Peter’s only response was a nod before he turned, and told Gray to assist me and ordered the gate to be opened.
I couldn’t help myself as I glared up to wherever that man was, knowing in my dreams I would hunt him down and maul him, barely keeping him alive so that a sepsis could slowly and painfully kill him. Gray did as he was told, carrying most of Dan’s weight as we slowly walked through the corridors and the extra adrenaline faded with every step I took. I realized that I had recklessly ignored Dr. Doe’s warning. I could have easily harmed my baby because I had been so very furious about Dan’s state.
I need to be more in control of myself. I can’t allow this to happen again. It will never happen again. I always instinctively put my unborn child first. Why not this time?
It’s not important. What counts is that Daniel is now fast asleep in a decent bed and close to me. It’s one of the metal frame beds I used to sleep in when I was a captive here. But it is a bed, with a mattress, a pillow, a blanket, and clean sheets. Even Dr. Doe stopped by, dropping off stuff like bandages, germicide, and some ointments. He also put him on an IV which Daniel endured silently because I was there.
I keep standing in the doorway and watching him sleep. The last time I did that, I didn’t worry about him. The last time I cursed him for being the one alive instead of Jay. And now it feels like that has returned to bite me in the ass. I’m worried sick. He’s a beast, for Christ sake, why does he need so much time to heal? Why am I even asking myself this question? I’ve answered it already. It’s the blood loss. And he can’t get a blood transfusion because there is no right blood for him. And I can’t give him mine, even if we had the same blood type.
Who the hell did that to him? Who am I supposed to find and kill slowly? Bleeding him dry just as he did Dan, and keeping him alive long enough so that Daniel can end him.
I want to crawl into bed next to him, nestle up to him, hold him tight and tell him that I’m here and everything is going to be okay. I want to tell him that he has to make sure to get better or I am going to kick his ass.
Day 391
I was woken up by the TV just like the last four mornings. It has this neat function, in that it imitates the sunrise and birds singing, with the only difference today being that it was shining straight into my face since my bed was in a new spot. It’s the best way to wake up, and I was quite relaxed until I remembered yesterday.
I stood in the open doorframe within the blink of an eye to find Daniel still sleeping tightly. Since I didn’t want to risk waking him or make myself worry more when he didn’t wake although I approached him, I stayed where I was and just watched him, until my feet turned cold.
I need that carpet.
His skin has lost that terrifying ash-color, but it’s not rosy either, it’s somewhere in between. For now, that has to be enough. His heartbeat is stronger and a bit slower than yesterday which is a good sign, too, and his breathing is deeper. All good signs. But I will be satisfied when he opens his eyes to smirk at me and say something that will make me want to slap him. Because then he’s going to be okay for sure.
“Don’t scare me like that again,” I told him quietly. “Don’t you ever scare me like that, again.”
I just know that once Danny is born and I will have to put him to sleep in that nursery, I will stand there just like this and watch him breathe, listen to his heartbeat and I will be scared to death that either rhythm will change. I will be the most terrified mother on the whole damn planet.
Having a shower had never been a more difficult thing to do. I love this one with the soft rain drops that make you believe that you’re on vacation on a Caribbean island. But I don’t want to leave Daniel’s side.
Then again, I wanted to be as clean as possible before changing the bandages. What worries me is that he still needs those, which means that they had him lying there, untreated, allowing the wounds to fester.
This is so different compared to the last time I nursed Daniel back to health. God, how I despised him. I hated it so much that I was close to just letting him die. And now, now I can’t bear the thought of losing him. No matter what I feel for Jay.
I never thought I could love two people as much as I do them. I could never choose between them. The thought alone of having to choose… But why do I have to choose?
I did the unimaginable and asked Gray to watch over Dan when he came to take me to my appointment. After all, I can get there on my own. I know the way and the bracelet opens the doors I need to pass through. And he said yes.
After what happened yesterday in Dan’s cell, I didn’t expect that. But who knows what exact order Peter gave him that Gray has the freedom to do me a favor like this. Maybe he asked him to assist me in any way.
Dr. Doe says everything looks fine, and that includes little Danny’s genetic code as well as mine. I asked him to explain to me why he came to that conclusion and he told me that he compared my DNA and Jay’s, whom he called Lieutenant Flynn, and that the combination of both was as it should be. But he wasn’t allowed to show me the data. However, he promised me to ask Rook for permission. There is no reason I shouldn’t be allowed to look at Jay’s, Danny’s, or my genetic code. It’s not like I am going to steal it, am I?
What I appreciated was that Dr. Doe asked about Dan and how he was progressing. You know that this doesn’t mean, that I am trusting him. I know better than that, but it was nice of him and felt genuine, given the circumstances. So, I told him about my worries, given Daniel’s blood loss and he gave me another IV that should help his body with creating blood faster.
Of course, I browsed the internet first, checking for what was standing on that IV. There was no tampering to be seen on the container itself and the pictures I found looked identical. So, it was safe to give it to him.
Gray left without a comment after I returned and I didn’t see him until lunch. I asked him if he could watch over Daniel when I was going to the gym, which he only answered with a nod.
