Fearless

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Yeah, the very fact that Gabe flipped should have given me a hint. After all, the guy had just visited hell and back. To say his life had been an emotional roller coaster for the last few months would be a huge understatement. It probably didn’t help that in the process I’d given him, what? Two black eyes? Hey, that’s what friends do. They punch you in the face when you act like a jackass.

  “It’s creepy.” Gabe sniffed and looked around the white room. “You know those movies where people go to heaven and everything’s white?”

  “Yeah?” I touched some of the flowers sitting on the table. “What about them?”

  “We are freaking in that movie dude, I’m a bit worried the door’s going to close on me and then a trapdoor on the floor’s going to open revealing the fires of hell and a booming voice is going to come on the loud speaker and say ‘MAKE YOUR CHOICE!’”

  “Paging Doctor Smith,” boomed a voice over the loud speaker in the ceiling

  With a giant-assed start, Gabe grabbed my arm and let out a streak of curses.

  I burst out laughing as I lifted his hand and dropped it. “You still worried they don’t want you upstairs?”

  “Cautious.” Gabe pointed at me and rolled his eyes. “Just cautious.”

  “Everything ready?” My dad came barreling in, JoBob and Sandy in tow. Even though we were loaded, we’d had a hell of a time actually getting all the big shots at the hospital to agree to this. But honestly? Any other way and it wouldn’t make sense.

  I hoped Kiersten would realize that.

  Saylor popped into the room and shut the door behind her. “Okay Lisa has Kiersten in the car and they’re driving in this direction, so everyone?” She waved her hands into the air.

  “She dancing?” I asked Gabe.

  He tilted his head and squinted at her then shook his head. “Not sure.”

  Saylor sighed in irritation. “Just get in your places like we practiced last night.”

  “That was fun.” Gabe smirked. “Last night.”

  “Can we not?” I smacked him on the shoulder. “Wedding day? Hello?”

  “Sorry.” He licked his lips and winked at Saylor who in turn blushed so red that I was convinced she was going to stop breathing altogether and pass out on the table. Hey, at least we were close to the hospital.

  I tugged at my tie again and told myself to calm down.

  But instead of calming down, my heart slammed against my chest. Funny, how I’d come so close to never having that feeling ever again. Yet there it was, slamming in perfect cadence. Announcing to the rest of my body that I was nervous, that I was excited. It’s funny, we all have hearts, but do we ever truly listen to them?

  Its’ true, death had made me all kinds of philosophical, swear it made Gabe want to strangle me most the time.

  But the question remained. How often do we hear our hearts and stop to appreciate the fact that it’s been beating solid, strong, for our entire lives? God willing, your heart never stops until you finally die. It beats harder when you’re sick, it beats softer when you sleep, it beats harder again when you’re excited, and sometimes it physically hurts when you’re in pain.

  Your heart isn’t just a muscle.

  Though I’m sure people would disagree with me.

  Your heart is everything. Why else would God ask for it first? I mean, why not ask for your mind? Your soul? Instead, God asks for our hearts. Our significant others ask for our hearts. Family…they ask for our hearts. Friends ask for our hearts.

  It’s not just a muscle.

  I truly believed that the heart stored the essence of everything a person possessed. The human body didn’t start with the brain or the legs…no…when we were conceived…the first thing doctors searched for?

  The heartbeat.

  When you get married…you don’t just ask for your wife’s hand. The first thing you search for? Her heart.

  When you’re sick. The doctor doesn’t ask about your heart—he listens to it.

  Seems to me like we’ve had it wrong all these years.

  If you have a heart—I guarantee—there’s someone out there who wants it. Who’s searching for it. Who dreams about it.

  “Wes?” Gabe knocked me in the shoulder. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, just thinking about…things,” I lied.

  “Well,” he said, sighing. “Pretty sure all thinking will cease the minute that girl walks through that door.”

  “Oh yeah?” I smirked. “Why?”

