He tells us.
‘It sounds a lot like what happened to me on bonfire night. Do you think who is attacking girls is the same person who did this?’
I reach into my beach bag and show him the latest threatening note I got.
‘What the fuck? Clary, this is bad. Someone must be following you everywhere, we need to be more careful, all of us. Maybe I should tell aunt Angie...’
‘Joel, please don’t. She will have to let my parents know and they will send me back home. We have 4 more weeks here and already the thought of not seeing Xander and Logan every day during the winter is killing me, I don’t want it to be over this soon...’
He sighs.
‘I understand, Clary but then you have to agree not to go anywhere by yourself, ever. If only there was cell reception here... but maybe I can do something about it and find the old walkie talkies we used between life guards before the comms system was installed a few years ago. Like that, we could always be in touch...’
‘That sounds like a good idea...’
I say, relieved.
Joel wipes some sweat away from his forehead and stands up, offering me his other hand:
‘It’s getting really hot. Come on, let’s go for a swim and then we can try and get some lunch and see if Xander and Logan are back.
I follow him into the water and we swim to the wooden platform where I almost kissed Logan a couple of weeks ago.
He helps me pull myself onto the platform and we both lie down side by side in the sun.
We don’t say anything for a little while, until he rolls onto his side, facing me.
‘So, how are you, Clary? Last time we had time to talk you were a bit... Flustered. I still can’t believe Austin was such a d-bag...’
I sigh and look in his blue eyes: they are so different than Logan’s. My boyfriend has eyes like a cloudless sky on a spring day while Joel’s are dark blue like the depths of the ocean when you look at the water from a boat and the depths of the sea are hidden and inscrutable but the surface is as shiny as a jewel.
I never thought I would be able to look into his eyes like this but I am still cautious around Joel even though I would lie if I said that being this close to him doesn’t affect me at all and I completely admit that I want him to turn out totally different than the guy I got a glimpse of the last two summers.
I know there is goodness in him or Xander wouldn’t care about him the way he does.
‘Austin and I had a massive fight and this is why he left. I don’t think he was planning all along to get me all riled up and leave, I think he got mad and just walked away before he said or did something wrong... By the way, we managed to have another fight while we were dancing last night...’
‘Well, Xander told me everything about how he reacted when you talked to him about your relationship with him and Logan... I can’t believe he and Xander were trying to date the same girl without knowing...’
I shake my head.
‘I feel responsible, if I’d had the courage to speak up about my feelings earlier, maybe things would have been different. I still can’t believe that Xander and Logan are actually happy that I am in love with both of them. And do you know about all that cliché stuff about it being impossible to love two people at the same time? Well, that’s very untrue. It’s hard to explain, I would do anything for them both. And it’s so strange because each relationship is different and progresses at different speeds but that doesn’t mean that I care more for one rather than the other.
I love then both with all my heart...’
He nods.
‘And Austin?’
‘Yes. I am devastated about how things are with him. I love him too, he gets me in a way that the other two don’t and yet all three of them get me completely. I know it sounds crazy, I would totally call bullshit if someone else told me what I just said to you and yet... Austin for example doesn’t get it, he thinks that I am trying to use them all and the fights were about the fact that he wants me to dump Logan and Xander and be exclusive with him...’
‘And you obviously won’t...’
‘I can’t Joel. And Logan and Xander are being beyond wonderful because they told me that if Austin did come around to the idea of a relationship where he isn’t my only boyfriend, they will be open to it. As long as there’s mutual respect among the guys. I don’t know how they can be so selfless, because if they only looked at another girl the way they look at me, I would lose my shit...’
‘I know only one thing, Clary: they both truly love you. I don’t know Logan that well but Xander is more of a brother to me than my own brother and I have never seen him this way. He’s a nice guy, kind, loyal and don’t let Austin impress you with all his cultured talk because Xander is one of the smartest people I have ever met. Did you know that in addition to being in the varsity football team of his high school as a running back, he was also valedictorian? He got full scholarships to all the Ivy League colleges you can think of and a lot of them came as offers because of the football but obviously when you look at his academics... And he refused all of them because he said he’s privileged enough to come from money and he has a trust fund and he doesn’t want to take the scholarship away from someone who deserves it and couldn’t otherwise pay for college.’
Sometimes I marvel at all the things I still don’t know about Xander: we talk a lot but I guess we also get very sidetracked by the attraction between us.
‘He never told me that he was valedictorian...’
Joel laughs.
‘I know the first impression he gives is of a cocky show off with all his smart ass jokes and everything but he’s the most modest piece of shit I have ever met. He never shows off about any of his achievements...’
‘It’s one of the things I started to realise once I got to know him: you see Logan’s kindness straight away, you only have to look at him. Xander on the other hand won’t open up until he decides to let someone in. For me it was hate at first sight. The first week of camp I wanted to strangle him and tried to avoid him...’
Joel laughs.
