Where I End

by Michelle Dare

  Anger courses through me as I pull into the driveway and shut off the truck. I slam my hand down on the steering wheel; lean my head back on the seat and shut my eyes. I try to stay in the present, but no matter what I do, the memories keep coming back as if they just happened: his hands on me; his breath against my neck. Every moment was nothing shy of torture. No child should have to endure that. Yet I did, while my mom was in the same house. While she was asleep in her bed only a few doors down. She never heard me scream out in pain. She never heard my cries for help. She’s a sound sleeper and only a few would get out before Everett's hand slapped over my mouth, as he punished me for crying. He always hit me where my clothes covered me. Never my arms or legs. My back, my stomach, and...my chest heaves as I try to suck in air and not completely have a breakdown.

  I've come so far. I don't want to let this overtake me. But how can I not? How do I ignore everything that happened to me? I just want to move on and escape the memories. God, why won't they leave?

  "Cy? Are you okay?" Parker asks. I forgot he was home. Of course, he heard my truck pull into the driveway. I didn’t hear him approach.

  I shake my head, not wanting to lift it and open my eyes. He’d be able to see right through me. No, he wouldn't judge, but that doesn't mean he needs to witness me coming apart.

  "Let's go inside," he says gently.

  I pull the keys from the ignition and take a few deep breaths before opening the door. I can't stay out here. He'll end up standing beside my truck until I go inside.

  I hang my head, trying to conceal my face as much as possible. When we step into the living room, I say, "Don't tell Evie. She'll rush home, and I want her to enjoy herself without worrying about me."

  "Okay."

  Parker walks with me to my bedroom. I face the door and mumble, "I want to be alone."

  He stands behind me, not moving. The concern is evident in his voice. "I don't want to–"

  "I'm not going to harm myself. I don't want to die. I have Evie now, and the thought of being without her hurts more than the memories of my past. I just want to be by myself."

  "I'll be here if you need me."

  "Thanks, man," I say, solemnly.

  Inside, I shut the door and block out the light coming in from the windows. I drop to the bed and curl my body into a ball. I try to focus on Evie: her face, the warmth of her touch, the softness of her skin. My body begins to relax the slightest bit.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. Do I answer it or leave it there? It could be Mom or it could be Evie. I can't ignore my girl. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the phone. There's a text from Evie.

  Evie: This place is crazy. There are so many readers here. I didn't know if I'd have fun, but I love it. Brenda has a long line of people waiting to meet her. They love her.

  I can feel her excitement through the phone.

  Me: I'm glad you're having fun.

  It’s the best I can muster. A few minutes pass before I hear from her again.

  Evie: How are you? Everything okay?

  There's no way I'm telling her I ran into my mom today, or that I’m currently holed up in my room, trying to keep the misery at bay.

  Me: Fine. Enjoy yourself.

  A sharp pain pierces my chest. I wish she were here with me. It's selfish, I know. I need her, but she needs to enjoy herself and do things that don’t all revolve around me. I take all her free time. When she's with me, I'm happy. I still have nightmares, and she's usually in more than half of them, but I'd take that any day to wake up and have her by my side. No matter how much pain I'm in, she manages to chase it away.

  Evie: Miss you.

  Me: Ditto.

  I toss the phone onto the nightstand and throw my arm over my eyes. I’ve never been big on texting. Hopefully, she doesn’t detect anything is wrong due to my short messages.

  I drift in and out of sleep for a while. In every dream, I see Everett's eyes glaring at me. His hands reach for me, but I'm able to keep him away, although I'm not sure how.

  Parker knocks on the door. He doesn't wait for me to respond before he opens it. Light from the hallway spills in. "Get up." I shake my head. "Get the fuck up, Revere. I've left you alone all day, but we need to eat and get the fuck out of this house. I don't know what happened to you earlier, and you don't have to tell me. Sitting here isn't going to help, though. We're going out like we used to. You have one more night before Eve is back. Get up."

  "I don't want to."

  "I don't care. Up. Now." Fucker. I throw a pillow at him, which he easily catches.

