Finding Abel (Rebel Hearts Book 1)

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I scowled and clamped my jaw tightly.

  “Take it from someone who knows all about living with regret, you don’t want that, son.” He smacked me on the shoulder and then retreated, leaving me to mull over his words, not even really able to listen to what was being said from the stage.

  Dinner wrapped, and the next thing I knew, Aiden was welcoming the first artist of the night on stage.

  Sophie Wright, a nineteen-year-old who’d been a runner-up on a singing competition show, slipped past me and onto the small stage. She opened with two original songs that I expected to hear on the radio before long, and then it was my dad and uncles walking out there to the overzealous cheers of the crowd. I’d never heard so many moms losing their minds. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so gross because it was my dad and my uncles.

  They performed two songs from their upcoming comeback album as we’d taken to calling it, and after they finished, my dad announced me before he and my uncles stepped off stage. With heavy strides, I walked out there, guitar in hand and stomach in my throat. I’d planned to play acoustic renditions of two of Rebel Cry’s more popular hits, but as I settled onto the stool front and center, I made a choice. I plucked a few chords and then adjusted the mic, looking out at the audience. “How you guys doing tonight?”

  Cheers and hollers reverberated through the room. I strummed a little more. “Did my brother and the students and staff at Darlington kick ass putting this event together or what?” More cheers.

  “I think about all the stupid choices I’ve made in the past, I’m sure some of you heard about my arrest a few weeks back, and while I wasn’t drunk or drinking and driving like some of the media reported, I still had a drink that night. I still had a bottle of alcohol sitting in my car, and even if I wasn’t drunk, I think about how all it takes is one moment of distraction,” I continued to strum quietly while I talked, “one moment of delayed reflexes, or a slowed reaction, and that could be it.” I stopped strumming, pressing my hand against the strings to silence the guitar. “It could be over for you, or for someone else, in an instant. It could be over for a young mom and her baby girl like Molly and Amelia. So I pray that you leave here tonight when this is all over and take that with you. If you’ve had a drink, call a ride. Don’t risk your life or someone else’s. And if you see someone about to get behind the wheel that you know shouldn’t, and young people in the room I’m especially talking to you, have the guts to say something. You have to live with your choices for the rest of your life, and so do those affected.”

  Applause rang out and then I straightened up a little on the stool and adjusted my guitar on my lap. “Now I’m going to play a little something for you that you might recognize but haven’t ever heard this way before.”

  I plucked the intro to a song I’d written about two years back called Trouble on My Mind. It had risen quickly on the charts and was one of our most popular hits. This group went wild for the raw version with the slowed down melody I played for them. They stood and hollered and whistled when it ended. I waved them all back into their seats with my hand and leaned into the mic again.

  “Now this next one is a surprise. I didn’t even know I was going to play it for you guys until a few minutes ago. It’ll be on the new Ashes and Embers record, but you guys get to be the first to hear it. I wrote it about a month ago, and I’m a little nervous to play it for y’all because I have to tell you a secret. The girl I wrote it about is here tonight and I think she’s going to be mad at me when she hears it, but sometimes . . . sometimes you gotta just put it all on the line, so here is The Same Mistake.” I plucked the first chords and swallowed my nerves down, my eyes involuntarily seeking her out. She stood just off to the side of the room, next to Aiden, my mom, and Headmaster Higgins, who’d never been a big fan of mine. Maybe because all I did was cause trouble in her school. My eyes snared Abbi’s wide ones and held them for a brief moment, before I tore mine away and let the words out that I needed her to hear. Even if they changed nothing.

  “I hung your love in the sky

  To light my way

  I lost faith, I lost sight

  And I lost my way.”

