by Ford, Mia
“I’m pretty sure that going home and sleeping it off would be the best cure.”
“No way.” Hannah tugs on my arm. “Come on, we had fun last night. Don’t you want to have fun again? It seems like our plan to take down Zoe is working anyway. She hasn’t been in work all day.”
I dart my eyes frantically between Hannah and Court. “That was just talk though, right? We haven’t actually done something to ‘take her down’, have we? Because much as I’m pissed off with her, I don’t want to turn it in to some big hate campaign at the office. That isn’t really the way to handle it.”
I don’t miss the look that they share before Court answers me. “I think she left this morning after you argued with her, Wesley. That got pretty ugly quickly, didn’t it? If you called her out on her behavior, then she probably didn’t want to stick around as everyone found her out. Liars don’t like to be confronted.”
“Hmm, I guess I didn’t see her after that argument. But I did tell her to leave me alone…”
“So, she did.” Court shrugs. “That’s good news. But serious, I don’t want to spend tonight talking about Zoe fucking Portwood. I want to go out and have fun and I’m sure that you two want the same thing.”
Hannah grins and nods before they both stare at me expectantly. I know that they want me to agree, so as much as I don’t really want to, I feel myself nodding. I only have to go out for one, don’t I? Then I can make an escape. Once the two of them have started drinking and they are distracted, I can head home guilt free.
“Come on then,” I say wearily. “Let’s head out. Hair of the dog, could be fun.”
They cheer and high five like teenagers before we leave the office and we head back to the bar where we spent most of the night last night. Well until we headed to some club where I puked on someone… dear God, why am I so weak that I’m allowing myself to get dragged in to this all over again? I don’t even enjoy it; I have already made the decision that this isn’t the life for me. But it’s the only way that I can block out my pain. The pain that has been caused by the only woman that I have ever fallen for and her damn lies.
My fists curl up by my sides, I feel like I could lash out at any given moment. I have to really resist the urge to keep this anger and hurt inside. I can’t let anyone see that this shit is still affecting me. Court is right. We need to stop talking about Zoe, stop thinking about her. I need to get over her already…
Once at the bar, the three of us sink drinks quickly. Shots, pints, spirits, the whole shebang. To be honest, it does help my hang over a bit because it teeters me back in to drunk very quickly, but it doesn’t make me happy. The more liquid that Court and Hannah consume, the happier they become. The louder and more bubbly, the more sociable and fun. I was like that last night as well because it was what I needed, but tonight the booze makes me sink in on myself. Every sip makes me smaller and sadder, less able to talk to people. The more people that Court and Hannah invite over to our table, the more irritated I become.
I need to go. I should get the hell out of here just like I planned. But I need some more drinks first. Lots more drinks so that when I go back home, I can get straight in to bed and sleep this shit off.
“Hannah likes you,” Court suddenly whispers to me, making me jump. “She has always liked you.””
“Huh?” I can barely even work out what he’s saying right now. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that you should ask her out on a date already. She’s hot, isn’t she? She’s fun as well. The two of you get on well. Why don’t you get over your last bad… situation by having a good time with someone who is straight forward and actually gives a shit about you? Because believe me, that is Hannah.”
“Hannah?” I haven’t ever considered that before because I haven’t ever really gotten on with her. I don’t even know if we get on well now. Drunk fun isn’t exactly a real life bond, is it? “I don’t know…”
“She’s good in bed.” He wiggles his eyebrows a me. “Believe me. She is a freak.”
“You have slept with her?” I demand. “Do you like her? Why are you trying to set me up with her?”
“We just fucked a couple of times. No feelings there. Nothing serious. But you two…”
Urgh God, is that how Zoe sees me and her? That we ‘fucked’ a couple of times with no feelings behind it? Because that is really sad. Especially when I always saw it as so much more. There is no chance in hell that me and Hannah are ever going to be a thing, but if I’m going to have to hear Court talk about it for even a moment longer, then I’m going to need a lot more to drink. I don’t even care if it makes me throw up again, I just want to forget. To block it all out until my mind is blank again.
* * *
Everything is spinning. The whole building is moving like crazy, making it impossible for me to remain upright. Plus, the loud music and the bright lights aren’t helping. How the hell am I supposed to work out where I am when everything is conspiring against me in such a crazy way?
“Come on, Wesley.” Hannah tugs hard on my hand. “Come and dance with me already.”
I don’t want to dance with her anyway. I’m not a dancer at the best of times, but ever since Court told me that Hannah is after me, I know that I can’t. The dance floor can be a sexy place where people try to kiss one another, and I don’t want to get in a situation where I have to reject Hannah. I have enough problems as it is.
“I need to go outside,” I tell her firmly. “I need to get some fresh air. I feel sick.”
“But you can’t leave me here alone. Court is over there making out with some random girl…”
“If you are jealous, go and stop him.” God, I will try anything by this point.
“I’m not jealous,” she snaps, managing to sound a little jealous. “I don’t care about him. It isn’t him that I like.”
“Oh, but look he’s waving you over,” I lie while pointing in to the crowd. “I think that he needs you. I just need to go outside and get some fresh air and I will be back. I can’t be sick on you.”
