Hand of Thorns

by Ashley Beale

  I don't have much yet, but I'm getting there. It still doesn't feel right not having Sumner in my life every day, and although I know she's doing well thanks to Penelope and Rochelle, it's still not the same, so I'm making it my mission this week to make things better.

  Although things have been a bit of a mess lately, I can see them slowly being put back together. It has kept a smile on my face, even though I am at the point where I have to start adding an elastic to my pants since they don't buckle on their own. I don't have much of a stomach, but it's definitely noticeable now. I feel huge when I get dressed in the mornings then I look in the mirror and I actually fall in love with my protruding belly.

  I've been mentally preparing myself for today. I have done so much to focus on anything but the fact of seeing Leon today, for the first time in almost four weeks. I had a doctor appointment last week but it mainly was my counselor, because Ellie got stuck in New York City and Leon supposedly wasn't readily available for the appointment, so today I have a quick check up and they're attending with me.

  When I park outside the building, nearly ten minutes early, I stare at myself in the rearview. I tell myself that the makeup was because I was board this morning, and the fact my hair is curled is because I wanted to try something new. I swear to myself it has absolutely nothing to do with Leon. I have no reason to look good for him, but every day I have a reason to look good for myself.

  I almost believe it.

  As I climb out of the car, the loud rev of an engine catches my attention, I see his Supra glide through the parking lot, turning with ease into a vacant spot. Quickly I turn and head towards the building, ignoring the chills I have racing down my spine or the shaking feeling of my hands.

  Marney is waiting for me along with Doctor Wallace, who examined me the previous week. "How are you feeling today" Doctor Wallace asks.

  "Really well. I listened to your advice on infusing my water with fruit every day, and it's already made me feel more awake and refreshed."

  "You certainly look it. You look radiant."

  "Oh, you do!" Ellie's voice radiates throughout the room with excitement. She walks in, placing her purse down on a chair before making her way towards the doctor and I. "Seriously, you look absolutely flawless. Sorry I missed last week. I got the updates though, I'm glad it all seems to be doing well."

  Trying to ignore the sudden unbalance in the room, due to someone's annoying beguile manner, I look Ellie straight in the face. Although, it's harder than I imagined it would be, because while staring at her bright blue eyes, I imagine what she must've been doing while her boyfriend was pleasuring me. "It's no problem at all. I hope you had fun in New York."

  "So much," she gushes. "I mean, I was insanely busy, there was so much to be had. I still managed to find time for fun though. Did you do anything special over the last few weeks? I feel like I'm missing out on everything!"

  My eyes quickly advert to Leon's and back, wondering what he told her- or didn't tell her. By the way she's acting, I'm assuming she knows nothing, and thank God for that. He obviously regretted it, so maybe it's better things go left unsaid, completely forgotten all around.

  "I moved into my own apartment, which I told the agency about last week. They can update you on the new address. Besides that, I'm preparing for a new school year."

  "Oh, right. You're still going to school?" She asks, cocking her head. "And where did you move to? Please tell me not the projects."

  Leon actually interjects for the first time during a discussion, and I'm thankful for it, because sometimes Ellie truly doesn't think before she speaks- either that, or she enjoys hurting others with her words. Deep down I know I deserve to be mistreated by her for what I have done, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. The fact she thinks I belong in the projects makes me want to punch her in the throat. "Eleanor," his voice cold. "That was a little uncalled for, don't you think?"

  "What?" She turns to face him. Marney eyes them both, noting something on the clipboard she always has with her. "I was simply stating that I'd prefer her not to be in the projects. If she can't afford something better, I'd gladly compensate the cost. I don't need my child around that kind of stuff."

  "Your child is in her stomach, and I'm sure she is fully capable of caring for the baby’s health, regardless to where she lives."

  "Oh come on, you don't believe that, do you? And what do you mean my child? It is yours as well!"

