Not caring about anyone else, I turned my back to him, showing him that his presence was not threatening to me, and started walking. I didn’t care that fake-limping Peter wouldn’t be able to keep up with me.
I didn’t stop and I didn’t turn around. I marched back all the way to my room, at a slow and human pace, because I needed it. I needed the time to think, to clear my head. I should have tried to sense if Jay had been filled up with drugs again for him to forget everything the board didn’t want him to remember. I should have used my mind and my rationality, and not let my emotions get the better of me. I know better, I’ve learned better than that.
I cannot bear the thought that Jay is lost to me.
When I opened the door with my bracelet, stepped through it and shut it, the first thing I noticed was Daniel standing right in front of me. Concern was written all over his face, but it wasn’t concern about me telling him that it would always be Jay, it was concern about whether I was okay or not. He looked at me and instantly knew that I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay. I don’t know if I will ever be okay.
“Kitten…” that was all he needed to say to make me fly into his arms and bury my face against his neck, locking out the entire world around us.
He instantly held me exactly as tight as he needed to so that I would feel safe, so that I would know that I didn’t have to be strong for him, to wear my poker face.
I guess that’s the difference. That’s what I was never able to put into words. What makes me need both and love both of my men. What makes it impossible to choose. I have never felt like anyone needed me. I never was inspired to be strong, to lead, to inspire. Until I met Jay. Until I met him again. He needed me. He needed me that much, as if I was the very air he needed to breathe to survive. That was what made me grow, made me strong, and find myself. Until I met Daniel, I never knew that I would be able to lose myself in someone, that I could let myself fall and be caught without ever having to doubt that I would land in strong, protective arms. I never knew that I would be loved no matter what, accepted no matter what.
How on earth am I expected to choose between them?
Day 394
I wasn’t in the mood to write anything else yesterday. Not after seeing Jay like that. Can I even say Jay to that thing? This indifferent, detached human/beast being?
I guess Peter got what he wanted. And, I must keep my end of the bargain. I got to see Jay after all and Daniel is with me, getting better every minute, with every breath taken, which means Peter can take him away from me, because he doesn’t need me to take care of him anymore. I just need Daniel to take care of me; if that counts.
I don’t want to write about my daily regime. There is nothing interesting or important about that. Little Danny is doing well and developing just fine and I am showing more on what feels to be a daily basis now. As if he must make up for the time he grew slowly.
And Daniel… Daniel is being all daddy now. Although he should rest he is keeping an eye on me like a hawk. That he doesn’t accompany me in the bathroom when I have to relieve myself is close to a miracle. He’s acting as if he is the father and not Jay. It’s the cutest thing ever. And I have no idea if he’s really acting like this because he feels the need to do so or if he is exaggerating just to make me giggle, and smile, and shake my head.
He’s the reason I don’t curl up and cry myself into a desolate dream. I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t around. To think, I wanted him to die just months ago.
However, I had to keep my end of the bargain, and so, when Peter came to visit me without his cane, I told him the location of one of the safety deposit boxes, just as I had promised. And I keep my promises.
It was such a hard decision which location to tell Peter. Valerie’s research was definitely more important, because the anti-virus she had developed and which I had in two syringes were on the estate when I left the compound. I knew that her research, her files, notes, and results would mean more to Peter than a syringe that would reengineer only the changes of some of his beasts.
I still can’t help but wonder what he would need the anti-virus for? Why not simply kill a derailed beast? Then again being able to use the experience of a soldier turned beast turned human again did have its benefits. At least to me, and probably to the old Jay.
The upside of today was that after I told Peter about one of the deposit boxes, I got my carpet and the paint for the nursery. But that also meant that Dan’s bed had to be removed from the room. And although that happened, no one came to take Daniel from me, which was a pleasant but confusing surprise.
The last time I was imprisoned here, Jay was supposed to live with me, and although I had hoped that I would be able to return to that agreement, I didn’t expect something like that to happen. Especially not with Daniel, since he had shown disloyalty to the project.
Isn’t Peter afraid that we might try to escape again? Or did he get to Daniel, too? And Dan is in fact a spy? Here, to keep an eye on me and give me the impression of false safety? Can’t I trust anyone here?
Daniel helped me paint the nursery.
Helped as in, not allowing me to even lift a finger.
At least I got a pleasant view while standing in the door frame, since Dan worked bare-chested. And watching him helped me to distract myself from this entire situation.
I didn’t think it would be that hard, being back here. Don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was getting myself into, but theory and practice aren’t two different subjects for nothing.
Day 395
Just as I didn’t expect Daniel to be staying with me now, I didn’t expect Gray to show up today out of schedule and guide me towards and through the corridors of that part of this compound I was absolutely familiar with.
I got to see Jay again. And this time we were alone. As alone, as you are going to get here. When I got there, Jay was already there, sitting at the table of what seemed to be an interrogation room, including a mirror, which is also a window. But I couldn’t hear anyone standing behind that. Maybe I was too distracted by the fact that Jay seemed like he didn’t want to be here. That was, until he realized who he was going to meet in this room.
