Always There

by Tiara Inserto

  Kelly sighed. It was hard living with Jay. But it was a choice she would never regret. She had spent all her adult life waking up wondering if it would be the last day she’d see him. When that day finally came, she was still unprepared for the depth of pain that came with the news. She had their daughter, though, a ray of sunshine. She could see a lot of Jay in Maile: her determination, her kindness, her love for the outdoors. Kelly hoped Maile had inherited only the good from Jay. Time would tell.

  When Liana finally came out of the master bedroom, Kelly had set their lunches on the balcony. The sun’s heat was subdued by the clouds that lingered throughout the day. They sat there all afternoon while Auckland kept a busy pace in front of them. Kelly would go back into the condo to bring out a cup of tea or some fruit. But mostly, they were both lost in their own thoughts. Then unexpectedly, Liana’s tears flowed again. Kelly reached over to rub Liana’s back. Neither spoke.

  * * *

  The next morning, Kelly drove Liana to a medical building on the outskirts of Auckland. Liana glanced at the listings and noted that there were different medical practices in this building, from wellness therapy to orthodontics to psychiatry.

  Dr. Chris Spurgeon’s office was on the top floor. The door had his name on it; no field of expertise was identified. When he came out of his room to greet them, Liana was surprised by how young he was. Judging by the light sprinkling of silver at his temples, he couldn’t have been more than a few years older than she. Kind blue eyes studied her from behind dark-rimmed glasses. A closely shaved beard didn’t hide the dimple in his cheek or the gentle smile he wore when he shook Liana’s hand. He gave Kelly a kiss on the cheek in greeting.

  “You look well,” he said.

  “I am,” Kelly replied with a smile. “Liana, I’ll leave you in good hands. Call me when you’re ready. Stay as long as you want, eh?” She squeezed Liana’s hand before leaving.

  Chris led Liana into the room where a sitting area with a tray of tea was waiting for them. A large window brought in a lot of natural light. Why had she thought she’d be talking in the dark?

  She sat down on the small sofa and accepted a cup of tea. Chris sat opposite her in the armchair.

  “Today is about us getting to know each other a little. You may decide after this session that I’m not the right person to work with you. And that’s fine,” he said. His voice was soft but clear. “I know it was your husband who asked for this appointment, but he assured me that you were going to decide whether you’d come or not. I want to be sure that this is really your decision.”

  She kept her hands on the cup of tea, sensing the warmth rather than feeling it. “It is.” She wasn’t looking at Chris. Instead, her eyes were drawn to the window. A large expanse of blue sky—not quite clear or cloudy—kept her attention for a few seconds. The room remained quiet until Chris spoke. “Why do you want to be here?”

  Liana finally turned her eyes to the man opposite her. She blinked before forcing herself to really study his face again. She opened her mouth to speak, then frowned. She shook her head out of frustration. Say something! But no words came. She brought the tea to her mouth instead, welcoming the heat on her tongue. At least she could feel that.

  “There’s no right or wrong answer here, Liana,” Chris said, encouraging her. “You’ve already made the toughest decision by coming here.”

  The tears started again. She didn’t bother wiping them away. She stared at Chris. “I’m drowning,” she whispered. “I can’t breathe sometimes because there’s this weight in my head. Feels like it’s crushing me, and all I see is black.”

  * * *

  Later that night, after Kelly had turned in, Liana returned to the balcony. She pulled the blanket around her tighter. It was just past midnight. She was mentally exhausted from the morning’s session with Chris, but for the first time in months, there was also clarity. She had pushed for a plan, and he didn’t question her need for one. She heard his cautious feedback: there was no timeline, no clear formula, no guarantees for a full recovery from depression. Everyone was different; each episode of depression would be different.

  She needed to hear Mitch’s voice. She reached for the phone she had brought outside with her.

  Liana: Are you up?

  His response was immediate.

  Mitch: Yes.

  Liana: Can we talk?

  The phone sounded.

  “Baby girl?”

  Liana smiled. She remembered the thrill that shot through her when he first whispered those words to her. They were spoken tenderly, after a night of slow lovemaking, when her body had been worshiped thoroughly. She had lost herself in the love she saw in his eyes when he whispered the endearment. Baby girl. Liana hadn’t thought she was someone who would like such casual monikers. But from him, it meant more. It meant she was his.

  “Hello, Mitch,” she said.

  Silence.

  “Mitch?”

  “Sorry. It’s just... just... that I think that’s the first time in months, when you used my name, that I feel you are really talking to me.”

  Liana sighed. “Oh, Mitch. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for pulling you down with me.”

  “No, don’t apologize. Never apologize for feeling the way you do. Hey, remember, it’s for better or worse.”

  “And it has been the worst, hasn’t it?”

  “But you feel better after today?”

  “I think so... yes... definitely better than yesterday. Today, I finally talked. It’s been too hard before. But today... today, I could. I could finally say what I was feeling.”

  “You like him? Spurgeon?”

  “I do.”

  “You’ll keep seeing him?”

  “Yes,” she nodded. “I will. I have to stay here until I feel I can come home again.”

  “Do you want me there?”

