Agony

by Yolanda Olson

Arsen jogged around the side of his car and caught up to me. I was enjoying the sunny day and it was kind of interesting to me, that Arsen coming back put me in a much better mood.

  We chatted on the way to the sub shop. Not a serious conversation, which made me feel better. I had enough shit to deal with when I went back to “real” life.

  “After you, shorty,” Arsen teased, opening the door for me.

  I stuck my tongue out at him as I entered the shop and waved at the college guys behind the counter. I was on friendly terms ever since I had moved out here, because for a while, all I could afford was this place.

  Arsen stood behind me in line and put his chin on top of my forehead. I shook my head slightly and he laughed.

  “Just trying to get comfortable while I look at my options,” he said.

  “By all means, take your time,” I replied.

  I reached into my back pocket for my wallet. I checked the other pocket when I couldn’t find, it then my side pockets.

  “Ah shit. I forgot my money at home,” I grumbled.

  Arsen pulled his chin off of my head and stood in front of me, blocking my view of the menu board.

  “What are you doing?” I asked giving him a shove.

  “You didn’t bring your money, so I guess you’re not eating,” he said, glancing down at me with a serious face.

  “Wow,” I replied in disbelief.

  Almost immediately his lips began to twitch and he burst out laughing.

  “I’m kidding, Neve! I wouldn’t do that to you. Just let them know what you want; I’ve got this,” he said, taking his wallet out of his back pocket.

  I shoved him playfully aside and stepped up to the counter.

  “I’ll take the usual, Matt,” I said to the red haired, freckled face young man.

  “I figured as much. What about your boyfriend?” Matt asked.

  A look of confusion crossed my face. I didn’t have a boyfriend and the only other person in here with me was ... Arsen.

  “He’s not—”

  “I’ll have a twelve inch tuna on whole wheat,” he said, interrupting me with a grin.

  “On it guys,” Matt said with a big smile.

  I looked up at Arsen who was still grinning. He draped his arm across my shoulders and pulled me to his side.

  “So, still wanna go to Vegas, Babe?” he asked loudly.

  “Stop that!” I hissed.

  Matt started to laugh and Arsen leaned down and planted a kiss on the side of my head. My body stiffened. I wasn’t expecting that but at least it wasn’t on the lips; I might have punched him out of sheer reflex.

  “Here you go guys,” he said at the other end of the counter.

  I slid away from Arsen’s arm and went down to the register. Arsen handed me two drink cups and I went over to the soda machine. I filled mine with a Cherry Coke. I glanced over at him and waved his cup.

  “Um, Mountain Dew is fine,” he said, grabbing the bag of subs and saying good-bye to Matt.

  I slammed his cup down and filled it partially with ice, before moving over to the soda button.

  “That was angry,” he remarked.

  “You’re not my boyfriend. I barely know you!”

  He just shook his head and laughed again. After I secured the plastic lid on his cup, he took it and walked out of the shop. I followed him back to the car and waited while he opened my door.

  I sat down and placed my cup in the cup holder before I pulled on my seatbelt and looked out the window. The street was crowded with people. Parents with their children, business people having business meetings, and college kids going by on skateboards.

  “Neve, it was a joke,” Arsen said as he put the key into the ignition.

  I didn’t respond. Honestly, I didn’t know why it had gotten under my skin the way it did. From what I could gather so far, he was just a friendly guy that loved to laugh. What was so wrong about that?

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  Arsen sighed and drove us to the Devil’s Den lots an hour away. By the time we got there I was so hungry I could’ve eaten my own hand.

  Once the guard flagged us in, he drove to a parking lot designated for the Den employees and parked. I grabbed my cup and got out of the car. I smiled when I saw him tripping over himself to get to me in time to open my door.

  I stuck my tongue out at him and he grinned. He held out an arm and I looped mine in his as we started to walk toward the different city sets. When we walked passed the house in San Francisco, I cringed. Someone in there was getting railed and she wasn’t shy about it.

  “I thought you were sick?” a voice suddenly said.

  We turned around and saw a beautiful raven haired, thin girl with big blue eyes and, as per usual with these female actresses, huge fake boobs and tiny waist.

  “I am,” Arsen said faking a cough.

  “Max had to scramble to replace you, you know,” she said accusingly, crossing her arms over her chest.

  I wonder how she can do that without popping them.

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t feel like it today,” he replied edgily.

  Her eyes wandered over to me. She raised an eyebrow at Arsen.

  “Trista, this Neve. Neve, this is Trista. She works for Max as one of his film stars,” Arsen said, introducing us.

  I gave her a tight smile which she returned. Arsen and I started to walk away, when Trista grabbed his arm.

  “Just because you have a girlfriend now, doesn’t mean you can just bail on the scenes we need you for,” she said quietly.

  Scenes?

  “I get that,” he replied through clenched teeth. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Scenes?” I asked.

  “Well yeah. He works here too you know,” she said.

  “Actually, now that we’re on that subject, I never asked you what it is exactly that you do at Devil’s Den,” I said to Arsen, pulling away from his arm.

