Finding Abel (Rebel Hearts Book 1)

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I shook my head.

  She nodded slowly, hands fidgeting furiously with the hem of her shirt. “Are you really walking away from your music?”

  I dropped my arms. “I didn’t let you in to talk about my music career, so if you’re hoping for a scoop to sell, you won’t get one.”

  She chewed her lip and took another look around before meeting my hard gaze again. “Why did you let me in? Instead of just slamming the door in my face. That’s what I expected.”

  “I wanted to,” I admitted. “But I can’t leave shit the way we did. I’m still pissed off, and it still feels like you stuck a fucking knife in my gut, but I don’t have the energy to keep hating you. I just want to understand. I want you to tell me the truth. I want to know so that I can let go and move on.”

  Kat’s eyes found the floor and stayed rooted there. “I have to tell you something that might make you change your mind about hating me.”

  My stomach clenched. “Was the baby Gio’s?”

  Her head snapped up. “What?”

  “He said something, that it might have been his. Were you sleeping with him too?”

  She blinked rapidly, tears pooling. “I was, but he didn’t get me pregnant.”

  I clenched my jaw and mentally reminded myself that I’d already come to terms with the fact that they’d been screwing. This was nothing more than confirmation.

  “How can you be sure?” I growled. It wasn’t jealousy that pissed me off. I couldn’t care less about the two of them screwing, except that she’d played me, trying to make me out to be the selfish, uncaring, commitment-phobic asshole, all while she’d been screwing my bandmate.

  She let out a hollow sort of laugh. “I’m sure.”

  “Did you have an abortion?”

  She shook her head. “No. I didn’t . . . because there was no baby.”

  Whatever I’d thought she was going to say, that wasn’t it.

  I stood frozen while those two words replayed over and over.

  No baby.

  No baby?

  She was never pregnant?

  “What the fuck?” I finally sputtered. “I saw the ultrasound.”

  She jerked her head side to side, tears spilling down her cheeks now. “It wasn’t mine. I faked it.”

  Un-fucking-believable.

  My mind reeled, and my heartrate climbed through the roof. I couldn’t get enough air.

  I needed to sit.

  I staggered into the kitchen and dropped onto one of the barstools, yanking a hand roughly through my hair. How could she . . . why . . .

  I raised my head and met her watery gaze. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I rasped.

  She shook her head, biting her lip and then whispered. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” I stood, suddenly all of my anger rising up like a tidal wave. “You faked a fucking pregnancy, forced me to marry you, and then pretended to lose the baby, and you can’t even give me a damn explanation?”

  “I’m sorry,” she whimpered, hugging her arms tight around herself. “I didn’t mean for it to go like this. I just . . .”

  “You just what?” I sneered, taking two angry strides toward her.

  She threw her hands up. “I don’t know, okay! I thought I could make you love me! You never let me in. You never really gave us a chance because you weren’t willing to feel anything for me. I kept thinking that would change, but it didn’t. The whole time I was just a fling to you. I’m twenty-five years old. Do you know what the shelf life of a model is? I can’t do this forever. I’m coming up on the end of my career, and then what? I don’t have anything else, Abel. So I thought if you believed I was pregnant it would make you more open to giving us a real chance, or at the very least I could secure a future for myself.”

  “By forcing me to marry you and then divorcing me and taking my money?”

  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not worth shit, Katya. You need to go now.”

  She lifted her chin and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “I’m not proud of what I did, Abel. I know how wrong it was, but this life, it does something to a person. It changes you.” She grew quiet for a moment. “I didn’t used to be this way.”

  “You made your choices, and now we both have to live with them.”

  “I know,” she blew out a shaky breath and started toward the door. “I’ll have the marriage annulled. I won’t fight you on anything, just do me a favor,” she paused, “look out for your sister. This world can ruin someone like her more than anyone. She’s on her way to the top right now, but that just means she has further to fall.”

  “My sister is going to be just fine,” I ground out.

  “I hope so,” she said softly and then let herself out. When the door closed behind her, a fresh wave of anger and disbelief washed over me. I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. I had nothing left. Everything had been carved out of me, and I could feel the black pit growing bigger and bigger. It was going to swallow me.

  Should it have lessened my grief knowing there was never a baby?

  It didn’t. I still felt the loss. Even if it wasn’t real, I felt it.

  I tried my hardest to understand her reasons, to find even a speck of sympathy that might make it easier for me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find a single part of me that felt anything but sick.

  I’d thought after talking to Katya I’d be able to move on, but . . .

  I’d cried for a baby that never existed.

  I’d painted a nursery for a baby that was never going to live in it.

  I’d told my parents they were going to be grandparents.

  I gave up Abbi.

  All of it was a lie.

  I lost Abbi because of a lie.

  I could have lived with her marrying someone else because I made the choice to do what I had to for my baby, to make sure it made it into this world . . . but now?

  How was I supposed to live with this now?

  Everything would be different if Katya hadn’t lied. Everything.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  My head was spinning.

