Always There

by Tiara Inserto

  He left Liana’s grandparents in the waiting room, and a nurse quickly helped him into a hospital gown. Mitch was then led to a surgical room where he found a strained-looking head coach of New Zealand football. When Phil saw Mitch, he yelled, “Oh, thank you, God, most merciful and divine! Mr. Molloy, please, please, take my place! I can’t feel my arm anymore!”

  Liana’s eyes were closed; her breathing was labored. Her hair was matted to a face that glistened under the harsh strobes of the hospital lights.

  “Liana? Sweetheart, I’m here. Hold on to me, baby girl. I’m here.”

  Liana’s eyes opened, reflecting pain, fear, and anticipation. “Mitch? You made it.”

  Mitch pried her hand off Phil’s arm. She immediately grabbed his hands. He didn’t blink at the strength of her grip, responding to it with hands that were trained not to let go.

  “The baby’s coming. I can feel—dammit!” Liana shut her eyes and let out a low groan that squeezed Mitch’s heart. All he heard was the pain. Liana cursed loudly, words he was more accustomed to hearing on the pitch than from his beautiful wife.

  When Liana opened her eyes again, she gazed straight into Mitch’s.

  “I’m here, baby girl,” Mitch said. Beads of sweat had formed on his forehead. His heart raced. Nerves he was used to overcoming when playing in front of tens and thousands of people wouldn’t go away. He kept his eyes locked on Liana’s. She didn’t close them again. They were a team. They would do this together.

  Ten minutes later, they were parents to a loud and animated three-and-a-half-kilogram baby girl. Mitch was instructed to put the baby on Liana’s breast so she could feel her mom’s heartbeat and flesh.

  Mitch kissed Liana’s forehead as she looked at her now quiet but alert daughter. Liana studied every detail of her baby’s face.

  “Mitch, her eyes are blue,” she said in awe.

  “They could get darker, but it was always possible. Your father had blue eyes; mine does, too.”

  “That’s incredible,” Liana whispered.

  “You’re incredible, baby girl.”

  * * *

  Liana woke up to the gentle prodding of a nurse. Her eyes automatically went to the clock on the adjacent wall. It was just before dawn.

  “Sorry, I needed to change the linens. Are you all right?” whispered the matronly woman with gentle eyes. Liana looked at the name tag—“Carole.”

  She sighed a little, her body still sore. “I am. How long have I been asleep?”

  “Three hours. We were going to wake you soon to feed the baby. She’s having some lovely cuddles with her dad right now.” Carole nodded to the window on the other side of the room. Liana smiled at the sight of her shirtless husband cradling their daughter. He swayed slowly. His back was to her, but she could tell from his stance that he was relaxed. Content.

  “He’s taken the ‘skin-to-skin’ instructions very seriously,” Carole said, with a wink. “Causing quite a stir among the younger nurses, if you don’t mind me saying.”

  Mitch turned at that moment. Their eyes met. He looked down at the sleeping baby then back at Liana. “She’s perfect, baby-girl. Just like her mum.”

  “She’ll be ready to feed, Mr. Molloy,” Carole said as she helped Liana move her body into an upright position. Mitch walked to the bed and placed their daughter in the crook of Liana’s arm. He watched intently as the baby sucked on Liana’s breast. He stroked the soft down of his daughter’s brown hair with one hand while his other hand massaged Liana’s leg.

  Liana grimaced a little at the tight latch, but once the baby seemed settled, she turned to look at her husband. He had a day’s growth on his chin. “You didn’t have to be here this early. You must be tired.”

  “I wanted to see you both before I pick up Anusha and Raj for breakfast.”

  “They were thrilled, weren’t they?”

  Mitch nodded. “Spoke to Mum. I hope you don’t mind, but they want to come up to see the baby immediately.”

  “Of course. Their granddaughter threw a spanner into their plans, didn’t she? I suspect it’s going to be the first of many such incidents.”

  He chuckled. “Any thoughts on a name?”

  “How about Jayne? With a ‘y’?”