I can’t tell whether it was his hearing or his sense of smell that recognized me, but when he looked up at me, his reaction was so different from what I had witnessed two days ago. He got onto his feet so fast that the chair he had sat on toppled over, but he didn’t move after standing up. He just stared at me, taking in everything that was me being petrified. Almost as if he was battling with himself to follow his first impulse or act the way it was expected of him. The latter is only a hopeful assumption. It was more plausible that he simply didn’t trust me.
I couldn’t blame him then. I can’t blame him now. In the end, the only person you can trust is yourself.
I don’t know for how long we stood there, simply staring at each other, not moving, barely breathing. I could hear my heartbeat in my head and his echoing through the small twelve-foot-square, dimly lit room.
All I wanted to do was run over to him, wrap my arms around his neck and feel his arms around me. I wanted to sink into him, suck in the scent that was undeniably his, and bath in the warmth his body was radiating. I could almost feel it on my skin from where I was standing.
But I didn’t move, didn’t jump into action, didn’t fly across the room and into his arms. Because, for once, I had no idea how he would react to it. The thing is, I knew that he was capable of hurting me, of acting violently towards me. And that realization hit me like a freight train unable to stop in time. I had scars to prove that. Scars Jay had given to me before I had become a beast, which would have made them disappear. He was able to hurt me even when he was in control.
And with that in mind I walked towards the chair on the other side of the table which was still standing, and calmly sat down, but not without keeping my eyes on Jay.
As he watched me approach my chair, he reached out to set up his again, and he sat down, never breaking eye
contact with me.
This situation was strange, awkward even, and tense. To me it felt as if I was meeting an ex-boyfriend after years of silence since he broke up with me via phone. The only difference was that I didn’t want to know why.
I knew the why. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t know why I was here, why he was here. But looking at him, I was reminded of what had brought us together. Jay needed me to save him, and I needed to be the one to be his savior. By the way he looked at me, so helpless and confused I couldn’t just close my eyes and ignore his silent plea. But then… I knew he needed to save himself.
I only needed to see that expression on his face to know that my Jay was still residing in this body. But I don’t know what happened to him that made him change so much, that had given him the ability to act as detached as he did when we met the day before yesterday.
Yes, I’m worried. I fear for him. I know how sensitive he is, and how much this is taking from him. I know what I can do to stop his suffering I’m just not sure if I can live with the consequences.
“Hi,” I opened the conversation, feeling awkward like a teen on her first date, fidgeting with her fingers.
It was the first time I broke eye contact with him.
“Hi,” was his response and nothing more.
I could see from my peripheral vision how his hands twitched as he prevented himself from reaching out to me. He wanted to hold my hands, to feel my skin beneath his fingertips, to have me close, to inhale my scent, just as much as I wanted him to do just that. Yet, something was holding him back and I could only make assumptions.
In the end, it’s unimportant. In the end, all I can think about is that he was willing to kill himself and all the other beasts to remove them from the planet’s surface, and I cherished life, no matter what.
So, we sat there, holding on to our own hands, and looked at each other, lost for words. And how I was searching for just one word to say that would make sense.
He was the reason I was in this situation. Turned into a beast, a human who could turn into a terrifying creature, pregnant, with parents who believed me to be dead, in the hands of a corporation that was not only powerful enough that the government would stay clear of it but also so relentless that it had no trouble with experimenting on human beings.
For Jay, there was nothing to say to make anything right. For Jay, all of this was his fault. It didn’t matter that this corporation existed before he was approached. It didn’t matter that they preyed on dying soldiers who were eager to serve their country. Not for what was lying in front of them, but for what they had left behind.
Maybe, for Jay, I was part of his idealistic dream, going to war for a little girl he used to watch when he was a child. Maybe I was the personification of innocence in need of protection. But I’m not. Not anymore. And he doesn’t realize that I should thank him for that.
All I saw, in that tiny room, when I looked at him was his suffering and his self-loathing. When we first met here, I thought it was my task, my duty, to save him from that, but it was never about saving him, it was always about absolution. All Jay had been looking for when he was in the army was absolution for the deaths of his siblings: As if it was his responsibility, when it wasn’t. He didn’t differentiate with me. My fate was his responsibility, too. But that isn’t true. Peter did this, not him.
“Talk to me, Jay,” I told him, reaching out to him, at least metaphorically. “What happened?”
“I am not at liberty to say,” was his response and I felt as if someone had poured an ice bucket over my head.
“Is there anything you can say to me without breaking one of Peter’s rules?” I asked him, doing my best to tone down the annoyance in my voice, but of course, I’m not great at hiding my emotions.
His reaction was a cocked brow, as if he didn’t know it was Peter who was pulling the strings, and right then I realized that this was the reason Peter was pretending to need a cane. They didn’t know Peter was Rook.
“You know the fairy tale ‘Peter and the wolf’?” I asked Jay, cautiously, and he shook his head. “Imagine Peter being the wolf?” I continued nonetheless. “Look it up.”
