
Logan, Alexa and I sat around Sam’s bed as the monitors beeped around us. There was an eerie silence in the room. We were going to leave Jazmine with Alexa, but she begged us to let her be there for Sam too. We couldn’t say no to th
at. Since Logan and I wanted to be there too, so we debated putting Jazmine in daycare for the day, but Logan wouldn’t have it. I begged him and made arguments, but he said he wasn’t putting his newly found daughter in daycare while her mom was in the hospital. Finally, Logan paid off Mrs. Arnette from my treatment center to watch Jazmine. It was her day off, and it was the only person Logan could think of that he would trust with Jazmine who wasn’t in the room with us. Mrs. Arnette and Logan had had a lot of communication over the years because of me. We obviously didn’t tell Jazmine her mom tried to kill herself, so we told her we had adult stuff to do today so she’d be staying with a friend. As far as Jazmine was concerned her mom was still in the hospital healing from the original injuries. Logan also put a bodyguard on the two of them. Thank God, the guards were good at being subtle and luckily the press had yet to find out about Jazmine, so we were good from a press standpoint.
We were all half asleep, our eyes drooped, and our bodies slunk back in the chairs, when we heard the beeping increase of the machine’s keeping Sam alive increase. We all shot up.
“Sam! Sam!” I yelled desperate for her to hear me. I needed to know she was okay.
“I’m alive,” came a really weak voice.
She was all drugged up and probably felt like shit from being out for so long. I was getting ready to reply in a gentle tone when Logan shot up, sending his chair to fly back.
“Yeah, you know what, damn right you are fucking alive! How could you do this? How?!”
I was PISSED! Did he not hear anything I said?
“Logan!” I yelled. “Calm the fuck down.”
He glared at me, but backed off Sam. I looked over at Sam to make sure she was okay. Alexa was whispering something to her. I knew Alexa would get through to her, so I breathed a sigh of relief. I stood up and grabbed Logan’s arm roughly and tugged him out of the room.
“What the hell Logan?”
He glared at me then, without saying a word, walked off with one of his bodyguards. I let out a sad sigh. He was hurting so bad. I just hoped Sam didn’t have to suffer anymore because of it. I soon left the hospital too, and I know Alexa left soon after that. We all knew Sam was exhausted and needed time to wake up. To come to terms with everything, and the hospital would keep a close eye on her. My plan was to come back in the morning and I figured it was the same for everyone else.
I made it back to my room and febreezed the shit out of it before somebody complained. I finished cleaning up the vomit and by the time I was done I felt sick again. Luckily, I was able to hold back this time. I changed into a tank top and some sweatpants and plopped down on the couch. I grabbed the remote to turn on the TV for some sort of distraction when my phone rang. I picked it up without looking at the caller ID. I was too tired and didn’t even want to be on the phone in the first place.
“This is Dana,” I said curtly.
“Dana, It’s Gunner.”
I recognized his tone and sat up immediately.
“What’s wrong?”
“You need to come to the hospital. Logan and I are on the way. We’ll get there first, but I’ll need you there for moral support after.”
Like the day before I frantically went around my apartment with my phone on my ear looking for my jacket and shoes.
“What happened?”
“It’s not what’s happened it’s what’s going to happen. Someone’s going to try and kill Sam. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure of it.” I gasped. “Don’t worry Logan and I are on the way. Nothing will happen. Meet me there.”
I heard his car squeal and then he hung up. I threw on my jacket and flip flops and bolted out of my apartment. I rushed out the door and was at the hospital in a heartbeat. I ran in the room and looked around for a second. When I saw Gunner and Logan standing there strong and proud and no sign of a struggle I ran to Sam. I hugged her and was pretty sure Sam was calmer than I was. In fact, she didn’t seem at all affected. She seemed oddly calm. Her breathing had regulated, and her shoulders were held firm. Feeling more at ease I walked over to Gunner and squeezed his hand. I felt so immensely grateful to him I felt like I could burst. No one even asked him to save Sam this time. He just did. I didn’t know how he knew she’d be attacked, but that didn’t matter to me. Standing next to him as a friend was almost painful in that moment. I was so in love with him it was actually crazy. It didn’t help that I saw Sam eyeing us suspiciously.
