Fear of Love

by Carole Mortimer

  ‘Because of a few kisses and a few words of love?’ he scorned. ‘How naïve you are, Alexandra! Your friend Young was right, your innocence soon begins to pall. I’m going back to London because I want a real woman in my arms, a woman I can make love to and not have to feel guilty about it.’

  ‘Sabrina Gilbert,’ she whispered brokenly.

  ‘Yes. I thought I could take you with promises of marriage, and forget about you as easily, but I find I can’t do that to you or to Gail and Trevor. You’re right when you say you’re too close to home. I should have known better than to get involved with you,’ he added cruelly.

  ‘But I never asked for marriage. I’ve never tried to stop you making love to me.’

  ‘No,’ he agreed sneeringly. ‘But the places you chose weren’t exactly suitable for what I had in mind.’

  ‘I don’t believe that’s it,’ she denied. ‘It’s something else, something that happened yesterday afternoon. You were talking to me of marriage yesterday!’ she reminded him desperately.

  He shrugged. ‘Only because I wanted you. But like I said, it all involves Gail and Trevor, and I can do without that hassle.’

  ‘But you love me! I know you do. I’ll show you.’ Alexandra stood on tiptoe to kiss him, her arms about his neck, her mouth moving with a fierce desperation on his.

  For a moment he seemed to weaken, his mouth responding, then he pushed her away from him, ripping her arms from about his neck. ‘I’ve never mentioned love to you—or any other woman for that matter!’

  ‘No, but you—’

  ‘I don’t love you, Alexandra,’ he bit out curtly. ‘You’ve read far too much into what could only ever have been a flirtation on my part, a brief affair at most.’

  ‘But you said we’d get married in six months!’

  ‘Six months is a long time,’ he said with a cruel smile. ‘Quite long enough for me to have got out of it. I once told you that it would be your love that would break me, and it’s certainly done that. You should think yourself lucky, it’s only guilty conscience on my part that’s stopped me taking you—you certainly haven’t tried to stop me.’

  Alexandra swallowed hard, a terrible sickness rising up in her throat. ‘I think I hate you now.’

  ‘Perhaps that’s as well.’

  She turned away. ‘I hate you!’

  Dominic hesitated in the open doorway, his gaze resting on her bent head. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes,’ she mumbled.

  ‘I—I’ll call you from London if you like,’ he suggested softly.

  Her head shot up, anger in her eyes. ‘Don’t bother! I don’t need your sympathy. I’ll get over this infatuation I have for you, all the easier because I now know it was all a game to you.’

  ‘Not a game, Alex. I—’

  ‘Don’t call me that!’ She brushed past him. ‘You can keep your seduction routine for those who appreciate it. I find it just sickens me!’

  In fact she did only just reach the bathroom before she was violently sick. Dominic had been playing with her all the time, her love meant nothing to him. She cried herself to sleep that night, deep choking sobs that made her body ache.

  When she came downstairs the next morning it was to find that Dominic had already left. She had wanted to see him before he left, to find out if he truly meant the things he had said, his absence seemed to make that unnecessary.

  During the next few days she lived in nervous anticipation of him calling her as he had said he would, had hoped he would telephone even though she had told him not to. But he didn’t, and her misery grew. She had even wondered if perhaps he would return on Friday as he usually did, but by midnight she knew he wasn’t going to.

  She hesitated about telephoning his apartment all the next day, knowing she ought to have more pride. But she couldn’t go on like this, living in his house, surrounded by memories of him wherever she went, by the faint aroma of the cheroots he often smoked. She had to speak to him, even if she lost all her pride by doing so.

  The telephone rang for a long time before it was picked up, a man answering, but certainly not Dominic. She could hear the sound of loud music, laughter, and people shouting, noise so loud that she had to shout above it to make herself audible to the man.

  He finally seemed to understand her, or at least she thought he had, until five minutes later when no one came back to answer the telephone. There was obviously a party going on there, and the man had sounded slightly tipsy.

  Finally she heard the receiver being picked up again and a female voice came down the line this time. ‘Can I help you in any way?’ she asked huskily.

