I tell him that I don’t get how this should upset me.
‘Then it hit me that yes, I was taller and I didn’t look like a child anymore but I had no experience whatsoever with girls, I hadn’t kissed anyone and I thought that I couldn’t embarrass myself in front of you if you finally liked me as more than friends... So it started innocently: at parties there were lots of people casually making out and I started doing that. Then I talked to a few of my teammates and showed them some photos of you and they told me that there was no way you didn’t have a boyfriend and if you did, you would certainly expect to go out with someone experienced. Clary, I was an idiot, I believed them. Partially because I was certain that every guy in your school would be asking you out. So I started hanging out with the captain of the cheerleading squad: she was a senior and very beautiful and her boyfriend had gone to college so they had broken up. Also, there were rumours that since the breakup, she had been casually hooking up with possibly half the football team. So when we were officially introduced at a party and she started flirting with me, I didn’t mind.’
I look at his sad face.
‘Are you trying to tell me that you have a girlfriend back in San Francisco?’
‘No. We started hanging out but I never used the word boyfriend and girlfriend or relationship, I thought we were just hooking up. I had sex with her. For about 3 months, all we would do was meet up at my house or hers and then sleep together. When she invited me to her senior prom, I should have known that she thought that we were in a relationship and I suppose I might have suspected that she had feelings for me but I decided to ignore it and just told myself that I never talked about feelings, so if I was more than a casual hook up for her, it was her problem and not mine. I was cruel, I was just using her to be sure that if things with you went how I hoped, I wouldn’t disappoint you by being inexperienced. And I was a double idiot because it never even occurred to me to use protection. So, after prom, she got a hotel room for us to spend the night together and while we were... You know... I called her Clary.’
I gasp.
‘Her name is Harper. She obviously was furious, she said that she loved me and I was totally blindsided because I had never taken her feelings into account. So I confessed that I was in love with another girl and she was so mad. I don’t blame her: I used her and the only thing I can say in my defence is that I was so focused on getting ready to finally winning your love that I hadn’t even stopped to consider Harper’s feelings. It doesn’t matter about the rumours that she wasn’t that hard to get, I should have known better and treated her with a lot more respect. At least I should have made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.’
He continues his story:
‘Obviously she refused to talk to me after that night: my feelings hadn’t changed but I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. Until I got a phone call from her that she was late...’
‘Late?’
‘Her period...’
My eyes dilate in horror:
‘Logan, did you...’
He shakes his head.
‘No, it was a false alarm. But that gave me a huge reality check: I realised that not only I had risked getting her pregnant but also getting a disease... So I got tested and luckily I am clean. But I know there’s no excuse for my behaviour towards Harper and if that changes things between us for you, I can’t blame you...’
His voice fades and breaks at the end, a tear sliding down his cheek. He doesn’t even attempt to look me in the eyes.
I sigh and take his hand: we are now sitting up on the bed, my dress still completely open and he’s still in his underwear.
I kiss his tears away and settle down on his lap, cupping his face between my hands and looking at his blue eyes, clouded and darkened by tears.
‘Logan, look at me...’
He lifts his head as if the gesture costs him a huge effort.
I place a kiss on his lips and hug him tight, resting my head on his shoulder and still looking in his eyes:
‘I don’t hate you. I never could. Yes, you could have behaved way better and you hurt Harper. I guess in a way you behaved in a similar way to how I acted towards you, Xander and Austin. Sure, I have feelings for the three of you but really I should have spoken up way sooner.
Now, I am not absolving you for how you treated her but regardless of her forgiving you, you need to forgive yourself. You aren’t a bad person, you are the sweetest, most compassionate guy I have ever met and such a good friend. I know you will never act that way again, that you have learned your lesson, like I learned mine. It’s not my place to forgive you but I do, I am not mad at you and I love you even more than before for being honest with me. You could have simply told me that you had sex before and leave it at that...’
He shakes his head again, his big hands warming up my back from inside my dress.
‘I could have never started a relationship with you without being honest, Clary. I might not be perfect but you get the truth and you get my best for as flawed as it might be...’
He kisses me full of emotion: his lips trembling against mine at first and then with more confidence when I hold him tight against me.
I put some distance between us to do something I should have done a while ago:
‘Logan, I am so sorry for how I treated you for the last two summers. I was so self centred and even if I thought you were a kid, I should have been nicer...’
He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear.
‘You didn’t treat me badly, Clary. You just seemed completely oblivious to my feelings for you and it’s not like I told you exactly how I felt...’
‘If you had, I don’t think it would have made a difference. I was so preoccupied with getting Joel to notice me that...’
He interrupts me:
‘Joel?’
I tell him about the huge crush I had had on him since forever.