After the attack Sam seemed a lot brighter. I didn’t fully understand it, but she kept saying how having a gun pointed at her head reminded her of why she wanted to live. Honestly, that sounded a little crazy to me, but I knew better than anyone sometimes the brain does things that make no sense and I was just happy she was finding reasons to live. I came to visit her every day. I slowly opened up to her about my struggles and my story. I hated talking about it, but I could tell it was helping her, so I kept going. On the fifth day the vibe between the two of us was different. We had grown close, really close. Logan was still being an ass, but you know, he always was when he was angry. The other four days it had mainly been me who talked. Sam barely discussed herself or what happened. However, on that fifth day I could see she was ready to talk. There was something in her eyes. I sat down and confessed a few more of my darkest secrets and then she sighed and began to open up. She talked about everything from what the men did to her and how she felt everyone would be better off without her, a feeling I very much related to. Then she went on to discuss her scars and how that was her biggest trigger. My heart broke for her. I was leaning in to comfort her when Logan snuck in the room. He told me him and Sam needed to talk. I felt so angry, violated even, even though it wasn’t my story he was listening in on. I stood up and went over to him.
“We are talking creeper.”
“Dana,” he said looking me dead in the eye. “A minute. I need a minute.”
I pursed my lips but gave him a nod. I could see in his eyes he wasn’t angry, he was determined. I hoped it was for Sam’s benefit. I gave Sam an apologetic look and went out in the hallway. I paced around for a while and after a few minutes Logan popped his head out and told me to go home. He seemed sad, but lighter. Some of that hurt and anger he was carrying seemed to have dissipated. He even gave me a grateful smile. I nodded in response and he shut the door. I knew this was good. He was helping Sam. I let out a small smile of relief and headed home. They’d end up together I just knew it. It made me so happy.
I headed home and on my way, I saw the first newspaper headline. My stomach dropped. I didn’t even bother to read it. I saw something about a kidnapping and Logan and a child. I felt like I could cry. Logan didn’t need this now. Sam really didn’t need this now. That fire and hatred I felt for Hollywood burned brighter. When I got to my place I parked and texted Logan. I didn’t want to call because he was having a moment with Sam. Logan ignored texts sometimes, but I knew he’d never ignore a call. No matter what. He always planned for emergencies.
Dana: You’re going to have trouble when you leave the hospital. Just a warning. I’m so sorry brother. I'm so, so sorry.
I felt a tear slip down my face as I walked into my building. I wiped it away quickly and headed to my mailbox, 1041. I opened it expecting nothing, like usual. Except this time a letter popped out. I ran up to my room and quickly opened it. I immediately recognized the handwriting.
Gunner was gone.
Present Day: Chapter 13:
“So, are you ever going to tell me what is up between you and Rex?” I asked as Alexa and I sat poolside.
“No, probably not.”
“Okay, how about what happened to your hand?”
I already knew the answer to that one, but I was curious to see if she’d tell me.
“Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on between you and Gunner?” she quipped back.
I blushed and shrugged.
“We are boyfriend and girlfriend. You know that.”
“The bright red color of your cheeks tells me
there’s more. How about this, you spill what’s going on between you two lovebirds and I will spill one secret.”
“About Rex?” I asked enthusiastically.
“No, you little bitch. Not about him. Another secret. Trust me I have plenty.”
I laughed.
“I had to try.”
She grinned back at me.
“I can do nothing but respect the effort. The old Dana wouldn’t have even had the balls to ask.”
“Well Dana has been hanging around you and Sam too long.”
“Don’t forget your psycho boyfriend. He’s no picnic either.”
“Yeah him too,” I laughed.
“At least you acknowledge it’s crazy. I mean it really is crazy Dana. He is a redeemed fucking murder girl and you are like an angel straight from heaven.”
“Okay, no I am not, and Gunner is different with me. Always has been, and he won’t kill anymore.”
I hoped. That is the only topic of our relationship where doubt creeped into my head. I knew he loved me, but I still wasn’t sure if he loved me enough to give up his old life and past habits.
“Hey, I’m not judging. I fucked that twat Mike forever. So, do we have a deal? A secret for a secret?”
I didn’t want to tell her, but I was desperate to know more about her and the bright look on her face made me happy. Especially since I saw her breakdown the other day and realized how much pain she was really in.
“Deal.”
“Yes bitch! Now spill.”
“Gunner, um, Gunner offered to move here… with me.”
I scrunched my face and looked at her.
“HOLY FUCK!” she screamed. “You’re joking?”
“Alexa geez, do you want the whole hotel to know? Keep your voice down, and no I am not joking. He did. I was talking about not wanting to go back to Nashville and he brought it up.”
“You don’t want to go back to Nashville?”
My face fell.
“I love you guys so much. I do. I just...so much has happened there. Being here has made me realize how stuck that place makes me feel. I need space for a bit. Not forever, I do love Nashville, just after everything that happened I need a little space.”