Fearless

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “It says my name?”

  “Yeah.”

  “With a heart?”

  “Just in case I need you to keep me going and you aren’t around.” I smiled. “I’ll just look down and remember, you’re with me. Forever. Always.”

  “I am.” Kiersten slipped the ring on my finger and then placed her hand over mine.

  “By the power vested in me from Randy Michels and that handy little online tutorial…” JoBob winked. “I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Wes Michels. Son, you kiss that bride of yours.”

  Our mouths collided, meeting in the middle. Kind of how our relationship was, the perfect give and take.

  My fingers dug into Kiersten’s hair as I pulled her closer to me.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck.

  I couldn’t stop kissing her.

  Time paused for me—in that moment it was like the sun had stopped shining, the earth had stopped its movement on its axis.

  Out of the corner of my eye¸ I saw the table.

  The very table that I had lain on months ago.

  I remembered the cold metal of the instruments they hooked me up to, the slow steady beat of my heart on the monitor.

  Kiersten stepped back from me, turning our kiss into a hug. Everyone clapped but my eyes were still on the table.

  Angela had held my hand as I fell asleep.

  Funny, because she held my hand during the surgery. I’d felt it. I had felt her warm palm, the imprint of the ring against my skin.

  I could have lost my faith in that moment, instead I chose to believe that I couldn’t control the outcome and just trusted in the hand that was holding mine. Sometimes that’s all we have. A hand.

  But most the time.

  If we’re being completely honest with ourselves.

  It’s all we really need.

  My eyes flickered to the door. I could have sworn in that moment, I saw a nurse with blonde hair smiling, and then, as if I’d just imagined it, the figure disappeared.

  My dad moved to stand in front of me, and pulled me in for a hug. “Your mom would have been so proud.”

  I smiled and stared at the door. “Yeah. I know.

  Chapter Seven

  Our steps define us—whether they take us in the direction towards what we want the most—or away from what we love. Our entire lives are based on steps and stages. Funny thing, feet. You control them. –Kiersten Michels

  Lisa

  Wes and Kiersten made their way through the crowded hallway, hugging doctors, nurses, patients. It was like watching a really sad Hallmark commercial or something. Not that it was sad, more of a happy sad. My smile was frozen a bit on my face—actually it was starting to hurt…bad. I wondered how actors did it. How did they act happy when they were torn up inside? I would have been the worst actress on the planet.

  Even as a model I hadn’t been that great, thus the reason for nobody really recognizing me when I moved up to Seattle. I’d dyed my hair and grown out of my lankiness into more of an athletic build. To a model—that was a curse. Muscle tone! Oh no! But for me? It was as if I had finally been given a gift from above. Finally, I was able to look in the mirror and see someone other than that girl from so many years ago.

  “Hey!” Gabe wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You look…off.”

  “Ah…” I turned my head to meet his gaze and gave him a friendly pat on the chest. “Music to every girl’s ears.”

  Gabe’s gaze narrowed. “What happened?”

  The guy looked less haunted these days, as if he’d finally caught a break and was able to live a normal existence where he wasn’t always worrying about keeping his secret. That’s just what he didn’t need, more drama. I slung out from underneath his arm and penetrating gaze and shrugged. “I’m pregnant.”

  “WHAT!” he roared.

  I burst out laughing. Wow! I’d so needed that. Veins I didn’t even know existed popped up on Gabe’s forehead and neck. I took pity on him and winked “I’m kidding.”

  “Hilarious.” He coughed a few times and then leaned over as though he had to catch his breath. “Never again Lisa, or swear I’m going to lock you up. Okay?”

  “Um, okay?” I rubbed his back and winked at Saylor who was watching our exchange in amusement from her discussion with her mom over at the nurses’ station.

  “So…” Gabe stood to his full height. “What’s really bothering you?”

  “Nothing,” I lied, pasting a smile on my face. Everything was bothering me. Every damn thing. But it was stupid. I mean compared to everyone else’s drama, my little insecurity and inability to forget my shady past really wasn’t that big of a deal.