  He nodded slowly. “Yes, that’d be perfect. He’d have loved it.” He looked back at his daughter and smiled. “She looks like a Jayne.”

  “Why don’t you decide on a middle name?”

  “Theresa,” Mitch said immediately. “My mum suggested it a while ago, and I agree. She’ll have your mum with her that way.”

  Her throat went dry while she struggled to speak in response to that suggestion. Instead, she smiled as Mitch wiped away the single tear that had trailed down her cheek. He bent to kiss Liana, a gentle, soft kiss, so tender more tears threatened to spill. Together, they looked at their daughter, who was eagerly drinking her fill.

  “Welcome to the world, Jayne Theresa Molloy,” Liana said. “You are loved and will always be loved.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Two weeks later, they took a private flight back to the South Island and were finally home. Anusha and Raj were to stay a fortnight with them. Liana was grateful for their presence. There were four adults to take care of one child—sometimes six and even that didn’t seem enough.

  When it was time for the Kapoors to go home, Liana couldn’t seem to extract herself from her grandmother’s embrace.

  “Thank you so much for being here, Nan,” Liana said. “You’ve been such a help. I’m going to miss your cooking.”

  “You’ll be fine, my dear. I promise we’ll come back soon. Remember: you have people who want to help you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

  A couple of days later, Liana felt alone at two in the morning. Jayne was colicky. Mitch had been up the previous night, and they had agreed to trade nights. Liana walked back and forth around the nursery trying to sooth Jayne before trying the glider; then it was back to walking around the room. One hour... two hours. Silence in the house except for Jayne’s wailing. When the crying finally subsided and was replaced by even breathing, Liana didn’t dare put Jayne down in the crib. She glanced at the clock and realized she only had an hour before Jayne would probably wake up again for a feed. She wanted to cry, but that would take time away from sleep. Moira’s design didn’t include a mattress in the nursery for nights like these.

  Waking up exhausted became the new norm. Never much of a coffee drinker, Liana now made sure their coffee maker had enough for both Mitch and herself and that it was programmed to start at five in the morning, the latest Jayne would sleep until. They had listened to Cat’s and Connor’s suggestions and had hired a housekeeper to help with the basic upkeep of the house and meal preparations. On weekends, Mitch’s family would take turns watching Jayne while her parents caught up on much-needed sleep.

  Liana struggled to stay away from work. Her need to stay involved with the team during a busy international season challenged her intention to focus only on Jayne. Because that was what mums do, focus only on their children.

  But she wasn’t.

  She hadn’t been.

  She couldn’t.

  Her mind was wandering.

  She woke up one morning, in the glider, with Jayne still latched onto her breast. Both she and her daughter had fallen asleep during the feed. The realization that Jayne could have easily slipped out of her arms startled her. Liana breathed quickly, her heart rate responding to the dose of fear that went through her. Jayne could have been hurt. Jayne could have been really hurt. What kind of mother falls asleep while feeding her child?

  Liana bit on her lip, blinking back her tears. She tried to control her breathing, a technique she had depended on for years when things got a bit too much. She slowly moved from the glider to place Jayne into the crib. The tears began to fall then as she watched the unconscious smile that came over the sleeping baby’s face. She looked beautiful; her eyes were still blue a month later. Eyes like Liam Murphy’s.<
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  Liana stifled a sob with her hand. She moved out of the room quietly and looked into the master bedroom. Mitch was still asleep, his body taking up more than half the bed. He looked peaceful. She hesitated, then turned around. Still wearing her tracksuit pants from yesterday, she grabbed Mitch’s sweatshirt that had been casually tossed on the sofa last night and slipped on her running shoes.

  She needed to get out of the house. She didn’t care if it was still dark. She just needed.... She didn’t know what she needed.

  The rhythm of her feet pounding the pavement was comforting. Liana knew that sound. She understood it. Without seeing anything, she ran. Instincts told her to keep moving. She ignored how strange her body felt to her, a body she had been so attuned to all her life. This new body wasn’t one she knew or trusted; it felt weaker, heavier, looser.