  Liana paused. Her emotions were torn. Her heart said ‘yes’ but her mind said ‘no.’ Before she could say anything, her hesitation prompted Mitch to speak.

  “I’ll take care of Jayne until you’re ready, baby girl. Like we talked about. That was the plan. You just concentrate on getting better.”

  “I will.”

  She heard his hurt. She felt his pain. Liana buried her head in her hands. Damn it. She wanted to go home. But she also heeded his final request.

  She had to get better.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  On the surface, it’d seem that Mitch had settled into a quiet domestic life as a stay-at-home father. Instead, every day, he woke up unsure whether his wife would have the energy to call him. On the days she couldn’t, when her despair was still too great, he found himself facing a fear grown from the unknown.

  After a fortnight, Mitch flew up to see Liana and to meet Chris Spurgeon.

  Chris, at Liana’s request, had spoken to Mitch about her progress. Nothing Mitch learned from him was as tangible as having Liana in his arms again, wanting him—her husband—to be the one to comfort her. He had been afraid there would be no role for him in her recovery.

  Seeing Liana’s progress after a mere two weeks away only fortified his decision to retire from rugby immediately. He met with Club management after his return from Auckland. He didn’t give a reason other than “it was time.” Besides his family, the only people Mitch felt compelled to give a “heads up” to were Connor and Mano. Both men were surprised, but neither asked why. For that, Mitch was grateful. Even his agent wasn’t privy to the real reason.

  Unlike with rugby, however, Mitch didn’t feel like he knew what he was doing. He tried to read some books but threw them away. Chris Spurgeon had given him a list of resources to help spouses of women with postpartum depression, but Mitch didn’t want that kind of help. He decided he was going to trust Liana’s healing to Liana. She had asked him for one thing, and that was to take care of their daughter. And for that, he depended on two people: Cat and his mother.

  After Liana left for Auckland, Helen Molloy announced her intention to fully retir
e at the end of the school year. All her spare time was at Mitch’s disposal, and Mitch was smart enough not to say no to help.

  His mother was sorting out Jayne’s laundry when she heard her son’s yell.

  “Ow! She bites!”

  “Babies do that, sometimes,” Helen said.

  “Is it supposed to hurt?”

  “You don’t complain when a Bokke throws you head first into the ground, but when a baby bites you, you ask me if it’s supposed to hurt? Really, Mitchell?”

  The phone ringing saved Mitch from having to answer. Instead, he sucked on his finger and ignored the look of exasperation on his mother’s face. He tasted blood. She broke skin! Mitch stared at Jayne, who only waved at him. He went from shock to mush in three seconds. The phone rang one more time before he reached it.

  “Hello? Mitch? It’s Moira. Good news. Guy broke his arm.”

  Mitch frowned. He leaned his tall frame against the wall. “I’m not quite sure how to respond to that.”

  Moira continued excitedly. “He’s out for the next two months, so we can come over for Liana’s birthday.”

  Mitch stood up straight. He glanced at the wall calendar, turned it to October then—feeling his mother’s eyes on him—bit back an expletive. This was the big 4-0. “Oh... that’s great,” he said.

  The voice on the other end of the phone was quiet.

  “You forgot, didn’t you?” Moira said.

  Mitch sighed. No point pretending otherwise. “I’d have remembered eventually.”

  “Haven’t you started planning? Never mind. We have a binder.”

  He groaned. “I should have guessed.”

  “I’ll send it to Cat right away. She had a feeling you haven’t started to plan anything.”

  “Should I ask what exactly we’re doing?”

  “It’s Liana. Simple but elegant. I promise.”

  Mitch hesitated, wondering if he should say anything about Liana’s depression. Did she even want to celebrate her birthday?

  “Mitch?”

  “Okay, but I want to clear it with her... no buts, Moira. She’s under a lot of pressure with her decision not to attend the match in Saudi Arabia,” Mitch said, grasping for an explanation. “I just want to make sure, one—she’ll have time to celebrate her birthday, and two—she wants what you planned in the binder.”

  Moira sighed. “It’d be much more fun as a surprise.”

  “No.”

  Later that night, when Liana phoned, Mitch mentioned Moira’s call. When she heard Mitch had vetoed a surprise party, Liana laughed. “And Moira didn’t argue with you?”

  “No.”

  “Well done, Mitch. Even Guy doesn’t get away with that.”

  “I could say something about that’s why he’s the captain of the English team and not the New Zealand team, but I won’t out of respect for your relationship with him.”

  Liana giggled, and Mitch felt a cascade of warmth go through him. He warned himself to be cautious, but that sound—a pure sound—so genuine was something he would cling to. She had sounded stronger and optimistic recently, but his fear of losing her hadn’t diminished.

  “And they all want to come down?” she asked, bringing Mitch back to the present.

  “Yes, though Veronica can’t make it.”

  “Because of the football schedule...”

  “... and Max starting on the TV show.”

  Liana was quiet.

  “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Mitch assured her.

  “I’d love to see everyone again. I miss them, you know. It’d also be a good time to share what we’ve been through these last couple of months.”

  “At your birthday party?”

  “Well, I’ll have everyone’s attention.”