  "You're a dick, you know that?"

  "Yup, and right now, so are you. Now get the fuck up."

  I stand and rake my hand through my hair. "Where are we going?"

  "You'll see."

  Son of a bitch. I hate it when he does this. He has a number of times since we graduated. Won't tell me where we're going, but I must admit I always ended up having a good time. Maybe that's what I need to get my mind off everything, including missing Evie.

  I slip on my shoes and grab my wallet. My khaki shorts and white polo shirt are wrinkled, but I don't give a shit. I'm not going anywhere to impress anyone. The only woman I care about is far away. I shove my phone back in my pocket and stop in front of where Parker is leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.

  "You gonna move?" I ask.

  "You gonna drop the attitude?"

  "Probably not."

  He laughs and drapes his arm over my shoulders to shove me out into the hallway. "We need to take your truck, but I'm driving."

  "Like fuck I'm letting you drive."

  "Surprise, remember? I can't tell you where we're going."

  I grumble as we walk into the kitchen. He grabs my keys off the counter before I can. We both climb into my truck, Parker settling into the driver's seat with a wide smile.

  "Don't get used to sitting there."

  He continues to smile. Prick. We put our seatbelts on and then we're off to God knows where.

  Parker winds my truck up the mountain; the forest becomes denser with every passing mile. Then he slows and takes a turnoff I never would have noticed. It's a dirt road that wasn't marked. We go down the rough road, the truck bouncing us along with it.

  "You better not be scratching my truck up with these branches," I warn him. They are all coming dangerously close to my truck.

  "Nothing's going to happen to your precious truck. We're almost there.”

  He drives a little farther, then breaks through the trees to a large clearing. Other pickups and SUVs are parked off to the side, and in the distance is a roaring bonfire; its flames licking high, sending embers into the air.

  Parker stops next to a jacked-up F-150 and rubs his hands together. "You ready to have some fun?"

  "You know I can't drink with the meds I'm on."

  "Who said you had to drink? They'll be plenty of people here who are drunk enough for the both of us. They'll be making asses of themselves all night. It's the best kind of entertainment."

  I can't help but laugh at his smile. Maybe it’s good he got me out of the house.

  Eighteen

  Cy

  The vibration of the bass coming from one of the nearby trucks hits me before the door is open. When my feet hit the ground, and the night air infiltrates my lungs, I start to feel a little better. There's something about being out at a party that gets my blood pumping, especially when it's not in the confines of a home.

  Parker slaps me on the back once he rounds the front of my truck to stand beside me. "You ready?" I nod. "If you want to leave at any point, just say the word and we’re out of here."

  "Nah, I'm good." I wave him off.

  "You are now, but I just spotted someone who could change all that."

  I scan the scene in front of us, my eyes bouncing from person to person until they land on the one and only Finn Bradley. "Son of a bitch." I'm so not in the mood to fight right now. I was finally mellowed out from earlier, and now I h
ave the sudden urge to punch Finn in the face.

  "Hey," Parker says as he shakes my shoulder. "No fighting. If Eve were here, she'd be sure to say hi to him and be nice. She'd expect the same from you."

  "She'd expect it, but that doesn't mean she'd get it."

  Parker laughs. "Let's go, man."

  We walk forward and it's like I've stepped back into high school. Women appear at my side, men I'm friends with come over to greet me. Each time a woman puts her arms around me, or her hands on me, I brush them off, which only earns me odd looks. I've never turned women away before, but I'll be damned if I let anyone near me while I'm with Evie. If she were here, she'd be staking her claim on me, and I'd love every second of it.

  A petite blonde standing next to me bumps my hip. "What's up with you? You’re so quiet." I've been here for two minutes, and I'm too quiet. Uh huh.

  "Just thinking," I say, and slide slightly to the left to put some distance between us. She, of course, notices.

  "You don't remember me, do you?"

  I look down and take her in. "I remember you. We spent the night together." I so don't remember her. Fuck it, though. I can wing it. It's better than me telling her I have no fucking clue who she is.