Maybe I am right about him having to assist me in any way, but I guess I should ask Peter first, to give the big boss the impression that I still need him for something.
Day 392
I still haven’t seen Jay, and it worries me. This morning was just like yesterday. Breakfast, Dr. Doe, Gray watching Daniel, Daniel slowly improving, and now I’m waiting for lunch, while I am sitting next to Daniel looking at a book without really reading it. I’m too restless to read, but I am also too restless to do Tai Chi or Yoga. It’s not calming me down.
It’s almost as if I can sense that something isn’t okay. But it’s not Daniel. The color has returned to his face and he is deeply slumbering. He is dreaming. I can see it by the movement of his eyes beneath his eyelids. And dreaming is a good sign. He is getting better. It gives me a sense of relief, although I know that soon, when he is back on his feet, Peter is going to take him away. After all, Daniel has a specific purpose here.
Maybe I can ask Peter to change that for me. I doubt it. And then again, Peter will never get the ridiculous idea that I might fall for him again, when I have one of my beasts staying with me. But then when films nowadays teach girls that with enough love every asshole turns into a prince and boys are taught that with enough persistence they get every girl, this isn’t impossible.
Peter just should visit me. That would be very helpful, but again he leaves me waiting. And I can’t shake off this feeling. Thinking of this it suddenly made sense that I was so restless and had nightmares the first nights here. I just thought it was my bed, but it could have been sensing Daniel’s hurting. What if what I sense now is Jay? Is there something wrong with Jay?
Why did Peter risk me losing it, seeing Daniel the way I did instead of allowing me to see Jay? What did he tell me? Jay wasn’t in the right state to see me. Because of how they tampered with his memories.
Maybe I’m driving myself insane over this. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive. Maybe being pregnant is now slowly getting to me. Maybe I was wrong, thinking Peter
would allow Danny to grow up with his father.
What if Jay’s memory is lost? Maybe he can’t remember anything anymore? Maybe the treatment and my attempt to break through it… no, I should stop right there. I don’t know anything regarding Jay. And that’s what I need to fix.
I send Gray to get Peter, or at least tell him that I want to speak with him. But Gray hasn’t returned and Peter hasn’t shown up either. All I can do right now is sit at Daniel’s side and draw comfort from the fact that he is not only getting better but right here with me.
I wish I could cuddle up to him and pretend we are back at our hideout. Before I learned that Jay was still alive and after I fell in love with Daniel. I would love to just live one more day like that, believing that this was over and that I would be able to move on one day. But I can’t.
Not only because Daniel’s bed is too small, but also because I cannot run and hide from this. I can’t just close my eyes and play pretend because, with every minute, every second that is passing things are getting worse. With every minute, every second, every heartbeat I’m getting closer to bringing a child into this world that is one of a kind. A child that is going to be born into confinement: I still struggle with this fact. But I had to choose health before freedom. Health, once ruined is lost; freedom can always be won, if you only fight hard enough. And without ever having known captivity, you don’t truly cherish freedom.
Daniel’s awake. As happy and relieved as I am about this, I wish he would just go on and rest, so that I have him for myself a little longer. He’s not back on his feet. He’s still confined to the bed, weak. So, terrifyingly weak that I can’t help but wonder if they did more than just let him bleed out and get a sepsis. Maybe they injected him with something that weakened him like that so that he couldn’t heal right. Maybe that’s why they allowed his wounds to fester so that I wouldn’t smell something was off? What if they simply used him as a guinea pig since he wasn’t cooperative? I must find out. And if I do…
Daniel told me to stop going crazy and think of the baby. He’s sleeping now, but there is a tiny smile hiding in the corners of his mouth, and he’s not letting go of my hand. I’m worried that if I pull it away, he’s going to wake up again and… it just melts my heart.
He’s not mad at me for being here.
“Hey kitten,” that’s what he said, barely being able to keep his eyes open, but smiling, tiredly, beat, but smiling.
I have forgotten what his smile does to me, what the sound of his voice, calling me kitten, does to me. The way he looked broken, stopped me from jumping on top of him and planting kisses all over his face. I wanted to hug him so badly, but, hell, he looked fragile. Daniel. Fragile. It makes no sense, not in my head and not seeing it on paper and in my own handwriting. But I know he’s better. And there is no foul smell hiding something even worse.
Daniel told me who did this to him. I just can’t believe it, but Daniel would never lie to me. He would never do that, not even if it meant that I would be his. If he would lie then about what he just told me, to spare me the pain, but if Dan is something, then he’s brutally honest.
It was Jay.
Not my Jay. The one that Dan and I captured. But Dan isn’t even sure if that is correct either. But it wasn’t my Jay, the one that puts everyone else first, the idealist, the soldier who joined the army because he wanted to change things and avenge his siblings. Not the Jay that barely managed to live with the fact that he was made a beast. It was Jay’s body, his voice, his knowledge, but not him. And still, it was Jay, who did this. Jay, who went into that cage, used it against Daniel that he was chained to the wall and beat him, no, mauled him to shreds.
