“I thought it would be in sync with yours,” Daniel gave back, and I blinked.
He was right, it made complete sense that it would. I didn’t tell him that he was right, or that my heart really was beating in unison with his.
When Peter finally came to visit, I didn’t want to see him. Although Jay had been the one putting Dan in the state I found him in, I knew, in the end, it was Peter’s fault.
Thing was, I couldn’t exactly tell him. I couldn’t confront him either because I didn’t want him to know that Dan told me anything.
Of course, he probably watched us the entire time and already knew, but if he did he had to admit it to me first. Just like he knows that if he wants me to trust him, he is not going to read my diary. And if he does nonetheless, he cannot admit to me that he does, which means that he has to pretend as if he hasn’t read anything.
“How’s your patient?” Was the first thing he asked after I allowed him in; he had knocked and waited for me to invite him in.
“Fast asleep,” I answered, lying.
Dan’s eyes were closed, but I knew that he was just acting as if he was sleeping. His breathing and especially his pulse said otherwise. I knew that he wanted to jump out of this bed and end Peter. Nothing extreme, nothing gory, or bloody. He just wanted to kill him. Another evil creature removed from this planet. But it wasn’t that easy.
“But improving,” I added. “Thank you for allowing me to take care of him.”
“You didn’t leave me much of a choice, did you?” His response was surprisingly honest.
If he wanted to get on my good side, he had to give me something. Maybe that was the reason he didn’t want me to see Daniel either because he knew I would lose my shit.
“You are the boss after all,” was what I gave back and Peter fell silent, probably wondering how I knew.
“Jay told me,” I admitted to reading his thoughts, and that wasn’t a lie, but Peter still frowned.
“Jay is smarter than you think,” I continued. “He just listens to his heart too much.”
“I wouldn’t exactly put it that way,” Peter joined the conversation and I was relieved to have distracted him from wondering how Jay could have already known that he was Rook when Jay had been my prisoner.
I just looked at him, my expression asking him to explain, and he did: “It’s his conscience, not his heart. You can’t teach a heart, but you can teach conscience. It’s not that a heart can’t learn, but it won’t listen.”
He’s right.
Just like you can remove conscience, but you can’t remove a heart, not even a metaphorical one. But it’s both conscience and heart what a soul is made from, I think. And what is a person with half a soul?
More importantly, Peter basically just insinuated that he had managed to remove Jay’s conscience, and that worried me. Looking at what he had done to Daniel, I believed that to be true. Now, looking at Dan still recovering, it almost appeared to me that it had been a test. Leaving Jay alone in Dan’s cell had been a test.
You can’t be calm like an ocean when there’s a volcano underneath. And all I wanted to do that very second was kill him. Kill him for what he had allowed to happen, kill him for what he had done to Jay, to Daniel, and to me. But how would I be able to eventually leave this place, when the person making this possible was gone?
Who would replace Peter when he was dead? As long as I had no answer to that question, as long as I couldn’t befriend that person, I couldn’t kill Peter.
But the reason Peter stopped by wasn’t to check up on Daniel, or me and the life I carry beneath my heart. It was to tell me that he would honor our agreement and that I would meet Jay tomorrow. Of course, this also means I have to keep my end of the bargain and tell him where to find the deposit box of either the anti-virus or Valerie’s files. I told him that I would give him an address as soon as I saw Jay, and I chose those words with care: Because I really don’t want to talk to Jay. I just want to see him, and to watch him. I need to know if Jay is still himself or… or if he has become the Ten White wanted to create. The Ten Peter wanted.
I know I shouldn’t overthink seeing Jay. I should just wait and see because I can’t anticipate how this meeting is going to be. I can’t tell whether I only get to watch him, or if I will be able to talk to him, I can’t foresee how either scenario will happen. There are too many possibilities, too many things I don’t know about that will have an impact on that event. I know, I should just go on with my daily regime, continue to watch over Daniel, do my exercises, read something, go to the gym, keep myself busy, but in the end, I will do the unreasonable, stupid thing and will think about every possible scenario of tomorrow, because I can’t help myself, because I know, whatever will happen, it’s going to hurt me.
Day 393
I’ve started so many attempts to write in here that I lost count. Right from the moment I woke up, every time my mind started trying to put together what was most likely to happen when I saw Jay. Sometimes the anxiety just gets to you. In the end, I might be a beast, but I am a human, too. I never was born a beast. I was born human, and that is a part that cannot be destroyed. It is literally in my DNA. And becoming a beast, even on the most cellular basis, doesn’t change the life and experience you made being a human. And since beasts are nothing more than enhanced humans in my eyes – Peter might disagree – you can’t just remove emotion out of the equation.
Yes, you can calculate everything without emotion, and it might even be the best thing to do to get things done and be most efficient, but there will always be emotion. As long as something lives, it is going to feel. That is a law you can’t erase. I know that.
Without darkness, there cannot be light. Without light, there cannot be darkness. But the in between is what is most important. The balance of both. The balance between body and mind, instinct and reason, calculation, and emotion.