  I poured everything into it, stripping down every wall, every barrier, every ounce of pride I had. I laid it all bare, and by the time I reached the end, I felt raw, like an exposed nerve. The audience went crazy, but it was like I was hearing it all submerged in a swimming pool or something. It was muted and distorted because my heart was racing, my pulse pounding in my ears, and all I could do was stare at a stock-still Abbi as the last note of the song echoed into nothing. It felt like those few seconds were suspended into eternity, but then Headmaster Higgins and Aiden were walking toward the stage and I knew I was supposed to be exiting.

  “Hope you all enjoyed the song. Grab the album when it comes out and have a good night everyone.”

  Twenty

  Abbi

  The event was over, most everyone had cleared out, and still the song played in my mind.

  “You did an incredible job.” Headmaster Higgins approached. “Tonight was a major success.” Her eyes dipped briefly to the clipboard in her hand, which held the silent auction results. “I’m still blown away by these numbers.” At the end of the night, she’d announced the final total, from ticket sales, the auction, and random donations, and we’d managed to bring in seventy-six thousand dollars.

  I smiled brightly, but I couldn’t quite make it meet my eyes, not with Abel’s words still echoing through my head. I clutched my things to my chest, and then out of curiosity asked, “By chance, can you tell me who won the Napa getaway?”

  Her eyes skimmed over the sheet and then stopped. “Looks like bidder fifty-seven. I don’t have the names with me, but it was our biggest money maker tonight. Brought in fifteen thousand dollars.”

  “Wow,” my breath whooshed out of me. Way more than the measly fifteen hundred Jason and I had collectively bid.

  “I know. Tonight went better than I ever could have imagined. Those McCabe boys are something else, aren’t they?” Her lips curled up at the corners in the tiniest smile, before she wiped it away and excused herself.

  Yeah. They were.

  “Hey, you ready to go?” Jason walked over and held my coat out to me.

  I smiled faintly and nodded, shrugging into my jacket.

  “What’s that?” He jerked his chin at the small leather-bound book in my hand.

  I tightened my grip on it the same time I said, “Nothing.”

  I followed him out to his Jeep, stopping to thank the last few stragglers for their hard work tonight. The jeep was cold, and I sat huddled in the passenger seat, waiting for the heat to kick in. It was a quiet ride from the center to my house. I was lost in thought, and it seemed Jason was too.

  “Are we going to talk about it at all?” he finally broke the silence between us as we stepped inside my house.

  I dropped my keys on the stand and slowly turned to face him. He closed the front door behind him but didn’t come any further inside.

  I struggled to find words.

  “You need to talk to me, Abbi. Tell me what’s going on. What’s that book really? And don’t say nothing. You’ve been holding onto it for dear life since I saw Jesse slip it to you.” I glanced down at the small, bent, and worn little leather-bound notebook in my hand. “And please don’t pretend like you weren’t affected by that song.”

  The song.

  My heart swelled painfully inside my chest.

  I was feeling too many things right now.

  And I had a feeling this notebook was only going to blow them all up. I’d taken one peek inside and saw the words Red Door scrawled above what looked like lyrics and closed it right back up.

  Because there was Jason, and how did I do this to him?

  He was scared. I could read it in his eyes when I lifted mine to them. See it in the grim set of his mouth.

  I set the notebook down carefully and twisted the ring on my finger with m
y thumb as a pang of remorse shot through me.

  “It changes things, doesn’t it?” He let out a bitter laugh. “Who am I kidding? Things changed the moment he showed up. I saw it. Felt it. I’ve just been in denial this whole time.”

  Acute pain etched itself across my face and I closed my eyes, wishing . . . wishing that I didn’t have to do this.

  “Maybe you were in denial too,” he said.

  I opened my eyes and forced them to meet his. “It wasn’t denial, Jason. I love you.”

  “But . . .” he supplied.

  “But, if we’re both going to be honest about what we’ve been feeling since Abel showed up, did you buy the ring because you knew without a shadow of a doubt you were ready to spend the rest of your life with me, or because you were afraid to lose me?”

  His eyes flickered with the truth.

  “What’s the difference, Abbi?” he asked desperately.