‘Yes, I heard you yelling at him a few times and I was surprised because you never yell at anybody...’
‘What can I say, he really did rub me the wrong way...’
‘Well, he would do anything for you, Clary. He had a talk with me this morning, before he left for his errands...’
I cock my head to the side in a silent question and he continues:
‘It was about what I offered you yesterday, when Austin left your room...’
I nod.
‘Yes, sorry, I told Xander. I didn’t meant to make trouble between you...’
Joel cups my cheek and looks at me with kindness in his dark blue eyes.
‘I know, Clary, don’t worry. And I understand that he’s your boyfriend and you tell him things. It’s normal. And you know, Xander wasn’t completely mad. He just told me that I have to be honest with everyone, including myself about my intentions when it comes to you. There are lots of people who might get hurt if I don’t thread carefully. And man, I hate him when he’s right! The problem is, Clary, that while I really want to get to know you and be your friend, I am extremely attracted to you.’
I try to stop him, his eyes are deep pools of emotion and desire and I don’t want him to say this kind of stuff to me. It’s scary, I don’t know what to say or if I even want to say anything.
‘Joel...’
He drags a finger on my bottom lip to silence me and continues:
‘But Xander is right once again: I need to get to know you before I decide that I want more. And if I do want more, some things in my life really need to change. I haven’t been happy in forever, since mom has been gone. And I could see being happy with you but now there’s other people involved too and I don’t only risk of hurting you, which is what has been keeping me away most recently. I’ll tell you what, Clary, I can’t promise you that I will never get tempted to cross the line before I’m ready. And of course
I have to consider you and the other guys being ready too... But there’s one thing I can promise you: the day I will kiss you, if you will let me, you will know that I’m all in.’
I don’t know what to say to that. I haven’t agreed to anything but an attempt at friendship with him and I don’t know if I even feel anything more than just that for him. I had a crush and now I know that was nothing. But a corner of my heart has a special warmth for him and wants to know him and to see him happy, even without anything other than friendship between us.
I tell him how I feel: I have become very good at it lately, I used to be so scared to let people in and open my heart before. And since I risked hurting the people I love the most because of my inability to open up, I wouldn’t say that I have become brave but I know that I prefer getting hurt because I have opened my heart than because I kept my feelings bottled up inside.
‘Thank you for being honest with me, Clary. I think whatever happens, I will treasure being your friend. I can see why Xander and Austin are head over heels in love with you. And I know Austin a bit, just give him time. The only thing is that if he behaves again like he did yesterday, Xander and I will kick his ass...’
I tell him that Xander was going to have a talk with Austin too and he nods.
‘Good, I think those two have a lot to sort out between them anyway. So... You spent the night with Xander last night... Which I know he wanted you to because he was worried about your safety but did he help you take care of what Austin left unfinished?’
In the past, I would have told him to mind his own business but I guess I will give this friendship thing a go... I would tell Brie and Hazel... Even though I am under no illusion that our friendship is going to be anything like what I have with the girls.
‘Didn’t Xander tell you what we did last night?’
Joel smiles.
‘Xander doesn’t kiss and tell, Clary. That’s one thing I have definitely been doing because I never cared about my hookups, often didn’t even know their names. When I asked him, Xander told me to ask you and if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me. So I am asking you and I won’t be offended if you don’t want to tell me...’
‘I know he and Logan talk about what happens between me and them...’
‘Yeah but that’s different because they are both involved with you.’
I tell him what happened last night between me and Xander and he stays quiet for a long moment, his eyes dark like bottomless pools.
‘And that was your first time doing that?’
He asks. I nod but I don’t tell him about it also being Xander’s first time, I think it’s up to my boyfriend to divulge that kind of thing.
‘I was so worried about biting him or not doing it right in general...’
‘Oh trust me he loved it. He refused to go into details but he told me that it was the best and most exciting night of his life. So much so that I thought you two had actually had sex...’
I blush.
‘So he told you that I’ve never...?’
‘No, he didn’t but I didn’t need to be told, Clary. I saw the way you act and no offence because I mean it totally as a compliment but you are nothing like Lucy or Hayley. It was obvious that you didn’t have a boyfriend back in L.A. and I know you would never have casual sex... So I added two and two together...’
I am a bit annoyed by his certainty and retort:
‘How do you know that I didn’t have a boyfriend and we broke up?’
He laughs.
‘I might have stalked you on Facebook and Instagram...’
‘But we aren’t friends...’
‘You are friends with Angie and she always leaves her computers logged in. Sorry, I am not proud of it but I snooped regularly...’
I shake my head.
‘Ok, you got me, I haven’t had sex before... Well apart from the stuff I’ve done with Xander...’
He nods.
‘What about Logan?’
I sigh.
‘I think he’s a bit more shy than Xander. And we have been having the worst luck. We always get interrupted when things heat up...’
I give him a pointed look and he laughs, then he lifts my chin with a finger to get me to look at him.
