Needing You #2 - Wanting Him

by T. Renee Fike

  Parker doesn’t complain, but drives us to our destination. We spend the afternoon going through mom’s favorite shops before making our way back to the car.

  “Where to next?” I ask Nora.

  “Let’s do the beach last,” she says.

  “Alright, so how about Twin Kiss next?”

  “Oh yeah, I could definitely go for some soft serve ice cream,” she says a little too excitedly.

  “Twin Kiss please,” I tell him.

  “Sure thing,” he says with a kind look before pulling onto the road to head to our next destination. It takes about twenty minutes to get to the ice cream shop because it’s in another town.

  Once he parks, we climb out of the car and head to the counter to look at the options.

  “How am I to choose?” Nora says as she laughs.

  I start laughing, “No clue, there’s too many to choose from.”

  “I’m getting a banana split,” Parker chimes in.

  “Seriously? You know their huge right?” I remind him.

  “I know,” he says on a laugh.

  “Mmm that sounds good,” Nora moans in delight.

  “Oh, go pick one already.”

  We place our orders, Parker a banana split, Nora a hot fudge brownie sundae, and me strawberry-banana cone with rainbow sprinkles.

  “Really…what are you twelve?” Nora says.

  “What?”

  “Sprinkles?” she says, like I have three heads.

  “What’s wrong with them? You usually get them on your sundae.”

  “Oh crap,” she pouts.

  “What?”

  “I forgot to order them on my sundae,” she says with a pout.

  Before they hand her sundae out, I have them add the sprinkles. Parker doesn’t let me pay for our ice cream. No surprise there.

  Once we finish our ice cream, we get back into the car to head to mom’s home now. Parker pulls into the cemetery and parks and we walk to mom’s grave.

  “Did you bring your letter?” Nora asks.

  “Yeah,” I say as I feel tears start to tear up.

  I’m just not sure how I can read this in front of Parker.

  We sit down at her headstone, putting in the flowers that we got for mom, purple, white, orange, and yellow lilies.

  Nora starts talking to mom like she’s sitting right here next to us. I can’t help but smile at my sister.

  She starts to read her letter, apologizing to her for not being a better daughter when she went to that party where Brad aka asshat, tried to take advantage of her. I can’t help the tears that fall from my cheeks. She continues to tell mom how she busted up Liz’s face for being a bitch, her words not mine. She also fills mom in on how we went to see Parker in concert, how great it was, and how he’s here with us now.

  Nora continues talking to mom telling her about her grades in school, her friends, the boy she likes currently and how much she misses her.

  Parker’s sitting behind us taking everything in. When I look back at him I see he’s teary-eyed. I smile and he smiles back looking happy to be here with us.

  “Your turn,” Nora says pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “Parker do you mind waiting on the bench or in the car?” I ask nervously.

  He gives me an odd look, “Sure,” he says softly before standing up and heading towards the bench.

  “Why did you ask him to leave?” Nora asks looking confused.

  “Because I don’t know if I could read my letter in front of him,” I tell her truthfully.

  “Do you want me to go to?”

  “No, you already know everything that’s going on.”

  “Okay.”

  I take a hold of Nora’s hand before reading my letter.

  Mom,

  I don’t even know where to begin other than telling you how much I miss you every day. Life’s just not the same without you. You were my rock and my hero. I will forever look up to you. I know you’re watching us now and I hope I’m making you proud and I hope you’re proud of how I’m trying to be there for Nora.

  As for life, well for starters I’m not with Parker anymore. He ended up hurting me in the worst possible way, now he’s starting a family with someone else and I’m left here alone. I feel Nora squeeze my hand letting me know I have her which I’m thankful for. I’m thinking about dating again. I’m trying to move on from him, but it’s hard. I get now why you stayed with dad. Even though he cheated, you loved him regardless and stayed with him. I’m understanding love a lot better, but I can say it hurts like hell when you get your heart broken. I’m not sure I can ever understand how you could let dad break your heart so many times, but that wasn’t my choice, that was yours. I made the choice to leave and now every time I see him it just gets harder. I thought time was supposed to make things easier.

  Enough talk of Parker. I want to apologize to you mom, because I let you down. I should have been home the day Nora went to that stupid party. If I would have come home or answered my stupid phone she wouldn’t have been there. She wouldn’t have nightmares like she does. I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry I let you down. I can feel the tears start to roll down my cheeks, but I don’t stop reading. I wish life were easier. I wish I knew what path I was to take and how to get there, but I don’t. I’m left with this complete feeling of uncertainty. What if I mess up? What if I do something that I can’t take back? What happens when I let Nora down again? I’m only twenty-two, I shouldn’t have to be here without you mom. You’re supposed to be here, raising Nora, excited to see me when I come home from college during breaks and free weekends. Instead you’re gone because of a stupid illness, one that’s not fair. You’re supposed to take care of us, and instead you were ripped from us far too soon. I look over to see Nora with tears falling quickly from her eyes. I wrap my arm around her pulling her into my side to comfort her.