I guess that’s the reason sunrises and sunsets are the most beautiful thing to look at because they are both. Light and dark, night and day. The night is only beautiful with moon and stars, and terrifying when it’s without.
So, needless to say that I had no idea what I was going to see when I walked through that door Gray escorted me to, or whom I was going to meet. I was as nervous as I probably would have been on my first date if I’d had one. In a way, I was downright terrified, and I had worried myself sick falling asleep last night.
What was worse was that Daniel watched everything, but didn’t say a word. It’s killing me that he just accepts my feelings, accepts whatever choice I make. I wish he would tell me to… what exactly? He didn’t say anything last night or this morning, through breakfast or lunch. Nothing. He stayed calm and collected, and although I know that he wasn’t, nothing gave it away. I wish I could be as controlled as he is. Maybe I appear like that, too?
I hope I do.
The door Gray escorted me to lead to the outside, and that was one thing I hadn’t thought about, which is, of course, typical. It was around the time I would usually workout and so it seemed eerily fitting that this was the exact scenario I would witness.
I only noticed that Gray was still by my side when the door behind me was locked and I sensed him behind me. I had no idea if I was supposed to continue walking or if the spot I stood on was the one I was expected to stay on. That was when I saw a figure standing at the edge of the training field, which was surrounded by a high fence.
I knew it was Peter right away, and as if he had heard the door closing, which he probably can since he is some sort of beast, too, he turned around to us. What was off was the fact that Peter was leaning on a cane, and it was the very first time I saw him do that.
It was either a nod or a gesture on Peter’s part which made Gray tell me without words to move along, and I reluctantly walked towards Peter across a path that was framed with more of those wire fences. I could feel the electricity that was coursing through them on my skin and instinctively I placed my hands on my belly, only realizing it when
I saw Peter’s attention move towards them, briefly. Instead of moving my hands I glared at Peter when he decided to look at me again.
“There he is,” was all he said and turned around again, not pointing in the direction where Jay was overseeing the hand-to-hand combat exercise of soldiers in beast form.
Probably Peter didn’t point at him because he knew that I would instantly recognize the man whose unborn son was growing inside of me, or maybe he was afraid of Jay sensing that someone pointed at him. For whatever reason, it seemed to me that Peter wanted me to assume the first when it was actually the second.
I wish it would have been the other way around.
I didn’t need to follow Peter’s line of sight to see Jay, as he was the only one not taking part of the exercise. He stood there, hands by his sides, seemingly relaxed when I could see by his stance that he was ready to pounce at any moment. He had noticed Peter and he had noticed that someone new had arrived. Did he know it was me?
I wasn’t sure about the answer to that question, or maybe, I just didn’t want to know the answer.
Jay is a beast and a soldier. I know he is attentive. So, yes, he knew I was there; he just didn’t turn around and look at me. Maybe the reason for this was that he couldn’t remember who I was. Maybe he felt that it was expected of him to not let himself get distracted by anyone. Maybe he just didn’t want to.
This is giving me a headache.
They were just a few feet away from us, but enough so that it was clear to us that we were nothing more than visitors, only allowed to observe their exercise, which was odd to me, because wasn’t Peter the big boss? Or weren’t they aware of that?
Instinctively, I allowed my eyes to move away from the action and looked at Peter’s cane. If I hadn’t seen him walk around without it easily, by the way he leaned on it, it really looked as if he needed the support to stand. And I am a beast, and I knew he was acting, but he did it so well that, even to me, it appeared as if he was actually in pain.
That was the moment I realized how good of an actor Peter really is. And that knowledge is quite unsettling. Not really surprising to me, but still unsettling.
What annoyed me was that Peter and I just stood there and watched the beasts fight against each other, not even pulling punches or claws, and deliberately hurt each other, knowing that they would eventually heal. I could watch the scratches start to heal immediately, while other injuries were severe enough that the beast had to step down from the fight, which obviously was a contest.
For whatever reason, that realization made my fingers itch and turned me restless. I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to fight and prove to them that I was the best, the strongest, their true alpha. Instinctively, I straightened up, and my hands fell to my sides, my entire body was ready.
Maybe it was exactly that action which made the four remaining fighters stop and turn around with the others to look at me. Or maybe they followed Jay’s lead. It was almost more intriguing to me that Peter was surprised by all the beasts turning around than the realization that all the beasts sensed that I was thinking about challenging their alpha.
When Jay’s and my glares collided, I knew that he was ready to accept my challenge until he noticed something about me. I wish I would have been able to say what it was. If it was him recognizing me or realizing that I was pregnant. The fact was, he didn’t move towards us but stood there, his beasts following his lead.
“Do you want to tell them that I am their alpha now, or should I?” I asked Peter calmly and he flinched, hearing my words.
We hadn’t really talked this through. It had only been a brief topic when we had talked about Daniel and his fierce loyalty towards me. And now, I had taken this situation Peter had dropped on me and turned it around against him to use it for my advantage.
All of them had heard me and now it was out in the open to spread doubt and confusion in their minds. And Jay was angry. My Jay and anger. I can’t even remember it, at least not in his human state.