‘I guess in a way he considered me a kid... I think he still does but it doesn’t really matter anymore: I still think he’s handsome but I realised that he just goes from one girl to the other without considering their feelings...’
‘You have forgiven me for doing exactly the same with Harper...’
I put my head on his chest, my hands skimming down his lean waist and hips.
‘You are sorry for how you acted. Joel just keeps repeating that behaviour at every given occasion.’
We stay in a quiet embrace for a while until he asks me:
‘So, I am in no way trying to put pressure on you but have you thought about how you want our relationship to be... Sexually? I won’t be upset if you tell me that sex is totally off the table for a long time, I will wait for you as long as you need me to but I need to know how you feel... Don’t take me wrong, I don’t think I ever wanted anything more than to make love to you: I have had sex but I have never made love and with you...’
I tell him that honestly I don’t know: sex isn’t totally off the table but right now I don’t feel ready.
‘See, if we had done it now, without the conversation we just had... I think it’s good to get to know each other better. We have known each other for two years but that was just as friends, now it’s different.’
He nods.
‘So, how do we go about it? Will you tell me when you need me to slow down or stop?’
‘Yes. And as for protection... I have never done anything more than what we did together today. But I am on the pill for other reasons. So when we eventually get there, I think that’s enough protection. If you are happy with it.’
His arms tighten around me:
‘I am very happy with it. I am all yours, Clary: mind, heart and body, whenever you’ll be ready for it... I will be your very own sex toy!’
He chuckles and I give his chest a playful push.
‘Really? So are you saying that I can do to you whatever I want? Including this...?’
My fingers start tickling his sides and he squirms trying to get away from m
e but I jump on top of him still tickling him and straddling his waist.
Smack! I don’t know if it’s the noise to stop me or the feeling of his hand on my buttock.
He didn’t hit to hurt, it was playful and more noisy than anything else, so my hands get away from his waist and hips and grab his wrists, trying to prevent him from smacking me again.
I lean against him, our noses touching and I ask, trying to contain the laughter that threatens to erupt in my voice:
‘Did you just spank me?’
He grins.
‘Well, you were being a very naughty girl, so...’
I bite on his bottom lip.
‘I can’t believe you spanked me!’
I try to sound outraged but he knows I am just playing so he remarks:
‘I can do it again, since you seem to really like it...’
I scoff.
‘In your dreams!’
‘Well, you were tickling me and after I spanked you, look at us... you are on top of me, your gorgeous boobs really close to my face, your legs wrapped around my waist... I’d say that my situation has dramatically improved since before my hand made contact with your ass...’
I laugh at his goofiness.
‘When did you become such a smart ass?’
His eyes glint with amusement.
‘Well, I Guess that’s one thing that hasn’t changed between us: you’ve always called me a smart ass.’
I let go of his wrists and he wraps his strong arms around my waist, his hands on my back, so I lower myself onto him, our bodies touching in all sort of places.
I feel his groin twitching and hardening and I can’t help but grind my hips against his, a pure reaction to being so close to him.
He groans and his hand cups my ass for a second pressing me closer to him but then he immediately tries to shift me to the side, to get some distance between our nether regions.
‘Sorry but that felt way too good and if you keep that up, not even me thinking of dead puppies will save your virtue...’
I widen my eyes in surprise and horror:
‘Dead puppies? Is that what you think about when we are making out?’
He laughs, his hand still keeping our torsos together.
‘I think about anything disgusting or sad...’
‘But...?’
‘How do you think I prevent myself from disregarding anything else and just have my way with you? Or when you straddle me the way you were before and you rub yourself against me like a sexy little kitty cat, how do you think I keep from exploding and embarrassing myself? Ask Xander and he’ll confirm it. To regain control, every guy thinks of off-putting or super sad stuff. Hence, dead puppies...’
I am puzzled.
‘So you don’t... Take care of things?’
He hides his face in the crook of my neck.
‘Of course, I do. I have to or I will die of sexual frustration.’
‘Blue balls...’
He laughs.
‘Yeah, you don’t sugar coat it...’
‘Well, Brie recently explained...’
‘I should have known Brie was to blame. But yes, sorry if it isn’t very romantic. I will be pining for you and miss you all night but that can happen only after a nice cold shower and having taken care of things... And I hope it doesn’t offend you if in the shower, I will think about how beautiful your body looks, how amazing it feels and I will imagine spanking you some more...’
I laugh half amused and half turned on: so both boys think about me when they...
Yes, that thought is definitely making me quite hot and bothered, so I whisper:
‘What if you taught me how to “take care of things” for you?’
He takes my face between his hands: his blue eyes staring at me, suddenly serious.
‘Would you really want to do that?’