  She buys it and smiles up at me. "You wanna get out of here?"

  "Can’t. I have a girlfriend."

  "No way! Not you." She turns to find her friend, who is on the other side of the bonfire. "Hey, Elise! Get this shit. Cy Revere has a girlfriend!" Every person in earshot stops what they’re doing to stare at me.

  "Who's the lucky girl, and why isn't she here with you tonight?"

  "She's working out in Cali for the weekend." Parker stays silent by my side.

  "You still didn't tell me who she is."

  I'll admit it. Back in high school Evie wasn't popular. I'm hesitant to bring up her name, but not because I don't want people to know I'm with her. In fact, I'm fucking proud to have her as mine. These aren't your average people, though. No, they are the popular clique from high school. The one I was a leader of. Here I am hating myself even more because I know the second her name leaves my lips, they will all have something to say about her. Then I'll lose it. She's the nicest, warmest woman I know. But because she wasn't part of our clique, these shallow assholes will have their opinions and their comments. I hate the thought of anyone talking badly about my Evie.

  I look the girl, whose name I've long forgotten, in the eyes and say, "Eve Adley."

  She pauses for a moment as the name rolls through her mind, then recognition dawns on her face. "The same Eve Adley you used to pick on every day in high school?"

  I grind my teeth together out of anger. Anger at myself and who I used to be. "Yes."

  "It doesn't seem like you're very happy about that."

  I relax my jaw as all the good memories I've made in the past month with Evie come pouring through. "Happy? No. Fucking ecstatic is more like it. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

  She shrugs one shoulder and turns to walk away, but not before dragging a few of her friends with her. They put their heads together and whisper, one glancing back at me with a smirk. I'm tempted to flip her off, but I refrain. These bitches know nothing of a classy woman like Evie.

  Parker speaks up. "I wasn't quite sure how that was going to go."

  "Me, neither."

  "I'm sure within the next ten minutes everyone here will know you're with Eve."

  "Good."

  Some guy steps up to me, shorter than me, leaner. Fuck if I can remember his name. Damn, I can't remember any of these people tonight. Just goes to show how important they must be in my life.

  "Did I just hear correctly?" he asks. "You're dating Eve Adley?"

  I lean forward, towering over him. "Yeah. And?"

  He holds his hands up. "Nothing. Just interesting to see how the tides have turned."

  "If you mean how she's way out of my league, then yes, things certainly have changed. I don't deserve someone as great as her but don't take a moment of being with her for granted." It's not like me to lay my feelings out like that, but these fuckers need to know I'm not playing when it comes to Evie. I...okay, I fucking love her, and none of these fools have a clue how amazing she is.

  "Eve Adley?" the douchebag asks again.

  "Yes, motherfucker, did you not hear me the first time?"

  Parker's hand lands on my shoulder. I have to fight the urge to shake him off. He's the only thing I have to ground me at the moment. To keep me from punching this asshole in the face.

  Parker interrupts. "Revere speaks the truth. Eve is a great woman."

  Then another voice speaks up. "I can vouch for her as well." Fucking Finn. For a moment, I hate him a little less, like a sliver less, if that.

  The guy is now looking us over, his eyes jumping from one of us to the next. "Look, I didn't mean to start any trouble. I just couldn't believe it when I heard. I mean, we were all there in high school. We all saw what happened daily."

  "I was an asshole in high school. I fully admit that and regret what I did."

  "Whatever, dude." He walks away. He doesn't even want to hear how I fucked up, how wonderful Evie is, none of it. What's the point of me admitting I fucked up, if no one gives a shit? They wanted to be my friend because I was rich and a dick. I acted like I didn’t give a shit about anyone except Evie and that was in a negative way. At least she knows how sorry I am.

  I shrug out of Parker's hold and start to walk away from the bonfire—away from the people I realize I have nothing in common with anymore. A lot has happened since the short time Evie and I have become closer. That day I put the gun to my head was the catalyst. Everything has changed since then. Evie is my world now. Her and Parker. They are the ones who have stood and continue to stand by me. They are the ones who matter the most and are more than my friend and girlfriend. They’re my family. They care for me more than my mom ever has.