“Meghan,” Peter spoke lowly to me, which was rather ridiculous, because anyone could still hear him.
I didn’t move my attention from Jay’s face, because I needed to see his reaction, especially when Peter spoke my name. It was barely noticeable but hearing my name did something to him, but I couldn’t tell what it was.
Why was that?
“You told me that I would have to make myself useful to the board,” I answered Peter without looking at him. “And I am the most useful to you by doing what this virus turned me into. I am their natural leader.”
It wasn’t easy to move my glare away from Jay and towards the other beasts that were now gathering around him, driven by either curiosity or anxiety.
“This wasn’t what I meant,” Peter spoke less quietly.
“What then?” I turned towards him and cocked my brow, indirectly challenging him, too. “Do you intend to turn me into a breeding machine only? You know that is a waste of my potential.”
“Let’s not talk about this here,” Peter answered, slowly becoming angry at me and I couldn’t help but smile.
This was his own fault. He should have talked to me about what I was going to see, and not throw me into this. I knew that he wanted to show to me that Jay wasn’t my Jay anymore. But he could have done this differently, by just introducing him to me. But, obviously, he had been afraid that I still would have some impact on Jay.
“Why not?” I asked, seemingly innocent.
“If she wants to challenge the Lieutenant, let her,” one of the men said, and the rest of them shifted back.
I watched Peter as he looked at them, and deliberately ignored Jay. If I was right and the beasts didn’t know that Peter was in command, they would assume that Jay had the same rank as Peter, maybe a little less, not that Jay was in full control over himself.
“She’s pregnant,” Peter said calmly, “and a civilian. It wouldn’t be a fair fight.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
Hearing Jay’s voice sounding so dark as he spoke those words made me tense as if a life current had touched me. Was this still the man I met over a year ago? The man that had been overcome by the beast that had been brought to life inside of him? Guild-ridden and self-loathing?
But he was right, he is right, still. Life isn’t fair. Life doesn’t pull punches just because I want it to. Life doesn’t care. So, why should we?
Because we can. That’s why.
“It’s your child, remember?” I told Jay, and only turned around to look at him when I had finished speaking.
I hadn’t been sure if my voice would falter when I was looking at him, or when I saw his reaction. Jay was looking straight at me, but he wasn’t glaring anymore. That was the only difference. But I hadn’t spoken those words so only he would hear them. I wanted the others to hear them, too. Not because I thought it would give me an advantage, but to show them there was more going on at the fortress, the fortress, than they knew, and that there was more to their life than they had been told. Why had they never learned that there still was a life possible for them? Something else to fight for rather than to just to win.
“That’s enough, Meg,” Peter spoke sharply and I could see how everyone else tensed, their instinct to protect was kicking in.
Again, I cocked an eyebrow at Peter, knowing that he had seen it, too. I would have felt his anger even if I hadn’t watched it coming to life on his face, including in his eyes. If he hadn’t controlled his beast side and his emotions, he would have exposed himself as a liar; so instead, he leaned on his cane, heavily.
“Let’s go back,” Peter ordered rather than suggested and I couldn’t help but grin at him.
“They haven’t finished yet,” I protested, innocently.
“I brought you here to see this, not watch this,” Peter gave back, sounding slightly annoyed, but I knew that he was fuming on the inside.
“I thought you brought me here to meet Jay,” I said, tilting my head to the side, smiling, which didn�
��t match the poutiness of my tone.
Again, I was aware of everyone listening to us now.
“You saw him, you talked to him, now it’s time for your check-up,” Peter turned, pretending to need his cane on an expert level, and made a step.
“I saw him, but I didn’t talk to him, all I did was tell him the truth about my child,” I retorted, not moving an inch, and sensed the tension that emanated from Jay.
He had noticed the words I used. My child, not his. My child, which he had fathered, and nothing more.
After I allowed the words to sink into everyone’s mind I turned to face Jay straight-on, with nothing but the electric fence separating us, as he stepped towards me.
Jay used his entire height to try and give me the feeling of being inferior to him, but that didn’t impress me. All it did was to disappoint me, because that wasn’t my Jay.
I’ve been there before. I’ve stood before a man that looked like Jay, talked like Jay, moved like Jay, appeared to be Jay when he was not. I looked at the man they had named Ten, the man who was Lieutenant Jay Flynn, who was the current alpha of the beasts that rallied behind him, and all I saw was a night without stars.
I can’t help but wonder what happened to him. In that short amount of time that passed since I’ve last seen them. When he looked at me after that choice of words I knew that there was some sort of recognition, that kind he didn’t feel the need to react on. I honestly had believed that it would hurt him. Me telling him that he might have fathered this child but it wasn’t his. But, it didn’t. And in return, it hurt me.
For a brief second I lifted my hand and reached out toward the fence, when my instincts reminded me that it was electrocuted. So, I dropped my hand and instead got as close to it and Jay as I possibly could, without touching that wire fence.
“I guess my Jay died all those months ago, after all,” I said lowly, because a part of me only wanted him to hear my words, but of course with beasts around you will never know who eavesdrops on you.
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 5