  My classes are going well. I start clinicals next semester. I hope to be as good as a nurse as you had when you were in the hospital. I want to be able to comfort people who are going through the same thing we experienced. I wish people didn’t have to go through what we went through mom, but I know I learned a lot and hopefully I’m a better person for it.

  I hope one day I can make you proud. I miss you.

  Mom I hope you’re watching down us on and I can’t wait to see you again one day. I wish that day were today, but I know it can’t be. I will do everything I can to make you proud of me and Nora. I want you to be able to watch us from Heaven and smile down on us knowing we made you proud.

  Today we celebrate your life, visiting your favorite spots, reminiscing about our times with you, keeping your memories alive. I hope you know how truly special you are because I’m blessed to be able to call you mom.

  I promise to come visit more often and keep you updated on how school’s going. I will tell you about the next boy I date and hopefully you’ll like him. I know you would have loved Parker. Mom I loved him with every fiber of my being. I’m not sure if I will ever truly trust another man to not break my heart, but I’m going to try. Hopefully by trying, I’ll be able to stop loving Parker. Is that possible mom…can I fall out of love with one guy to hopefully fall in love with another? Silly question I know. Sorry. But other than that life is going alright. I’m still working at PowerTrips, making money, paying bills, and going to school. I think I’m doing pretty well.

  We’re going to the beach today to your favorite spot. Where the rocks form what looks like a heart. A crooked one but never the less a heart. I know how much you loved that spot, so we’re going there today to sit where you sat, to feel you close by even if only for a second.

  I love you mom. I wish you were here, there’s so much I want to tell you that I can’t get it all out in one sitting. I miss you every day and I can’t wait for the day I get to see your smiling face.

  Love Natalie.

  I can’t help the tears. I knew I would be crying a lot today. Nora and I usually do. I keep handing her tissues and using th
em myself.

  I put the letters in the mason jar, screw on the lid and place them in the dirt. These letters are for mom, so they stay here with her.

  “Ready to head to the beach?”

  “Yeah,” she says softly as she wipes tears away.

  We walk the short distance to the bench Parker’s sitting on. He looks sad, but I won’t dare ask.

  “We’re ready.”

  “Here are the keys, I need to do something quick,” he says as he stands and hands me his car keys.

  “Come on,” Nora says as she tugs on my arm. I look back to see Parker walking through a few isles, not knowing what he’s doing.

  We get into the car and Nora starts talking about what she wants to do at the beach.

  Parker

  I wait until I see that Nora and Nat are in the car before walking towards Mel, Nat’s mom’s grave. I know they write a letter and read it, going over everything from the past year. I know this because I was here with them last year on this day.

  I never got the chance to meet Mel, but just knowing how great Nat and Nora are, I know she had to be an amazing mom.

  I take one more look back to see them in the car before I pull out the letter I wrote to Mel.

  Mel,

  It’s me Parker. Guess you know from Natalie’s letter that I messed up. I broke her heart and I don’t even know when I did it. I will forever kick myself in the ass for letting her go. I love your daughter with all of my heart, but sometimes that’s just not enough. She trusted me and I let her down, in turn, I let you and Nora down too. I will forever be sorry to you. I know if you were here you would kick my ass and I’d let you, because I deserve it.

  I’m still on tour, though I’m ready to come home, but I’m thinking of staying out on the road. As much as I want to be home, I can’t keep hurting Nat. I know by me staying means there’s times where we’re bound to run into one another and I can see the pain in her eyes every time I see her. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt her. I know she puts on a strong front when she’s around me, but I know it kills her a little more each time.

  I also want to apologize for being a selfish asshole. I knew they were coming to see you today and I made sure I stopped by to come along. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I know she deserves better than me but I couldn’t stop myself from trying to spend the day with her. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt on your day.

  But I want you to know that you raised two amazing girls. Nat’s doing an amazing job raising Nora and I know you’d be proud. They stick together through thick and thin and you should be proud of both of them.

  Alright well I took enough of your time up. Just know that I will always love your daughter and that I am truly sorry.

  Parker

  I wipe the few tears that slipped down my cheeks before heading to the car. I’m a man and can admit when I fucked up. I know I fucked up and now I have to live each day regretting it.

  Once I get to the car I slide in the driver seat never looking at Nat or Nora. I start the car, back out and put us on the highway to head to Mel’s favorite beach spot.

  Natalie

  Parker gets in the car and gets us on the highway never saying a word. Hell, he hasn’t even looked in my direction. I can’t imagine what he was doing, but maybe he knows someone who’s in the same cemetery as mom is. Who knows?

  The drive takes about an hour from the cemetery. Nora makes conversation with me and Parker, but we don’t really talk. I’m not sure what to say to him. It used to be so easy to tell him everything, but that’s all changed.

  Luckily, Nora has no problem keeping a conversation going for the past hour. Park pulls into a spot located by where we’re going.

  “It’s beautiful here,” Nora says as she gets out of the car enjoying the scene.

  “It sure is,” I say taking the view in.

  Parker doesn’t say anything just heads to the trunk of his car.

  “What do you have in there?” Nora asks, as she makes her way to the back of his car.