  Gabe gave me a knowing grin.

  Kiersten walked through the door, her eyes already pouring tears down her cheeks.

  And then I looked at the bouquet she was holding.

  Red roses. In the shape of a heart.

  She was holding my heart.

  Chapter Five

  He’d given me his heart a long time ago—and now I was giving it back, not because I didn’t want it. But because I wanted to share it. With him. Forever.—Kiersten

  Kiersten

  When Lisa drove me up to the hospital, my first thought was something had happened to Wes. Funny, how you think you can be totally over something. And then one tiny little thing happens and immediately you’re back to that place. I wondered if PTSD was like that.

  You live your life every day, going through the motions, and then BOOM! Something suddenly happens to throw you off kilter and the only thing you want to do is go sit in a corner and rock back and forth.

  When she parked and didn’t start crying or saying that we were there because the man I loved was dying—again. I lost it.

  Too close to home.

  I wanted to leave.

  Actually, I wanted to smack Wes and then I wanted to leave. How dare he scare me like that!

  “Hey!” Lisa grabbed my hand. “You need to do this.”

  “I don’t want to.” I knew I sounded like a whiny child, and Wes had probably gone to a lot of trouble to use the little chapel at the hospital. But I didn’t…I couldn’t. My throat felt thick as I tried to swallow.

  I hadn’t had a panic attack in a really long time.

  But being back in that hospital, even in the parking garage, was doing some serious damage to my nervous system.

  I didn’t want to stay and fight. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run in the opposite direction of the memories of Wes lying in that hospital bed. Of the look on his face when he said goodbye. My breath hitched in my chest as my stomach clenched with fear.

  Of the tears in his eyes when he wasn’t sure if it was going to be for a few hours—or forever.

  I sniffled.

  Lisa handed me a tissue and started slowly rubbing my back. “Talk to me, Kiersten.”

  “It feels like yesterday,” I whispered. “I’m terrified that when I walk in that door, he’s going to be back in that hospital bed, or worse, something’s going to happen. I just—I know it’s not logical but I don’t feel very logical right now.”

  “It’s your wedding day.” Lisa shrugged. “Who says you have to be logical?”

  I smiled through my tears.

  “If it makes you feel better.” She continued rubbing my back, totally something my mom would have done. I loved that girl, I would seriously die for Lisa, and I think she knew that. “I haven’t gone back either.”

  “To the hospital?”

  “No.” She stopped rubbing for a minute. “Home. I haven’t faced my demons at all. It doesn’t make it easier you know.”

  “Are you sure?” My lips trembled as a few tears ran over them.

  “Positive.” Lisa handed me another tissue. “Just because you avoid something, doesn’t make it disappear. I think we’d like to imagine life works that way. But I’m sure if I went back home…everything would be just how I left it and I’d be bombarded with the same memories, the same regrets, the giant never really dies Kiersten, not until you throw the damn rock.”

  “Nice metaphor. Hanging out with Wes too much I see.”

  Lisa snorted. “Swear his philosophies just rub off o
n everyone in his path.”

  I twisted the tissue between my hands. “Your giants…what are they?”

  A troubled expression clouded her eyes, and Lisa sighed. “They’re ugly.”

  “Like the ones you see in movies?”

  “Yeah, Kiersten, like the ones with giant warts and giant feet and…” She shuddered. “There’s a very good reason I came up to Seattle.” Her smile was forced. “Look at it this way. At least you have someone willing to fight alongside you. And he’s waiting inside.”

  “What about you? Where’s your partner?”

  Lisa was silent for a minute, then she reached for the handle to open the car door. “He no longer exists.”

  She didn’t offer any more information, but the momentary distraction of her story was enough to get me out of the car and walking towards the elevator.

  The smell of medicine burned my nostrils.

  We rode the elevator up to the main floor, but when the doors should have opened it just kept going.