  “You’re kidding me. She doesn’t know?” Trista scoffed.

  Arsen shot her a dirty look.

  “Arsen?” I prompted.

  Something told me that I wasn’t going to like his answer. Something deep inside of me was begging me to stop asking. But I needed to know.

  “He’s one of the biggest stars here! He’s won awards for his work,” Trista said.

  “Awards for what?” I asked, my body beginning to tremble.

  “Can we talk about this later? Please?” Arsen asked.

  “Awards for what?” I asked again.

  “For his movie roles,” Trista said quietly.

  “You ... you’re a ... Oh my God. How could I have not figured that out?”

  I dropped my soda cup and it exploded on the lots gravel. I turned around and started to walk away from Arsen who swore at Trista. I could hear him running to catch up to me, but I refused to stop. I was so angry and so hurt, that I walked faster than I ever had before.

  I couldn’t believe that I was actually starting to possibly like a porn star. I had never liked anyone that quickly before. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Neve! Neve wait!” Arsen yelled as I pushed open the security gate.

  But I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want to stand there and listen to his reasons or his excuses or anything he had to stay.

  I want to go home. I need to go back to New York where nobody hides what they are. I want to see my friends and family. I’m sick and tired of being surrounded by people who fuck for a living.

  The angrier I became, the faster I walked. I could hear Arsen faintly behind me still calling my name, so I turned left on the first block that I could and ran faster.

  I didn’t know where I was and I didn’t know where I was going, but I just needed to get away.

  My phone rang as I ran down another block. I wouldn’t have answered it but I knew it was Addie just by the ringtone.

  I answered and sat down on the city street. I leaned against a dirty wall until I was able to calm myself enough to speak.

  “Neve,
Arsen sent me a text message. He said you ran off of the lot and he’s worried about you,” she said.

  A text message? How does even have her phone number?

  “Addie, he’s a porn actor. He fucks people for a living and he never told me!” I shouted into the phone.

  “But I don’t understand why that bothers you. You guys aren’t dating. Unless ... Neve, can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?”

  “I don’t know if I like him,” I said cutting her off, “I was going to try to figure that out. I’ve only known him for a day but he makes me laugh and when he’s around, I feel this weird happy vibe. But I can’t be serious about someone like him. What the hell does it matter anyway?” I shouted in frustration.

  “I’m coming out there. I’ll see what I can find flying out today and I’ll catch a red eye if I have to. Just go home and wait for me,” she said.

  I started to cry. Addie was the one person I could always count on. She told me that no matter how far away we were from each other she always a phone call or a plane ride away.

  “Go home, Neve. Okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise,” she said before she hung up.

  I put my phone back in my pocket and took a few shuddery breaths. I plucked myself off of the sidewalk and looked around. I had no idea where I was.

  My phone beeped a few times letting me know that I had a new text message.

  Maybe Addie forgot something, I thought as I brought the screen to life and clicked on the messaging icon.

  Please let me see you.

  It was Arsen.

  Fuck off. Or better yet fuck Trista.

  I turned my phone off before I put it away again and began to walk down the street. A few blocks away I saw a police officer, so I figured I would just get directions from him.

  The cop told me I’d be walking for a few hours if I didn’t have a car. He offered to call me a cab but that’s when I remembered that I didn’t have my wallet with me. I thanked him but declined.

  There was only one way I’d be able to get home and I really didn’t want to go that route, but I didn’t have a choice.

  I powered my phone back on and waited for a few seconds, while it fully loaded everything.

  I saw that I had three new text messages. I knew they were from Arsen without even having to look at them.

  I took a deep breath and opened my call log, pressing down on his name.

  “Neve? Where are you?” he asked frantically.

  “I need a ride home. I don’t have any money on me.”

  “Where are you? I’ll come get you,” he said.

  I looked up at the big awning I was standing underneath.

  “Nick’s Hardware Store. Kind of ironic,” I replied sarcastically.

  He let out a long sigh, “Just stay there. I’m on my way.”

  Five minutes later he pulled up to the curb and jumped out of his car. He came over to me and tried to hug me, but I brushed past him and got into the waiting vehicle.

  I glanced over in time to see his shoulders drop. I turned my face away and waited. Arsen finally got into the car and started it. Instead of putting it in gear, he ran his hands through his hair, turning to face me.

  “Neve, I was going to tell you. I really was. I ... just wasn’t sure how I felt about you yet,” he said quietly.

  “Are you going to take me home now?” I asked coldly.

  “As soon as you can honestly tell me that you don’t feel something is happening here,” he replied stubbornly.

  “There’s nothing happening Arsen. And there never will be, now please take me home.”

  He didn’t reply. He didn’t even react. He just put the car in gear and drove us the hour back to my place. I got out of the car without so much as a backwards glance and went into my apartment. I flopped down on my couch and waited there until I heard his car pull out of the driveway.

  Eventually I heard him drive away. That’s when I threw my phone on the charger and closed my eyes. Today went from being bad to good, then to great, to what the fuck.

  I glanced at the time on the clock. It was one of four pm. Hopefully Addie wouldn’t take too long.

