Cursive

by Phoebe Lane

  "I thought things went well last night," he said.

  "Yeah, I guess. She was just so quiet and nonjudgmental that it makes me paranoid."

  "Well, one more dinner with her, and then she goes back home."

  "We'll see if I can make it out in one piece."

  "Not I—we. Let's see if we can make it out in one piece," he reminded her.

  "Thank you," she said, and kissed him. She would never regret falling for this man. His support was something she had never experienced before. "Now, give me a hint about where you're going."

  "No," he said.

  "Does it have to do with food?"

  "No."

  "Is it a place you're going to take me to?"

  "No."

  "Does it come in a box?"

  "No."

  "Do you get it at a store?"

  "No."

  "Does it breathe?"

  "What? No," he said with a laugh.

  "Are you going to say no to all the questions?"

  "Yes," he answered with a gigantic smile.

  "Then I don't want to play anymore," she said, grabbing her cup of coffee and pretending to ignore him. She stared at the floor for a few seconds, feeling like she was about to burst. "Ugh, come on! Just tell me!"

  Aislynn had decided to spend her time with Ellie while Pam had her spa day and Jace took care of whatever he was planning for her birthday. Pam had actually invited Aislynn to join her, but she had never really liked massages. They made her too self-conscious and she could never relax enough to enjoy them. Manicures and pedicures were more her thing, and that's exactly what Ellie had convinced her to go out and do.

  "What's going on between you and Evan?" Aislynn asked as they waited for their nails to dry.

  "What do you mean?" Ellie said casually. Aislynn tried to observe her reaction but was having a hard time reading it.

  "Last night, I thought I noticed something different about you guys," Aislynn said, but got only silence in return. "Ellie?"

  "Aislynn?" she said, mimicking her tone and trying to deflect.

  "Okay, I'll give you that you're better than Jace at hiding things from me, but you're not that good," she said and watched Ellie's grin grow. "Please tell me what happened before I start thinking that you guys ran off and got married or something," she joked.

  Ellie's face suddenly paled, her body froze, and her pupils dilated so much that Aislynn could see them even from where she was sitting.

  "Ellie!"

  "How the hell do you do that?" she yelled.

  "You guys got married?" Aislynn exclaimed, her hand covering her mouth, forgetting her nails were still wet.

  "He asked me to marry him," Ellie said with a high-pitched giggle.

  "Oh my God!" Aislynn was not only surprised about the news, but she couldn't wrap her brain around the idea of Ellie and marriage. Even though she had joked about getting married before, Ellie had been very vocal about not being the marrying type.

  "I told him a while back my thoughts about marriage and kids, but the other night he sort of proposed," she explained. "He told me he loved me, and that he wanted to be with me forever. He said he understood and accepted that I didn't believe marriage was for me, but that he would always be ready to make me his wife."

  "Oh my God," Aislynn repeated, feeling the tears build up in her eyes. It really moved her to see Ellie so happy.

  "He pulled out his great-grandmother's engagement ring and told me that if I ever changed my mind, all I needed to do was say yes. Then he asked me to move in with him."

  "And?" Aislynn asked, unable to handle the suspense.

  "And I said yes! I'm moving to San Diego!" she squealed.

  Aislynn stood up and embraced Ellie in a bear hug, not caring that her nails were now ruined. She was surprised to feel the tears coming, and then wondered if they were only being shed out of happiness for her friend or some other reason she didn't want to think about at the moment.

  Maybe I need to cry. I've had a lot to cry about in the last year, and I never really allowed myself to do it.

  Wow, shrinks really do make the worst patients.

  "I'm so happy for you," Aislynn said, wiping her tears away.

  "Thank you. A part of me was afraid you were going to say this was crazy, and that it was too soon—you know, slap some sense into me," she said.

  "Oh, Ellie," she said, hugging her friend again. "I think you're doing the right thing. You love him. He loves you. There's no reason to wait. Waiting is only time wasted."