  Alexandra explained for the second time in a matter of minutes that she wanted to talk to Dominic.

  ‘Dominic!’ she heard the woman shout. ‘Dominic, there’s a call for you. Darling?’ she said in a husky drawl.

  Alexandra froze as she recognised that voice, the way the woman called Dominic, ‘darling’. She slowly replaced the receiver. So Dominic had meant it when he said he was going back to Sabrina Gilbert, because that was surely who had been on the other end of the telephone.

  CHAPTER TEN

  THINKING rationally about the things Dominic had said to her, Alexandra knew he had been lying about the fact that she was to be just another affair to him, knew it because there were too many occasions when she had shamelessly offered herself to him and he had fought for the control not to take her.

  He had been serious about marrying her in six months’ time, but something had happened to change his mind. He had deliberately hurt her, said cruel things to her. But even so that didn’t alter the fact that he had gone straight back to Sabrina Gilbert!

  It was because of this that her emotions felt numb as far as Dominic was concerned. She didn’t hate him as she had told him she did, but she certainly didn’t love him any more either, she just felt nothing for him at all. The part of her heart that had belonged to him was now a black void.

  She was neither happy or sad, the loving time with Dominic seeming not to have happened. What had it really been after all—two or three days when they had deluded themselves there could be more than antagonism between them.

  She stayed on at his house, only moving back home when Gail at last came out of hospital, the baby now a big part of their family. Everyone seemed to revolve their life about him now, and charming little monkey that he was, he revelled in every moment.

  Alexandra tickled him under the chin. ‘I think he’s going to be like his uncle after all.’ She laughed as he blew bubbles at her. ‘You’ll have all the girls falling for you when you’re older, young man!’ She picked him up and kissed him.

  Gail lay on the sofa, still a little bruised from her operation but otherwise very happy. She put the last ‘thank-you’ letter in her neat little pile, glad that task was over. It was lovely of people to send her gifts for the baby, but she hated all the letter writing afterwards.

  She looked closely at Alexandra. ‘Are you over Dominic now?’ she asked gently.

  Alexandra’s expression didn’t alter. ‘There wasn’t a lot to get over.’ She held her nephew firmly in her arms, smoothing back his fluffy hair.

  ‘He’s been to see me a couple of times, you know.’

  Alexandra frowned, studiously straightening her nephew’s little suit. ‘No, I didn’t know.’

  ‘He asked me not to tell you,’ Gail admitted.

  Alexandra gave a hard laugh. ‘Whatever did he do that for? Did he imagine I’d rush down to the hospital and make a scene?’ she scorned. ‘He could have saved himself the trouble of sneaking about, I’m not that interested in what he does.’

  ‘Don’t be too hard on him, Alexandra. To tell you the truth he looks terrible, much worse than he did after his time in Africa. He looks ill, he’s so pale and drawn.’

  ‘It’s all that high living,’ Alexandra said callously. ‘Come on, monkey, let’s go and post Mummy’s letters.’ She settled the baby in his pram. ‘The fresh air will put some colo
ur in his cheeks.’

  ‘About Dominic,’ Gail persisted. ‘He—’

  Alexandra gave a bright smile. ‘I really don’t want to know anything about him.’ She picked up the letters Gail had so laboriously written. ‘Is this all of them?’

  ‘Yes. But about Dominic—’

  ‘I’m not interested, Gail,’ she repeated firmly. ‘I’m taking the baby for a walk to post these letters. We’ll all sit out in the garden afterwards, shall we?’

  Gail sighed. ‘Yes, okay. But I wish you’d listen to me about—’

  ‘Well, I won’t. See you later,’ she called gaily.

  It was a beautiful day outside, the sun shining brightly, the birds singing in the trees. A truly lovely day.

  Alexandra chattered all the way down the road to her sleepy nephew, until she reached the local shop that also contained the post office, when she realised he had fallen asleep.

  The door to the shop stood open and after checking that the baby would be all right for a few minutes she went inside. Mrs Saunders was dealing with another customer at the back of the shop when she went in and so she flicked idly through the selection of birthday cards.