  “Look…” Gabe lowered his voice and continued. “I know it’s hard, with Wes and Kiersten getting married, and me and Saylor…if you need to talk it’s totally fine and—”

  “Holy crap, Gabe!” I smacked at him and stepped away. “Clearly I’m not acting like myself if you feel the need to go all therapist on my ass! Geez, I get that enough with Kiersten and Wes. Do you even realize how hard it is hanging out with those two constantly bugging me?”

  Gabe narrowed his eyes. “Um yeah? I was their target for a whole year, remember?”

  “It’s not that.” I crossed my arms. “I think I’m just exhausted from school and stuff. Maybe I need a vacation.”

  “So go on vacation.” He made it sound so easy so simple.

  “By myself?” I whispered and rolled my eyes. “Sounds like loads of fun.”

  “Take the girls.”

  “Honeymoon.”

  “Are you just going to reject every awesome idea I have?” Gabe countered.

  “No.” I scratched my head. “You know what, yeah, a vacation. Maybe I’ll do that. Um, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

  I strolled away from him as fast as my black heels would take me. Each step helped me breathe a little easier. Maybe that was it. Their happiness was suffocating me or something.

  Hands shaking, I stabbed the elevator button and quickly got in.

  The elevator made it all the way to the second floor then started shaking. The lights flickered and the little alarm went off.

  Trying not to panic, I counted to three and then pressed the main lobby button again.

  Nothing.

  A voice came over the intercom. “Sorry ma’am, minor electrical issue. We’ll have you out in no time.”

  Shit!

  The last time I had been stuck in an elevator, things had not ended well. Honest moment, things hadn’t started well either, but still…

  Was this how God was repaying me? Karma was a bitch.

  I went over to the corner and closed my eyes. I tried to hum a song, then I checked my cell phone. Of course no service. Naturally. Where the hell was that nerdy little man in those cell phone commercials saying “Can you hear me now?” NO man with black glasses and way too many friends, I can’t freaking hear you and if I don’t get out of this tiny little shoebox of death I’m going to freak the EF OUT! Swear it felt like the walls of my throat were closing in right along with the walls of the elevator. I punched the wall above the control panel, right because punching things always made them work. I’d karate chop its ass and take the chance of slicing my hand up if I knew it would work.

  Struggling for my next breath, I smacked the elevator door around five times, making my hand sting like crazy. When the elevator still didn’t budge, I slowly sank to my knees and let out a little sob.

  It wasn’t the elevator.

  It wasn’t even the wedding or Gabe.

  It was me.

  I was the problem. I was always the problem…

  He had peppermint-flavored gum—I could still taste it. I coughed a bit and then gagged—crap I was going to puke.

  The darkness was the worse—not being able to really see him that well since the electricity was out—but knowing he was touching me, feeling his hands on my hips as they slid across my skin.

  Shivering, I continued holding my knees
and squeezed my eyes shut as his laughter penetrated into my soul.

  I hated him…

  Hated him so much it made me want to scream—how do you even hate someone who doesn’t exist anymore?

  Yet there I was in a stupid elevator, rocking back and forth like a lunatic.

  “Ma’am, just a few more minutes.” Someone said over the speaker.

  I didn’t trust myself to speak.

  Minutes later, the elevator jolted to the lobby floor and the doors slid open. I got up off my butt and bolted for the main doors to the hospital. I was a bit impressed with my ability to run in high heels. Had Gabe seen me, he would have yelled that I was going to break my neck. Hah! No death for me. Because the last thing I wanted was to join…him in the afterlife.

  Shivering, I started the car and made my way back towards campus. It was September, classes were starting that week, and I still hadn’t gotten my schedule together.

  I parked by the student center and marched towards the doors, my high heels clicking against the pavement. I could do this. I was confident. I wasn’t Mel anymore. I was Lisa, a college student, free from my past, free from the memories of him, free from everything that held me back—that kept me in LA when it was slowly killing me inside.

