Fear of Love

by Carole Mortimer

  And went back to Sabrina Gilbert and woman like her! That was the one thing she would never be able to forget, even if she forgave him for everything else. ‘And now you’ve changed your mind.’

  ‘Yes! Because I found I can’t live without you. I would rather have the pain of being completely vulnerable where you’re concerned than go through the agony of being without you. I want to marry you, make you mine for all time. I telephoned Trevor and asked him because I want to marry you now, not in six months’ time, but now.’

  ‘And what did he say?’

  ‘He told me to come down today and ask you myself.’

  So that was what Gail had been trying to tell her before she went out. ‘And I’m saying no,’ she said calmly.

  ‘But why? You said this was what you wanted.’

  ‘Not any more. It’s gone, Dominic, the feeling has all gone. You killed it that night you ridiculed the way I felt.’

  ‘Because I hurt you,’ he acknowledged. ‘Of course I did. But I can kiss the hurt away, get through the pain I caused by my brutality. Will you let me try?’

  She shrugged. He could kiss away the pain, but he couldn’t alter the fact that he had been with other women during his absence, certainly with Sabrina Gilbert if no other woman. ‘You can try,’ she told him. ‘But I don’t think it will work.’

  ‘It has to.’ He bent his head, parting her lips with his, his arms straining her to him as his mouth begged for her response.

  Alexandra made no effort to resist him, feeling the usual pleasure and desire she felt when in his arms, but knowing none of the flood of love she usually felt when this close to him. It was as if she were standing apart from him, watching with casual interest the expertise he used to try and arouse her.

  He lowered her gently on to the bed, parting her tee-shirt from her denims to caress the smooth flesh beneath. Alexandra liked his hands on her body, but that was all; other than that she felt numb and far removed from him.

  Dominic looked up at her. ‘This means nothing to you, does it?’

  She smiled. ‘Well, you haven’t lost your expertise, if that’s what you mean.’ How could he when he had been keeping in practice with the lovely Sabrina Gilbert! ‘You can still make me want you.’

  ‘But that’s all?’

  ‘That’s all.’

  ‘You don’t love me,’ he said with finality, his hands dropping away from her as he slumped back on the bed at her side.

  Alexandra stood up, straightening her hair with cool detachment. ‘I already told you I didn’t.’ She tucked her tee-shirt back into her denims.

  Dominic took his arm from over his eyes. ‘I do love you, Alex,’ he said softly.

  ‘And I believe you. I’m even flattered, but it came too late. A few weeks earlier and I would probably have been your slave for life, grateful for whatever love you cared to give me.’ Might even have been stupid enough to ignore his affairs! ‘But not now. I seem to have found that maturity you always said I lacked. By the way, some of that gossip you said would be flourishing about us still seems to be going the rounds. In fact the people in the village think we’ve been having assignations while you’ve been in London, conveniently far away from here, of course.’

  ‘So that’s what upset you today,’ he guessed. ‘What else did they have to say?’

  ‘Oh, not a lot,’ she dismissed. ‘I was just being silly earlier, allowing them to get under my skin.’

  He stood up, looking down at her, smoothing the hair back tenderly from her face. ‘If I’ve done this to you, I’m sorry,’ he said gently.

  She met the love clearly visible in his eyes with indifference. ‘Done what to me?’

  ‘Made you hard and uncaring.’

  She laughed, moving away from him. ‘Rather like you in the past.’

  Dominic drew a ragged breath. ‘Yes, exactly like me in the past. Is that why you’re doing it, to punish me? Because if you are it’s working. I feel hellish.’

  ‘You flatter yourself if you think I would bother with such things. I’m acting like I am because I feel nothing for you, nothing for you at all.’

  His shoulders slumped. ‘That’s that, then.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ll go.’ But still he hesitated.

  ‘Yes.’

  Gail was alone except for the baby when Alexandra came downstairs five minutes later. ‘Dominic’s just left,’ she told her.

  Alexandra nodded, sitting down on the sofa. ‘I heard the car.’

