Home is Where the Heart Is (Home #1)

by Cheynee Filkov

  I am pure ice and the attempts are futile.

  Tears I want to cry, freeze on my face,

  I get colder. Life gets harder.

  No one will ever understand the torment of my isolation.

  How deep it hurts to be frozen out from your world,

  And never be allowed back in again.

  I am forever suspended in time.

  Observing the world around me but never being part of it.

  I am ice.

  And I wish it would kill me.

  CHAPTER 10

  JACE

  Her words. Her pain, it was tangible.

  It was brutal but it was also beautiful.

  Jace stared at the notice board, or more specifically, Isabelle’s poem displayed boldly next to Kimberley’s on the notice board.

  Her words slid over him and he felt a stupid urge to either hit something or cry. He hated that she felt this way but really hated that she had ripped herself raw and now the whole school would bear witness to it.

  Distractedly he eyed Kimberley’s poem to try and ease his anger, but after he finished reading the last paragraph – twice - he felt more enraged than ever.

  Not caring about the consequences he ripped both poems down and shoved them in his bag. Screw the school and the idiots in it having that kind of emotional ammo. Not even Kimberley deserved that.

  “Hey!”

  Jace jumped and spun around to see Isabelle beaming at him.

  “What are you doing?”

  He hid shaking hands in his pockets and forced a lazy smile.

  “Keeping up to date with the school’s riveting current events.”

  Isabelle quirked an eyebrow. “Riveting?”

  Jace pulled her to the front of the board then covered her back with his body, lightly boxing her in and feeling her tremble against him.

  “See?” he said gruffly in her ear, pointing at the first sign he saw. “How else would I know where I can rent a tux for formal?”

  Isabelle turned in his arms so their noses were practically touching. “You’d wear a tux?”

  “Enjoying that mental image, huh?”

  “Are you this arrogant with your other girls?”

  Her words sent a flare of annoyance through him. He was no angel but when had he ever done anything to give her the impression that his interest went anywhere beyond her?

  He backed her up so she was pressed against the board, leaning down so his lips were at her ear.

  “There’s only one girl, Isabelle.”

  Her breathing hitched, her eyes widened and filled with anticipation.

  Holy shit. Did she want him to kiss her?

  He ran his thumb across her bottom lip gently.

  “Jace,” Isabelle whispered brokenly.

  He tilted his head down slowly, giving her ample time to pull away and stop him.

  But she didn’t stop him.

  The fucking announcement did.

  “To the principal’s office immediately: Isabelle Mason and Kimberley Evans. Repeat, needed in the office without delay: Isabelle Mason and Kimberley Evans.”

  “Shit,” Jace muttered irately, pressing his forehead against Isabelle’s.

  She smiled up at him sheepishly. “That’s my cue to go.”

  Reluctantly Jace released her, stepping back to put some space between them before he did something stupid like kiss her anyway.

  “I want to take you out tomorrow night,” he stated firmly.

  “Like a date?”

  “No, not like a date,” he replied.

  Isabelle’s face flushed and she looked ready to bolt.

  Damn. He was pushing too much.

  “Just think about it,” he told her with a smile. “No pressure.”

  Returning his smile with a shy one Isabelle nodded and then hurried toward the office.

  “Well, well, well, look who’s gone and gotten himself pussy whipped.”

  Jace stiffened and turned to a sneering Tyler.

  “Shut your mouth,” Jace growled.

  “You didn’t correct me, man,” Tyler taunted.

  “I’d be happy to correct your face if you don’t shut up and move out of my way.”

  Tyler grinned broadly. “You know, I miss stoner Jace, he was way more fun. The new Jace is an uptight bitch. Actually, speaking of tight bitches, how’s Isabelle measure up? Once she’s done with you, I’d be happy to show her what a good time really is.”

  Grabbing Tyler by the throat, Jace slammed him hard against the notice board, sending flyers fluttering around them.

