Return to Paradise

by Laina Villeneuve

  I stopped wiping my hands and crossed my arms across my chest. “The wrong impression…”

  “That she’s…well, that she’s like you.”

  “You say that like there’s something wrong with my being a lesbian.”

  She thrust her hands to her hips. “Well, it’s not my place to say, but look at you. You could have any man you wanted.”

  “You’re right. It’s none of your business.”

  “But what man is going to want a woman who does a man’s job?”

  If she didn’t shut her trap, I was going to do something I’d regret. I held up my hand. “Shawneen, stop. This has nothing to do with me.”

  “But it does. I see the way you look at her, and it’s not right.”

  The last thing I needed was a woman I’d barely tolerated for years standing in my shop telling me how to live my life. I’d put up with her crap long enough. “You can leave now.”

  “I am just asking you to think about Madison’s future. What is Hagen supposed to think if she’s too busy with you to see him? I’m sure you don’t want to ruin her chance of a future with him.”

  “Madison’s future is her own choice,” I said between clenched teeth.

  “I’m her mother. Why do you think she came back after all these years? I can help her.”

  My mind flashed back to the phone call Madison made to say she had a problem only I could help her with, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “You think that’s funny?” Shawneen spat.

  “If you need help with your Nova, I’m your gal. I’m sorry, when it comes to Madison, I don’t see a problem, so you’re wasting your breath. Leave my shop.”

  “You think it’s wise to talk to a customer that way?” she challenged.

  “I think if you want me putting any more of my time into a car I care about a whole lot more than you do, you’ll turn around and leave.”

  “Don’t forget what I said,” she threatened before she slammed the car door Madison and I had tracked down for her, hours I had not billed her for since it was a chance for me to spend time with Madison.

  I grabbed the keys to Mrs. Owens’s Ford, trying to stop my brain spinning. Before Shawneen interrupted, I’d been so excited to solve the vibration problem, but now my blood was boiling. I gripped the keys hard trying to distract myself with the bite of the metal. It didn’t help. I’d reached my limit and threw the keys across the shop. I swung my leg back to kick something, anything, but realized how with my doors open I was very much on display. Raging through my back entrance, I slammed the door. It felt so good, I opened it and slammed it again, growling on the other side of the closed door.

  If Hagen had been there, I would have very much liked to bash his head in with a very large wrench. I sat down in the hallway, chest heaving, hands clenched. I pulled out my phone. Madison had to tell Shawneen that we were a couple. I wasn’t going to do it and out Madison, but I wasn’t going to put up with Shawneen threatening me either. Shaking, my thumb hovered over the call button. I was too angry.

  Midnight lazed down the hall mewing. I raised my hand, and she walked under it, arching her back as she snaked back and forth. Her purring recalibrated my heart rate. I finally calmed down to realize that this was yet another example of Shawneen manipulating me. Now close enough to five to justify closing up, I pulled the doors and shut off the lights with a promise to return tomorrow in a more productive frame of mind.

  I showered as my mind drifted to Hope and Dani’s monthly games night in a few hours, seeing Madison there and then spending the evening doing far more than what friends do. Feeling foolish for letting Shawneen get to me, I hummed along the familiar route out to Madison’s place in a much-improved mood. I would have buzzed up the hill after turning left into the drive as I usually did if Houdini hadn’t been standing on the little bridge, one leg cocked and fast asleep.

  That’s when I saw them walking across the field. My gaze dropped to their hands. Not linked. Had I really thought she’d be holding his hand? I hated myself for even looking. I knew she didn’t like him, but I couldn’t understand what she was doing walking the pasture with him. We’d walked that same pasture, and I’d been thinking about kissing her the whole time, my body alive next to her. I had hoped she’d asked me to take a look at the place because she was interested in me, so why was she now walking it again with Hagen?

  It did not sit well with me to be the tucked-away lesbian lover. I’d done that for too long with the woman in Chico. A long-distance girlfriend had been easy for her to hide away. Was Madison parading around with Hagen to hide what was building between us? Was she trying to build a public façade to hide her private life?

