Jay stopped his pacing as he sensed me entering the cell. The bars were removed and the place was an open space. There was nothing in this chamber apart from the furniture we had left behind all those months ago. When I entered, I could see Jay’s face light up. He was so different from yesterday as if he believed that he didn’t have to hide anymore behind that pale mask he had been wearing.
Still, I couldn’t shake off this feeling of doom when I saw him looking at me like that. I wanted to throw myself into his strong arms, kiss his lips, his face, and tell him that everything would be okay again. But I knew right then that it would be a blasphemous lie.
“Go to him,” Peter told me calmly as I stepped next to him, not daring to make just one step further. “Tell him what you want to tell him.” Something about the tone of Peter’s voice felt as if he really meant it.
There was this unique sound of defeat. But for all that it’s worth, I couldn’t believe him, couldn’t trust him. If there was anyone on this planet incorporating the meaning of deceit it was Peter Severin.
“Go!” He hissed at me and that one word struck me like a whip laced with acid.
So, I moved, slowly, hesitantly, knowing that if I did what he was telling me to, something bad would happen. I just couldn’t think what that might be. And then I saw this expression on Jay’s face, begging me to obey because all he could think of was having me in his arms again. Never in my life, was I this torn before. It felt as if I was about to kiss poisonous lips, which I couldn’t withstand. I was about to take a bite from the forbidden apple.
Still, I walked slowly towards Jay, looking at him, and saw this expectant expression on his face that I couldn’t resist. And for a moment there, I forget it all. Everything that had happened, all the pain, the suffering, the changes, the torture, the injuries, the blood, and the sweat. I was sucked into the gravity that was Jay, my Jay. I felt myself smile. As I smiled, so did he, and the night was blessed with stars again. A cool breeze rushed through the grass, the flowers, the trees, and conjured up the scent of nature and freedom. For a moment there, I was completely lost in the fantasy of Jay and me being nothing more than two human beings in love, drunk with happiness and oblivious to the evil that was lurking in the shadows around us.
I ended up standing right in front of him, drowning in his eyes, in his scent, and his warmth I had yearned for. By the way, he looked and smiled at me I knew he was just as lost in the moment as I was. And as I placed my hands on his chest, I could feel his hands on my hips, heat spreading through my body through his palms.
It was a moment of weakness, and weakness will always be punished. There is no excuse. This was entirely my doing. It’s not my fault. Not really. I wasn’t taken blindly here. I knew that there was a chance this would be happening. I took a chance, I gave you an opportunity, and it was your choice if you would go for it or not. You took it. You punished me, but in the end, you did what I believed was necessary.
You, Peter, took us by surprise. I didn’t expect that kind of beast that you are to be that fast. I expected you to be just as cruel as your brother, but not that fast.
I didn’t even get the chance to kiss him. I only got to see that startled and surprised look on Jay’s face as he felt a syringe jammed into his neck, perfectly inserted into his carotid artery. All I could do was watch how the liquid it contained was pushed into Jay’s body, while he and I both were petrified.
The world stood still. But only for a heartbeat.
It was that heartbeat which it took to spread the anti-virus through his system and it instantly began its work, deconstructing what the beast virus had changed.
Jay’s knees buckled beneath him and he almost pulled me to the ground with him if Peter hadn’t caught him mid-fall, just to pry Jay’s hands from me.
“John will show you the way to Jay’s hospital room after you’ve returned from your check-up,” Peter spoke to me while I was incapable of tearing my eyes from Jay, who was lying on the floor paralyzed.
I don’t know what was worse. Seeing Jay like that, not moving a bit, barely breathing, petrified and completely tense, or watching his body contort as a seizure struck him. It wasn’t anything anyone could have seen before. All I wanted to do was reach out for him, hold him, tell him that everything would be okay, when two firm but gentle hands grabbed my upper arms from behind and pulled me back, as I watched his beast break through, as if it had to take over his body to fight off the anti-virus.
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say, and Jay’s reaction to my words was more than just heartbreaking, it felt close to undoing me.
He knows.
I don’t know how long tears were falling onto my face, trailing down my cheeks, and dropping to the ground. I can’t really say for how long my mind stopped working. All I know is that I was halfway back to my room when I noticed my surroundings.
Gray was still there, still navigating me through the corridors, both of his hands on my upper arms, and yet holding me as I leaned into his arm that crossed my back.
I don’t think that I have ever felt this fragile and weak in my entire life: Until I took back control over my body. Still, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, couldn’t erase that image from my mind. Jay lying on the ground, seizure striking hard, him warping into a beast and back, somewhat stuck in between. His eyes on me.
This is my doing.
I gave Peter the anti-virus, the thing that was a threat to him and his project. I knew he wouldn’t be as stupid and just lock it away in a safe where anyone possibly could break in, take it, and used it against him.
I knew there was a chance that he would use it instead. I knew that there was a chance he would use it on Jay. If Peter had the slightest doubt about Jay’s loyalty, about his state of mind, about whether he would choose the mother of his child over his creator, he would use it against him.