  I fumbled my phone out of my pocket and dialed.

  “Hello.”

  “Can you come over right now?” My voice broke.

  There was a second of silence and then, “I’ll be right there.”

  Twenty minutes later, my sister burst through the door. I was still sitting on the floor, but I wasn’t having a near panic attack anymore. I wasn’t anything. I’d settled into a sort of numb state, just blocking it all out.

  “What’s going on? You sounded weird on the phone. Why are you on the floor?”

  “Katya stopped by,” my voice was as hollow as my chest.

  Addie’s expression pinched, and her jaw clenched as she spit out, “What did she want this time?”

  “To tell me she was never pregnant. It was all a lie.”

  “What?” she shrieked.

  I leaned my head back into the wall. “I lost everything because of a lie. Everything.”

  Addie walked over slowly and lowered herself beside me. It was quiet for a minute, and then, “Grandpa Jack could tell us how to dispose of a body. I’m sure he still remembers how,” she deadpanned.

  “That’s not funny.”

  A tiny smile cracked her lips. “It kinda is.”

  I sighed “Fine. It kind of is. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. How I move on. These last few months with her have been hell, but I thought it was worth it. I was willing to go through it all, and now I find out that it was for no reason.”

  She nudged my shoulder with hers. “It wasn’t for no reason. It was for a good reason. Even if that reason turned out to be a lie.”

  “You don’t get it, Addie. Abbi and I were getting back together. I was getting her back. For good, and then . . . and then Katya told me she was pregnant, and I had to make the choice. I betrayed Abbi again. I disappointed her and let her down again.”
>
  “You guys were getting back together?” she said hoarsely.

  I nodded. “Yeah. And now she’s marrying him.”

  “Abel,” she cried softly. “You have to stop her.”

  “I can’t do that. This doesn’t change anything. My chance is gone.”

  Addie rocked her head backward into the wall as well, and we both sat there, silent.

  “Why does life hurt this much?” she whispered after several minutes.

  I turned my head sideways. “Because that’s what we do, Addie. Hurt people, hurt people, and we just keep hurting each other.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “When does it stop?”

  “I don’t know,” I breathed, and stared forward again.

  Addie stayed that night with me. I’d meant to be gone already, but that didn’t happen. Instead, we dragged my blankets back out of the box I’d stuffed them in and stayed up all night talking in bed like when we were little kids.

  It was a rough night, but I couldn’t remember the last time Addie and I had truly talked like that. Hours of opening up about everything. I told her about the last few years and how Abbi and I had been seeing each other in secret. She punched me and told me what an ass I was, but then she hugged me and told me she’d always be there for me. We talked about the band and my music and her modeling and her train-wreck love-life that I could have done without hearing about. I tried to reign in my protective big brother instincts and just listen, instead of imagining all the ways I could hurt every guy who’d hurt her.

  I don’t know what time we fell asleep, but the next morning she helped me load up my boxes in the truck I rented.

  “I’m not going to like not having you here in the city.”

  “Yeah, I won’t like it either, but you’ll have Jesse and Nash most of the time.” When Nash wasn’t traveling for a fight. And when Jesse wasn’t off in some other part of the world shooting for his show.

  She snorted. “Without you around, Jesse and I will for sure kill each other.”

  I grinned. “Probably. My money is on you though.”

  “Thanks.” She socked my shoulder.

  “You know even though I’m moving back to Boston, I’ll still probably spend half my time here with Jesse. And who knows, maybe my music will bring me back when I decide what I’m going to do with it. For now, I need the change. I need to go home for a while to get my head on straight, but I’ll still only be a phone call away.”

  “I know.” Her tone was sad and her eyes solemn. For some reason Katya’s words came back to me and I worried about my sister.

  “Hey, you going to be okay?” I asked.

  She sniffed and nodded jerkily. “Yeah, there was just something comforting about knowing my big brother was in the same city as me. I mean, when one of us wasn’t off somewhere else in the world, which was pretty much all the time, so I don’t even know what I’m crying about.”

  I pulled her in for a hug and laid my chin on top of her head. “You’re going to be alright, and when you need me, I’ll be there.”

  We stood there like that on the sidewalk a few minutes, and then we said goodbye, for a few days at least. She’d be coming with Jesse and Nash to Aiden’s benefit concert later in the week. He and Abbi had done a damned amazing job throwing the thing together in just two weeks. Local radio and TV were blasting the event. Businesses had made donations to the cause for a silent auction. Local restaurants were coming together to cater it. Mia and Chris were opening up the youth center as they often did for charity events.

  I had zero doubts it would be a success, and I spent the next several days working closely with Abbi and Aiden to make sure it would be. They did most of the work really, the rest of us were just their minions to order around. Hang this. Decorate that. Move those boxes. Sort these donations.

  Somehow, in it all, Abbi and I figured out a way to be around each other without looking like we were in pain the whole time. Maybe not quite friends, but maybe we’d get there.