  She waved to me. Of course she saw me in the Bug, and she would have heard its distinctive engine a mile away. I sat as they approached. Did she have any idea that the two of them looked like a couple? Call me paranoid, but it didn’t seem right. I pulled to the shoulder, cut the ignition and stepped out not wanting to leave them at this charade any longer than I had to.

  Hagen held his chin up the way he always did around my brothers. It seemed like he was trying to measure up to them, and I was glad to read that I intimidated him.

  “Hi Lacey,” Madison said, all smiles. Her face was pink from the cool evening air and the walk through rows of starts she had planted over the weekend. I loved the way she glowed when she walked her property and remembered that excited smile the afternoon we’d borrowed Gran’s tractor and taken turns tilling the soil. “I was telling Hagen about what else we’ve got planned for the garden.”

  “And I pointed out she could easily hold twenty bulls down here.”

  I caught Madison’s eye roll and wondered what it was about.

  “I got the irrigating done, so I’m ready to roll. Once I lock up, we can go.”

  “You want a ride up to the house?” I asked them.

  “Sure!” Madison said, heading to my car.

  “I won’t fit in that thing,” sneered Hagen.

  “You could ride Houdini,” I suggested jokingly.

  As he had on the road, Houdini came to attention at the mention of his name. He took a deep breath and sneezed all over Hagen.

  “Damn horse!” he bellowed. Hagen always worried about whether he was pressed or not.

  His work done, Houdini turned and headed up the road. Madison looked at me, and I shrugged. I couldn’t care less about Hagen. I wanted only to get Madison alone to talk about how she had to shut down his advances.

  “I’ll climb in the back. You ride shotgun,” Madison said.

  I clenched my teeth but angled my head to let him know it was okay with me. Once he’d folded in his long frame, I gunned the motor and zipped up the drive ready for Madison’s gentleman caller to hit the road. In the rearview mirror, I locked eyes with Madison, trying to convey how very important it was for her to give him the boot. In case she’d missed my meaning, I highlighted it by taking a few steps toward the house after I parked. I was not going to stand around and make small talk with Hagen and pretend that his presence didn’t make me furious.

  Hagen did not move toward his truck. His glance alternated between me and Madison, who said nothing. I pocketed my keys. Signal three. He goes. I stay. Madison reached up to rub her forehead the way she did when she was stymied but caught herself and lowered her hand back to her side. Did he know her habit of fanning her fingers on her forehead as if she could massage her thoughts into place? I doubted it. Why did I feel so threatened?

  I broke the stalemate by leaving them. Let her explain, I reasoned, letting myself into her house. In the kitchen, I opened the fridge for something to do more than because I was thirsty or had any intentions of finding something for dinner. If I didn’t do something, I would hover by the window, and hovering made me even angrier. A minute went by. Two. What the fuck were they talking about anyway?

  Don’t get jealous. Don’t get jealous. Don’t get jealous, I chanted to myself. It’s not jealousy! I answered back, allowin
g myself to fan my feelings instead of stuff them away. You will not date someone who doesn’t acknowledge you as her girlfriend!

  Five long minutes later, Madison came in. “I’m sorry,” she had the grace to offer.

  Don’t say it’s okay. I bit my tongue. “Do you know why I drove over?”

  Her eyes flicked to mine but didn’t stay. She easily read my mood.

  “Shawneen came by my shop, that’s why. Because she doesn’t want me standing in the way of what you could have with Hagen. You have to know that walking the fields with him is leading him on. Surely you can see that.”

  “I was showing him all the work I’ve already put in.”

  “That’s not how he interpreted it.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because the guy likes you, and until you tell him that you’re gay or even better that we’re dating, he’s thinking that he has a chance. Out there, the way you stood closer to him than me, that tells him that he’s in the game.”