  The sudden honking of a car startled her. She looked around. Where was she exactly? The first light of a new day was beginning to break through the darkness. Jayne would need a feed soon. Stupid, stupid. Why didn’t you bring your phone? She haphazard a guess on the fastest way back to the house and willed her legs to keep moving. She wanted to feel the pain, the burn—something, anything to keep her mind aware.

  Half an hour later, she entered the house to see Mitch on the sofa talking to Jayne. He glanced at Liana, worry in his eyes. “You all right?”

  Liana nodded. “Is she hungry?”

  “She woke up happy. Why don’t you take a shower? She should be fine for another ten minutes, I think.”

  Liana nodded again and walked quickly toward the master bedroom.

  * * *

  Mitch stared at Liana’s retreating figure. He couldn’t quite pinpoint why he suddenly felt uneasy. He hadn’t been worried when he woke up and didn’t find Liana in the house. He had noticed her running shoes were missing and was glad she wanted to get some exercise. She had yet to return to a regular workout schedule, something that was important to her. No, her absence wasn’t what made him nervous. Then it hit him: she wasn’t smiling anymore.

  * * *

  The day Jayne turned two months old, Liana sent an email to Phil asking for a full update on the previous month’s activity.

  Today is going to be better. They were going to get back to a degree of normalcy. Mitch was to be the guest commentator on a radio show that day, in anticipation of the club rugby Final which signaled the end of the regular season. Mrs. Wong was going to come in and watch Jayne for a few hours. Liana would be able to return to things she was familiar with, things she could control.

  “Baby girl?

  Liana looked up at Mitch, startled by his intrusion into her thoughts.

  Mitch tried again. “Liana, have you had breakfast?”

  Liana shook her head. She frowned when she noticed the time on the laptop. “Is it nine already?”

  “You’ve been at it for almost two hours. Mrs. Wong will be here soon.”

  Two hours? Where does the time go?

  “Liana?”

  Liana blinked and returned her gaze back to Mitch.

  “Right. Um... yes, breakfast. No, I’ll grab something now. Is Jayne all right?”

  Mitch nodded. “I’m about to leave.” He had come up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. They felt heavy. She shrugged them off as she got up. “I better start pumping then.”

  Liana walked to the nursery and shut the door. She leaned against it. Why did she do that? Why did she walk away from his touch? She needed his strength but didn’t quite know how to accept it anymore. He’d been nothing but supportive.

  She unbuttoned the top of her nightgown, attached the suction cup to her breast, and turned on the machine. She was planning to breastfeed Jayne for another couple of months, but it was time to introduce her daughter to the bottle.

  The pump droned on.

  This must be what cows feel like. She watched as her milk filled the container. The rhythm was unrelenting and constant. It was the only sound in an otherwise silent room that was filled with beautiful images for and of her daughter. Liana looked at the mobile that Mitch had hung just beyond the window to catch the light. It was barely moving right now. Everything was still.

  I... hate... this....

  A manmade machine continued to squeeze her breast.

  ... But this is important. This is what mums do. Stop thinking of yourself. This is for Jayne. You’re a mother now; act like one.

  She had never quit. Even when things were beyond her control, she had found alternatives to move forward. That attitude was formed on the field. She had learned to be a formidable striker by developing an instinct to keep searching for opportunities. She never gave up. But she felt like it now. She didn’t want to be there. She wasn’t meant to be a cow.

  Liana pulled the pump off her breast in frustration. Her hands were shaking; her breast was damp and still leaking.

  “Where’s that damn glow every new mum is supposed to have?” she muttered. She cleaned herself up hurriedly when she heard the doorbell chime. Mrs. Wong had arrived. She hoped she was calm and coherent when they greeted each other. Mrs. Wong didn’t seem bothered by her informal wear.

  A petite woman and a former civil servant, Mrs. Wong lived a few houses away from them. Her children had moved to the North Island for work straight after university. After her husband’s death a few years ago, she realized cruises weren’t her thing. She didn’t have the travel bug; she liked her garden; she liked her walks. Life was good, but she needed something more. “I like to keep busy,” she had informed Mitch and Liana during the interview.