  Not really paying attention to anything except for walking and breathing at the same time, considering the whole elevator incident was hell on my frazzled nerves, I jerked open the door to the center and was nearly knocked on my ass by someone pushing the same door I was pulling.

  I stumbled backwards. “Hey watch where you’re—”

  “Mel?”

  My entire body froze—instantly paralyzed with fear. It was one of those moments you experience when you’re a little kid and you hear a freaky noise down the hall. You’re so terrified you just—pause. All you can feel is your heart beating against your chest, and your own ragged breathing. Ginger and caramel colored hair, grey eyes—oh, God the eyes. Muscles lining every part of his body. Hulking shoulders. Hands, huge hands. My body shook at the memory of hands just like that, touching me, pushing me, hands I’d trusted—hands I’d at one time in my life—loved. The guy in front of me reached out, just as instinct kicked in.

  I turned on those tall heels and ran like hell back towards my car. It took me four tries to get the key in the ignition. I sped out of the parking lot and turned in the direction of the dorms.

  My body was still shaking by the time I pulled up in front of my place. I couldn’t call Kiersten. She’d just gotten married. Wes would kill me.

  Gabe was already married so…did that mean he was fair game?

  He’d kill me if I didn’t call him.

  I chewed my lower lip and then finally, with trembling hands, dialed Gabe’s number.

  “Hey, where’d you go?”

  “He’s here.” My voice quivered. “He’s here, Gabe.”

  “Who?”

  “T-Taylor!”

  “Sweetheart…” Gabe sighed. “He’s dead, remember?”

  “No!” I hit the steering wheel. I wasn’t crazy. I knew what I’d seen—who I’d seen. I had seen the guy who ruined my life—who ended his own. I saw him! “I’m not crazy.”

  Swearing, Gabe whispered into the phone, “Where are you?”

  “The dorms.” I looked behind me just to make sure he hadn’t followed. Right, because it was totally possible for a human to chase a car two miles and actually arrive at the same time. Then again, ghosts could do just about anything right?

  “I’ll be right there.”

  “I’m going crazy.” Saying it out loud made it scarier. “Aren’t I?”

  Gabe didn’t say anything for a bit and then sighed heavily into the phone. “You’re not going crazy. You’re just really stressed, okay Lisa?”

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

  “Is it possible you saw someone who looked kind of like Taylor?” he asked gently.

  “I guess, but he knew my name! My real name!”

  “Lisa, I hate to break it to you but half the known universe knows your name right now—especially after the story about me went viral for months. It’s going to happen.”

  I breathed a little easier. “So maybe it was just…me being…stressed?”

  “Lisa, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends. Planning everything for the wedding, keeping Kiersten in the dark. Do me a favor?”

  I rolled my eyes. “What?”

  “Relax. Go to your room, make yourself some hot chocolate, take a shower, and read a magazine. Just unplug for a bit. Classes don’t start for another day. Just take time for yourself. You deserve it. We’ve all been through hell this last year.”

  My eyes searched the parking lot again.

  No Taylor.

  So I was either stressed, or I was losing it. I chose to believe it was stress, going crazy so wasn’t in my life plan!

  “Thanks, Gabe.” I slowly unlocked my door and started getting out of the car. “I’m sorry for interrupting you guys.”

  “Lisa…” Gabe’s voice was soft. “You’re not an interruption. I’d die for you. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah.” My lower lip trembled. “I do.” I cracked a smile. “Best cousin ever.”

  “Ha-ha,” he teased. “Very funny.”

  “I’ll just…go see about that bath now.”

  “Do it. I want to hear all about your relaxing evening later on okay?”

  “Deal.”

  “Bye, cousin.”

  “Bye, turtle.”

  We hung up. I slowly walked towards the dorms and shook my head. Yeah, I was just stressed. Either that or I was going to give that little kid in Sixth Sense a run for his money because I totally saw dead people.

  Real cool.

