When He Returns

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  It was as if his heart knew that his music was the only way to give voice to his feelings right then. Sierra had given no indication that she viewed him as anything but a friend. From what he’d seen, she treated him much the same way she did Elliot.

  Still, it didn’t appear that lack of feeling on her side was going to stem the emotions and music from him.

  By the time the flow of music and words slowed to a trickle, Dalton was left with a satisfying exhaustion and an overwhelming urge to go to Sierra and play the song for her. But he wouldn’t. He wasn’t at the point yet where he was willing to risk what they had—the friendship that had grown between them. She was too important in his life for him to chance losing her.

  Being in her presence was soothing for Dalton. Even if other things were rattling him, causing him to feel that familiar restlessness, being with Sierra calmed him. It was something no one else could do for him. And wasn’t that how it should be? Shouldn’t the person he loved be the one that brought peace and joy to his life rather than stress and upset?

  Resting his hands on the strings of the guitar, Dalton thought about the relationships he’d witnessed in his life. The volatile ones of his bandmates when they had allowed themselves to be drawn too hastily into relationships, compared to the calmer more emotionally deep relationships of his parents and siblings. Not that there weren’t fights between them, but at the end of the day, neither his parents or siblings were looking for a way to escape each other’s presence or flinging accusations that came from a place of jealousy or mistrust.

  That’s what he’d seen a lot of from his bandmates. More often than not, there had been rejected calls and unanswered pages from the lobbies of their apartment buildings. They’d been more interested in the convenient sex, not the complexities of a relationship. Even though he’d had the same opportunities and no restrictions on what he could do, Dalton hadn’t been as interested in what was being freely offered by the women who followed them around.

  Which was kind of why he didn’t know what to do about what he’d just discovered regarding his feelings for Sierra. He couldn’t talk to Danica or JD since Sierra was close to them. He thought maybe he’d try Jesse, but his friend hadn’t responded to the email or the texts he’d sent over the past few days.

  Now that he knew that the song had substance, Dalton had something more he wanted to talk to Jesse about. Though he supposed it didn’t really matter that he was writing music again, since the band didn’t need songs anymore. Not that the song he’d just finished would have been suitable for the band, even if they’d still been planning to release a new album anytime soon.

  With the basic outline of the song completed, Dalton got to his feet and put his guitar back where he’d picked it up from earlier. It was after midnight by that time, and he was exhausted. Moving slowly, he picked up his notebook and pen and took them with him to his bedroom. He dropped them on his nightstand, then went to get ready for bed.

  All through his nighttime routine, Dalton found that without the music as a distraction, he had nothing to keep his thoughts from constantly going to Sierra. How was he going to face her with this new knowledge? Would he be able to act naturally the next time he saw her?

  Once done with his toothbrush, he put it back in the holder by the sink then braced his hands on the vanity’s smooth surface. His thumbs beat out a nervous rhythm as he stared at himself in the mirror.

  There were times when he was still caught off-guard by his reflection. After seeing a man with long hair and a gaunt face staring back at him in the mirror for so many years, he still wasn’t really used to his new appearance.

  New appearance, but still all his same old issues.

  Sure, he wasn’t using drugs anymore, but he was just one bad day away from an attempt to find some. He would always be an addict. A recovering one, sure, but an addict, nonetheless.

  Sierra deserved better than that.

  She deserved a man like Ethan or Dalton’s brothers. Men that had no history of substance abuse or chronically bad decisions. Men who were settled in their careers. Men who shared her strong faith.

  Definitely not a messed up, former addict, unemployed rock star.

  Dalton shoved himself back from the vanity and turned away from the mirror. Though he was grateful that it appeared he still had music within him, Dalton wished it hadn’t shown itself because of his feelings for Sierra.

  Ignoring the notebook, Dalton crawled into bed then snapped off the lamp on the nightstand. He flopped over on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Small patches of light from the lamp posts on the street outside snuck past the edges of his curtains. He blinked slowly, wishing that somehow, everything that was wrong and confusing in his world would right itself and become clear.

  Fingers of anxiety crept up his spine toward his neck.

  He didn’t know how to deal with stuff like this. Even being happy that his music had returned wasn’t enough to offset the anxiety that the realization of his feelings for Sierra had brought to life. He wanted to do something about those feelings, but he didn’t know what.

  Was he supposed to just tell her?

  But what if she rejected him? Which, if she were smart, she would. For all his money and talent, he definitely wasn’t a catch. Not for someone like Sierra.

  With a sigh, Dalton turned over and punched his pillow. He wished he had something that would calm his mind and blur the thoughts that wouldn’t leave him alone.

  In the end, he forced himself to focus on the song he’d written that day, fleshing out the harmonies in his mind. He managed to separate his feelings for Sierra from the music enough that sleep drew nearer and nearer until it finally claimed him.

  Though Dalton’s plan for the next day had been to take a taxi to the hospital closer to the time Sierra’s shift ended, he decided to go with Danica when she took Makayla up. He figured it was better to be around people than to be on his own in the apartment with nothing but his own thoughts and doubts for company.