The idea of me puking on her like I did that poor girl last night has her pulling away from me. “You come back soon though,” she purrs. “Because I miss you already. But I think you already know that.”
Has that always been a thing? I wonder as I push through the crowds. Has Hannah always wanted me, and I haven’t noticed because I haven’t wanted to? I don’t want to assume that her reasons for taking down Zoe have more to do with her feelings than helping me, but it’s in my mind now and I can’t stop. I really am worried.
“She wouldn’t make this shit up, would she?” I ask myself as I break out in to the refreshing cold night air. “She wouldn’t destroy me and Zoe for her own good? No, no one would ever do that.”
But I can’t be one hundred percent sure, which I seriously hope is because of the booze. I guess there is definitely someone in my life that I can’t trust, but who the hell is it? Is it Zoe or Hannah and Court? My friends or the woman that I assumed I was falling for? Fucking hell, I’m too drunk to figure this out.
“Zoe didn’t deny it,” I remind myself. “She didn’t deny that she was lying. Why not?”
“Are you talking to me?” some drunk girl asks me. “Or you are like some sort of freak?”
I don’t answer her, but I do move away, not wanting to get mixed up in any other conversation tonight. That starts me on my journey home, which I decide to just roll with. It isn’t like I want to go back in to that club anyway. It’s a nightmare in there. I need some space to figure it all out alone.
I didn’t let Zoe deny it; I realize as I move. I just yelled and then stormed off. She had no time.
My yelling sent her home from work. But that might not be because I called her out. Instead it might be because I was an asshole to her. Not just the once, twice. Perhaps, even though it’s scary, I should give her a chance to talk. I should let her explain her side of the story, even if I don’t want to hear it.
“You are drunk,�
� I complain, speaking aloud to myself again. “This is a drunk idea.”
But that doesn’t stop me from pulling out my cell phone and calling her. It’s stupid and I know that I’m making myself vulnerable by inviting her games in to my life again, but apologizing for being a dick seems like the right thing to do. I guess even if it turns out not to be, at least I will have tried.
But I don’t get to speak to her because the call rings right through to the voice mail. I guess she isn’t speaking to me for which I really can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. Probably never again.
“So, I was a dick,” I slur into the machine. “And I am sorry about that. I should have… listened. But Hannah… well, Hannah. She likes me so I guess that changes things. At least, I think it does, I don’t know. Because you never said… you never told me either way. So, I don’t really know. But I wasn’t quiet, was I? So, you didn’t get the chance to… to tell me whatever.” Am I even making sense? I have no idea. In my drunken state, I know what I want to say but I don’t know if it’s coming out right. “Sorry, this is all just… I’m talking but not really saying much. I’m not saying what I want to say really. I want to know… I want to know why you did that. Why you picked on me like that. If. I guess that’s a question as well. I don’t know, I’m all fucked up about this now.”
I hang up quickly, wishing that I hadn’t bothered. I don’t think that message is going to help things at all. I don’t think anything I have done will. I just keep making it worse at every single turn, everything I do is stupid. I grab my forehead, willing the head ache away, desperately wishing that some answers would replace that pain instead. I don’t know what to do next and that is destroying me.
Chapter Fourteen
Zoe
“What the hell are you trying to say to me?” I demand at the voice mail message, as if that’s actually going to get me some answers. “It is way too early in the morning for your drunken shit, Wesley.”
Actually, I guess it wasn’t when he left the message just before midnight. But since he’s clearly wasted in it, I can only assume he didn’t really want to call me anyway. It’s only because he’s so damn drunk. It doesn’t really matter what he has to say to me, I shouldn’t even bother to listen to it. But I have to admit that his words have gotten under my skin and I’m kinda messy because of them. It feels like he was trying to communicate something important with me and I don’t know what. Even if he’s been an asshole to me, I want to know what.
“Damn it, you idiot,” I murmur to myself. “Why can’t you just leave me alone already? All of you.”
Everyone has hurt me, and that’s the problem. All of them. Everyone has been gossiping, which is utter bullshit and very upsetting, everyone has been spreading these rumors and making them spin further. No one has done anything to stop them. Not even my best friend at the office. Or the person that I thought was my best friend anyway. But I guess not since she has stabbed me in the back more than all of them by starting this. She has said all sorts about me, the worst things that someone can say about another person, and she’s loved every moment of bringing me down. Hurting me over and over again. She wants me weak and that’s what she’s made me.
Or at least she did anyway. She made me weak yesterday, but I have made the active decision not to feel that way anymore. Let them spread rumors and say whatever they want about me. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is me holding my head up high, getting passed it all, and doing the best job that I can do. The best people always have to face resistance, that’s a big part of life and being successful. I can handle it, I have to.
I should be thankful to Hannah anyway because at least she has shown me what sort of man Wesley is. I might not like what he has done to me, but at least it’s happened now before we’re too much in love and we have our baby. I would rather be let down and disappointed right at this moment than later on. It’s better for everyone.
“You can do this,” I tell my reflection in the mirror. “Look at you. You even look like a boss today. You can.”