  Given Liana’s desire to have her friends around her again, Mitch gave the green light to Cat and Moira to plan. They were thrilled, but he mentioned Liana was going to be in touch and would plan directly with them. “No surprises and no gifts,” Mitch instructed. He called Mark to emphasize the point; the actor wasn’t pleased but conceded.

  Liana’s absence in Christchurch didn’t go unnoticed by the press. Mitch caught a few of the headlines that wrote of “breakups” and “million-dollar divorces.” The only good thing about those features was that they’d showed recent pictures of Liana, usually entering or exiting the FANZ offices. Sometimes she was photographed with one of the players, and that only fueled speculation. None, however, showed her anywhere near Dr. Spurgeon’s office, much to Mitch’s relief.

  They had kept Liana’s sessions with Dr. Spurgeon private. Except for Kelly, only the family knew. And even then, Liana merely told her grandparents that she was getting some help with stress management. She promised she’d share more when they visit England later in the year. Mitch disagreed with Liana’s decision to keep information from her grandparents, but Liana argued that would cause undue stress on them. “They can’t help me,” she said. “Only I can get myself out of this.”

  Mitch, meanwhile, continued to struggle with his role as a virtual single dad. He was on the bed swing with Jayne when Cat and Fred stopped by one afternoon. Liana had now been in Auckland for almost a month.

  “What are you doing here?” Mitch whispered as he nodded to the now sleeping baby.

  “Liana asked me to stop by to get you out of the house. I have a mummy play-group this afternoon. Come along.”

  She held her hand up to stop Mitch from saying anything. “I’ve been instructed by your wife to pull out all the stops and get you out of the house. Please don’t make me sell the photos I have of you and Connor in drag.”

  “Blackmail, Cat?”

  “Liana said whatever it takes. And you know she’s a pretty formidable woman to deal with.”

  “Jayne’s only three months old. She doesn’t need a playgroup.”

  “No, you do.”

  “Cat...”

  “If you’re like most new stay-at-home parents, you’ve just realized you don’t have many friends who are free to do things with you right now.”

  She was right. If they weren’t training, the boys he’d have usually do things with were busy, either with the other single people in their lives or with their own young families. They were also all active rugby players. He didn’t belong in that world anymore.

  An hour later, he was sitting on a park bench having a conversation with the one other father in the group. When they shook hands, Shane Shepard had the biggest smile on his face, but it wasn’t for the reason Mitch was used to.

  “Finally, another dad. Where did you find this one, Cat?” Shane asked.

  “Home alone, of course,” Cat said. But Shane took the comment seriously. He turned back to face Mitch. “It’s good you got out of the house. I think our son was almost nine months old before I realized the only conversation I was having during the day was with him. And he wasn’t quite interested in my opinions on philosophy.”

  Mitch learned that Shane was a former teacher whose wife worked for an international real estate developer. Shane had stayed home with their first child because they were late getting on all the lists for childcare. When they had the twins, it just made more sense for him to continue to stay home while his wife, the higher income earner, concentrated on her career.

  “You get teased by your mates, yet?” Shane asked.

  Mitch didn’t hide his disbelief at the question. Shane grinned, holding his hands up in a mock apology. “Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to for a moment.”

  “Have you?” Mitch asked.

  “Not to my face. But I had a feeling there were a few comments behind my back. My own father thought we were crazy. Back then, I didn’t know any other man who stayed home on purpose. But there are a few of us now.”

  Afterward, on the drive home, Mitch thought about Shane’s comment. Who do men look for as a parenting role model? While he loved his father, it was his mum who had shaped his childhood.

  As if reading his m
ind, Cat spoke. “Shane could be really helpful for you. He’s been at home with his kids for five years now.”

  “He seems like a good bloke,” Mitch said. He realized Cat had missed the turn that would have taken them to his house. “Where are we going?”

  Cat grinned. “Con leaves for training camp tomorrow. We haven’t had you over in a while.”

  “Connor’s idea?”

  “He doesn’t know I’ve just kidnapped you. In fact, I didn’t know I was going to do it until five seconds ago. But what I really want to know is when is Liana coming back?”

  Mitch looked out of the window, but his thoughts were miles away, in Auckland. He wondered what Liana was thinking, saying, doing....

  “What’s going on, Mitch?” Cat asked. “Liana won’t answer that question, either. I know she wasn’t to start the shuttling between here and Auckland for another month. Or at least, that’s what I remember her telling me. What changed?”

  Mitch stayed silent, a response Cat obviously didn’t like. Her fingers began to tap at a hurried pace on the steering wheel. At the next red light, she quickly phoned home. “Connor? Darl—will you be home in fifteen minutes? I think Mitch has something to tell us.”

  Mitch stared at Cat. She returned the stare, unflinching. She really would have made a great rugby player. Cat raised her chin, her voice firm, “Something’s going on, Mitch Molloy. And I want to know what. What have you done, Mitch? What did you do?”

  “What are you going on about?”

  The light turned green. Cat returned her eyes to the road. “I mean it. Liana’s the best thing that could have happened to you. You better not have broken her heart because, dammit, she loves you.”