I trace one of his abs with a finger: if Xander and Austin have a six pack, Logan definitely comes with an extra helping of muscles. I think his would be defined as a 12 pack, every part of his body is hard, chiselled and smooth.
‘Well, I guess that the way we’ll eventually get from what we are doing right now to having sex will have to evolve and start from somewhere... And I want to make you feel good...’
‘Clary...’
He whispers closing his eyes and dragging his closed lips on my neck.
‘Hey, Logan!’
Several male voices erupt in the cabin, the front door being thrown open and the door handle of the bedroom we are in being lowered while the door starts opening.
Logan acts really fast: he throws the comforter on top of us both, covering me completely.
Brooklyn enters the room, I only know from his voice, as I am completely covered by the blanket.
‘Hey, dude! What about knocking on doors, hm?’
Logan asks and I hear Brooklyn apologise.
‘Oh, sorry! I didn’t know you had company... I was just coming to ask you if you wanted to come play a game of hoops with me, Joel and the other boys before curfew...’
He hesitates.
‘I don’t know, man...’
I whisper from under the blanket.
‘I don’t mind, if you want to go...’
He makes up his mind.
‘Ok, just let me get dressed and say goodbye to my... Hm... Girlfriend and I will meet you at the basketball court in 15.’
Brooklyn leaves and we start getting dressed.
Logan doesn’t take his eyes off of me.
‘Are you sure that you don’t mind...’
I shake my head.
‘No. It’s fine, babe. I really want to see how Hazel is doing and possibly talk to Brie...’
‘Ok... But can we talk again about your idea to “take care of things” maybe tomorrow?’
I smile.
‘You got it. We’ll talk at breakfast.’
He walks me to my cabin and leaves after a sweet kiss goodnight.
At first it’s quiet until I hear a low sound: someone is sobbing softly and it’s coming from my room.
I rush in thinking that something is wrong with Hazel but I am worrying about the wrong friend: the sobbing comes from Brie who’s crying in Hazel’s arms.
I approach them giving Hazel a puzzled look but she shrugs and shakes her head.
‘Brie, honey, are you ok?’
She leaves Hazel’s arms to throw herself into mine, the sobbing increasing in volume.
‘What’s wrong, Brie?’
‘My life is completely ruined! It’s over!’
I ask her why and she sobs:
‘Justin...’
I am instantly livid.
‘That asshole! What has he done? I swear I will kick his ass...’
‘He hasn’t done anything! It’s all my fault!’
I resist from telling her that I seriously doubt that anything that might have gone wrong between her and Justin could be her fault and ask her to explain.
And Brie has never been one against full disclosure, so she floods us with a stream of tears and words:
‘I... I went to third base with him. Lots of times!’
Ew! But I keep my mouth shut and she continues.
‘He seemed happy and we had such a good time at the bonfire last night and then I was playing cards for a while with Brooklyn, Jemma and Joel and when we were done, I couldn’t find Justin. Rob told me he saw him going towards his cabin and I went there and...’
‘You found him in bed with Lucy!’
I finish for her; she stops crying for a second and looks at me in confusion:
‘Lucy? No, he was in bed with Hayley. She was on top of him... They were...’
We tell her that we can imagine what they were doing and I tell Brie that I am sorry that Justin is such a pig and the look she gives me is in part offended, in part annoyed.
‘You don’t understand! It’s all my fault, I should have known this would happen! I confronted him and he told me that he likes me, really likes me but
that he’s a man and blowjobs aren’t going to cut it. If I want him to even consider being exclusive with me, I have to sleep with him. I told him that I am not doing “it” and that I have a promise ring and I am saving myself for my husband and he snickered and told me that if I don’t give it up, I will never find a husband and to let him have fun with Hayley and that I am a little girl and to “come back when you are a woman”.’
She starts crying again and I try to sooth her by stroking her hair and whispering that Justin doesn’t deserve her.
She stops crying and looks at me again as if I was insane.
‘Are you joking? Justin is amazing, I am considering having sex with him...’
Both Hazel and I react the same way:
‘Are you crazy?’
Brie whines.
‘Why? If it’s the only way to keep him...’
And a huge argument starts: I tell her that if Justin cared about her, he wouldn’t try to force her to do anything and would wait...
‘Wait? Till when? Till I am 24 and out of college and I have a job? He’s right, I can’t expect that!’
‘But Brie, if you aren’t ready...’
‘I am ready, Clary! The only reason why I haven’t done it is that my parents made me promise in front of God and they told me clearly that if I break the promise, I will go to hell. And that if I want to marry a god fearing man, I have to stay a virgin until my wedding night or my husband will send me back to my parents because I will be damaged goods...’
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 20