I smooth down my pencil skirt and fiddle with the collar on my blouse, trying to ignore the anxiety zig zagging in my stomach. The pep talk is working… just a little bit. But it isn’t quite enough.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I panic as my phone starts ringing, my initial fear is that it’s going to be Wesley calling me again. My hand actually shakes as I lift it up again. But then I see Jessica’s name and I immediately relax. This is good, what I need. If I can’t drag myself out of this crazy pit of worry, then she will be able to.
“Hey, Jessica,” I answer happily. “How are things with you? It’s been a while.”
“I know, right! Sorry about that, it’s totally my fault. Work has just been crazy.”
I glance at my watch while I listen to more details about celebrities I don’t know, and I note that I have plenty of time for one last coffee before I have to leave. So, as I listen, I pour myself a mug.
“Anyway, what’s going on with you?” she finally asks. “How are you doing? You’ve been a bit down…”
“Er, yes,” I admit. “It’s been a bit of a crazy time to be honest. I just haven’t had a chance to tell you about it.”
“Is it to do with that dick head ex of yours? Because I can come and kick some ass?”
“No, nothing to do with him.” I sigh loudly. “It’s actually more complicated than that.”
“Uh oh. Probably a good job that I’m sitting down then. Tell all because I am seriously worried about you.”
I take a seat myself and sip my coffee while mentally preparing myself to start at the beginning. “Okay, so this all starts a few months ago, just after I was left at the altar.” She makes a pissed off noise, which she really doesn’t need to. I know exactly how she feels about the whole situation. “I… spent the night with a colleague.”
“Spent the night? What the hell do you mean? You can’t mean… well, what I think you do?” My silence must speak volumes. “But I thought that you were waiting for marriage. Wasn’t that your whole thing?”
“Waiting for marriage didn’t exactly work out for me,” I reply wryly. “And it wasn’t exactly planned. I ended up getting drunk and just kinda falling into bed with this guy who I fight with a lot at work.”
“Okay, so this is the one that you were telling me about before, right? This is the hot one.”
I let out a little laugh. “I guess so. Hot but trouble. Well, after that night, we didn’t exactly talk to one another and I thought that was going to be the end of it. But it wasn’t.”
“You slept with him again?” she asks me knowingly. “And now you can’t stop?”
“Kind of, but it’s worse than that.” I suck in a worried breath. As soon as I admit this to Jessica it’s going to become even more real than it already is. But I’m going to have to. “I’m pregnant.”
Nothing. I get nothing back. I don’t know what I was expecting Jessica to do, yell at me maybe, but she’s giving me nothing back. If I couldn’t hear her breathing, I would think that she has hung up on me.
“So, yes… I’m having a baby.” I decide to carry on because otherwise I might not get the rest of the story out. “And it was bad at first, but then he started being nice to me. Treating me well and we ended up sleeping together again… only it didn’t really feel like we were just sleeping together, it was a relationship. I thought that despite our bad start we were going to be together and be a real family. I assumed we would make it work.”
“I am getting red flags all over the shop.” Jessica replies croakily. “What did he do?”
“One of the girls in the office told him that I make up pregnancies all the time. That this is something that I do all the time to get promoted at work.” Shit, I missed that bit out. “Oh, which was made worse because I got picked for a promotion over him even though he is way more qualified for it than me.”
“You must be more deserving. It’s as simpl
e as that. And who the hell is this gossiping bitch?”
“She’s called Hannah, and she’s a bit of a nightmare to be honest. But this is the worst thing she’s done.”
“But your guy didn’t have to believe her,” Jessica argues. “Why would he take her side over yours? That doesn’t make any sense. He must know that you wouldn’t lie about this sort of thing… God, ‘this sort of thing’, I can’t believe I’m saying that about you having a baby. I haven’t skipped over that part.”
“Don’t worry, I know,” I laugh. “It’s just a crazy story. I don’t know why he believes her. It’s awful. It leaves me not really knowing what to do about the whole thing. I want to just get away from him.”
“You should come here!” Jessica gasps with excitement. “I keep telling you to come but you always have an excuse not to. Well, you don’t anymore. You sound like you really need to get out of that place which is the perfect time to come for a vacation here. You can come for a short time or a really long time, I don’t mind.”
I love the idea of escaping, even just for a little while. Getting the hell out of here and all the way to New York where I can regroup and properly decide what I’m going to do. With my actual best friend who I can trust with my whole life. But I can’t turn my back on the job now, just when I have been given it, can I? Plus, Grandma needs me as well. I can’t just abandon her during her hour of need. I would like to run away from all of my problems, but it isn’t possible. There is too much of my life that needs me here.
“I will think about it,” I tell Jessica vaguely. She can read between the lines, she knows that this means no, but it’s my way of letting her down gently. Only because it really isn’t possible at the moment. “Let you know.”
“I hope you do. New York could be good for you, you know. It has really transformed me.”
It has as well. She is a much more confident well rounded person these days. The city has been good for her. But I’m a different person to her. I don’t know if it’s going to work out the same for me. I don’t feel like the sort of person who could flourish in a place where I will become faceless and nameless, just another body in the crowd. Maybe I’m wrong and it would actually be good for me, but I can’t see it.