  Five

  I woke up to the sound of someone knocking rather incessantly on the door. I pushed myself off the couch groggily and looked at the time.

  Who the hell is knocking at one in the damn morning?

  I walked over to the door and put the chain on before I opened it.

  “Oh my God,” I shouted.

  I closed the door, undid the chain, and yanked it open. Addie was standing on the other side with a big smile on her face and her bags by her feet. We immediately hugged each other tightly and I started to cry. Just hugging her made it feel like all of my problems were millions miles away.

  I loved Addie like a sister, even if she could be a pain in the ass. Even when she teased me for being a virgin and even when she tried to push me to go out with her to “get guys”, she was always there when I needed her. Not to mention we looked very much alike, the only major differences being that she was about a foot taller than me and had bright blue eyes.

  Addie was definitely my rock.

  “I am so tired,” she said when we pulled away. “I’ll need you to stop crying soon, because in New York it’s really four in the morning and I plan on sleeping for the next three or so days.”

  I laughed and wiped the tears away from my face. I stepped aside so she could come in. I went out and grabbed all of her bags and brought them into the house, before I locked the door again.

  I carried her stuff into the bedroom and walked back out into the living room. I sat on the couch across from her and tucked a leg under myself. Addie took a deep breath and reached into her purse, pulling out a couple of wrapped gifts.

  “I want you to wait to open these until I go into the bedroom. Neve, I know you well enough to know that you’re going to be angry when you see this,” she said holding up the small rectangle shaped package, “and probably embarrassed when you see this,” she said, putting down the rectangle on the table and holding up a cylindrical package. “But I think once you get over the anger you might be able to put these to good use. With that being said, I’m going to sleep. Bitch at me in the morning about it okay? Love ya!”

  Addie disappeared into the bedroom and locked the door. I went over to the couch she had been sitting on and I grabbed both of the packages. I didn’t know which feeling I wanted first; anger or embarrassment.

  I decided anger would be first. Only because with as easily as embarrassed as I could get, there was a good chance I could wash it away with the second package.

  I picked up the first package and started to pull the wrapping paper off. I rolled my eyes when I saw the back. Addie had purchased an adult movie for me. Maybe she figured it would be easier for me to accept Arsen’s line of “work” this way. I flipped the movie over to the front and looked at the actor and actress on the cover.

  “Oh Jesus Christ, Adesynne Lee!” I shouted.

  It wasn’t just any movie with just any actor on the cover. This was one of Arsen’s movies.

  I could hear the muffled sound of her laughter and I tossed the movie angrily onto the other couch.

  I heard Addie’s footsteps as she walked to the door and cracked it open.

  “Open the other one now, Neve,” she said mischievously.

  Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the second package and ripped the wrapping off. It was a vibrator; bright pink, had multiple speeds, and was water resistant according to the information on the box.

  “I figure if you open the movie and use that on yourself when you see Arsen doing his thing, maybe you won’t be so uptight about it,” she explained casually.

  I turned slowly to look at her. She was completely serious, I could tell by the look on her face.

  “Addie, I love you for coming out here. I really do. But if you came out here to make me watch a movie and vibrate on myself, then you should’ve stayed in New York. I’m no
t going to open either of these, so you can take them with you when you leave.”

  She just rolled her eyes and came over to sit next to me on the couch.

  “Not everything ends up the way you want it to in life, Neve. Wanna know why I really got these for you? To see how you would react. If you laughed and opened it, it was because you honestly didn’t care. But you got angry like I thought you would, because you do care. I’m not sure if you care about Arsen, but something about this new friendship with him, is making you care. You don’t have to watch it but I’m leaving it here. If you ever get to the point where you can watch it, then you’ll know how you feel about him by the reaction you have,” she said, putting an arm around me and giving me a squeeze.

  I sighed unhappily. It was true; everything she just said was true. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be angry. I wasn’t sure what had me so upset but I wanted to find out.

  “Good night, Addie,” I said softly.

  “Good night, kiddo. I’ll see you in the morning and so you know, I want to meet him before I leave,” she replied as she got off the couch and disappeared into the bedroom a second time.

  I lay down on the couch and pulled my blanket up to my neck. I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. I let out a heavy sigh and opened them again. I reached for my phone which was sitting next to the vibrator and powered it on. It was almost three in the morning, so he probably wouldn’t get my message until the morning, but I knew that Addie would hound me about meeting Arsen until it was time for her to leave.

  Me: Adesynne is in town. She wants to meet you before she leaves. If you’re not “working” tomorrow, let me know.

  As soon as I put the phone down and got comfortable, the screen illuminated the room. I raised an eyebrow and reached for it.

  Arsen: I don’t “work” tomorrow. I’d love to meet her.

  I bet, I thought rolling my eyes.

  Me: She can meet you at Berkley Park.

  Arsen: Aren’t you going to be there too? What time?

  That was a good question. I didn’t wake up Addie too early and I didn’t know how long she would sleep for. As for the first part of his question, I didn’t know how I felt about being around him knowing what he was now.

  Me: I’ll let you know in the morning. She just got here a couple of hours ago.