  ‘He’s pretty broken up,’ Gail continued. ‘He’s trying not to show it, but I know him too well. I’ve never seen him like that before, uncertain of himself, no self-confidence.’

  ‘He’ll get over it.’

  Gail shook her head. ‘No, he won’t. He loves you, Alexandra. I never thought I would see the day he fell like us other mortals, but I’ve seen it today.’

  ‘He doesn’t love me, Gail—at least, not as I know love. It means something different to me.’

  ‘He does love you,’ her sister insisted. ‘I admit I was a little sceptical about it when he spoke to Trevor yesterday. I didn’t believe it at first, but I do now.’

  ‘What did Trevor have to say about it?’ Curiosity was getting the better of her now.

  ‘What could he say? Besides, he thought it was up to you what you wanted to do. He never did like having to interfere between you and Roger.’

  ‘But he turned out to be right about that.’

  ‘Yes,’ Gail agreed. ‘And he’s right about this too. He believes you to be in love with Dominic. And I’m sure of it.’

  ‘No!’ Alexandra denied vehemently. ‘Dominic doesn’t know the meaning of love.’

  ‘Why do you think that? Surely there’s only one way to be in love.’

  ‘He’s still seeing Sabrina Gilbert!’ she burst out. ‘Perhaps you don’t know about her, Gail, but he’s been having an affair with her for months.’ She stood up to pace the room. ‘She was there the day I went over to his house to tell him what I thought of him for interfering in my life, she met him at the airport when he came back from Africa, and last of all,’ she took a deep breath, ‘she was at his flat when I called him a couple of weeks ago.’

  ‘After his return to London?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And that’s why you’ve built up this wall against him?’

  ‘Shouldn’t I have done?’ Alexandra demanded. ‘He said he knew he loved me when he left for London. If he can have her now he could have her after we were married.’

  ‘Tell me about this Sabrina Gilbert being at his flat.’

  Alexandra did so, explaining all about the noisy part she had heard going on in the background. ‘It really sounded as if he were missing me,’ she added dryly.

  ‘Just because this woman was at his apartment it doesn’t mean she was there with him.’

  ‘She called him darling.’

  ‘So what? It’s a common affectation amongst actresses. There was a party going on, Alexandra, as a friend of his she was bound to be there.’

  Alexandra remembered the way Dominic had said he couldn’t bring himself to make love to the actress. ‘Do you really think that’s the way it was?’ Uncertainty entered her voice.

  ‘I think you ought to give him the chance to explain.’

  ‘But I— No! No, I still maintain he doesn’t know how to love. He hurt me dreadfully.’

  ‘He’s resigned from his job.’ Gail watched her closely to gauge her reaction.

  Alexandra looked shattered. ‘He’s what?’

  ‘Resigned,’ Gail repeated calmly. ‘He wants to marry you and he doesn’t think he should carry on with that job, not knowing the danger involved.’

  ‘I—I don’t understand—’ Alexandra crumpled, the barrier she had put up against Dominic slowly evaporating. ‘He’s done this for me?’

  ‘Yes,’ Gail confirmed.

  ‘Oh, God,’ she choked. ‘And I sent him away! I was awful to him, Gail, really awful!’
/>
  Gail squeezed her hand. ‘It isn’t too late. Go to him now.’

  ‘After what I said to him I don’t think he would want to see me.’

  ‘The state he was in when he left here I think he would see you any time, day or night. Go and put him out of his misery.’ Gail halted Alexandra at the door. ‘I’ll—er—I’ll see you when I see you.’

  Alexandra gave a glowing smile. ‘Yes.’

  When she reached the house she felt as if she had played this scene before—letting herself quietly into the house, Dominic slumped in a chair, the empty glass dangling from his hand, the look of abject misery on his face.

  But this time he didn’t scowl when he saw her, rising slowly to his feet, his grey eyes avidly searching her face. ‘Alex!’ he breathed her name softly.

  ‘Just tell me if you were seeing Sabrina Gilbert when you were in London the last few weeks.’ She came straight to the point, his answer to his question vitally important to her.