  “Lacey, you know I’m not interested in him. I know you don’t like him, but he’s harmless and not that bad to be around. He can be useful, even if he doesn’t know the difference between a bull and a steer.”

  Her comment froze my brain, and I stared at her in confusion.

  “Twenty bulls in one pasture! Absurd! They’d kill each other. Clearly he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

  I closed my eyes briefly to find my focus again. “I don’t care if you spend time with him as long as he knows the terms, that you and I are the ones who are together.”

  “I spend all my time with you. I have the rainbow on my truck. He can’t be that dim.”

  “Yes he can! You just said he doesn’t know the difference between a bull and a steer.”

  “What would you like me to do? Hold your hand?”

  “That might be a start, but a guy like Hagen…If you don’t lay it out in words, you’re leading him on. Not everyone is as perceptive as Ruth. Some people have to be told.”

  “If I tell him, he’ll tell Shawneen.”

  “Shawneen is exactly why I’m here! She obviously thinks that Hagen has a chance with you, and I’m sure Hagen’s buying that hook, line and sinker.” Through the doorway, I could see Shawneen’s curtains still hanging where she’d placed them. “That woman is toxic.”

  “I just met her. I came up here to…” Her eyes pleaded with me to drop it, to give her time to negotiate things with the mother she’d never known. “How am I supposed to tell Shawneen when I barely know her?”

  “Do you really want to know her?”

  “She’s my mother.”

  “If she wanted to be your mother, wouldn’t she have tracked you down after Charlie left? You said she had letters from you.”

  Madison recoiled as if I’d slapped her. “She’s making an effort now,” she said quietly.

  Shawneen’s motives had crept into the tail end of our last conversation, and now that she’d had her little chat with me, I thought I had a pretty good read on what her motives were. “With your resort,” I pointed out, “she sees an opportunity. That’s who she is. Do you really see her as making an effort with you?” She turned from me, making me regret my words. “Madison…”

  “Charlie didn’t exactly make an effort either, but you encouraged me to spend time with him and try. Maybe the same thing is true for Shawneen. Do you know what it’s like to live a stone’s throw from a parent who totally ignores you? I moved here, you know. I want to settle here, and it would be really nice to have a mother. If I tell her I’m gay…What if she hates me? I’m stuck here with that.”

  “Then it’s her loss,” I said honestly. Madison sucked in a breath. “I know it’s a loss for you too. I know how badly you want to find something with her, but at what cost? You have to tell her who you are.”

  Her shoulders drawn forward, she looked as lost as she had the first day I’d seen her in my shop. I could see how she’d been searching for something, trying to fill a hole she’d felt her entire life and how maybe Shawneen could fill it. But that wasn’t the Madison I loved. The thought gave me pause.

  I was in love.

  My anger told my heart to shut up.

  Everything aside from my heart said to push by Madison and leave, let her see what she was losing. I wanted what I felt to matter more than Shawneen, for Madison to put us before anything else. I wanted her to hurt as much as I did…which was absurd. I didn’t like what I was feeling, but in punishing her for my feeling frustrated, I was punishing us both. No words would fix this. Despite my rational reservations, my heart persevered and prompted me to step forward and wrap my arms around her.

  “I can’t…” whispered Madison.

  “We’ll figure it out,” I whispered, hoping there could be truth in my words. She held on to me like a lifeline, so hard I almost suggested we cancel going over to Hope and Dani’s.

  She sucked in a long breath through her nose, held it and whooshed it out. “Ready to go?”

  “Are you sure? I could text them that we can’t make it.”

  “If we don’t go, they’ll all think that I’m stealing their friend away from them. I don’t want to be that girlfriend.”

  “They’d understand.” I didn’t want her to feel pressured.

  “Give me a minute, and I’ll be ready.”

  I waited on the front porch hoping to talk to Houdini about Hagen. He lived up to the elusiveness of his name, so when Madison joined me, I shelved the issue.

  * * *

  Gabe and Brenna had beaten us there and were sifting through the boxes of games. There was no sign of Della.