  “Um?” I pointed at the buttons. “Did we miss our floor?”

  “Nope.” Lisa looked straight ahead, a smile curving at her lips.

  When the doors opened—it was to floor where they had performed Wes’s surgery. I’d remember it anywhere. The nurses’ station was decorated with so many flowers it was almost impossible to see their heads as they waved at me from the table.

  A banner hung across the hallway. “Wes and Kiersten.” There were hearts on either side of our names.

  Music started playing from somewhere. My legs had officially stopped working—so much that Lisa had to push me. I walked numbly towards the nurses station, as each of them stood directly in my path, holding a rose.

  A song started to play over the loudspeaker or it sounded like it, the music was slow, eerie, gentle as it softly played in cadence with my footsteps as I neared the nurses.

  Every nurse held out a single rose, and I accepted them from each in turn as I passed, still holding onto my sense of numbness. Lisa took the roses from me and placed them in a type of bouquet. I couldn’t make out the shape.

  “We’re so proud of you guys.” One of the nurses who had been in the operating room pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

  Okay, so Wes was seriously trying to make it so that I had no makeup by the time I saw him.

  As I collected the last rose—I think around ten nurses total had each handed me one of the red flowers—I found myself at the end of the line.

  The doctor that had performed the surgery stood waiting.

  He was the one who had spent countless hours making sure the love of my life survived.

  I hadn’t been back to the hospital.

  I’d thanked him.

  But I hadn’t really thanked him.

  Without thinking, I threw myself against his chest and wound my arms around his neck. He went completely still for a minute and then returned my hug.

  “Thank you…” I whispered, warm tears streaming down my cheeks. “Thank you for saving his life.”

  The doctor gently pried me away and handed me five red roses and whispered, “I wish I could take credit.” His eyes blurred with tears. “But some hearts—don’t need help to keep beating.”

  He stepped out of the way, and Lisa handed me my bouquet. It was all the roses, arranged together in the shape of a heart.

  Wes’s heart.

  In the palm of my hands. Where it had been all along.

  We walked up to the room where Wes’s surgery had taken place.

  When the door opened, Wes was staring straight at me. His smile wide—he looked gorgeous in his black suit.

  He held out his hands and whispered, “Where we thought we may see the end—”

  “—we write ‘The Beginning’.” I finished.

  Chapter Six

  I wonder how many times we think our lives are over—how many instances we scream at the top of our lungs when things aren’t going our way…how often, do you think, the reason for things not going our way is because there’s a bigger plan we can’t see yet? A bigger destiny we could have never possibly imagined for ourselves? Maybe…we’d be a lot happier, if we were silent more. –Wes Michels

  Wes

  “Lamb?” I tilted her chin towards me then brushed a soft kiss across her lips. Her mouth trembled.

  “Yes?” Kiersten grinned through a tear-stained face. “Big bad wolf?”

  “No blowing houses down,” I teased. “I’d rather build one with you. How’s that for changing my ways?”

  Kiersten threw her arms around me and squeezed my neck.

  A few throats cleared.

  “Right.” I stepped away. “So we should probably get married now.”

  Her face was tear-stained—and gorgeous. She nodded and let me lead her farther into the surgical room where our families were standing. Everyone was standing near the wall—everyone but Uncle Jobob, who was standing by himself holding a bible in hand.

  Kiersten gave me a confused look.

  I just shrugged my shoulders and continued walking. We stopped once we reached JoBob.

  “Your parents…” Uncle JoBob started, his voice loud, and clear as it echoed throughout the room. “…would be so proud of you.” His eyes shimmered with tears.

  I gripped Kiersten’s hand. My heart performed a little flip at the fact that I was actually going to be marrying her in a few minutes. And that dress? It was gorgeous. Exactly what Lisa had described. Simple in its form. It was head to toe silk, with a lace overlay. It didn’t take away form Kiersten’s beauty—nothing ever could—but merely added to it. She wore her hair piled around her head, wisps of red fluttering around her face and loose strands trailing down her back.