  “You don’t speak to her, you don’t look at her, you don’t even think about her or I’ll ruin you. You got that?”

  “Whoa! Dude, let go!” Matt yelled, pulling Jace off a choking Tyler.

  Jace shot Tyler a final threatening glare, shrugged Matt off and stalked away.

  Man, what he really needed was a joint to settle his anger and dull his emotions but he wasn’t going to fall into Tyler’s trap. Shit, he was so messed up, why were his emotions always so tightly wound and this irrational rage so quick to boil to the surface? Maybe he really was a head case.

  “Dude, what the hell was that?” Matt demanded as he caught up.

  “Tyler’s a dick and needed a lesson in respect.”

  Matt eyed him wearily. “And since when were you the guy to be teaching those kinds of lessons?”

  “Since he pissed me off,” Jace replied through gritted teeth.

  “Because of Isabelle.”

  It wasn’t even a question, just a flat statement which pissed Jace off further. And he really didn’t like the way Matt was looking at him or how he’d said Isabelle’s name.

  “What?” he rasped in annoyance.

  Matt held his hands up but didn’t back away. “You’re so juiced, man, ready to take anyone’s head off. Hell, you’d probably even kill for that girl and she’s not even yours, so I’m just a bit worried is all.”

  Jace had to work to push away the venom he wanted to spew at his best friend. He was so sick of having his feelings for Isabelle examined closely and everyone needing to have a damn opinion. Who gave a shit if he’d stopped partying and started going to class? It wasn’t affecting their life so they needed to stop affecting his.

  “I’ve got it handled,” Jace chewed out.

  “Right, well I got your back if you don’t.”

  And with a slap on the back, Matt left Jace without any further pushing or prying.

  Jace sighed deeply and took a few calming breaths.

  He did need a tighter handle on himself if he was ever going to win Isabelle over. He could probably get Giselle to give him some of her anti-anxiety medications if he asked nice enough.

  He pulled out his phone to send a text when it started to vibrate with an unknown number calling.

  “Hello?”

  “Jace?”

  He froze in place, unsure if he’d started hallucinating.

  “Son, you there?”

  “What do you want?” he whispered.

  His Dad sighed in relief.

  “Oh, thank God you picked up. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

  Jace felt numb as the words washed over him.

  Was this really happening right now?

  “I’ve got so many regrets, Jace, there’s so many things I need to atone for and wish I could change. I have missed out on and hurt you all so much, it makes me feel sick thinking about it.”

  “What do you want, Simon?” Jace snapped as anger burned through the numbness.

  “Just a chance to explain, and to apologise. I’ve been going to AA and I’m a year sober no”

  “And I’m just supposed to believe you?”

  “Son, listen…”

  “No Simon, you listen. You’re a sperm donor, not a father. You are the nightmare I’m trying not to wake up to and the reason my family is broken. I don’t give a fuck about what you want, how you’re doing or how sorry you feel. There’s nothing you have to say that I w
ant to hear, so just crawl back into your hole and leave us all the hell alone.”

  “I love you son. I’ve always loved you,” his Dad sobbed in reply.

  A single tear fell down Jace’s face.

  “Fuck you,” he snarled before throwing his phone against the ground with such force it shattered.

  Thankfully, the hallway was practically empty now, as his legs gave way and he collapsed to his knees, his body wracked with silent sobs.

  Three years of nothing and now he decides to call? That man completely shattered their family. He is the reason his own Mother can’t even look at him, and he thinks ‘I’m sorry’ is going to fix all that?

  Hell. No.

  The memories started to come at him then, attacking him from within, so unrelenting he couldn’t take it for one more second. He needed an out, an escape. He would welcome the numbness, thrive in the empty feeling of nothing if it meant the aching in his chest would stop. Pushing away the guilt, he got to his feet with purpose and headed towards the bong hut at the edge of the school grounds.

  He’d deal with the fallout tomorrow.

