Return to Paradise

by Laina Villeneuve

  She was late, and I was antsy with guests set to arrive in a few hours, so after I’d swapped out the curtains, I moved the bag to the porch and picked up a mallet and punch I was using to craft a sign for my place. After Charlie had told me about the spring and the origin of the ranch’s original name, I decided I liked the ring of Hot Rocks Resort. Lacey had helped me split a log, and I was pounding small dents in the wood around my lettering to make it raised. It was tedious, but I enjoyed the simplicity of the task and the rustic product taking shape under my mallet.

  The Nova finally pulled into view. I didn’t get up to greet Shawneen, dressed in her black slacks and red work blouse. She hated the soft-soled black sneakers she wore to save her back. I considered the waitress who had once charmed Charlie and had kept on charming her customers when she tucked her wedding ring out of sight. Even now, I saw that her hands were bare. Was Dennis happy to live together without being married, or did she continue to find that she got better tips without a ring on?

  I swallowed my anger and pointed to the bag. “I didn’t want the receipt to expire on the curtains.”

  She walked to the bag and peeked inside, then glanced at the original curtains. “I thought you liked them.”

  I almost softened my reason, saying that I was hoping they would grow on me, but I heard Lacey saying subtlety would be lost on her and leave me open for another pitch. “The truth is someone made those curtains for me, and I like them. They’re what I wanted.”

  “Well why didn’t you say so before I spent all that time hanging these?” She rested a fist at her waist.

  I rested the mallet against my thigh. “Maybe because I didn’t want to be rude in front of the guest you’d brought. You kind of threw me for a loop, and I…” If she’d known me at all, I wouldn’t have had to explain how long it takes me to process how to react and what to say. But she had already decided that she knew what her daughter would like. It didn’t matter to her that it didn’t fit me at all. With a deep breath, I continued… “I didn’t know how to say that Lacey and I are seeing each other.”

  “I know you two are friends.”

  “She told me that you stopped by to say you were concerned that if she was here too much Hagen would start to think I’m gay. I thought the rainbow sticker on my truck made it pretty clear that I am.”

  “Well you’ve hardly given Hagen a chance.”

  “I don’t need to. I’m with Lacey.”

  “My daughter isn’t a queer.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that. Was I supposed to correct her? Comment on who my mother was? Lacey would have fired back something like my mom isn’t a whore, but like I said, it takes me a long time to figure out the right way to respond, especially when my feelings are in turmoil.

  “Is this because I let Charlie raise you on his own? He raised you like a boy and got you all confused, didn’t he? I told him a girl needs a woman to raise her.”

  “I am not confused.” I stood up and faced her squarely. “I know I’m a woman, and I love women. And for your information, I grew up in a pink room with a loving couple who modeled what a family is way better than you ever did. Ruth never forgot to pick me up from girl scouts or soccer.”

  “What do you know about being a parent? What do you know about a child ruining your life, your dreams?”

  “How did I ruin your dreams? You’re still doing the exact same thing you were when Charlie left you. If you felt so saddled by us, you could’ve done anything you wanted when he left. You didn’t have to take care of me anymore. You could have done anything. Why didn’t you?”

  “He didn’t divorce me, did he? How was I supposed to know if he was gone for good or if he’d come back for me? I was never free. He made sure I wouldn’t forget, sending me those letters you wrote.”

  I gasped with surprise. “You got my letters?”

  “A few scribblings. I couldn’t make out what they said. Didn’t have a return address, did they? And sent from Montana. Wyoming.”

  Those first years we were with Bo, he often sent Charlie on trips to pick up new breeding stock. It stunned me to realize the lengths Charlie had gone to mislead Shawneen. Where his concern was to protect me, I didn’t get the impression that she would have checked those details because she missed her little girl enough to track her down. More likely, she felt like Charlie owed her something.