‘See, I know I have to get used to you being Logan’s girlfriend but while I am not jealous about knowing that you do things with Xander, I just want to kick Logan’s ass...’
‘Joel...’
I warn and he laughs again.
‘I know, I know... I am sorry, I promise I will make a real effort to be nicer and be friends with him and I promise that I won’t interrupt you anymore... Not on purpose, at least.’
‘I am going to spend the evening with him tonight. So you are warned to stay away from my room...’
He tucks a strand of my wet hair behind my ear and offers:
‘Look I give you a peace offering just to show you how serious I am about changing my ways: how about I get Jemma to sleep in my room and I take the fucking couch, since she’s saving appearances, and if you get Hazel to sleep with Brie, you have the room to yourself the whole night. Just promise me that you’ll be safe. Actually, promise me that you’ll be safe with Xander too. I know he’s not an idiot but when it comes to you, he just...’
I tell him that I really appreciate his offer and his concern but that first of all, I am on the pill and secondly, I don’t think I am ready for intercourse yet...
‘Really?’
I nod.
‘I admit that if Xander pushed me only a little bit, I would totally let him. But he wants me to be sure that I am ready and for now the stuff we’ve been doing has just been amazing, so I don’t mind waiting.’
‘So I take it Xander has been taking care of you?’
I probably should be embarrassed but talking to Joel is surprisingly easy so I tell him about Xander’s plan to give me orgasms and how successful he’s been at it.
‘See? That’s something I am very happy to hear. But it does make me think about how I’ve been behaving towards girls...’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Clary, I really have been just fucking around for the sake of it. To fill a void, to numb my heart and harden it. I have been controlling and selfish, making girls do whatever I feel like in the moment without any care for what they want or need. This is why Xander warned me that if I come near you before I understand the error of my ways, he will kill me...’
‘But Jemma said...’
‘Yes, Clary. The issue isn’t that I don’t know what I’m doing. The issue is that she will feel pleasure if I allow her to. With most girls, it’s only been about what I want. The reality is that I think Jemma is pretty but I couldn’t care less about her happiness. Sure, whenever I have pushed her too far and she’s refused to do something, I have immediately backed off. I’m an asshole but not a rapist. But there’s so many ways of making a girl feel like she has to do what you ask even if you know full well that she wouldn’t if you behaved like a gentleman or tell her that you won’t be mad if she isn’t into it...’
I know exactly what he’s talking about: Xander has always told me that I don’t have to do anything with him or to him unless I want to. I tell Joel about last night and he becomes serious, his eyes shiny again.
‘You swallowed?’
I blush.
‘Sorry, I guess this is too much information...’
‘A little. But I like that we can talk about this stuff, Clary... Do you want to know something? I don’t think that any girl has ever done that with me out of her own choice. Unless I told them to. Did you find it ok?’
‘I... I love Xander and I was curious about it, yes but apart from the fact that it didn’t gross me out because it’s something that comes from his body, after I saw how excited that made him, I know that I will do it again. I love to see that look on his face and to know that I made him feel good. Hopefully at least half as good as he makes me feel... I just wish I wasn’t so new at all of this, I get a bit wo
rried that he might start noticing...’
Joel takes my hand.
‘Xander knows that he’s your first on a lot of things, he loves you and you will learn. And you have me to ask questions to, if you want to surprise my best buddy with some good stuff. For example, next time you go down on him, use some mouth wash right before... he’ll love the tingling that gives...’
If someone had told me that I would have sat in the sun, in a bikini, talking to Joel about blowjobs for half an hour, I would have never believed it.
‘Well, Clary, we better swim back, I think I need the cold water of the lake. I’m a guy after all and you are a very attractive girl and my imagination is starting to run wild... Let’s go before I forget about not crossing that line.’
11.
Permanent and temporary
***
Logan
Xander and I run our errands and then we head back to Camp in his jeep. We both got some surprises for our beautiful girlfriend and I can’t wait to have a date with her tonight.
I look at my friend while he drives quietly on the deserted road that from town soon dips into the woods.
‘You look happy today...’
I observe and he nods.
‘I am, Logan. I’ll miss Clary tonight but I need to find Austin and have a conversation with him about how he’s been acting around our girlfriend and then I need to Skype with my mom again and tell her all about last night and talk about an idea we got yesterday... Something about the future...’
I ask him about Austin and he tells me what he did to Clary yesterday and I get quite mad when I hear how he treated our sweet girl.
And then he tells me how they spent the night together and I don’t need to ask for the details: I know something happened between them.
‘Logan, after what happened to Leah, I would prefer it if one of us slept in the same room as Clary every night... We can alternate nights if you want and I can talk to Joel and me and you can swap rooms or make sure that Jemma sleeps with him so we can get Hazel to share with Brie. I just don’t want her to be alone and it’s better for her friends too if one of us is in their cabin. It’s a deterrent.’
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 30