  “Hide that one,” I heard Gabe say as Dani hugged us hello.

  “What are you hiding?” I asked.

  “Nothing!” He shoved a box under a couch cushion.

  “You’re not hiding Taboo, are you? It’s my favorite,” I said.

  “We don’t stand a chance with you if we play Taboo. You killed us last time.”

  “You can be on my team.”

  “I want to play Apples to Apples,” he said.

  “That game requires no skill at all,” I complained.

  “Which is why it’s fun. Am I right?” He looked for support in Brenna.

  “Apples to Apples works,” Brenna said.

  When he looked to Madison, she threw her hands up and said, “I’m too new to vote.”

  Hope joined us with a bowl of chips in one hand and tray of assorted chocolates in the other. “What about cards tonight?”

  “Don’t say Hearts. We are not playing Hearts,” Dani said.

  “Too many players for Hearts,” Hope said. “I thought we should play…”

  Dani shook her head. “No cards. Let’s try that new Smart Ass one.”

  “I’m surprised that’s not the one you said to hide,” Madison quipped. “I’m sure Lacey kicks ass at it.”

  Dani high-fived her, and Gabe threw his arm around her shoulder and squeezed. “I like this one. She can stay.”

  “Glad she got your vote,” I said, beaming at Madison’s grin.

  “How did your first guests work out?” Hope asked Madison.

  “They really enjoyed their stay. They said it was the perfect spot to honeymoon. The time they weren’t in their room, they were out at the hot springs. I think that’s going to be a great selling point!”

  “Hot springs? I love a hot spring,” Dani said. “Do you have to be a guest to take a dip?” She sidled up to Hope.

  “Between guests, I’d be happy to point you in the right direction. I’ve got the path there all evened out and marked. Now I’d like to make the actual spring less rustic.”

  “What do you want to change?” Dani asked.

  “Right now it’s about as big as an old claw-foot tub. I’d like to push out the sides a little bit, pull in some of the large, flat stones from nearby and make a more comfortable place to sit.”

  “But it’s private?”

  “Absolutely. Can’t see a soul. And si
tting there listening to the wind in the trees…” Madison and I had spent many evenings there listening to the forest orchestra in the treetops.

  “It sounds great,” Gabe said. “What do you think about Quincy as a honeymoon destination?” he asked Brenna.

  “Good for commerce. Want a drink?”

  “You sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked him when Brenna disappeared.

  He rocked back on his heels. “Oh, yeah.”

  “I’m so excited that it went well. Pretty soon, you’re going to have more business than you can handle, and you’ll be pining for the quiet days,” Hope said.

  She left with our drink orders, and we settled in the living room. Madison scooted close to me and rested her hand on my leg. Hope set up the game and ran through the instructions. All of the afternoon’s anxiety washed away to be replaced by ribbing and laughter. I saw that the people who mattered most accepted Madison and me together, and that was all I needed. At least for the night.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Madison

  As much as I’d enjoyed game night with all of Lacey’s friends, her words about Shawneen ate at me. Over and over, I heard That woman is toxic and Shawneen’s a piece of work. If we were talking about a potential guest, I would have accepted her assessment and avoided the person. There was certainly enough about Shawneen that grated on me, but I just couldn’t seem to walk away from her. She was my mother, and part of me was still waiting to hear that she was sorry for abandoning me.

  Lacey was right about Hagen though, and it wasn’t fair to her for me to let him hang around just because I didn’t want to risk pushing Shawneen away. I was going to have to be honest with them, and though more daunting, it was better to start with Shawneen. My stomach in knots, I slid her curtains off the rods and folded them carefully before slipping them back into their bags.

  As I waited for Shawneen to arrive I rehung Ruth’s. I’d asked her to meet me at my place and heard her voice shift when she accepted. It was too bad I’d raised her hopes only to dash them, but I couldn’t say what I needed to in a restaurant or on the phone. I rehearsed various versions, anticipating her response along a spectrum of anger to hurt to nastiness.