It’s a miracle that Dan isn’t covered with scars because there was barely any unharmed skin or flesh on his body. He spent the last few days healing. Dan couldn’t tell me when it happened because he lost consciousness.
“They tested something new on him,” Daniel told me, trying to calm and comfort me. “Torres told me when it was her turn to interrogate me on your whereabouts. It’s a new beast treatment. A few of them received it.”
“The ones troubled about their new life,” I guessed and Dan nodded once, telling me that I was right.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, shaking my head.
“But White is dead, Valerie too…” I tried to wrap my head around it. “They couldn’t have changed his recipe unless…”
“They didn’t need to,” Daniel finished my thought and I felt like Jack at the end of Titanic, freezing to death in ice water, no rescue in sight. “They took the DNA of…”
I didn’t cut him off. Daniel couldn’t bear to say aloud what I instinctively knew. I had two miscarriages, and both had been fathered by Jay, a beast. And I had one successful pregnancy Valerie had access to. They didn’t need a genius like Dr. Clay Severin to alter the virus because they already had one set of DNA that worked. Peter didn’t need my son. Peter already had, what he needed to progress his project. But what was even more terrifying was the possibility that he didn’t really need my son alive.
My mind was racing. My thoughts were colliding with each other, stumbling, crashing nothing made sense in my head anymore. It was pure chaos. That was why he was more interested in the anti-virus and Valerie’s research than getting his hands on my baby. That’s why he was fine with me demanding to give my son a normal childhood. Because Peter doesn’t need him.
I felt like my mind was quicksand, with every thought a grain of sand, and I was struggling to keep my head afloat, as hundreds and thousands of thoughts came to life and raced through my head like people panicking while set on fire. Each thought a possibility of what could be, of how this situation could continue and evolve, with no real clue which of them was reality.
The fact was, I was here, alive, secured pregnant as the result of science and nature, which had given Peter another opportunity to get what he wanted.
The fact was that he already had created another virus and injected Jay with it, which resulted in a change, maybe even of his personality.
The fact was, that Peter had admitted brainwashing Jay, had damaged Jay’s brain, which led to the possibility that the new beast virus would attempt to rebuild Jay’s brain with a result that no one could predict.
The fact was, for whatever reason Peter hadn’t injected Dan with this new virus, and even accepted the possibility of Jay killing him. But why would Peter allow Jay to kill Dan? What was the motivation behind this act?
That Dan didn’t accept Jay as his alpha? That he wasn’t cooperating? Or that he had laid hands on his mate? Or – and that was the most terrifying thought – because Jay simply could because he enjoyed it.
“Hey,” Dan said softly, somehow managing to get up onto his side so that he could cup the left side of my face.
It was my worry about him hurting himself that made me snap out of my never-ending vertigo of thoughts, and theories, threatening to swallow my mind.
“It’s okay, Meghan,” Daniel barely whispered, but the way he spoke to me, made me burst into tears, and bury my head against his chest.
He planted a kiss on top of my hair and somehow held me just right. I couldn’t stop sobbing, couldn’t stop crying, and desperately fought against hyperventilating. I pressed my nose against his t-shirt and inhaled as deep as I could, sucking in his scent like a drug I had been living without for too long. I was so close to his heart that in my desolate state it was drowning my ears and with my eyes closed his heartbeat was all there was left. All of a sudden there was nothing…. Nothing but me floating in a calm, dark ocean, and above me nothing but a starless night. I could hear the water around me and then something that was moving, floating like me. In the distance, I could hear Daniel’s voice whispering to me soothingly, almost as if he was talking to me while I was under water, and something was tugging at my mind, my empty, but still worrying mind. It wasn’t words, it wasn’t pictures either, it was all but feelings, and yet I could perfectly understand.
&nb
sp; Worried. Mommy’s worried. I’m worried, too. Is mommy going to be okay?
“Yes,” was what I said, and the empty, calm space was gone, all that remained were my tears, but I was smiling. “I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.”
Daniel is with me now, so I am going to be okay. We are going to figure something out. Your godfather and me.
Daniel looked at me as if he wasn’t so sure about my words or whether my brain was intact, especially because I was smiling and yet still crying.
“You are a strange woman,” he shook his head and fell back onto his bed. “That’s why I love you. You always make me shake my head in wonder about you.”
All I did was stroke my hands over my belly, trying to wrap my head around the fact that my unborn son had just talked to me. It is amazing, marvelous, but it makes me so sad that he already knows how it feels to be worried. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want him to be able to feel what I feel. How can he possibly understand?
What I just knew was that my baby’s pulse was twice as fast as Daniels, but in absolute sync with it. I can’t tell why that is or when it happened, or if it maybe had been like this the entire time, but it made sense. Listening to Dan’s heartbeat had always calmed me.
“I think little Danny likes your heartbeat, too,” I said and frowned about my conclusion.
“Say that again?” Dan’s tone almost made me laugh because I could almost read his thoughts there.
“My son’s heart beats along with yours, just twice as fast,” I told Dan, not sure if he would understand that my unborn son had just communicated with me, empathically.
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 4