Paul McCartney's Coat

by Michael White

  “What about something that would use a shadow?” she mumbled as Billy frowned.

  “How can you use a shadow?” he asked, before catching a display off to his left. “Bloody hell, Sue!” he shouted. “A sundial! Over there! It’s the sundials!” They both shot from the bench and over to where a small display of sundials were not too carefully placed. Unfortunately they all seemed to be made of plastic or wood. “This is either a change of plan or whoever’s doing these riddles has changed his or her job.” said Billy, quickly upending them in turn. “Nothing.” he said. “But it’s got to be right. Just that the crafty sod is changing the game a bit.” As they sat there seriously untidying the sundial display a member of staff appeared amongst the flower beds and seemed to be eying them suspiciously.

  “That’s all of them.” said Sue. “Nothing. Bugger all.” Billy raised an eyebrow and made his way towards the sales assistant who was still watching them very closely indeed whilst at the same time seeming to make a desperate retreat into the strawberry plant display.

  “Hold on, Sue.” he said as he approached the assistant. Sue followed him quickly, unsure exactly what he was up to. “Excuse me love.” he said to the assistant. “We thought we saw a stone sundial in here a while ago but you only have plastic ones now. Perhaps you have one in the back or something?” he finished, raising an eyebrow.

  The sales assistant did what all sales assistants the world over instinctively do. “If it’s not out on display, we haven’t got any.” she said, not even blushing. Not in the slightest. Billy of course knew that this was sales assistant shorthand for, “I’m sorry but I can’t be arsed looking.” and so he persisted, whilst smiling wildly at the same time, which generally threw anybody finding themselves in such a situation.

  “Perhaps you’d like to go and have a look.” he said, and off she scuttled almost tutting to herself. There was a gap of some five minutes and the assistant eventually returned, this time bringing with her another member of staff who, judging by the roped glasses around her neck was her superior.

  “Good morning.” said the woman snobbishly. “I believe you are looking for a stone sundial?” Billy and Sue nodded eagerly. “We did have a larger display of stone ornaments, including sundials, I believe some months back.” Sue and Billy nodded eagerly whilst the woman stared at them oddly, wondering how on Earth anyone could get so worked up about a sundial. She continued. “We were short of space so we moved them to our sister store, Liverpool North. I believe they have them on display there. Perhaps I could...” she tailed off as Billy and Sue thanked her profusely and made their way to the exit, the stares of the two sales assistants following them.

  “Do you know where it is?” asked Sue as they made their way quite quickly back to the car.

  “I do!” said Billy, and they were in the car and off, dodging potholes in the car park as they made their way out.

  Some three quarters of an hour later they arrived at the new garden centre and pulled into the car park. Billy was not surprised at all to discover that the parking area was just as bad, if not worse, than the previous one. Parking gingerly between two large holes and what looked like a working gravel pit replica in miniature, they made their way into the garden centre. Billy was dismayed to discover that it was almost identical to the last one. The same dreary features, only with more room. Out they went into the outdoor plants and ornaments area and without any difficulty at all found the display of garden ornaments. The assistant had been right! There were definitely a lot more of them here, stretching out in long rows in all directions. There were even stranger looking gargoyles here, and Sue wondered once again why on Earth anyone would want one of those ugly things in their garden! Off to one side was a small collection of stone sundials. There seemed to be at least ten of them. Billy felt his back beginning to creak already as he approached them.

  “Come on, Billy!” encouraged Sue, and much to the consternation of several passing customers Billy began to tip them up one by one as Sue peered at the then revealed base. They had already done five to no avail when Sue held up her hand for Billy to stop and reached for her notepad. “This is the one!” she murmured. “Hold on to it, Billy. There’s an awful lot of writing on this one.” Billy groaned as she scribbled furiously on her pad and then seemed to check what she had written word by word. Just as it started to get really heavy Sue nodded for him to let it return to an upright position once again. The couple looked around and found a small wooden bench off to one side that seemed to have been provided for customers to rest their legs. They made their way to it and sat down.