  Ellie nodded her head, but then paused. "You know I love you, right?" Ellie asked.

  "Yes. I do."

  "And you know he's in love with you," Ellie said, without needed to clarify who she was talking about.

  "I know. He told me last night."

  "Then don't you waste any more time, Aislynn. Throw yourself in. It's time."

  I know. But how do I let everything else go?

  Aislynn talked to her mom on the way back to the apartment and set up plans for dinner. Ellie had convinced Aislynn to borrow one of her expensive designer dresses since the restaurant Jace had picked was pretty formal and had a dress code. The dress was a gorgeous Grecian style gown in a dark salmon color, with an open back. Her shoes were sky high and detailed with pink crystals.

  Her confidence got a huge boost when Jace took his first look at her and temporarily lost his ability to speak.

  "Jace, please say something. Is it too much?"

  "You look stunning, babydoc. I'm just…blown away," he said.

  "Thanks," she said, feeling like her smile was going to be etched in her face permanently.

  "And your hair is down. That right there makes me a happy man," he joked. "Are you ready?"

  "For dinner, yes. For Pam, never."

  "Come on, let's go get her," he said and led her to the car.

  They chatted about their day on the way to the hotel. Aislynn filled him in on Ellie and Evan's happy news, but Jace didn't seem to be all that surprised. Apparently, Evan had been smitten with Ellie since the moment they'd met. Jace had never seen him act that way with anyone else.

  "Aislynn, relax," Jace reminded her, gently shaking her hand as they walked toward Pam's hotel room. "It'll be fine. And if it isn't, we'll find a way to make it fine, okay?"

  "I just have a feeling…" Aislynn said, and forced a deep breath in. "Okay. It'll be fine. The anticipation is usually worse than the actual event," she whispered to herself, almost as an internal pep talk.

  They got to Pam's room and knocked on the door. Jace very quickly leaned in to kiss her neck and whispered the best-timed "I love you" in the history of stressful mother-daughter birthday dinner interactions.

  "Hi, sweetheart," Pam said as she welcomed them in.

  "Hi, Mom. Are you ready to go?" Aislynn blurted out, and felt Jace squeeze his hand on her waist. It was sort of a "calm down" to go along with the "I love you" from earlier.

  "Come on in for a second," she said, waving them in. "Hi, Jace. Good to see you again."

  "You look great, Pam," Jace said.

  "Yeah, Mom. You look beautiful."

  "Thank you. I have tell you, it feels great to have a chance to get all dolled up like this. Marc isn't really the type to do this sort of thing often," Pam said, walking toward her desk to grab a small gift box. "Happy birthday, Aislynn," she said, handing her the present.

  "Oh, you didn't have to," Aislynn said, feeling a bit embarrassed.

  "Of course I did. It's your birthday. Now, open it," Pam said with a smile.

  Aislynn opened the box and found a beautiful bracelet adorned with pink gemstones in the shape of cherry blossoms. "It's so beautiful, Mom. Thanks," Aislynn said and hugged her.

  "It matches your dress. You want me to help you put it on?" Jace asked.

  "Yes, please," she said, turning to him.

  "I'm so glad you like it," Pam said. "All right, let me go get my purse so that we can go."

  "See? Everything's going okay
. Just keep breathing," Jace whispered, and Aislynn nodded, allowing a soft smile to grace her lips.

  "Oh wow!" Pam exclaimed as she walked out of the room and noticed Aislynn's back for the first time. "Your hair is so, umm, long. I didn't realize women liked wearing their hair like that anymore."

  Aislynn tensed and looked up at Jace, her nails now digging into his arm. "Don't worry, babydoc. The restaurant has plenty of wine."

  Aislynn had never been an outdoorsy person. She had only gone camping once in her life, when she was nine years old. She had hated every second of it, except for the fire—for some reason, she had been captivated by the sight of her father making fire.