  ‘She stayed at his house all those weeks, you know,’ she heard Mrs Saunders twitter, a small bird-like woman who moved in quick nervous movements but never actually seemed to get anything done. ‘Disgusting, I call it.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ The customer hadn’t heard this snippet of gossip.

  Alexandra smiled at their busybodying, wondering whose fate it was to be ripped to shreds by their malicious tongues today.

  ‘Well,’ Mrs Saunders was obviously warming to the subject now, ‘It’s all over the village about the way they’ve been carrying on together.’

  ‘I haven’t heard anything,’ the other woman replied.

  ‘No—well, you were away on holiday when it all came out into the open. She isn’t going to marry the Young boy now, of course.’

  Alexandra froze. This wasn’t just the innocent actions of one of the village women being misconstrued, this was her! She was so shocked she couldn’t move.

  ‘Mrs Young wouldn’t allow it,’ the customer replied. ‘Not if what you say about her and Dominic Tempest is true.’

  ‘Oh, it’s true all right.’ Her voice lowered. ‘Apparently Roger Young saw them out together at a restaurant twenty miles from here. Trying to hide their affair, no doubt, not expecting anyone from about here to see them.’

  ‘Ooh, how terrible!’ the other woman exclaimed with relish, obviously thinking no such thing. ‘And you say it’s been going on some months now?’

  ‘I don’t say it, the Youngs do. Of course they could just be saying it because their son has been made to look a little foolish. But Alexandra’s always been a bit wild, going her own way regardless of conventions.’

  ‘Dominic Tempest must have encouraged her,’ the customer said knowingly. ‘You know what these show-business types are like.’

  ‘He’s been back in London several weeks now,’ Mrs Saunders told her. ‘Obviously just a ploy to allay suspicion from them both. They’re probably meeting somewhere else at the moment. Much too blatant to stay in that house together.’

  Alexandra had heard enough, wanting only to escape before she was sick. She stumbled out of the shop, still undetected by the two gossiping women. Oh God, how could those people think such things of her, how could they!

  She walked quickly back to the house, moving automatically, the tears streaming down her cheeks and blurring her vision. But another shock awaited her when she got back—Dominic’s Ferrari parked in the driveway. She quickly wiped the tears away, determined not to let anyone see how upset she had been. What had it been after all, merely the distorted gossip of a couple of malicious women who had nothing better to do with their time. But that didn’t make it hurt any less!

  Right now she had to go into the house and face Dominic, their first meeting since he had told her it had all been a game to him. She picked up the baby, careful not to wake him, and left the pram outside.

  Gail and Dominic were in the lounge, Dominic surrounded by a haze of cheroot smoke as usual, although she agreed with her sister, he did look tired and ill. Still, that was nothing to do with her. If he wanted to kill himself with women and work that was up to him.

  He was watching her now, the expression in his eyes unreadable as she turned away to put her sleeping nephew in his cot. Dominic had no right to look at her like that, not when he had discarded her love so easily.

  ‘All right?’ Gail asked softly.

  She smiled brightly. ‘Yes, fine.’

  ‘Did you post the letters?’

  The smile faded from her face and she pulled the letters out of the back pocket of her denims. She had forgotten all about them in her haste to get away. ‘I—I forgot,’ she said lamely.

  Gail looked puzzled. ‘But that’s why you went out.’

  ‘Yes. Well, I—I—’ Alexandra looked desperately from Gail to Dominic, aware only that he was giving her an odd look. ‘I just forgot.’ She ran to the door, tears welling up in her eyes again. ‘Excuse me,’ she cried chokingly before she fled.

  Dominic being here after all the things she had just heard was all too much for her, and she flung herself down on to the bed, sobbing brokenly. He shouldn’t be here, he had no right, no right. He should have stayed with his friends in London, not come back here to add fuel to the gossip—even if it was unfounded.

  She felt the bed give beside her and turned to throw herself into Gail’s arms. But it wasn’t Gail, this body was definitely male, and the arms were familiar to her. She was in Dominic’s arms! She tried to pull away from him, but he held her firm.

  ‘Alex,’ he shook her gently. ‘Alex, look at me!’