  *

  Through the haze and blissful calm, Jace realised the golden hues above him had been replaced by a shimmering darkness. How long had he been lying here for now? Six hours? Seven? Who even cared? It wasn’t like anyone would notice he was gone.

  He lit up another joint and inhaled his high while trying to find some shapes and sense in the stars.

  “Is this party solo or can anyone join?”

  Not entirely sure she wasn’t a beautiful hallucination, Jace said nothing as Isabelle lay down next to him. They lay in silence as Jace finished the joint and tried to find the words to say to her.

  “Everyone’s been looking for you,” Isabelle told him quietly.

  “By everyone do you mean just you searching for an hour?”

  Isabelle smiled. “No, Mum wouldn’t let me out until we’d had dinner. It took me thirty minutes tops to find you.”

  Surprise filtered through him. “Thirty minutes, huh? That easy?”

  Isabelle shrugged. “It helps when you know where to look.”

  “And you knew I’d come to the school roof top?” he asked, his curiosity peaking.

  “Wasn’t too hard to figure out you’d come to the quietest, highest place since every time you’ve been upset about something you sit on your roof and watch the stars.”

  Jace stared openly at her. Who the hell was this girl? How did someone who’d known him less than two months understand him better than people he’d known his whole life?

  “My Dad called me today.”

  Jace snapped his mouth shut. What. The. Fuck.

  Where the hell had that confession come from?

  He glanced at Isabelle who was still watching the stars.

  No curiosity. No judgement. Just patience and warmth.

  He shrugged to himself. What the hell, may as well finish what he started.

  “He was an alcoholic and a mean drunk. I never wanted Mum or Maia to deal with it, so when he’d get in a rage I took it all and kept my mouth shut. For years they thought I was the problem and a trouble maker. My own Father turned my family against me because he was too much of a coward to ask for help.”

  He took a steadying breath, trying to beat back the anger.

  “He nearly killed me one night, that’s when things changed. It woke Maia up and forced my Dad to acknowledge his actions. Things were good for a while, almost normal but then…”

  Isabelle squeezed his hand, giving him the courage to continue.

  “Then he got drunk again, tried to attack Maia and I snapped. I put him in the hospital for days, and once he was discharged he stuck around long enough to sign divorce papers and get his shit. We didn’t hear from him again…until now.”

  “Do you think you could ever forgive him?” Isabelle murmured.

  Jace hesitated for a moment, knowing if he was honest with her, she’d see who he truly was and leave.

  “I don’t think so,” he finally whispered the truth anyway.

  Isabelle nodded. “I understand - bruises may fade, but the pain and scars never do. It’s hard to find it within yourself to forgive someone when they broke all the good parts of you that would make that possible.”

  “Yeah,” Jace muttered.

  “You’re not broken, Jace.”

  “What?”

  “You’re not broken, though it’s written all over you that you think you are.”

  “Isabelle,” he sighed softly. “You wouldn’t know.”

  “I understand broken and I understand damaged - you’re neither.” Her tone was absolute.

  “And what am I then?”

  “You’re really beautiful.”

  Jace turned to find Isabelle staring at him.

  He half smirked. “Isn’t that my line?”

  She shuffled a little closer. “I’m serious.”

  He watched her, gauging the situation. He did not want to screw this up because he was too high to notice a red flag when he saw one.

  She stared at his lips then licked her own and that’s all the sign he needed.

  Moving the remaining inches between them, he cupped her jaw tenderly before pressing his lips to hers.

  Isabelle’s trembling hands fisted in his shirt and pulled him closer, so Jace hesitantly deepened the kiss, coaxing her mouth open, then pulling her bottom lip with his teeth.

  She gasped and then tentatively slid one hand under his shirt to clutch his back as the other hand tangled in his hair.

  Shit, she was hot and damn sweet too. He’d kissed a fair few girls in his time but nothing even came close to what he was feeling right now.