  With a practiced smile, I slid my keycard over the pad and went into the building. Inside was some hot chocolate with my name on it.

  Chapter Eight

  When you hear bad news it’s like a literal punch to the stomach—no seriously, your body will create a physical response to your emotional trauma. When you’re heartbroken—you’re chest will actually hurt. Doctors believe that it’s possible to die from heartache, kind of makes you wonder the opposite right? Take for example a heart that’s so full, so alive, so vibrant, so—overjoyed, that it decides to skip a beat, pump a little bit longer, a little bit harder, a little bit…more than the way it was created to be. I think that’s my heart—No I know that’s my heart. When I see Kiersten. My heart is the opposite of broken—it’s full.—Wes Michels

  Wes

  “So…” I brought Kiersten’s fingertips to my lips and gave them a little kiss, but it wasn’t enough, so I tasted…each and every one.

  Funny how a person can actually taste a certain way, to me, she tasted like heaven, which is kind of ironic since I’m pretty sure last year this time I should have been charging towards those pearly gates—or would have been had I not met her. She was my savior, miracle or not. The very fact that she’d said yes to my proposal? And that we were married?

  Yeah, forget surviving cancer.

  I just married the most beautiful woman God ever created—period.

  “So?” Kiersten giggled. “Were you gonna finish that thought or just daydream a bit? What’s going on in Wes Michels Land, hmm?” She winked and then withdrew her hand from mine, placing it in her lap.

  We’d just gotten into the car and already I was nervous about the rest of the night—not because I didn’t know what I was doing but because I’d built up so much anticipation for this very day that, now she had said yes? And she was my wife? Well all those emotions came charging down leaving me totally wiped.

  It was hell trying to hide my yawn.

  Kiersten ran her fingers through my hair as I pulled onto the freeway. “You look tired.”

  “I look awesome,” I corrected. “And…satisfied.”

  “Oh.” Kiersten shrugged. “So I guess that means you don’t need this?”

  I merged into the carpool lane and
glanced in her direction. Dangling. White. Lace. Bra. Holy mother of—

  “Wes!” Kiersten laughed. “Stay in your lane!”

  I screeched to the middle lane then almost slammed on my brakes just because my body was clearly losing all ability to function. It was like adrenaline surged through all the wrong parts forcing me to slam on the brakes while simultaneously wanting to reach over and pull Kiersten into my lap and just—I don’t know, I honestly couldn’t get past the white, the lace. Shit, why was I repeating myself? IN MY HEAD.

  “Uhhh…” Throat dry I tried clearing it, but it only made things worse.

  “Water?” Kiersten handed me a bottled water. Thank God.

  I took a sip just as she hiked up her dress and showed me her garter.

  The water sprayed out of my mouth onto the steering wheel of my Porsche Cayenne.

  I hacked, I coughed, I hacked again, then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand all the while Kiersten laughed her ass off and continued flashing parts of her body.

  Cursing, I took the next exit.

  “Where are we going?” Kiersten’s laughter died down as she glanced out the window at the Sound. “A parking lot? We’re pulling up into a parking lot?”

  Words weren’t really my thing at that moment. I was more of an action guy anyway, right? I nodded, screeched into a parking spot, threw off my seatbelt, and launched my body across the console, pulling Kiersten towards me with such force that I probably would have bruised her chin had my lips landed anywhere else but on hers.

  Ah, that taste.

  With a groan, I moved my left hand down her thigh. Coming into contact with that one garter was hell on my imagination.

  Because, naturally there were two.

  Because she had two legs.

  Holy—there were two.

  Garters.

  I kissed her harder.

  “What else?” I panted, grabbing at the back of her head with my right hand, tugging her hair, pulling at whatever I could to get her closer. “What else do you have?”

  Kiersten pulled back, her face appearing innocent. Right. Nothing innocent about what was going through my mind because of that little stunt. Didn’t help that her face was flushed, her color peaked. Damn, what I wouldn’t’ do to be able to kiss her senseless right about now. “What do you mean?”