  She did so, her eyes purple smudges of pain. ‘Hello, Dominic,’ she said dully.

  ‘Hello,’ he returned huskily, looking at her with concern. ‘Now, tell me what the tears are for?’

  She drew a ragged breath. ‘It—it isn’t important.’

  ‘Important enough to make you cry,’ he insisted. ‘And it wasn’t simply that you forgot to post a few unimportant letters.’

  She pushed back her tangled black hair. ‘You shouldn’t be up here.’ She moved out of his arms and went over to the mirror, smoothing away the tears, but the evidence of their having been there was in her reddened cheeks and wet lashes. ‘People will talk,’ she muttered bitterly.

  Dominic frowned, still sitting on the rumpled bed. ‘What people? There’s only Gail downstairs.’

  ‘People have a way of finding out these things.’

  ‘I don’t see how—’ He looked at her sharply. ‘Did someone say something to you? Is that why you’re upset?’

  Alexandra shook her head. ‘No one said anything to me,’ she told him truthfully.

  He stood up, dwarfing her bedroom, his body leaner than she remembered in the fitted black silk shirt and black corduroys. ‘You have to tell me why you were upset, Alex. I have to know.’

  His manner aroused the anger in her. ‘I don’t have to tell you anything, Dominic. If I want to cry then I’ll damn well cry. I don’t have to explain my reasons to you.’

  ‘I came here today to speak to you.’

  She gave him a sharp look. ‘Why should you want to speak to me?’ she asked coldly. ‘I thought we’d said all there was to say weeks ago.’

  ‘I telephoned Trevor yesterday and asked him if he would give me his permission to marry you,’ he told her quietly.

  ‘You did what?’ she burst out, staring at him in disbelief.

  ‘I want to marry you,’ he repeated.

  ‘Really?’ she said shrilly. ‘Didn’t it occur to you to ask me before you approached Trevor?’

  ‘I had already asked you weeks ago. I thought you—’

  ‘Well, you had no right to think anything as far as I’m concerned,’ she interrupted harshly. ‘I don’t want to marry you.’

  He paled even more, his skin s
allow. ‘Three weeks ago you—’

  ‘I was told by you that I meant nothing more to you than a brief affair at most.’

  ‘I love you, Alex.’

  If Dominic had told her this a few weeks ago she would have been overjoyed, but it had come too late, too late to stop the cold hard shell that now encased her heart for him. ‘What am I supposed to say to that?’ she enquired coolly.

  ‘That you love me too?’ he said hopefully.

  ‘But I don’t,’ she told him callously. ‘Not any more.’

  Dominic took a step towards her. ‘But you can’t have just changed your mind.’

  ‘Why not? You have.’

  ‘But I love you,’ he said forcefully. ‘I love you, Alex!’

  She nodded. ‘And I suppose I should feel flattered by that, when you could just walk out on me, could just cruelly tell me that you want me but don’t want the trouble involved in going out with me. You say you love me—how long for? Until you have what you want and can change your mind again? Forget it, Dominic. You taught me a harsh lesson, but I did learn it.’

  He pulled her into his arms, kissing her with fierce desperation. ‘I love you, Alex,’ he said raggedly. ‘Please don’t turn me away,’ he pleaded, his mouth gentle on hers now, cajoling rather than demanding. ‘Kiss me, Alex,’ he begged as he gained no response from her.

  She felt cold, his lips on hers pleasant but no more than that. ‘I have no wish to kiss you.’

  His look was agonised, but his arms tightened about her. ‘I’ll make you want me. I have to make you want me,’ he said grimly. ‘I’ve been going through hell since I went to London, wondering what you were doing, who you were with.’

  ‘You left of your own free choice.’

  ‘No, no, I didn’t. I left because I knew I loved you, and it scared the hell out of me.’

  Alexandra turned away. ‘You aren’t making much sense. You say you left because you loved me, and yet before you went you told me the opposite.’

  ‘Yes,’ he sighed. ‘That night the baby was born I knew beyond doubt that I loved you, knew that if I ever had to go through that with you I wouldn’t be able to stand it. And so I did what you accused me of, I ran away. I ran away from life and committing myself to one person.’