  “Look at this!” she exclaimed, walking over from where she’d been laying out items for the silent auction on the table. She waved a card in my face and I paused what I was doing, fairy lights in hand, the backdrop half strung, to try and read the flapping piece of paper. I didn’t need to though, because she was happy to tell me. “Someone donated an all expenses romantic getaway to some shwanky resort in Napa. I’m definitely bidding on it. No doubt it will go for a lot more than I can afford, but God, it would be nice.” She sighed wistfully.

  “Wine country, huh? I said with a snicker.

  She pursed her lips and her brows pinched together. “Don’t you dare smirk at me.”

  “Is that not allowed?” I asked through said smirk.

  “No. You promised we would never speak of that night again, and I can see it in your eyes that that’s exactly what you’re thinking about.” She folded her arms across her chest and kept her eyes narrowed on me.

  It was true I had promised to never again bring up her first experience with wine, but technically she was the one who brought it up. All I did was think about it. “I don’t know why you try so hard to forget that night. I thought it was a good night.”

  “Maybe because you’re not the one who drank an entire bottle and then decided it was a good idea to go skinny dipping in the pool in forty-degree weather.”

  “Don’t forget about the skunk,” I reminded her. “That was my favorite part of the night.”

  “I thought it was a baby racoon,” she blew out, exasperated. “I wanted to pet it.”

  I laughed. “Because that makes it better? You don’t chase wild animals, you crazy person. Although, maybe having your face scratched off would have been better than being sprayed by a skunk. You stunk for days.”

  “I stand by the fact that it was all your fault.”

  I pointed at my chest. “Me? How was it my fault?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know, but you were usually behind every stupid thing I did.”

  “Fair enough,” I chuckled, and for a moment our eyes locked, the corners of hers crinkled in amusement. Her gaze was steeped in memories in that moment. So many, and it was like I could see every one of them. We were both so much a part of who the other was. Who would I be if you took all that away? Who was I going to be without her?

  “Got a few more last-minute donations.” Jason appeared and the moment broke.

  “That’s great.” Abbi turned her smile on Jason and I went back to stringing lights.

  Nineteen

  Abel

  “Can you believe this?” Abbi squeaked when I came to stand beside her.

  “Yes. I’m not the least bit surprised you made this happen.”

  It was Thursday night and there was a steady stream of guests filing in the door. Ticket money was practically flying into the hands of the volunteer students’ and teachers’. Abbi stood back watching it all come together, radiating excitement and pride.

  “It wasn’t all me,” she said. “We all did this. Your brother is the one who deserves most of the credit.”

  “You both worked hard on tonight.” I gave her shoulder a squeeze and then sauntered into the crowd to take pictures and sign autographs along with my dad and uncles. The room was a buzz of activity. Sparkling cider circled the room while soft music played overhead, and guests perused the silent auction tables.

  At one point, while I posed with a mother and daughter, I caught Abbi out of the corner of my eye, bent over one of the items, no doubt the Napa trip. I faced the camera straight on and grinned.

  My cheeks hurt from smiling by the time the auction closed and everyone took their seats in the main ballroom. At that point, I was ushered backstage while they were served dinner and dessert by about fifty teenagers from Darlington. Aiden took the stage with Mom, Abbi, and Aunt Sadie at his side, and shared what had sparked this mission of his and why it was so personal to him and our family. I was beyond proud of him standing up there, and even prouder when I saw the horde of students he
’d inspired, line up to take the stage and sign the pledge he’d created.

  Maybe they were just following the crowd, maybe they didn’t all mean it, but if tonight convinced even one teenager not to get into a car after drinking, it was a win.

  “Your brother did good,” a rough voice sounded behind me.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Grandpa Jack. “What are you doing back here?” I kept my voice low.

  “Just met Abbigail’s fiancé,” he said matter-of-factly. “Wanted to come find you and ask you what the hell that was about? How come your girl is marrying another schmuck?”

  I sighed. “She’s not my girl.”

  “The hell she’s not,” he argued. “You and that girl been in love since you were too young to know what love is. I know because you told me once that you thought if you married her, she’d stop stealing your cookies because you’d buy her a house.”

  I let out an amused snort. “What was I, six?”

  “Something like that. My point is, you knew even back then that it was her.”

  I looked out over the stage at the back of Abbi’s head. “Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes the best thing you can do for the person you love is let them go.”

  He snorted. “You sound just like me. A damn sorry fool.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I glowered.

  “You trying to do the noble thing. It’s a bunch of self-sacrificing, cowardly, horse shit. That’s what it is.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, I know exactly what I’m talking about. I know better than anyone. I did what I thought was the right thing once. I did what I thought was best for the girl I loved. I let her go because I was no good for her, because I knew in the long run, I was only going to hurt her. But by making that choice for her, I took her choice away, and you are doing the same damn thing.”

  “I didn’t take her choice away. She knows how I feel. She made her choice. She chose someone else.”

  “Did she really? Did you really give her one? Did you put it all out there, lay it all on the line? She knows how you feel, or you manned up and told her outright to choose you?”