After I had said those words, a knock disturbed the silence between us. I already knew I had overstepped, but Jay’s expression made it obvious that he was oblivious to my words. Neither of us said anything, but the door was opened and Gray was ready to escort me back to my room.
Day 396
I was expecting Peter to show up eventually. After all, I didn’t give him the location of the deposit box that was securing Val’s research. All I gave him was the anti-virus, which doesn’t help him with his new beasts, only with the old ones, like him and me.
Yes, I gave him the ultimate weapon against me and Daniel, but I know if Peter really is like I think he is, he won’t use it against me. At least not, while I am pregnant. And he sure as hell doesn’t want to be on my bad side, where he would end up if he harmed Daniel.
Peter was pissed nonetheless, it was such a remarkable sight, it gave me such satisfaction. There are no words to describe it. He sort of stormed into my apartment just to be greeted by Daniel’s and my cocked brows. Of course, I knew exactly what he was displeased about but still, seeing me and Daniel like this startled him. And that can’t be anything else but a good sign, can it?
So, Peter stood there, staring at us, while the door behind him slowly fell into its place, while Daniel and I were working on the crib I had ordered a few days ago. It was surreal. As if Peter had stumbled into a reality he no longer belonged in. I loved the expression on his face. And I could imagine the picture in his mind, that made him feel as if he was disturbing the paradise of Daniel and me being the proud future parents of a normal baby in a normal world where Peter had no place.
Of course, all of us knew that this was nothing more than a fantasy, which would never become true.
“Yes, Peter?” I ended the silence and his attention, which had been jumping back and forth between Daniel and me, found its target on my face.
Of course, I expected him to be dumbfounded and speechless, which he wasn’t. Instead he told me: “With me, now,” and turned on his heels to walk right back out of my apartment.
I just gave Daniel a confused look and a shrugged my shoulders and followed Peter out, who was already marching off towards the door that led to the area where the beasts were held.
I had no idea where this would end up, but I wasn’t worried either. For some reason, because of the last days, I didn’t feel as if Peter could do anything to harm me. And apart from keeping Jay away from me, putting more and more duties on his shoulders, there really wasn’t anything left that he could do to me apart from taking advantage of my body. But, I knew, if he’d try he would be in for the surprise of a lifetime.
So, instead of being worried or scared, I was curious, following him devoid of fear or concern into the area which held the beasts, and Jay was one of them. Somehow it almost felt like coming home.
I don’t know if it was just the familiarity of this place, or the result of the last time I had been here. After all, I had made it pretty clear that I considered myself as the real alpha of the beasts, and that included all of them.
With that in mind I was wondering what Peter really was up to, taking me there once again. But I also could sense a form of anger inside of him that I hadn’t sensed before. It was more than just him being furious, it was a dark pit that lured me closer, attracted me like a moth to a flame. And that concerned me.
Running after him made me realize that this wasn’t the way I wanted things to happen. I wasn’t supposed to be the girl blindly following a guy around like a puppy, and, apart from that, I was frigging pregnant.
“Peter,” I stopped, almost hissing his name.
“What?” he asked, turning around, obviously annoyed.
“Can you slow it down a notch?” I gave back and gestured at my body. “Pregnant person here.”
Peter let out a long
breath and just stared at me as if I was taking advantage of him, which I did, but still…
“What’s going on?” I asked him.
“You gave me the anti-virus,” Peter said, not beating around the bush. “One syringe filled with the anti-virus. What am I supposed to do with it?”
Yes, Peter was beyond pissed, he was furious. Probably because he hadn’t thought of the possibility that I would give him nothing more than one possible injection of an anti-virus that wouldn’t heal any of his new beasts… or was I wrong about that?
“I kept my end of the bargain just like you did, Peter,” I responded, calmly.
Peter just stared at me for a moment and all emotion dropped from his face. It was impossible for me to read him and it was, admittedly, terrifying. What I got from him was what I remembered of his older half-brother: This insane righteousness, this narcissism that was beyond reproach and nothing less than insanity.
“Follow me,” Peter said, slowly, his voice cold as ice.
Those two words chased goosebumps down my spine.
He didn’t wait for my response. He just turned around expecting me to follow him without hesitation, without any remark, and I did. Not because I was drawn to him, not because I knew he was a threat I had to keep an eye on, but because I knew that if I didn’t obey him, I would regret it. If I didn’t obey him it wouldn’t be me suffering the consequences. I am in his territory, his kingdom, and right now he was commanding the unbeatable forces within this fortress.
He didn’t stop and he didn’t slow down, but I didn’t need a slower pace to know where we were heading. I knew this part of the compound far too well. Peter was guiding me back to where everything began, to the very first cell I ever stepped inside of. I just knew it I felt it, even before I saw it with my own eyes. I should have been alerted, but I wasn’t. I can’t really explain why.
Of course, I expected to see Jay all chained up to the wall again. I imagined him being lost in his beast being once again, knowing that it was my task to bring him back. I didn’t expect him to stand there, pacing up and down in his cell, waiting for us to arrive as if something important was going to happen.
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 6