  “The difference is everything,” I said through the ache in my chest.

  “So what if I didn’t want to lose you! I still don’t. I want to marry you and have a life with you . . . but that’s not what you want, is it?”

  I walked slowly to him, smiling sadly as I took his hand. “Loving you Jason, is the easiest thing in the world. It’s safe and warm and I know that if I married you, we would have a good and happy life.”

  “Then why isn’t that enough?” he choked.

  “Because loving him, it consumes me. With every single breath I take, and with every beat of my heart, I feel it, like it’s what I was made to do.”

  “But he’s hurt you. I could see that hurt when I first met you and I still see it. I would never hurt you, Abbi.”

  I lifted my hand to cup his cheek. “I know that. And you’re right. He has hurt me.” I skimmed my hand along his jaw and let it fall away. “In more ways and deeper than anyone else ever could, because he can touch parts of me no one else can reach. But he also heals me. And he challenges me. Makes me question everything. I’ve never known anyone who lives as passionately as he does or makes me feel that kind of passion. I know it’s dangerous, that kind of love. Nothing about it is easy or safe, but I don’t think love is supposed to be. The only thing I know for certain is that the only time I feel whole is when I’m with him, and when he’s gone a piece of me is gone too.”

  I slid the ring from my finger and reached for his hand again. “I’m sorry.” I placed the ring into his hand and pressed his fingers closed around it. “I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I know it’s screwed up what I’ve put you through, but I don’t know how to not be in love with him, and I only hurt everyone by trying.” I leaned up on my tip-toes to lay a kiss on his cheek. “I never deserved you, because I always belonged to someone else, but you will find a girl good enough for you, and she’ll give you everything I never could.”

  My feet flat on the floor again, I looked into his eyes, wishing I could take the hurt from them. He never deserved to be anyone’s second choice. Ever.

  But that would be too easy though, wishing his pain away to make myself feel less horrible and guilty. The least I owed him was to feel this. And I would for a long time.

  Defeated, shoulders sunk, and face drawn, Jason walked out of my house.

  I closed the door behind him and pressed my forehead against it, giving in to the misery for a few minutes, letting what I’d just done sink in. And then I blew out a shaky breath and pulled myself up. I turned and eyed that damn notebook on the little stand. Almost like I was afraid it was going to bite me, I walked over slowly and picked it up. I opened to the first page and that song about a red door, hungrily skimming my eyes over the words. There were so many markings, scribbles, words crossed out, and new ones written in, but as I flipped through the pages, the song came together.

  My heart thrummed and punched against my chest. My breaths were shaky and shallow as I tried to suck them in through the tightness in my throat.

  I flipped another page and found another song. One equally as heartbreaking and full of anguish and love. And then another, and as I flipped through the pages there was song after song, maybe half a dozen or more. All about me and this consuming love between us. His regrets, his wishes, his hopes and dreams, his willingness to let me go and set me free so I could find peace. A drop of water splashed onto the page followed by a second, and that’s when I realized I was crying.

  I slammed the notebook closed and grabbed my keys. I told myself I knew what I was doing.

  At least I hoped I did.

  Because I wasn’t turning around.

  I was all in. Feet first.

  Sink or swim.

  There was no other way when it came to us.

  I pulled up to the McCabe’s trembling, my heart racing erratically inside its cage. Was I scared? More like terrified. But I imagined it was the kind of terrified you were before you jumped out of an airplane, or off a cliff into the ocean, or off a bridge attached to a bungee cord. It might kill you. But it also might be the biggest rush of your life.

  I bypassed the front door, going around the side of the multi-level house, until I came to the covered patio beside the pool deck.

  God, I hadn’t done this since I was a teenager.