  A hand grips my elbow. I turn, thinking it's Parker, but it's Finn. "Listen, about what you said about Eve," he starts. "I didn't realize how much you care about her. I'm sorry I got in the way of that. If I had known, I wouldn't have asked her out."

  I shake my head. Every word he says has me hating him less. We were friends back in high school, right? Or as close as I was to any of them. "Don't worry about it. I overreacted. I've been going through some stuff and…" I rake my hand through my hair, "…fuck I don't know. When it comes to Evie, I just get very protective."

  "I get it. I really do. She's someone special." I lift my head to meet his eyes. "Be good to her."

  "I'm trying,” I tell him honestly.

  Parker interrupts and I'm glad. I’ve talked to Finn long enough. "He does more than try. I've never seen a man treat a woman so well. He would die for her."

  Finn's eyes widen a little and I shrug a shoulder. Feelings. I think I've had enough sharing for the night. We've been here all of twenty minutes and I'm over it. Over the whole drinking, partying scene.

  "You want to go?" Parker asks.

  "Yeah."

  I feel bad for ruining his night. He could have been looking forward to going to this party. "Listen, if you want to stay, I can come back later and get you."

  "Nah. I'm good. Besides, you've been spending a lot of time with Eve. It's good for us to hang out." I nod. I'm lucky to have him as a friend.

  Swiping the keys from Parker, I drive my truck back to his house. No matter how long I've stayed there, or how many times he has told me it's as much my place as his, I still can't call it mine.

  When I'm about to put my signal on to turn into Parker's driveway, a police car beats me to it. He pulls in ahead of us, only his headlights on.

  "What the hell?" Parker asks.

  My stomach sinks, and I have a feeling whatever they are doing here can't be good. My thoughts immediately go to Evie, but if something happened to her, I doubt the cops would come to find me. They'd contact her parents. Right?

  I park next to the cruiser. A motion li
ght on the house has kicked on, illuminating the driveway. We get out at the same time the two officers do.

  They stand before us. The taller of the two speaks up. I recognize him from high school—his name I somehow remember.

  "Cy. Parker." He nods to us and removes his hat.

  "What's going on, Jim?" I ask, cutting right to the point. I need to find out what's going on.

  "Your mom was in an accident earlier today. She…she didn't survive. I’m sorry."

  I stand still for a moment, absorbing his words. "How?"

  "From the eyewitness account from the car behind her, she swerved to avoid a deer in the road and ended up hitting a tree head on. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt."

  I stumble backward until my back hits my truck. She's dead? My mom is dead. I just saw her today. How could this happen? She was trying to apologize to me. She wanted to talk and I couldn't. I left.

  Parker steps into my field of vision. "Cy? Look at me." I focus on him. "Let's go inside." I nod. He says something to Jim, but I have no idea what. They talk while I try to come to terms with what I just heard.

  Inside, Parker and I sit on the couch. "Are you okay?" he asks.

  “I honestly don't know. On the one hand, she was my mom. On the other, she was also the one person I trusted above all others, and she chose him over me. She never believed me. If she had, things would be different. I should cry, right? I just lost my mother. I should feel something, but I don't. I feel nothing. Not happy, not sad."

  "You can feel however you want. There is no right or wrong way. Is there any family you want me to call and tell?"

  I shake my head. "My aunt died a few years ago. Both of my grandparents on her side are gone. I don't know the phone number for my other grandparents. After my dad died, they moved to Europe. We visited them once after, but that was the last time I saw them. I was young. The most I hear from them now is a card at Christmas. I don't have any other family who'd want to know. Everett but I'll be damned if I'm contacting him. Besides, my mom said she was divorcing him, and he didn’t live with her anymore."

  We sit on the couch in silence for a while longer. My mom is dead. Gone. I haven’t shed one tear. I’m not choked up with emotion. Nothing.