  “Left me with a rent I couldn’t afford,” she said, confirming what I’d suspected. “When I got evicted, I had to find somewhere to live, but anyplace I checked out around here meant I had to answer a lot of questions. Where you two went. Why you left. How exactly was I supposed to get over that? How was I supposed to make anything of my life with the whole town talking about me like that?”

  Tense silence strung between us. She still felt like Charlie owed her. She wasn’t interested in who I was. She was interested in how she could recoup her losses. She wanted my property, not me. It had never been about me. It was and would always be about her.

  “No,” she continued. “I didn’t expect you thought about any of that, about how what he done affected me. And you can forget about seeing that McAlpine girl. No child of mine is going to parade around this town like those freaks with their child.”

  Even though Lacey had told me exactly what Shawneen thought of Hope and Dani, her words stung. I heard her ice-cold heart in them and knew no words of mine could ever warm it. There was no point in arguing with her, and I wanted nothing more than for her to leave. She had let me down despite how low I’d set my expectations. “I am not your child, Shawneen.”

  “You are sorely mistaken if that’s what you think. You don’t think people got to talking after we started eating at that filthy place? I should have spoke my mind from the beginning. No way in hell people didn’t put two and two together. You don’t know how small this town is. You can’t think that it’s okay to set up some gay getaway here in the mountains. We won’t stand for it.”

  As mad as I was, I couldn’t help smiling at her use of that phrase.

  “How is that funny?” she sneered. “We won’t stand for it.”

  A professor I’d had in college had explained that the common phrase so many used originated from farm culture. He explained that “I can’t stand it” is tied to horse breeding. Most of the time when a mare in heat is introduced to a stallion, nature takes its course. But sometimes, the mare won’t let the stallion mount her, won’t stand still, hence the phrase she can’t stand him. After that visual, I never used the phrase again. Given the choice, people will say the stallion is more powerful than a mare, but listening to Shawneen made me see that the mare has power too. She can say no. “It’s not funny,” I agreed. Without waiting for a reply, I turned and strode across my porch.

  “You overestimate how fond this town is about people like you,” she called after me as I entered my house and gently closed the door. I didn’t respond. I had nothing more to say to her. I’d overestimated how much I needed to make peace with the woman who had birthed me instead of focusing on what really mattered—the people in my life who were fond of me.

  Inside, I pulled my cell phone from my back pocket and was about to select Ruth’s number when her ringtone came through. I punched receive. “Ruth?”

  “Madison. I hate to ask this of you when I know you’re just getting your feet under you, but…” her voice cracked, and she sobbed.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  “Bo’s had a heart attack. He’s…he’s at the hospital now. Can you…?”

  Dust from the Nova rose up into the trees as Shawneen sped toward the road.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can. How is he now?” I ran to my room to throw my nightshirt and a change of clothes in a bag. I did my best to tick through my nighttime routine, adding my toothbrush and phone charger as I strode from room to room.

  All I heard was Ruth crying. I’d never heard her cry before, and I felt helpless, like she was locked on the other side of a door to which I had no
key.

  “Ruth…” I got no response which worried me. How was a child supposed to help her… “Mom…It’ll be okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  Her sobs continued, and I felt my heart breaking. Not waiting for her reply, I told her I loved her and disconnected.

  I had to leave but I couldn’t without taking care of Hot Rocks. My guests would be arriving in an hour, which was what I was trying to explain to Lacey. I needed someone to stand in for me. How had I not seen how alone I was? Even without a full house, I was completely stuck without staff. Until I had a steady income, I had thought that I could swing everything on my own, but I hadn’t considered what to do in an emergency. All I knew was that I had to get to Ruth and Bo.

  “Slow down, slow down,” Lacey said, interrupting my rapid-fire words. “Where are you going?”

  “Home. Ruth needs me. Bo’s had a heart attack.”

  “You’re not driving like this.” I heard her tools hitting her bench as she tossed them down.

  “I’m already packed but I’m stuck until I know Hot Rocks is okay,” I insisted. I bent over at the waist, trying to ease the spinning sensation.