  “What have you got?” asked Billy, rubbing his hands together; eager for the next clue.

  “It seems to be two riddles.” said Sue. “Here we go.” She cleared her throat and waited for another customer to wander past before reading the riddles. Eventually she began. “The first one reads, “Little Nanny Etticoat, in a white petticoat, and a red nose; the longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she?” Then there is a space and there is another, which says, “What is it that has four legs, one head and a foot?” That’s all there is.”

  “Two for the price of one, eh?” laughed Billy. “It looks like they have changed the rules of the game yet again, doesn’t it?” Sue nodded, peering at the pad. “Is it the same answer, do you think?” he finished. Sue was already beginning to slip into detective mode, Billy knew. The pen had reappeared from her bag and she was tapping it slowly on her lower lip.

  “I’m not sure. Best to take them in turn.” The tapping quickly increased and then she sat back smiling. “I’ve got one already!” she exclaimed. Billy sat upright next to her, waiting. “What is it that has four legs, one head and a foot?” It’s a bed, Billy. That one was pretty easy!”

  “Well done!” Billy said, beginning to peer around the display for any kind of bed but Sue got there before him. “Tell you what. You go and have a look for any ornament with a bed on it or in the shape of a bed and I’ll work on the first clue.”

  “Okay!” said Billy, jumping to his feet and heading quickly off amongst the displays whilst Sue continued to stare the first riddle into submission. After a few minutes she heard Billy shout from across the way. “Sue!” There was a definite sound of excitement in his voice. “I’ve found it!” Putting the other riddle from her mind she rushed over to where Billy was stood in front of a small ornament that was obviously designed to be part of a rockery or the like. It was a small stone bed in which what was obviously a squirrel was tucked up, just his head visible. Around the bed sat several other smaller woodland animals, a mouse and a hedgehog amongst them. They were all fast asleep. Billy tipped this one up easily and told Sue to get her notepad out. “Ready?” he asked and Sue nodded. “Okay.” said Billy, and began to read. “I went to the woods and got it; I sat down to look for it; and brought it home because I couldn’t find it. What is it?” Blimey. That’s three in a day so far! We’re doing okay, aren’t we?”

  “Only if we solve them!” laughed Sue, making sure that what she had written down was exactly what was on the base of the stone ornament. Once she was satisfied she nodded to Billy and he let the ornament rest flat once again. They returned to the bench and sat down. “I think we need to look at the one we found first and couldn’t solve before moving on to this one. It may just possibly have some bearing on it, I think.” Billy nodded beside her.

  “Read it out again.” he said, and settled to listen carefully. Sue turned over the page of her notebook.

  “Little Nanny Etticoat, in a white petticoat, and a red nose; the longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she?” Out came the pen again. “Let’s cut it down. “Little nanny Etticoat” is irrelevant I think so cross that out.” The pen moved quickly across the notepad. “And it ends with what is she, so it’s an object again, I think. So what we have left is, “In a white petticoat, and a red nose, the longer she stands, the sorter she grows.” So. In a white coat with a red nose and shrinks if she stands.” There was a pa
use as they both tried to think of the answer. As she did do Sue noticed a small ornament at the edge of the display that seemed to be simply a large candle. It had been reduced to clear as it was slightly chipped on the edge. Billy seemed to notice it at exactly the same time.

  “It’s a candle!” yelled Billy and they were off again, uprooting the base of the ornament and both peering to look at it. “Oh.” said Billy, looking at the writing carved oddly on the candle’s base. “It’s the same riddle as the bed, isn’t it?” he said, and Sue cross checked what she had already written down on her notepad with what was written on the ornament.

  “It is.” she said. “Exactly the same. “I went to the woods and got it; I sat down to look for it; and brought it home because I couldn’t find it. What is it?” Now that’s a bit odd, isn’t it?” they both stood there pondering for a while as to what this meant. Whether it was some form of trick or even maybe a clue in disguise.