  They start to have a full blown argument in the doctor’s office, while Marney, Doctor Wallace, and I all look on. It's entertaining and awkward rolled into one. It kind of embarrasses me too, that she would assume so little about me and my capability of growing her fetus.

  "I didn't say the baby wasn't mine," he sighs. "I'm saying that wherever she has decided to move I'm sure is perfectly acceptable."

  Ellie places her hand snug on her hip. "So you're saying that you don't want to help her out?"

  He jaw ticks as his eyes move to me. He stares at me for at least a full thirty seconds, which feels like forever. I stare back at him, bewildered by the entire catastrophe. "Monica," he says my name much differently than the last time we were together. It isn't romantic, it definitely isn't seductive, and there is no demand in his voice. He says it like I'm a random thrown person in a sea of people. I hate it. I kind of hate him. "Are you safe where you are?"

  I nod my head while everyone turns to look at me.

  "Are you happy where you are?"

  I shrug slightly. "Sure."

  "Are you in any grave of danger, or is our baby?"

  "No. Not at all."

  "Good. Thank you." He cocks his head to Ellie. "See. She's fine. They're fine."

  Turning on her heels, she takes a deep sigh. Not apologizing, and not making any more note of what just happened. "Is there an ultrasound today?"

  Doctor Wallace clears his throat. "Uh, nope. Was going to listen to the heartbeat, and talk about the next appointment in three weeks. This is a pretty basic exam, since last week she had all her screenings, which you can see the results to right here." He passes Ellie a slip of paper, which discusses my blood work, STD screening, drug test results, and everything else they did last time. Which has to be done every single time due to the paperwork signed.

  "Perfect, thanks. I need to go cool off. Leon will stay for the heartbeat, and I'll see you all in three weeks." She turns again, snatching her purse from the chair and storming out of the room, leaving us all in her dust.

  I give a quick glance to Leon before turning to Marney, who starts to explain something to Doctor Wallace. He was staring at me, but I don't understand why. Maybe because he's trying to determine a reasoning by the mistake he made with me, and if it was worth it. Probably thinking I am in the projects- which I'm not. In fact, I'm not far from my parents’ home, which I always thought was a great neighborhood.

  "Lay back and we'll find that heartbeat for you," the Doctor asks.

  I do as he says, lifting my shirt to show off my small, round belly. He presses the doppler to my stomach and seconds later you can hear the thumping of the tiny muscle inside the growing fetus within me. "One fifty three. Sounds perfect. Nice and healthy." He turns the machine off while passing me a few tissues to clean up. He helps me sit, and fills out a few things on his paperwork, then hands it over to Marney. "As long as you don't have any questions, I think we're good here."

  "I'm all set, thanks."

  "Same," Leon says from his corner of the room.

  Doctor Wallace says his goodbyes before exiting the room. Marney looks everything over. "Monday, September fourteen for your thirteen week checkup. That one will be pretty basic as well, then we'll set up in four weeks from that for the gender reveal. You and Ellie do want to know the sex, correct?"

  Leon nods. "I believe she does. She wants to paint the nursery and get it set up."

  "And remember, Leon, this pregnancy is tough on both females. Monica here has the hormones, the confusion, the swelling, the aches, the... every
thing. Make sure you treat her well and keep her stress levels minimum when you are around her. As for Ellie, she is dealing with excitement, the nervousness, the fear. Basically everything you're feeling, but times it by thirteen. It's hard on everyone involved, but you're the man, and I know you got this."

  "Yes, ma'am," he replies sharply. "I understand completely. I'll do my best to talk it out with Ellie."

  "Not trying to lecture you," she continues. "Just a little word of wisdom to you."

  He grins at her in his beautifully perfected way. "Understand. I'll do better. You got my promise."

  "Perfect." She taps my leg, facing me. "Hope all goes well with school. If you need any help, or need to take a break, let me know."

  "Will do, thank you, Marney."

  She leaves the room and all that is left is Leon and me. I hop down from the exam table, hoping he leaves before I'm done putting my shoes back on. Except, he doesn't leave. In fact... he closes the door.