  “Don’t fall, Abbi,” I whispered to myself as I stepped up onto the rock wall that ran from the edge of the patio along the side of the house, encasing all the beautiful and exotic plants and flowers. On tip toes I reached up and grabbed the flat roof over the patio. Pressing one foot against the side of the house for leverage, I pulled myself up onto my belly, and wiggled the rest of my body onto the roof. Breathing a little harder, I climbed to my feet and quietly padded across the low roof and then climbed up and over the glass railing of the balcony on the second story. My foot caught on the railing and I nearly went face first but managed to catch myself and get my leg all the way over.

  A relieved breath whooshed out of me and then I crept closer to the big glass doors that led right into Abel’s room. A light shone from within through the cracks in the heavy drapes.

  “You should’ve just wrung the bell instead of climbing up here like a psycho,” I muttered to myself.

  Too late for that now.

  I’d gone through the effort of getting up here, so I raised my hand and lightly rapped my knuckles against the glass.

  What if he’s not even in there?

  You could be waiting up here a while.

  The thought was barely complete before the curtains were yanked to the side, causing me to jump slightly. Abel’s face stared back at me through the glass. His eyes grew and then he quickly pulled open the French door.

  “Abbi,” he said like he almost couldn’t believe I was actually standing there.

  “Hey,” I said lamely.

  “Hey,” he echoed softly.

  “Umm,” maybe I should have practiced what I was going to say on the drive over, because now that I was standing there, all the words were gone. Like my brain suddenly forgot the entire English language.

  His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, looking very unsure. “Well, you’re not yelling at me, should I take that as a good sign?”

  “I liked the song,” I finally managed to spit out, and then just as a smile started to break through his expression, I blurted, “Actually, no I didn’t. I hate it.”

  His face looked at if I’d just slapped him or stabbed him. “You hate it?” he choked, taking a step back.

  I mirrored his step, following him inside. “Yes, because it took you eight years to say those words to me.”

  He blew out a shuddery breath. “I don’t suppose sorry is going to cut it.”

  “No, you’re going to have to do better than that,” I said, angrily folding my arms across my chest. I don’t know where the sudden burst of anger had come from, I hadn’t expected to yell at him, but now that I was, I couldn’t stop. I suspected I’d been holding onto these words as long as he’d held onto his. “God, you made such a mess of this! You stupid, stubborn, prideful
idiot!”

  His expression registered each word, painfully, but I kept going.

  “You think one song,” one albeit epic song, “and that’s all it’s going to take, to win me back? That it just fixes everything? What makes you so sure we can even get it right this time?”

  He blinked, and his brow furrowed, and then relaxed. “Wait . . . this time?”

  “Yes dammit! I obviously didn’t climb all the way up here just to yell at you. I could’ve rang the doorbell for that. Or called. But instead I’m standing here—”

  “Not wearing you ring,” he stammered, eyes darting up from my bare left hand.

  “It was never my ring. I never should have accepted it. So, now tell me why it’s going to work out. Tell me you didn’t just write that song because you thought you were losing me to someone else. Tell me it was more than that. Tell me it’s not just because you were afraid, or you didn’t want someone else to have me,” I demanded, praying with every fiber of my being Abel had a different answer than the one I saw in Jason’s eyes, because it had to be more than that. I needed to know he wasn’t going to leave this time when it got hard.

  “Abbi,” he said hoarsely. “For eight years I woke up missing you and went to bed missing you. And not one single day slipped by where I didn’t wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed. If I hadn’t gone to New York and took the record deal and started the band. I’ve wondered how different my life would be if I’d chosen to stay and fight for you.

  “And every time I held you in my arms, I knew—I knew—I’d made the wrong choice. And every time I left again, it killed me a little more, and every time I wanted you to ask me to stay, but you never did.”

  I swiped at angry tears. “And every time you left, I wanted you to ask me to go with you, you jerk!”

  “I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think you would.”

  “Because you don’t know anything,” I cried.

  “You’re right, I didn’t. I was wrong about so much then, but I figured it out.”

  I scowled. “Figured what out, exactly?”

  “What my real mistake was. It wasn’t leaving. Choosing my music wasn’t a mistake.”