Me, meeting Jay yesterday was a test. A test Jay failed.
Daniel taught me something very important, while I was mourning Jay’s death all those weeks ago. If you truly love someone, you will have to let them go if it means that they are going to be happy.
I’m letting Jay go.
Do you think that I hadn’t believed you would be capable of doing this, Peter?
Did you really think I would have given you the anti-virus if I wasn’t aware of what you might do with it?
Do you think you’ve hurt me?
Do you think you’ve shocked me?
Do you think I’m now scared of you? And know how terrifying you are and that I should crawl at your feet, my master? My creator?
My disgust for you knows no bounds.
When Jay sent me out first that day, to wait by the cars, when I turned around and watched him close the door on me, and sentenced himself and everyone else to death, I realized that his self-loathing was stronger than his love for me. I’ve fought against this truth for so many days. I had hoped that if I would deny the truth long enough, it would change. But that’s not how life works.
I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to understand him. But in the end, what I think or feel is not important. Jay hated himself so much that he was willing to die, that he was willing to abandon me. Yes, in his eyes he was saving me, sparing me a life he deemed too terrible to live.
So, eventually, I gave him what he yearned for, and you did the dirty deed for me. Jay might die, or he might live to be a human again. Either way, he will have what he wanted for himself, what he wanted for all the people he seemingly doomed to an unacceptable fate.
I might lose him. I might never kiss him again.
I’ve come to the realization that I have lost him weeks ago already. And this is just the aftermath.
You just took your beast the alpha you presented to them, only to get to me, Peter. To whom will they turn to now? Do you think that Torres will step up? Do you think the beasts will follow her when she wasn’t even around to be Jay’s second in command?
What will you do now?
Wil
l you take Daniel from me?
Will you lock me away until I give birth to my son and then take him away?
You just inserted your only chance of re-engineering the anti-virus into the only beast that I would have been afraid of killing.
You still need me, Peter. You will need Val’s research, or how are you going to explain to the board what just happened?
Day 397
I would be lying if I said that I’m not worried. Worried is actually an understatement. But there is nothing I can do right now. Nothing but pace up and down my room, while watching Daniel assemble the crib I picked out for Jay’s unborn son. It’s Jay’s child. As much as it is mine.
I shouldn’t have done this. I should have just given Peter Val’s drive with her research results and lived with that. But I really didn’t want Peter to have them, knowing what he can do with that. Giving him the anti-virus was the right choice. I knew that there was a possibility that he would inject either Jay or Daniel with it to get back to me. After all, he probably knows that there were two syringes, and if that’s the case he must have thought that I tried to trick him by giving him just one.
But there aren’t two syringes. I couldn’t give him both. All I can now do is hope that Jay survives the process. Because we don’t know if the anti-virus works. Anything is possible right now. The virus itself, Jay’s changed DNA, his body, could fight off the anti-virus. Or it could kill him. Either way, Peter wins. Because this will hurt me, one way or the other. But, Jay wins, too, no matter the outcome. He will be either dead, or stop being a beast.
I’m tired. I’m just so tired of all of this. I wish I could just sit on a couch and eat whatever I’d like to eat while watching some random TV show about … whatever. I never thought that I would wish for a boring, dull life. I just don’t wish myself back before all of this: Because I can’t imagine a life without Jay, or without Daniel and most certainly not without little Danny.
I don’t want to be living here for the rest of my days, safe but locked away like some rare animal. I want to be free, and I want all my kind to be free. Yes, my kind. I’m not a human anymore and I’m fine with it. I am something else. They all are something else, and they still deserve a life in freedom.
If you would have been honest, Peter, if you would have just asked, and given them a real chance. They might have surprised you, they might have agreed to all of this, they might have been willing to work for you, as your special beast task force, your special beast black ops, and none of this would have had to happen. I know, some of them would have said ‘no’ like Jay, but he would have stayed if you would have managed to save his life. He would have stayed and helped.
But the thing about the ‘what if’s’ is that there is one thing absolutely sure about them: they will never happen. And clinging to them is like chaining yourself to a rock when the tide is rising. You’re going to drown yourself in your regrets. Just like Jay did. He was drowning. He only saw one way out. I’ve given him another one and you were the tool for it to happen.
I don’t know if I expected Peter to show up, if anyone, then I would have expected to see Gray standing in front of me when I opened the door after hearing someone approach it. But it was Peter, and he asked: “Would you like to see him?”
I heard Daniel freeze in the nursery. He didn’t move or even breathe, and I’m not sure whether he didn’t want to influence my reaction, or because he could hear my heart stumble and gallop.
All I could do was nod, and I stepped through the door without looking back at Dan. I didn’t want him to see my expression, or silently ask me what this was about. After all, Daniel doesn’t know. I didn’t tell him, I couldn’t tell him. He would be concerned about Jay and me, and he’d be furious at Peter until I explained the truth. That it was my doing. I did this to Jay. Yes, it was what Jay would have wanted, at least the one that abandoned me: The Jay that hated himself for being a beast, for hurting me, for turning me into a beast, for his comrades being turned into beasts. I don’t know if the Jay I didn’t get to meet was okay with what he was. That realization hit me hard.