  “You sound like you’re a mess. I’m not letting you drive down to Paradise alone. Let me drive you.”

  “I just need you to be here as soon as you can in case they want to check in early, okay? That’s all I need from you right now.” Too late I heard how my words sounded and knew how she had taken them when she answered.

  “All you need…”

  If I’d remembered what I’d said to Shawneen, I might have been able to salve the wound, but there was only one word in my mind, Bo, and the easiest way to get to him was to have Lacey step in for me. “I don’t want to fight. I just want to be on the road.”

  “Give me five minutes to see if Hope or…”

  “I don’t know if Bo has five more minutes. I’m leaving a key under the mat. Can you help me or not?”

  “Call me when you get there, okay?”

  I finally sighed with relief. “Okay. Thank you.” I clicked off before she could even reply. I jotted a quick note for Lacey, letting her know how to check in the guests. I knew she wanted to be with me, but she had to see how much it meant to me to be able to walk away and trust that she could manage my little resort.

  Tossing my stuff into the passenger seat, I swung around in the drive and sped down to the road as fast as Shawneen had, to hell with the dust I usually tried to minimize. I needed to call Lacey and tell her that I’d told Shawneen. Feeling my hands shaking on the wheel, I knew it was better to focus on driving. We could catch up once I was down there and knew that Bo was going to be okay.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Madison

  I wished I’d asked Ruth what was happening, but she was crying so hard, I don’t know if I could have gotten any more information out of her. Questions for my mom about my dad. I smiled as the truth of the words hit me. I’d told Shawneen they were my family, and they were. How had I ever doubted that? They had raised me as their daughter, but I had kept them at a careful distance, always worried about hurting Charlie’s feelings and wondering about my “real” mom.

  Now Mom needed me. After all the years I’d invested thinking of a figment called Shawneen as my mom, I was finally pointed in the right direction and heading to the woman who had been my mom for twenty years. I catalogued my memories with Bo and Ruth in the hour and a half it took to get to the hospital, ending with their meeting Lacey. I wished I could go back and introduce her to my parents more officially, acknowledging not only how important Lacey was but how important Bo and Ruth were to me. I vowed to fix that as I found parking and jogged to the building.

  Ruth was right inside the door. And Charlie.

  Why wouldn’t she be by Bo’s bedside?

  In his room?

  Why didn’t he have a room?

  My heart felt like lead as my footsteps slowed, realization settling on me like a heavy blanket. If I stopped my feet it wouldn’t be true. But Ruth stood and held her arms out to me, pulling me forward into a truth I didn’t want to hear.

  “When?” I sobbed as we fell into each other.

  “He died in the ambulance,” Charlie supplied quietly. He lay his warm palm on my shoulder.

  “You…you didn’t tell me.” My brain was swimming. She’d known when she called, and she hadn’t said anything? She’d let me hold on to the hope that he was alive?

  “I couldn’t. I couldn’t,” Ruth said.

  “But…” I gasped.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I needed you here. It was so fast,” she sobbed.

  “Where is he?”

  Ruth pulled away from me and looked to Charlie. His face was drawn. “Are you sure you want to see him? You might want to wait for the viewing. Right now…”

  “No. I have to see him,” I insisted. “I didn’t get to tell him…I never said…” I gulped for air. Did I dare say what I’d felt about Bo to Charlie?

  “He knew.” Charlie’s Adam’s apple wobbled stoically.

  My anger flared. “How could he have known?” Inexplicably, my fingers closed to a fist that landed on Charlie’s chest. He jumped but didn’t move away from the blows. After I’d landed a good six or seven punches, he got his arms around me. I struggled to free myself from him but couldn’t. It should have been Bo holding me. I tried to imagine what he would have said to my calling him Dad. His blue eyes had told me everything he ever felt, but they’d never mirror my claiming him. “I never told him,” I said over and over as my tears fell. “I never told him.”