  He needed more of her, had to be closer, so Jace rolled so that he was on top of her and released her lips to press kisses to her cheek, her ears, her neck. When he sucked a small line down her neck towards her shoulder he felt the moment her passion gave way to terror, her whole body stiff and shuddering.

  “Not like this,” she sobbed quietly.

  Jace sprung off immediately, his breathing heavy and heart pounding. She was crying and her eyes were crazed and unfocused.

  “Angel?”

  Jace reached out to touch her arm softly.

  “No!” she shrieked, and hit him so hard in the face his nose began to bleed.

  “Shit!” Jace reared back, clutching his nose as Isabelle seemed to snap out of it.

  “Jace? Oh my god!”

  She scrambled over to him, looking equally haunted and horrified.

  “Oh my god, what have I done? I am so sorry, are you OK? Please be OK, I’m so sorry!”

  Jace tried to smile, earning himself a mouthful of blood which he had to cough up, only creating more hysteria in Isabelle.

  “Here, use this!”

  In true testament to how panicked she must be Isabelle ripped off her shirt, leaving her in only a sexy lace tank and bra, pressing her shirt to his face as she cradled him in her arms.

  “Jace, I- I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t here for a second and…”

  She broke off as tears choked her and Jace’s heart fractured a little more.

  “Hey, it’s OK, really. I grew up with Maia, so I’m no stranger to blood noses, and it’s actually kind of a relief to know that you’ve got a mean right hook to help me out with if I’m ever in trouble.”

  Isabelle choked on a half sob, half laugh and threw herself into his arms so firmly that he fell backwards and they landed in a heap of limbs.

  “I’m so messed up Jace, I’m sorry. That was a really great kiss and I ruined it, I’m so sorry.”

  Jace cupped her face with one hand, his other holding her shirt firmly to his nose.

  “If you apologise for kissing me one more time, I’m going to get a complex.”

  She pulled a face at him but stopped crying. Point one for Jace.

  “I feel like there’s so much I need to explain to you, but I just don’t…” she trailed off and loo
ked down, her cheeks heated in shame.

  “Isabelle, look at me,” Jace said softly.

  She lowered her head further.

  “Isabelle, come on. Look at me, babe.”

  Her head snapped up with the term of endearment, and Jace filed that little fun fact away for later.

  “You don’t have to explain anything to me - you don’t have to tell me anything, OK? I’ll still be here.”

  Her eyes filled with tears again and then she buried her face in his chest so he couldn’t see her at all.

  “I’m a virgin,” she whispered to him.

  Jace fought the urge to stiffen at the revelation and remained still, not wanting to spook her.

  “There’s no shame in that, Isabelle.”

  “No…I...” she took a deep breath to collect herself. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m still a virgin but…but it was almost taken away from me…violently and it’s…it’s sort of ruined me.”

  Jace had guessed that she’d been hurt, thought he’d come to terms with it, but nothing prepared him for hearing it from her lips. Not for the image of her helpless, crying and hurt as some lowlife tried to force himself on her - tried to rape her.

  His high was completely gone now and instead all he could feel was rage, blinding encompassing rage. He was going to kill Jason, that much was for certain. He would break him down piece by piece and then he would obliterate him.

  First though, he needed to take care of Isabelle.

  “You’re not ruined, Angel,” he told her firmly. “You are so…you’re just everything beautiful and real to me. I will never hurt you, I promise.”

  He’d meant to soothe her, relax her nerves a bit but she stiffened further in his arms and then pulled away from him completely.

  “Jace…I…I can’t be what you need me to be. I can’t be anyone’s anything because I don’t have anything to give. The right thing to do would be to walk away from you completely but… but I’m so selfish and I need you in my life, you make me feel better, feel happy and I do really care about you, I just can’t give you more than that.”

  Jace felt split in two. On one hand she’d told him she cared and admitted that she needed him, but she’d also basically rejected him and said it was never going to go anywhere, at least not to where he wanted it to go.

  He struggled with his emotions, fighting the demons inside that screamed he was never going to be good enough.