I should have talked to Daniel about this, talked to at least someone about this, but I didn’t. I did the same Jay did to me when we tried to escape. I thought I knew what was right for Jay. I made the choice for him. How could I do that?
Because… because deep inside I needed payback.
I’m not the little, shy, insecure girl anymore that wants to be unseen, who doesn’t want to bother anyone, who hopes that one day a white knight will rescue her.
I don’t need a knight. I am a pawn turned queen in this game of chess. And a rook is no match for a queen once he stands in a corner.
Once again, I had no idea in which state I would see Jay this time. Too much was left to my imagination, which can be quite vivid when not caged by my rationality. I did my best to not overthink, to not try and imagine what I might see. I couldn’t know until I saw it.
And I didn’t know what I truly wanted to see.
Did I want Jay to die? And end his never-ending self-loathing and suffering? Because I know that he will always find a way to hate himself, to beat himself up, to torment himself with things he had no influence over.
Did I want him to survive and become a human? And get another chance at a normal life?
I knew when Peter opened the door to a room in the wing where I woke up after my coma, that I wanted Jay to be happy. I knew that there would only be one thing in this world that could make him happy. And that was him seeing his son grow up with a father.
I know now how he must have felt when he saw my body lying in this white-in-white hospital bed, connected to machines and IVs. It is terrifying.
I didn’t realize that I had walked up to him until the door fell into its lock behind me. It made me almost jump. Peter was still standing right next to me, moving at my pace watching me like a hawk.
“He is stable for now,” Peter told me, calmly, but his voice had an almost inaudible tremor. “He has a high fever and we had to put him on heavy pain medication.”
I could feel the feverish heat radiating off Jay as if he was an open fireplace. The IVs that were attached to his arms seemed ice-cold in comparison, but I knew that they were meant to help his body cool.
“You should cool down the room, and if you really want to make sure he survives you should put him on a heart-lung-machine or dialysis cooling down his blood to lessen the fever,” I told Peter with a voice that didn’t seem to be my own.
There it was again, my strange brain, seeing a problem and trying to solve it. But right then it was the only way for me to handle the situation. I knew Jay was fighting death right now, his body battling against itself. I knew this was truly in Jay’s hands right now. He would only survive if he fought for it and … I couldn’t even touch him because I was afraid that I might catch the anti-virus via contact.
“There’s a machine on the way,” was Peter’s response, and although he was standing right next to me, he sounded far away.
“Good,” I nodded.
“We could probably speed up the process if you gave me the second syringe.” Peter continued talking, sensing that I wasn’t in the right state of mind right now, trying to take advantage of it.
But you can’t take advantage of an alpha beast. I might have appeared in shock or paralyzed, but all that my body did was switch off the senses I didn’t need as much, trying to lessen the noise in my head. I had tunnel vision, but I wasn’t blind.
“There is no second syringe, Peter,” I answered lowly.
“What do you mean?” He asked, trying to sound calm so he wouldn’t alert me.
He’s such a poor actor. At least, that is what he’s trying to make me believe. You just don’t call yourself ‘Rook’ for nothing, you don’t manage to make your own brother, half-brother or not, believe that you are just a little soldier, a pawn when you are actually running the place.
Or… is there someone behind Peter, really pulling the strings
? And he is nothing more than just that: a pawn?
“What I said,” I gave back, turning to look at him. “There is no second syringe anymore. I gave you the only weapon against me and Daniel and you used it on Jay.”
“Good,” Peter nodded, puzzling me.
“Good?” I repeated, dumbfoundedly.
“Even if he dies, I’ll have his blood as a carrier,” Peter shrugged. “This anti-virus was created from your blood and you were infected by Jay. That’s a complete circle. My scientist will be able to work with that because we can retrace the evolution of the virus. And even if Jay doesn’t survive and the anti-virus manages to kill him, I will have the perfect weapon against the beasts, should they ever consider trying to pull off the same stunt you did.”
All I could do at that moment was blink.
“Meghan,” Peter shook his head and stepped closer, close enough to crowd me, but I wouldn’t budge.
He knew that. I could read it all over his face.
“Do you really think I’m going to allow you to seduce me again? Did you think I am as self-consumed as my sick half-brother?” Peter smiled at me as if I was a stupid child, and prodded the tip of my nose with his index finger.
For whatever reason my nose started itching and I needed to rub it. Peter either didn’t notice or didn’t care, he turned away to go and open the door and tell Gray to take me back to my room.
“You are allowed to visit Jay, of course, Miss Singer,” Peter spoke to me, and I noticed the change in the form of his address, but couldn’t make any sense of it. “Just be careful to not touch him. We don’t want you to get sick, too.”
Seeing Gray’s face, I started moving, still processing what I just had learned. Again, what counts is that Jay will win either way. If he dies, or lives to be a human, there is no room for a third option. But it’s Jay’s choice to make.
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 7