  “He was a better father than I ever was. We all knew that, even you. Even if you didn’t have the words for it. It was in your eyes.”

  “Mom?” I tested Charlie’s claim on Ruth.

  “He knew.” She pursed her lips trying hard not to cry. Her shoulders came back a speck, as if my label gave her back a little of her strength. “I knew you’d want to see him. I wanted us to say goodbye together. Can you?”

  My eyes welled, and I nodded, unable to speak. We linked arms, and she led me to the emergency room where a nurse walked with us to a curtained-off bed. She paused before drawing it, waiting for my signal. I nodded again, completely unprepared to say goodbye to the man who had contributed so much to who I was.

  Tears slipped freely down my face as I stepped forward. Bo’s eyes were his best feature, and I’d rarely seen him asleep, so to see his face without that sparkle hardly felt like looking at Bo at all. Ruth wrapped her hand around his, and I lay my hand on his lifeless arm. “Thank you,” I whispered. “I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out how much you gave me.”

  “You stole his heart from the beginning. Both of ours. You don’t know how much it meant when you moved to the house and shared yourself with us. You have been our gift.” We held each other and cried. I was aware of Charlie by the door, but he kept his distance until we’d dried our faces.

  I left the room in a trance, let Charlie take my car and rode home with Ruth. After we got to the ranch, he handed me the keys and hugged the two of us tightly. Though Ruth invited him to join us, he silently retreated to his trailer. Only when Ruth turned the key in the lock did I picture Lacey finding the key I’d left her. “I have to call Lacey,” I apologized, not wanting to leave Ruth alone.

  “I don’t know about you, but I haven’t eaten all day. I’m going to put some things out. We’ll feel better for having something.”

  “Maybe huevos rancheros?”

  She smiled like she was watching Bo pour on Tabasco sauce complaining that she never made anything spicy enough. “That sounds good. Make your call.”

  It was hard. I didn’t want to cry again. I didn’t want to admit that I’d been wrong about needing her with me. I wished she could somehow hold me before I fell apart. Start there, I told myself. “I wish I could have your arms around me right now,” I said when she answered. My voice caught, and the tears came.

  “Madison. Oh, Madison. Is he
gone?”

  “Yes.”

  She growled her frustration. “I need to be there. With you.”

  “But I needed your help there. I still do. I…Can you stay the weekend, so I can be here with Ruth?”

  “I can get someone else to run things here.”

  “I don’t have anyone else to ask, Lacey.”

  “Yes, you do. You have friends here who will help you.”

  “I couldn’t possibly ask your friends…” I stopped unable to imagine calling any of Lacey’s friends to ask them for such a favor.

  “Please trust me?” Lacey asked gently.

  Though still uncomfortable with the idea of burdening people I barely knew, I remembered how much I wanted her to hold me. I rested my head on my fingertips appreciating how cool they felt against the pulse at my temples.

  “Madison?” Lacey prompted me. “Can you let me take care of things here my way?”

  I took a shaky breath. “Okay. But I’ve got to go now. Ruth wants to feed me.”

  “Madison?”

  I’d been about to hang up and was standing at the doorway of the kitchen watching Ruth slide fried eggs onto tortillas. “Yeah?”

  “Madison, I love you.”

  Ruth looked up at my stunned face. I didn’t know how to respond. The words echoed around in my head looking for a place to settle. “My eggs are done.”

  “What?” She sounded confused, and rightly so.

  I shut my eyes as her words found their way into my heart. My chest had felt so tight from the moment I saw Ruth at the hospital. That now eased, ever so slightly, and I felt my chest expand enough to take a deeper breath. “I love you too,” I whispered.

  “Good.”

  We said our goodbyes, and I stood there holding the phone as Ruth added avocado and homemade salsa to our dinners. She passed a plate to me.

  “How’s Lacey?”

  “Frustrated with me for not waiting for her to make the drive down with me.”