  She was like ice cream. Like a chocolate cake. Like the perfect desert.

  “We are gathered here,” Uncle Jobob said.

  Kiersten’s mouth fell open. “You’re marrying us?”

  “—sweetheart, don’t interrupt the man marrying us,” I whispered with a gentle laugh.

  “Rude,” Gabe said from behind me. “Seems wolf failed to teach lamb manners.”

  “Go back in your shell, turtle,” Lisa murmured.

  I burst out laughing while Uncle Jobob gave us a stern look then glanced at my dad who was also trying to hide his amusement.

  “As I was saying…” Uncle Jobob glared at Kiersten and continued. “We’re gathered here to celebrate the life of Wes and Kiersten and their desire to join together as one.” His hands trembled as he held them out in front of him. “Love is often measured unfairly. People throw the word around so flippantly that society rarely gets a true glimpse of what it means to love something—to love someone so much that it’s the basis for your entire existence. To love someone so much that you’d be willing to trade places—even in death. Well, I can’t imagine a stronger type of love than that of sacrifice. So your marriage, Wes and Kiersten, is not only a celebration of a new beginning, but of the sacrificial love you share with each other.”

  JoBob dabbed his face with a tissue and went on, “Gabe, the rings.”

  Gabe stepped around me and handed the four rings to JoBob.

  “Wes, wanted to do things a little different.” He winked at Kiersten. “So, son, I’ll just let you take it from here with your vows.”

  He handed me the three rings that would belong to Kiersten.

  Looking into her green eyes was so distracting it was hard to remember what I was going to say. My entire body shook with the emotion of the moment. I would never get this moment again. I wanted to do it right—the first time.

  “The first ring,” I murmured, sliding the platinum diamond encrusted band up her finger, “represents your past. Your parents, your life in Bickelton, your first year at college, and finally the hospital room. There are ten diamonds in this band, representing every item you put on your bucket list. These diamonds are a reminder of how far you’ve come.” I cleared my throat and slipped the next band on her finger. This one was a three
-carat solitaire. “This band is the present. This moment. Right now. Every time you look down at this ring, I want you to remember the way you looked on this day. The way you made me feel. And since you can’t see yourself and since you can’t read my mind…” Tears filled Kiersten’s eyes as I gripped her hand tighter. “You look like an angel. Like the first person a dying man would see when he was granted access into heaven. Your skin is glowing so much that it almost hurts to look at you, the way your hair falls against that same glowing skin is so distracting that I don’t know where to look first. Your eyes are really clear, because you’ve been crying, and your lips are a bit swollen from licking them too much, something you do when you get nervous.” I placed her hand over my heart. “And right now I feel like I can do anything. My heart feels strong for you, my desire isn’t just to marry you and let this be our moment, Kiersten. I want to marry you and create a million moments every single day. Which is why…” I slipped on the next ring. It matched the first one. “This ring has ten stones. I figure that we should just keep it an even number when it comes to lists. Just because the last list was finished, doesn’t mean we can’t create a new one. On this list, I see kids, careers, our first house, possibly our first big fight where you make me sleep on the couch. This last ring is our future, Kiersten. We complete our lists together, we complete our life together. This is what we have to look forward to. Blank pages just waiting to be filled with our story. And the cool part? We don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can make a promise to you right now. Your hand’s going to be in mine the entire time. Kiersten, I swear to never let you go. Through sickness, through health, through happy times, through sad times. I’m yours.”

  JoBob handed my band to Kiersten, she took it and looked down than looked back up at me. “I don’t—I didn’t prepare anything, there was no time and—”

  “Words were never needed between us, Kiersten,” I said softly. “You know that. I can hear your heart. That’s all that matters.” I rested my hand against her chest and smiled as she slowly took my other hand. She squinted at the writing on the band.