  He looked surprised by the question, even mystified. ‘I’ve seen her, yes, but not in the way you mean.’

  ‘I had to know because I telephoned you and she answered. There was a party going on, by the noise I could hear.’

  ‘There seem to have been a lot of partiès lately,’ he said grimly. ‘But I think I know the one you mean—I remember answering the telephone only to find it was dead.’

  ‘I rang off,’ she explained.

  ‘You thought I was with Sabrina?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘After what I’d told you about the last time I’d seen her?’

  ‘The only thing that seemed important at the time was that she was there,’ she said stubbornly.

  He nodded. ‘She was there, with some producer or other. I haven’t been with other women, Alex. I tried, I won’t deny it, but no one attracted me. It isn’t easy admitting to yourself that you’ve fallen in love for the first time in your life at thirty-four, especially when it happens to be a mere child that you love. This last few weeks I’ve been trying to convince myself that I was mistaken. I finally gave up and admitted defeat.’

  ‘And I turned you down,’ she said softly.

  ‘Yes,’ he agreed dully.

  ‘Gail said you’ve resigned from your job,’ she continued.

  Dominic turned away to replenish his glass with whisky. ‘That’s right,’ he nodded.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m sure she told you that too.’

  ‘She did, but I would like to hear it from you.’

  His eyes narrowed. ‘Why, so that you can have something else to gloat over?’ He angrily ignored the way she flinched, slamming his glass down on the table and moving forward to shake her roughly. ‘I suppose you think I owe you this at least.’ He pushed her roughly away from him. ‘All right, Alex, I suppose I do owe you something. When Trevor was going through the agony of not knowing whether Gail was going to live or die I discovered I loved you, but I also discovered something else. I realised for the first time exactly what you must have gone through when I was in Africa, and I decided I had no right to put you through that again.’

  Alexandra frowned. ‘But you love your job.’

  ‘I love you more.’

  Now she knew it was true, knew that she was the most important thing in his life. He hadn’t been prepared to make this sacrifice for any other woman, not his first wife or any woman since. Any final barrier she might have had against him crumpled into the dust and she could only see the pain and disappointment on his face, emotions she had caused by her cold cruelty.

  ‘Oh, Dominic,’ there were tears in her eyes now. ‘I’m sorry, so sorry!’

  He shrugged. ‘You can’t help the way you feel. I’ll return to London immediately and save you any embarrassment my presence here could cause you.’

  ‘You most certainly will not,’ she denied, realising he had misunderstood the reason for her apology.

  He looked at her uncertainly. ‘I won’t?’

  ‘No,’ she smiled at him, a smile full of her love for him. ‘You can stay here and help me arrange the wedding.’

  ‘Ours?’ he asked hopefully.

  ‘Oh, definitely.’ She still smiled, moving into his arms to raise her face invitingly. ‘I love you, Dominic. I love you very much.’

  His hands trembled as he touched her face, searching her features as if unsure of her sincerity. ‘But you said—’

  She silenced him by placing her fingertips over his lips, shivering with delight as she felt him kissing her sensitive skin. ‘I was hurt, darling, hurt and bewildered. For a while I really thought I did hate you, but that was only because I loved you so much. I know how silly that sounds, but it’s the truth. Gail brought me to my senses after you’d left.’

  ‘Clever Gail,’ he said huskily. ‘Can I kiss you now?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ she answered shyly.

  ‘You’ll respond this time? I don’t think I could bear your coldness towards me again.’

  ‘Try me,’ she invited.

  His mouth touched hers, tenatively at first, deepening the kiss as her mouth flowered beneath his, his arms straining her to the hardness of his body. His touch soon had her trembling and aroused within seconds, their bodies heated and on fire for each other.

  Dominic buried his face in her throat and she wasn’t sure if the tears on her cheeks were from her own happiness or his. He held her to him as if he would never let her go again—and she hoped he never would.

  ‘You don’t have to give up your job for me, Dominic.’ He would never know the effort it cost her to say this. ‘It’s part of your life, a part you enjoy.’