  I look up while lacing my sneaker. "What are you doing?"

  He closes in on the distance between us, towering over me. I sit up straight, looking into his sparkling silver eyes. He still doesn't say anything.

  Maybe he is delusional, I tell myself. Maybe a bit of a sociopath. I'm not sure. Or maybe, he too, is confused. Horribly, emotionally, wholeheartedly confused.

  "You didn't show up," I tell him. He already knows this- and he knows exactly what I'm talking about. So I don't bother giving any more of an explanation.

  He runs his hand through his dishelved hair, tilting his head to the side ever so much while looking at me with an intensity I'm starting to grow custom to. "I don't know what to say to you."

  "Then why are you in here? Why did you close the door, Leon?" I try my absolute best to be strong willed. It's not that I'm a pushover or anything, but I don't have the inner strength I need for someone like him. I try though, that is the least I can do. I think.

  "It's taking everything in me to be standing here with you."

  "Wow." The sarcasm rolls off my tongue. I went from feeling pissed off and confused... to feeling like a pile of cow dung.

  He pushes a stand of hair from my face but I flinch away from his hand, not wanting him to touch me. Not after that kind of statement. "I didn't mean it as I don't want to be around you. I can't be around you."

  I roll my eyes, ready to leave, but unable to due to how close in proximity he is. "Can you move? I have somewhere to be."

  "That Dustin guy?"

  "You have absolutely no right to ask me that."

  "Actually, I do. You are required by law to inform the agency, which includes me, of whom you are sleeping with."

  I start to stand, hoping that my body will cause him to back up, but it doesn't. Now my tiny bulging belly pushes against Leon's hard abs. Thankfully there is fabric between us, because I can already sense my body wanting him to touch me how he had before.

  Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply and exhale as much stress as I can. "Should I mention you finger fucking me recently then?" I almost don't dare to open my eyes, but I do- and maybe it was a mistake. I expected Leon to be angry, to scream at me, to call me names. Something... anything. Nothing of expectancy comes from him though. Instead he places his hand at the nape of my neck, pulling my face towards him. My mouth instantly parts for him, and before I know what is happening, my body is being lifted for my legs to wrap around his torso.

  Leon kisses me deeply, with a passion even more intense than the last time. He starts to lower his lips, placing needy, wet kisses against my chin and down my throat, while I expose it to him. My chest pushes into his as he continues to taste my skin.

  He brushes his lips against the lobe of my ear, and it takes my breath away. I'm not sure what it is about Leon, maybe it's a bit of everything, but he's consumed me entirely. Everything I felt moments ago- the anger, betrayal, hurt, and the long list of added emotions- they're gone. They've been replaced with nothing except need. Need for Leon, need for his body against mine, need for him to make me feel satisfied.

  "I thought you enjoyed me finger fucking you?" he whispers in my ear before kissing it once more. "And your pussy was so... damn... tight."

  Everything between my legs clench and I have to mask the moan that wants to escape. This definitely isn't the place for that.

  He chuckles amusingly against my skin, warming me even more. "I didn't come back Monica, because I wanted more of you. I need more of you. I want to be inside you so fucking bad."

  My fingers dig into his skin while I try to hold on desperately to something, because right now, I actually feel faint. What has happened? What is happening? I'm growing confused again. I'm growing weak.

  I don't want to question it. I just want it to happen. Why do I feel so wrong when it feels so right?

  Leon's fingers grip tighter into my thighs while he holds me against him. He rests his forehead on my shoulder and I can feel his panting breath. "I'm sorry, Monica. I can't do this."

  He lowers me cautiously but quickly turns himself for the door.

  "Don't be a coward," I whisper loudly. Instantly angry once more. He can't keep playing with my emotions this way.

  His body swivels towards me, and the look on his face makes me beyond nervous. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

  "Don't be a coward, Leon. Stop these damn games. Either be with me or don't, but do not touch me the way you do and tell me those things, then walk away without even conversating with me. I need an explanation to your madness."