  “Are you just planning to sit around the hospital all day?” Makayla asked when she climbed into Danica’s car.

  “That’s the plan for now,” he said with a shrug, even though she couldn’t see him from her spot in the front seat.

  “It will probably be boring for you.”

  “I’ll be fine. That’s the nice thing about phones nowadays. You can use them to help alleviate boredom and actually accomplish things even in a hospital waiting room.”

  Makayla was silent for a moment before she said, “I sure hope Ethan wakes up today.”

  “We’re all hoping and praying for that,” Danica said. “It’s so hard waiting.”

  “And there’s nothing they can give him to wake him up?” Dalton asked.

  “No,” Makayla said with a weary sigh. “The medicine is out of his system, so there’s nothing on that end that’s preventing him from waking up. There might be something physical though. That’s what we don’t know.”

  When they got to the hospital, Makayla went in to see Ethan right away while Danica and Dalton settled themselves in the waiting room. There were a couple other people in the room, their faces showing the same strain that Dalton was getting used to seeing on Makayla and Sierra’s faces.

  “Did you eat breakfast this morning?” Danica asked.

  Dalton glanced up from his phone then shook his head. He hadn’t been hungry after his restless night.

  “I’m going to get us some coffee and breakfast from Tim’s. Are you okay to say here with Makayla?”

  “As long as nothing catastrophic happens, I’ll be fine.”

  Danica gave him a skeptical look then said, “If it does, just call me, and I’ll come right back.”

  Dalton watched her walk away before looking back down at his phone. He pulled his earbuds from his pocket and put them in his ears then opened the composer app on his phone. It wasn’t an ideal way to compose his music, but when he had no other options, it worked.

  He was able to ente
r the melody he’d come up with the night before then he began to play with chords, slowly working through the song. He was so caught up in the music that he didn’t know Danica had returned until she bumped his shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as she held out a tray that held three cups.

  He pulled his earbuds out and set his phone aside before taking the drink tray. “Just some music.”

  Her eyebrows rose as she looked up from the bag she held. “New music?”

  “Yeah.”

  She frowned as her shoulders slumped. “Are you going to be putting out a new album with the band?”

  “I don’t know yet,” he told her. “Still trying to sort things out with management.”

  Which was why he wished that Jesse would get back to him. It had been about a week since he’d last been in contact with him for an update.

  “If you’re taking opinions,” Danica began, but Dalton cut her off.

  “I’m not, but even without you voicing it, I’m pretty sure I know what yours is.”

  Her frown remained in place as she reached over to work one of the cups free from the tray. After she set it on the small table beside her chair, she worked another one free.

  “That one is yours.” She put the other cup down then reached into the bag and pulled out something and handed it to him. “Toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese.”

  “Thank you,” Dalton said, surprised that she still wanted to give him anything.

  He welcomed his first sip of coffee, hoping that it would wake him up. After a couple more sips, he unwrapped the bagel and took a bite. Though he hadn’t thought he was hungry, it tasted good enough that he managed to finish it quickly.

  “I’m sorry I was short with you,” he said once he was done. “It’s just that I know how you all feel about it. You want me to quit the band and come back to Winnipeg to live. Hearing it from you again when I already know it won’t make it any more or less likely to happen. I have things I need to consider that are beyond just me.”

  Danica sighed. “I know. It’s just hard to even contemplate you leaving after having just gotten you back.”

  “Even if I did leave again, it would be different this time,” Dalton said, confident he was telling her the truth. “I wouldn’t cut off contact like I did last time.”

  “Do you promise?” she asked, her skepticism clear.

  “Yes, but I’m an adult now, and I have obligations I might not be able to fulfill from here. I built a whole other life in Toronto.”

  “One that almost killed you,” Danica muttered.

  He couldn’t argue with her there, but he’d like to think he’d be able to keep himself from sliding back into that part of the lifestyle. The addiction center had told him they had contacts available in Toronto to support him if he made the decision to return there.

  Over the next several hours, Dalton watched Makayla come and go from the waiting room. Each time she returned with the news that Ethan was still unconscious, he could see the anticipation she’d had as they’d weaned Ethan off the sedation medication, slowly slipping away. He was pretty sure the only thing that was keeping her from completely melting down was the fact that the scans still showed that he had brain activity.

  As long as he had that, they had hope.

  Shortly after six, Sierra showed up. She’d changed out of her scrubs and wore a pair of denim capris and a dark green T-shirt. Though she looked tired, she managed a smile for them.

  Sierra took a turn to go in and see Ethan, but when she returned a short time later, her expression looked as discouraged as Makayla’s had. As he watched her talk with Makayla and Danica, the words of his song played in his head.

  He wished he had the right to hold her hand. To pull her close. To wipe her tears. To share her joys. But he didn’t have that right, and he might never have it if she didn’t feel for him the way he felt for her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Afraid of what his expression might reveal if he looked at Sierra, Dalton lowered his head to stare at his phone. When he felt movement at his side, he glanced over, not surprised to see Sierra had taken the seat next to him.