  They had packed all the conveniences of modern camping life for their trip, including matches and lighters, but Jim, her dad, had insisted on teaching Aislynn how to survive out in the elements. He had made it a life mission to teach her things he deemed essential for everyone to know—how to jumpstart a car, how to change a flat tire, how to reset a tripped breaker, how to load and unload a gun, and how to survive out in the woods.

  Poor Jim; he should've had a boy.

  Aislynn vividly remembered watching her father rub two pieces of wood together for what felt like hours, finally managing to get an ember lit. She was absolutely mesmerized by the vision of the ember falling into the tinder nest, its color a muted red. Jim blew softly on it, adding the oxygen it so desperately needed to grow and become an almighty flame, a force that existed only to kill and devastate if not controlled properly.

  Aislynn then recalled a very important detail about the process of making fire—it had been surprisingly silent. The only sounds she remembered were Jim's soft breaths and the faint pops and crackles of the blaze as it grew.

  Just like the night before, Pam had been quietly pleasant during dinner.

  And eerily silent.

  She participated in the conversation but mainly remained quiet. After the main entrée, Aislynn finally settled down enough to enjoy the rest of the night, thinking things would turn out just like they had the night before.

  I should have remembered the silence.

  Aislynn realized then that Pam was her ember, and that her own breaths helped turn that ember into a destructive, silent flame.

  "So, Aislynn, I kind of wanted to talk to you about some things," Pam said, glancing briefly over at Jace, and then turning her eyes back to her daughter. "But since I'm leaving so early tomorrow, and we won't have enough time, I guess now will have to do."

  "Okay?" Aislynn said, taken aback by her sudden forwardness.

  "I just wanted to talk to you about what you plan to do with your life, sweetheart. It's been a year since you left home, and it's time for you to start making decisions about your future."

  "This is really not the time to talk about this, please," Aislynn quickly answered, immediately breaking out in a cold sweat.

  "Well, it's never a good time with you. You're always busy with something, or you just find a way to avoid talking about it altogether, just like you avoid talking about—"

  "Mom, stop!" Aislynn interrupted her, and felt her dinner threatening to come back up her throat. "I told you, this is not the time. And even it was the right time, there's nothing to talk about or decide on."

  "What about your life and your job in Texas?" Pam pressed.

  "I don't have a job in Texas anymore. Writing is my job now."

  "Writing is not a job; it's a hobby," Pam said with a humorless chuckle.

  "Are you kidding? There are thousands, if not millions, of people in the world who write for a living. What's so wrong with that?"

  "Nothing's wrong with that, but those people know what they're doing."

  Aislynn scoffed and focused her eyes on the droplets of water running down the side of her glass, feeling like a teenager again. She couldn't force herself to look at Jace, afraid of what she might see in his face, and even more terrified about what he might see in hers.

  Damn it. How does she make me feel so small so easily?

  "What I mean is that authors go to school and train for a career in writing. You haven't done any of that," Pam continued.

  "You know what? It's okay if you want to think of my writing as just a hobby. It means way more to me, and that's all that really matters."

  There. Standing up for myself. Need to hang on to that.

  "So, you're never coming back home, then?" Pam asked, squaring her shoulders and resting her arms on the table.

  Home?

  "Texas is not home anymore. I'm enjoying myself here in San Diego. I'm feeling happier than I ever have, and I have good people around me now," she said, and searched for Jace's hand under the table. It was warm and steady, just like she needed it to be.

  "People? What are you talking about? You only have Ellie, and she's not here half the time."

  I have Jace.

  "I'm sorry, Pam, but you're wrong," Jace interjected before Aislynn could get the words out. He had kept silent this whole time, quietly supporting her and respecting the fact this was a discussion between mother and daughter. But now it seemed like Pam's comment had hit a very sensitive nerve for him. "She has me, and she has my family here now, too," he added.

  "That's really sweet, Jace, but come on—you guys just met. There's no guarantee that you will…make it as a couple," she said and turned back to her daughter. "Aislynn, you of all people should know that men—that relationships end, and that you can't risk it all like this. I mean, look at what happened with Christopher. Didn't you learn your lesson then?"