  "I'm with someone, I can't be doing this with you."

  "You're already doing this with me! And it fucking sucks! How you made me feel a few weeks ago was the best thing that has ever happened to me." I step closer, trying desperately not to cry, hoping he doesn't run off before this ends. "And now... now you're playing head games. I'm falling for you, and you're teasing me. This isn't fair." I sound like a toddler whining to their parents about not wanting to take a nap. I know I sound absolutely absurd, but it's how I feel, and it needs to be said before I explode from his hot and cold temperatures.

  "I'm not the kind of guy you should be falling for. You're too good of a person."

  "Oh, please. I wanted to rip your clothes off the last time we were together despite the consequences. That doesn't make me a good person."

  He rakes my body over, his eyes piercing into my soul. "Being sexually attractive to someone doesn't make you a bad person."

  This time it's my turn to clench my fists, ready to start pounding them into his chest. I want to beat the stubbornness right out of him, I want him to explain this mess. I need to know if he is simply sexually attracted to me, put by his words, or if it's something more.

  "So is that what this is? A sexual attraction? Nothing more, nothing less?"

  "I can't do this with you, Monica. I can't. Just... just stop. You're going to end up hurt."

  He reaches for the door knob and I almost yell in panic, scared he's going to leave me. "I am hurt. I already am hurting."

  Leon pauses. I watch as his shoulders lift then drop in defeat. He glances over at me once more, and I can see the debate he is having, whether or not to open the door. Whether he should stay around to talk this over with me. "You're beautiful. You have a rare type of beauty, because you can look radiant without all your makeup done. You're kind, you're passionate, and you have positively the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen. I was sexually attracted to you the instant I met you, but I also knew there was more to you. Which is why I can't be with you, because I'm a fucked up person. I like control, and I'm an asshole when I don't get my way, and..."

  "And you're about to have a kid with someone else?"

  He glances down at my stomach, staring at it for several seconds before nodding his head. "Yeah, that."

  "Do you love her?" I dare myself to ask, regretting it the moment the words leave my mouth.

  I know he thinks on it for a moment, then he slowly nods. "Of course I do."

  "Oh." I rea
ch down to grab my purse, placing the strap over my shoulder. "I'm sorry I got in the middle of it. I'll keep to myself from now on."

  As I start to head towards the door, he puts his hand on it, as to stop me from leaving the room. "You see..." he starts to say. My head is spinning. Does he want me or not? I want to scream! "I love Ellie, yes. I agreed to father her child because we've known each other for years, because she wanted it and I love her enough to give her what she wants. Am I in love with her?" Leon shakes his head slowly. "I don't fucking know. I haven't fucking known."

  "Well, that does make you an asshole. I guess you were right about one thing."

  It surprises me to see Leon actually lift his lips into a smirk, apparently my statement charmed him more than it did me. "I told you I am."

  "You've told me a lot of things- and they're all equally confusing. I can't do this. I'm not emotionally prepared to be thrown around like this. I never meant to be attracted to you, and I certainly never meant to kiss you, and although I don't regret it, not like I should anyhow, I'm done with these charades. So... please let me go."

  He drops his hand from the door. I smile with gratitude and reach for the knob. Something imbedded deep within me begs for Leon to stop me, to push me against the wall and show me the same demanding passion we've shared twice now, but it doesn't happen. Which I tell myself I'm perfectly okay with.

  He does, however, follow me down the hall. Keeping a close distance but not saying a word. Suddenly it feels deafening silent around me, and I'm hyperaware of all my surroundings. I feel claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in on me, and everyone is staring but refusing to help. It's getting harder to breathe.

  While everything around me blurs, I desperately seek to breathe. I need air, and I need it now. Except I can't get enough, and quickly everything around me is turning from white... to black.

  "She's starting to stir." Those are the first words I hear echo in the distance as I wake from... well... I'm not sure what. Did I faint? Fall? I don't know what happened.