  “How was your day?” he asked as he straightened, turning his phone over in his hand. Unable to keep from looking at her, he turned, immediately noticing the smudges beneath her eyes that meant she was still struggling with getting enough sleep.

  “Super busy, but it was also good.” She gave him a small smile. “No matter what might go wrong, as long as no one dies, it’s a good day.”

  “I would guess that some of your good days are still more challenging than other people’s bad ones.”

  “True, but it’s the nature of the job, and I knew that when I took it on.”

  He heard an alert and watched as Sierra pulled her phone out of her pocket. She read something on her screen, her brows drawing together and a frown pulling down the corners of her mouth the longer she focused on it. He was glad to see she was using her new phone, but clearly whatever she was reading wasn’t making her happy.

  “Have you talked to Jesse lately?” she asked without taking her gaze off the screen.

  “No, I haven’t. I’ve actually been trying to get hold of him, but he’s not responding.”

  Sierra glanced at him and seemed to be trying to make a decision of some sort. Finally, she held out her phone to him.

  Warily, he took it, and after giving her another glance, he looked at the screen.

  Is Dalton’s Cross Done?

  The headline of the article caused a knot to form in his stomach. Bracing himself, he began to read further.

  With one band member dead and lead singer, Dalton, out of the picture, it appears some of the other members are looking at moving on. Anonymous sources shared with us that Jesse O’Shea has been in talks with LA-based heavy metal band, Warfare. Though there has been no official announcement, it seems the writing is on the wall for Dalton’s Cross.

  Shock burned through Dalton. Jesse was talking to another band?

  Without reading any further, Dalton shoved the phone back at Sierra and got to his feet. He pulled out his own phone and headed toward the exit from the waiting room.

  “Dalton, wait,” Sierra said, grabbing his hand as he passed her.

  He looked down at her, taking in the concern on her face. Giving her fingers a light squeeze, he said, “I’ll be back. I just need to make a phone call.”

  She seemed reluctant to release him, but finally, she did, and he turned away, not wanting her to see what he was feeling.

  As he made his way to the exit of the hospital, a tsunami of betrayal swept over him, filling every space inside him, threatening to suffocate him. It wasn’t that he expected Jesse to stick with him for the rest of their lives, but he should have been hearing about this from him, not from an article with a quote from an anonymous source.

  If he hadn’t seen the footage of Jesse in LA, he wouldn’t have given any credence to a quote by an “anonymous source.” But having seen the proof that Jesse had been in LA, plus the fact that he wasn’t returning any of his calls made him think that the source knew what they were talking about.

  The tide of betrayal began to pull back, leaving anger and hurt in its wake. Clutching his phone tightly in his hand, Dalton strode from the hospital, looking around for a place to stand while he made the phone call. He wished that there was a park nearby where he could go, but this particular hospital was in the heart of the city, surrounded by lots of buildings and not much green space.

  Spotting some benches across the street in front of the parkade, Dalton crossed at the crosswalk then settled on the far end of one. He sat for a moment, head bent, trying to figure out how best to approach this. His insides were shaking, and it felt like a hundred million ants were moving beneath his skin, all with a single destination in mind: that place in his brain that was already telling him that this would be much easier to deal with if he had a hit of something.

  He rubbed the palm of
his hand up and down his thigh, the denim rough against his skin. His leg bounced as he tried to formulate his thoughts. He’d never had to confront Jesse about anything. That’s not how their friendship had been. Jesse had always been the one to deal with the tough stuff.

  Maybe the guy had just wanted out of a band where all he had were problematic bandmates. Maybe he’d just wanted to play music without having to run interference all the time. Maybe he wanted friendships and professional relationships that weren’t stressful like the ones he had had with Dalton and Angel.

  Dalton lifted his head to stare into the distance, not even seeing the buildings across the street. The noise of the cars and conversation receded, leaving just his thoughts to yell loudly in his head.

  I’m too much trouble.

  He could hardly blame Jesse for wanting to be free of him and the other guys in the band. They’d been a train wreck from day one. It was a miracle they’d been able to actually produce music and perform. The only thing they’d had going for them was their incredible talent. It was the only reason they’d been able to keep going for as long as they had.

  Jesse deserved a chance to enjoy performing without having to worry that one or more of them would be high when they finally made it onto the stage. Dalton had heard about the band that Jesse was supposedly in talks with and knew that they had a better image overall even if they were a heavy metal band. At least none of them had had to go into rehab that he was aware of.

  Dalton let out a long sigh, his head dropping forward, his gaze focusing in on his phone. Maybe it wasn’t necessary for him to phone Jesse for an explanation. Maybe all he needed to do was congratulate him and wish him luck for his future.

  The ants continued to crawl beneath his skin, and his fingers trembled slightly as he tapped out a message to his friend.

  Heard about the possibility of you going with Warfare! Hope it works out for you. Best of luck!

  Dalton stared at the message for a moment before he tapped to send it. The air rushed out of his lungs, and the ants marching under his skin picked up their pace, each one shouting their message.