  “Let’s go for a cuppa in the cafe.” said Billy eventually. “I’m parched.” and so off they went.

  The cafe was just as depressing as Billy had thought that it might be. The tea was barely the right side of passable, but they were one of only three couples in there so service didn’t take too long. As they sat sipping the tea Sue pulled out the notebook again. Before she could open it however, Billy stopped her.

  “We need to figure out why one ornament had two riddles on it, both of which led to the next clue. I don’t know whether it’s important or not.”

  Sue put her cup down. “I’ve been thinking about that.” she said. “I think it’s like this. If one ornament was sold and the writing on the base of the ornament never noticed, or not understood then the trail could go cold.” She noticed Billy frowning. “Say for example, that the candle had been sold. We would never have found the clue. Because there was an alternative there is more of a chance that we could.”

  “I see.” said Billy. “I was thinking about that last night as well. I suppose it could be true that the first one we found - the clock - may not have actually been the first one in the trail. Just the one we picked up the trail from.”

  “Exactly!” said Sue. “I think whoever is setting this trail or set of clues, or whatever you want to call it, most definitely wants somebody to continue to try to figure out the answers.” Billy took the notepad off her and read aloud.

  “I went to the woods and got it; I sat down to look for it; and brought it home because I couldn’t find it. What is it?” Now let’s have a think. What would you go into the woods to find?”

  “Wood. Obviously.” said Sue. “Perhaps fire wood?” Billy took the pen off her and struck that part of the riddle out. He continued.

  “Then he sat down to look for it, and brought it home even though he couldn’t find it. That doesn’t make sense, does it?” They both sat thinking as the cafe slowly began to fill up.

  “Reverse it.” said Sue. “Turn the last bit around and read it again.” Billy looked at the notepad and read aloud.

  “I sat down to look for it, and even though I couldn’t find it I brought it home with me.” He paused for a moment and added, “In the woods.” Sue thought for a while and then smiled.

  “It’s a splinter. Or a thorn. Both are the same, I would imagine. That’s the answer!”

  Billy smiled brightly and leaned across the table to plant a kiss on her cheek. “You’re an even better detective than I imagined.” he said, proudly, and then stopped suddenly. “Hang on. I’m sure there was an ornament on display with a rabbit with a thorn, or something like that anyway!” They quickly grabbed their things and were hot on the trail again. Billy led her along the displays, heading for the object he had barely noticed in passing before. He drew to a stop next to a larger ornament that showed a rabbit sitting on a tree stump holding up its paw, in which was stuck a large thorn. Next to the rabbit a badger stood looking at the thorn through a magnifying glass. Billy chuckled as he noticed that the badger seemed to have a stethoscope hanging around his neck. “I quite like this one.” he said.

  “No! You’re not buying it!” was all that Sue had to say on the matter before Billy grabbed hold of it and tilted it so Sue could see the base. “We’ve got another one!” she shouted in excitement and began to scribble furiously on her notepad. Eventually she stopped, checked her writing against the ornament and then nodded for Billy to let the ornament settle upright again. “Here we go.” she said. “I turn around once. What is out will not get in. I turn around again. What is in will not get out. What am I?”” She paused, half expecting an answer straight away.

  “Bugger.” said Billy. “We’re back to the hard ones again!” He paused looking at the ornament, the old riddle now forgotten. “So if it’s out it can’t get in, turns around and then when it’s in it can’t get out?” Sue nodded as if this was a fair summary. “I know one thing. It’s giving me a bloody headache, that’s for sure!” Sue patted him on the arm and they moved back to the bench, Sue peering at the notebook as they went.

  “It’s the turnaround bit that’s important” she said. “That changes it from one thing happening to the opposite thing happening. Give me another word for turn!” Billy rubbed the back of his head.