  “Let me know if you need anything, Mrs. Wong.”

  “We’ll be fine, Mrs. Molloy,” said Mrs. Wong. “The reason I’m here is so that you don’t need to be.”

  I don’t need to be here....

  Liana suppressed the flash of excitement at the possibility and made her way to a guest room that now served as her office. She sat down at the desk, started the computer, and escaped motherhood. She went back to the world she knew like the back of her hand. She liked it there. It was safe.

  Liana liked this schedule: wake up, feed the baby, let Mrs. Wong in, go to work.

  This is how it should be, except she felt more and more reluctant to deal with anything other than work. She pushed herself though, participating in the minutiae of daily life with the efficiency of a machine. This is what working mums do... I’m not a quitter...

  * * *

  “Just tired,” was the refrain Mitch heard, but his sharp eyes and his sixth sense told him otherwise. He had known this was going to be tough, but he hadn’t expected the toll that motherhood was taking on Liana. She was as mentally and emotionally strong as he. If anyone could handle this, it would be Liana Murphy. Besides, wasn’t this part of nature? Women were meant to be mothers.

  Except the vacant stares became more frequent, as did the absentminded responses. She showed a lack of enthusiasm for things that use to make her sparkle.

  Mitch realized he was seeing Liana behave the way Jay used to when the world became too much for him.

  One afternoon, Mitch returned from the gym earlier than expected. He frowned at the sound of Liana’s angry voice coming from the kitchen. He made a quick stop in Jayne’s room; oblivious to anything, she was sleeping peacefully. He bent to kiss her gently then followed the sound of shouting.

  Liana’s back was to him when he entered the kitchen.

  “How can there be no more money for that? Online sales from the website are up by a hundred percent, Chris. We’ve signed with shoes and clothing companies for endorsements. Endorsements I secured! There should be enough money! We agreed this was important. We can’t win without those practice matches. They need to play in Europe before we head to Brazil. No, qualifying isn’t enough. You may think that would be a great result. I don’t. I’m taking this team deep into the tournament. They can do it. Even if I have to swim there, we’re going to Europe. Find me that money, damn it!”

  She angrily push
ed the phone away. Hunched over the counter, the muscles on her neck were strained and tight. Suddenly, she reached for a glass, turned, and threw it against the wall right next to him. The force of her throw shattered it on impact. Her eyes reflected her shock when she realized Mitch was standing there.

  “Oh, bloody hell! I didn’t know you were home. I’m really sorry! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did any of the glass hit you?”

  Mitch looked at the glass pieces on the floor. “Is that why we’re running short on these things? I thought it was my imagination that we were down to six.”

  “Five,” Liana said, weakly. She reached for her husband and placed her hand on his face, frowning. “That was foolish. I’m sorry. You’re not hurt, are you?”

  Mitch shook his head and wrapped his arms around Liana. “I’ll start wearing a bell around the house. But I think you need to find a better way to work out your anger. Let’s go for a run.”

  Liana protested, “Oh, Mitch...”

  “Come on. I know Mrs. Wong is home. She waved when I came in. She can watch Jayne. You must have just put her down, so we have about an hour?”

  “I have to clean up the glass.”

  “You change, and I’ll clean up the glass. I’m ready for the run already. Go, woman. Make your husband happy.”

  Liana laughed. Mitch was relieved to hear that sound again. It had been a while.

  Fifteen minutes later, Mitch and Liana made their way out of their neighborhood toward a well-worn path popular with local runners. They took the hill steadily, the strength and agility of world-class athletes obvious to anyone who could have seen them that afternoon. But they were alone.

  When they reached the plateau of the hill, Mitch pushed forward a little, more familiar with the terrain. Liana didn’t press, instinctively knowing what her husband was doing. They ran side-by-side when the path opened up. Mitch increased his speed, and Liana responded. Twenty minutes later, they descended. Neither let up. At the bottom, Mitch saw something to aim for.