  “I brought blankets and towels in case either of you are crazy enough to run into the water,” he says as he grabs the blanket and towels.

  “Hmm…maybe,” my sister says eyeing me curiously.

  “Let’s go,” I say as I thread my arm through Nora’s leading her to mom’s favorite spot.

  After an hour or so of talking and laughing and exploring on the rocks, Parker lies the blanket down on the sand for us to sit.

  “I’ll be back,” Nora says as she runs toward the water.

  “She won’t really go in will she?” he asks nervously.

  “No, probably just put her feet in.”

  “Okay good. Did you want to go anywhere after this?”

  “Just home.”

  “Alright,” he says, and then it’s awkward silence.

  “Congratulations by the way,” I say breaking the odd silence.

  “Nat…I,”

  I cut him off, “You don’t have to say or explain anything to me. I’m happy for you.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you. I didn’t want you to hear it from Declan in an argument,” he says apologetically.

  “I already knew. Harp told me earlier that night.”

  “Oh shit, yeah she did say that. But either way, it should have come from me. And I’m not engaged to her. Hell, I don’t even know if this baby is truly mine.”

  “What?” I ask stunned.

  “It’s complicated. I’m getting a paternity test done when the baby’s born and the proposal was only mentioned and everyone kind of ran with it.”

  “Well, I think that’s wise about getting the test done and you’ll do what’s best for you.”

  “Yeah, just wish I knew what that was.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Shit’s just messed up. Even with the band; hell you saw Declan, he’s pissed. He has a right to be though.”

  “Do you want to go back out on tour when this leg’s done?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes please.”

  “No.”

  “Then why go back out for another year if none of you want to?” I ask confused.

  “Nate’s not sure what he wants to do, Luke either. It’s just Declan that knows he wants a break.”

  “But so do you. I don’t understand.”

  “Nat, me being home would mean you would probably run into me often, and I don’t want to do that to you. I’ve already hurt you enough,” he says with sympathetic eyes.

  “Parker, don’t go on tour because of me. I’m fine and I’ll continue to be fine. I start clinicals soon anyway so my time will be dedicated to studying my ass off. I may run into you a few times at PowerTrips when I’m working, but that will probably be it.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “You’re about to have a baby. Don’t you want to have some home stability for your child, rather than a tour bus?” I ask curiously.

  “Yeah I do, but she thinks it would be smart to tour this next tour, and then take a break.”

  “What do you want to do Parker?” I ask angrily.

  “I just wanna be home.”

  “Then I think you got your answer. You can still have your music, but have your home too,” I say being the mature adult my mom raised me to be.

  “You sure you’ll be alright seeing me from time to time?” he says, piercing me with those damn gorgeous green eyes. I swear they’re hypnotizing.

  “I’m sure I can manage. You aren’t the only sexy hot-blooded male running around this town,” I say with a laugh.

  “Ouch,” he says acting like I hurt his heart.

  “Aww, did I hurt your ego?” I say before I start laughing.

  “Damn I missed you,” he says surprising me.

  “I missed you too,” I say with a smile, because truth be told I do miss him.

  I eventually turn away from our stare down to see my sister walking down the beach picking up shells.


  When I turn back I see Parker lying down on the blanket starting up into the sky.

  “You alright?”

  “Yeah, just relaxing.”

  “Mind if I use you as a pillow so I can watch Nor?”

  “Sure,” he says quickly.

  I lie down with my head on the side of his chest so I can see what Nora’s up to. Parker uses one of the towels so he has his head propped up, but he’s still looking at the sky.

  “Thanks for coming along today. You didn’t have to though.”

  “I wanted to. Thanks for letting me tag along.”

  “It turned out to be a good day.”

  “Mel would be real proud of you Nat,” he says as he starts to play with my hair. I’m not even sure if he realizes he’s doing it.

  “I hope so.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “If I hadn’t messed up, where do you think we’d be right now?” he asks apprehensively.

  “Well actually, we’d probably be where we are right now considering today, but honestly, I’m not sure.”

  “Do you think we would have made it through the tours?”

  “I would like to think so, but we didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry I messed everything up. I never meant to hurt you,” he says softly.

  “You don’t have to apologize. I know you’re sorry. It was a while ago, we’re both moving on,” I lie.

  “Yeah, sure, both moving on,” he says quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

  We spend the next fifteen-twenty minutes in one others’ company in silence. He continues to play with my hair and I continue to watch Nora run up and down the beach.

  A few minutes later Nora comes back with her hands full of shells.

  “Do you guys want to stay to watch the sunset?” Parker asks.

  “YES!” Nora shrieks causing me to laugh.

  “You sure you don’t need to be somewhere else?” I ask, turning my head to look up at his face.

  “Nope, I’m good,” he says with his sexy dimpled smile.

  Damn him and his green eyes and dimples.

  “How long do we need to wait for the sun to set?” Nora asks, looking out at the bright sky.

  “Probably about twenty minutes or so,” he answers.

  “Okay, well then I’m gonna go look for more shells. I’ll be back,” she says with an excited smile before she starts to run down the beach.