  “I’m not a bloody walking dictionary” he said, sitting down on the bench again but then closed his eyes to think. “Twist.” he said eventually. “Or tip or tilt. Move or spin.” he paused again. “Turn seems a bit definite though.” Then his eyes nearly popped out of his head. “It’s a key, Sue! It’s describing locking and unlocking a door!” Then they were on their feet again, back to the ornaments in search of one that in any way resembled a key. Sue however noticed that Billy was lagging behind a little this time. Sue continued looking but Billy had stopped.

  “What’s up with you?” she said, and Billy Sighed.

  “I think there’s one shaped like a key in the other garden centre.” he sighed to himself. “The one we have just come from.” He looked a little sheepish. “In fact I know there is. I can even remember exactly where it is.” Sue smiled and made for the exit.

  “Come on then!” she shouted over her shoulder. “What are you waiting for?” Billy sighed again but followed her out of the garden centre, crossing the car park just as quickly as she did.

  ***

  They arrived back at their point of origin and made their way back out to the garden ornament section. They almost instantly spotted a small ornament in the shape of a key. A younger couple however were hovering over it, giving it admiring glances.

  “They’d better not bloody buy it!” said Sue, to Billy’s surprise. It just went to show how involved she had got with the trail of clues. He wasn’t sure himself where this was heading, but he had to admit to himself that he was more than just a little curious as to what the next clue was going to be. Billy and Sue waited as the couple fussed over several other garden ornaments before moving away into the shrubs section, their trolley still empty. Sue sighed a breath of relief. Billy dutifully tipped up the key ornament, whilst also noting that it seemed to be the only one in that shape, and Sue gave a small cry of triumph and began scribbling on her pad.

  “What does it say?” he said, not even waiting for them to sit down now.

  “It’s a short one.” she said. “Hardly even worth writing down, really.” She saw Billy getting increasingly impatient next to her and read the riddle. “What is it that is deaf, dumb and blind, yet always tells the truth?” He laughed as she read it. “What’s up with you?”

  “I know that one!” he said, “I was at school I think when I first heard it.” and he turned to point at a large ornament that seemed to display several woodland animals gathered about what was obviously meant to be a picture frame or the like. It seemed to have a piece of reflective glass held in it, which was winking brightly in the sunlight. “It’s that one.” he laughed. “It’s a mirror!”

  With that the pair of them rushed over to the ornament and looked at the bowl held on the top. It appeared to be some kind of bird
bath. Carved into the bowl in the by now familiar scrawl they saw the words, “End of journey”. Quickly tipping it up Billy saw Sue squint at what was obviously some message on the base of the object.

  “There’s a fair bit here.” she said. “There’s another riddle though. It says, “What is it that you must give before you can keep it?””

  Billy seemed perplexed. “Why does it say, “end of journey” on the top then when there’s another bloody riddle on the bottom? That doesn’t make any sense does it?”

  “The other bit is a list of numbers.” Sue seemed to come to a decision. “Put it back down flat, Billy.” she said, “And go and get a trolley. We’re buying it!”

  Billy looked at the price tag attached to the side of it. “It’s seventy five quid!” he shouted, looking shocked.

  “You could always take a chance and ask for a discount.” she said, raising an eyebrow. Billy however knew this tone of voice perfectly well. He went to get the trolley. By the time mid-afternoon arrived the ornament was installed in the garden and they were musing about the riddle and the collection of numbers scrawled on the base.

  ***

  “Would you like to see it, Sarah?” asked Sue. Sarah nodded eagerly.

  “Would you mind if I took a few pictures of it for the article?” she said and Billy responded that pictures would not be a problem, whilst at the same time holding the porch door open for Sarah and Sue to exit into the garden. Sarah was quite surprised by the ornament. For starters it was about three feet high, much bigger than she anticipated, but then, she thought, it is a bird table. About the stone base several carved woodland creatures were gathered around the shape of what was obviously meant to be a mirror, or a part of a mirror. It was not quite square. More like a glass shard than anything. She thought that it managed somehow to look kind of cute but also at the same time look vaguely disturbing in some intangible way as well. “Is that a real mirror?” she asked and crouching down closely to get a better look, saw that it was.