  He shook his head. ‘Not any more, not if it takes me away from you. And we—we could have a family one day.’

  ‘We could?’ she asked breathlessly.

  ‘Yes,’ he said huskily.

  ‘Oh, Dominic, I love you!’

  He smiled tightly. ‘I’ve been offered the chance of directing and appearing in another current affairs programme that will keep me closer to home. Any overseas work will be carried out by someone else.’

  ‘And will you like that?’ Alexandra realised that the subject of a family was still a touchy one as far as he was concerned, but at least he had talked about it.

  ‘Any new show is a challenge, and I like challenge. Look how long it’s taken me to tame you,’ he added teasingly.

  She quirked an eyebrow. ‘You think I’m tamed?’

  He laughed softly. ‘I know you’re not, but I like your wildness, I always have. How long do you think it will be before we can be married?’

  ‘A couple of months, I suppose.’ She heard him groan. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I want you now.’

  ‘I’m not saying no,’ she told him throatily. ‘And Gail more or less told me to stay here as long as I wanted to.’

  ‘She’s becoming very broadminded—but I’m not,’ he said firmly. ‘I have no intention of making love to you until we’re married.’

  ‘Back to the cold showers?’ she teased.

  Dominic grimaced. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘Poor darling!’ she smoothed back his blond hair.

  His arms tightened about her. ‘But that doesn’t mean I can’t kiss you.’

  She looked at him below lowered lashes. ‘I hope not.’

  ‘Although it will be up to you not to be too much of a temptation.’

  Alexandra gave him a demure look. ‘Yes, darling.’

  He gave a triumphant laugh. ‘I bet,’ he chuckled. ‘Never mind, I think this kind of hell I can take.’ He bent to kiss her again.

  Alexandra looked anxiously at her husband, knowing the last hours had been traumatic ones for him. Perhaps she had been selfish after all to have made him suffer the agony of seeing her go through childbirth, but to her the ultimate end had seemed worth it—the beautiful baby lying in the cot beside her bed, their daughter Emma.

  The last eighteen months of marriage to Dominic had been the happiest time she had eve
r known, their love deepening and becoming more precious to each of them as each day passed. But her happiness had reached new heights when she had found she was to have Dominic’s child. Dominic had seemed pleased too, but throughout her pregnancy she had known he had an overwhelming dread of the actual birth taking place.

  And now it was over, and Dominic had stayed at her side through it all. He hadn’t spoken a word since they had been left alone and she wasn’t sure what to say to him. Had she made a terrible mistake in putting him through all this?—although it couldn’t be said she was solely to blame. The physical side of their marriage had been perfect from their wedding night, and a family had really been inevitable, with the passion they had for each other.

  She licked her lips. ‘Dominic?’

  He looked at her dazedly, dragging his gaze away from the sleeping baby. ‘Mm?’ he asked vaguely.

  ‘Do you like her?’

  ‘Like her?’ he repeated.

  ‘The baby,’ she prompted.

  He smiled, a deep tender smile that encompassed them both. ‘She’s beautiful, like her mother,’ he squeezed her hand as it lay on the bed. ‘I wouldn’t have missed seeing her born for anything, it was the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.’

  Alexandra was still a little uncertain. ‘Really? You aren’t just saying that?’

  ‘It was beautiful, Alex,’ he reassured her. ‘Nothing like I expected it to be after Trevor’s experience with Gail. And you were so good, my darling, I was so proud of you. I have only one complaint to make to my young daughter.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘She’s made it impossible for me to make love to you just lately.’

  She gave a husky laugh. ‘Not for much longer!’

  Dominic sat on the side of the bed, holding her fiercely against him. ‘I hope not. I love you so much that the last few weeks have been a form of torture.’

  ‘You surely didn’t still find me attractive and desirable in that state?’

  He kissed her gently on the mouth. ‘I find you attractive and desirable all the time—even now,’ and his mouth hardened with passion on hers.

  Alexandra returned his kiss, the last shadow of uncertainty about having the baby at last removed. The baby had increased their love for each other, and that was the way it should be.