  Aislynn closed her eyes, wishing she wasn't the kind of person who cried when enraged, but she was. Hot tears formed in her eyes, and she prayed to the God above to dry them up and allow her to say what she needed to say while still keeping her dignity.

  "Why do you hate me?" Aislynn finally asked, feeling frustrated that her voice wavered.

  "What?" Pam asked, sitting back in her chair, seemingly surprised by Aislynn's question.

  "What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much, besides being born, that is?"

  "Aislynn, please," she said, waving her off in a dismissive fashion. "Enough with the theatrics. I'm just trying to ask you a very valid question here. You don't need to go off the deep end every time I try to push you about something. You know, I'm starting to think you may have an anger problem."

  Aislynn was floored by her statement. "Are you kidding me?"

  "You should really get some professional help for that, but make sure you go see a real doctor," Pam said while swirling her glass of wine like it was the most important thing in the world for her to focus on at that moment. "Just make sure you don't go see a psychiatrist. I don't think they really know how to treat that."

  The other important thing Jim had taught Aislynn about fire is that it can spread quickly, especially when supplied with fuel.

  She wasn't sure if Jace was really whispering in her ear at this point, but she could hear his voice repeating the word "breathe" in her head over and over again.

  "Have you ever heard of a man called Donald Winnicott?" Aislynn asked her, the tone of her voice now steady, her eyes bone dry and focused directly on Pam's. She didn't really give Pam a chance to answer before she continued, "He was a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst who created object-relations theory. He was the first one to pen the term 'good enough mother.' I really won't try to explain it to you in detail because I'm sure it will go way over your head. His theory basically proves that a mother doesn't have to be perfect to do a good job and have well rounded, confident children. She just needs to be good enough. All a child really needs is love, comfort, and a mother who can adapt to her child's needs and knows when to back off.

  "Most women figure out a way to be good enough mothers. You didn't. I don't care anymore that this is the only way you're capable of relating with me," Aislynn said, waving her hand between them. "If this is all I can get from you, then I don't want it anymore.

  "I told you the first day that I ex
pected you to respect Jace and respect me while you were in town. You haven't done that, so I'm done with you. I'm sure you remember the name of your hotel, so find a way to get yourself back there."

  And with that, Aislynn stood up and left the table.

  Jace quickly followed Aislynn out of the restaurant, stopping by the maître d' first to take care of the bill and request a cab for Pam. He helped Aislynn into his car and just let her be. It broke his heart to see the sadness in her face, but he somehow knew that she needed the time to sort through everything that had happened in her head. He held her hand the whole way home and tried to soothe her as much as he could with his touch.

  "I'm sorry, Jace," Aislynn finally said, still looking out her window. They were now parked in his driveway, but she hadn't moved and he didn't want to rush her.

  "What are you sorry about?" he asked.

  "I shouldn't have done that in front of you, but I just couldn't…I couldn't let it go on," Aislynn said, and took a deep breath.

  "You did so great, babydoc. I'm so proud of you," he said, bringing her hand up to his lips. He had been elated to witness Aislynn being so direct and honest with Pam. By the look on Pam's face, he suspected this was the first time Aislynn had done so.

  "I guess I kept it together there at the end," she said, and then thought of something that made her chuckle. "You know how you can come up with better things to say during an argument after you've had enough time to think about them?"

  "Yeah," he said cautiously.

  "I should have told her to fuck off," she said, and they both laughed.

  "She sure would've deserved it. I'm so pissed she did this on your birthday, of all days," he said, glad to see the heaviness in her mood was lifting.

  "It's okay. I'm used to things like this with her. This is part of the reason why I don't like celebrating things like birthdays or holidays. It's just a prime time for her to make me feel like crap."

  "It's not okay, babydoc," he said, reaching out to touch her face. "But let's go inside. I still have time to try and make this a good birthday for you."