Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

Being alone with Tiffany was something I’d been looking forward to all week. Everything that was keeping us from being together was gone. But now that I was here with her, like I wanted, I began to panic. I felt out of my depth. This wasn’t part of my scope of practice. I had no clue how to proceed.

  “You look nervous.” She giggled. “I promise… no lady part flowers, okay.”

  I laughed, and the tension that was building subsided. Tiffany turned on her iPod and patted the table. I lifted off my shirt and watched as she admired what I had to offer. Her assessment of me brought the anxiety back full force. This time I hoped to have more to offer than just my body. Her eyes met mine, and they were full of humor. Tiffany was different. We’d be different. We could do this.

  “Definitely… no lady part flowers.”

  “FINISHED.” TIFF’S ANNOUNCEMENT MADE me open my eyes. I’d drifted off into a half awake/half asleep coma. The warm room, the music, the quiet sound of her machine, her small, hot hands on my back — it relaxed me. “I’ll start the third flower next week, okay?” she said as she rubbed the balm into my skin. My favorite part.

  “Sounds good.” I stood, and she handed me a small mirror so I could see her work. “They look sick so far.” My grin was lopsided as I admired the small piece of her I’d have forever.

  “Oh my God, I love this song. Let’s dance.” Tiffany’s big hazel eyes were wide, like she couldn’t believe she’d just asked me that. “I mean… you don’t have to.”

  “Sweet Jane” by The Cowboy Junkies played smoothly from Tiff’s iPod. This song was all cotton and comfort, so when she asked me to dance, how could I say no? How could I ever say no to her? The song drifted over my skin, her small hands lightly ghosted the flesh of my shoulder, and the shiver that ran down my spine wasn’t something I was used to. She tore down everything I built with just one touch. She destroyed me, and I wanted her to.

  “Is this okay?” she whispered. The rosy color of her lips caught my attention. She wasn’t wearing make-up tonight. Being this close to her, I could see the natural color of her skin and the two small freckles that rested along her right cheekbone. It was just her, and it took my fucking breath away. I nodded unwilling to speak. She was fine art; the ink on her arms appeared to move with grace as she reached her hand to my left shoulder. The fluid sound of the guitar poured like honey through the room. Tiffany smiled, and the dark green of her hazel eyes mixed with the brown like smoke to create this perfect color, this unknown gem. They were everything all at once, and I had to look away or I’d be lost to her.

  “This is nice.” Tiff reached her hand up and touched my chin, drawing my eyes back to her. “See, it’s not so bad. You just gotta sway with me, loosen up.” She let a gentle laugh escape her full lips, drawing my attention to her mouth. I’d never kissed a girl before, not once. That small part of me was something I wasn’t willing to give away, that was mine, but Tiffany was staking her claim. She had pushed her way into the dark spaces of my soul, and I was helpless to stop her.

  The music continued to haunt the room; my eyes on her eyes she moved her hand to my chest. The heat of her palm soaked through my sternum and lit my heart on fire. Tiff let her other hand fall down my arm. The tips of her fingers trailed down the skin. The warm air, mixed with the feeling of her flesh on my flesh, caused goose bumps to erupt down my arm. I let Tiff’s fingers lace with mine as she drew my hand toward her and placed it against her chest, my hand now mirrored hers. Two souls, two hearts, two pasts aligned… this was what I was waiting for, this was my moment.

  She gazed up at me, her lips parted as if she was going to speak, but all that came out was a whisper of air, the sound of anticipation. I couldn’t resist the temptation any longer. I let my hand rest against her cheek; my thumb dusted her cheekbone.

  “This is what I want.” My voice was filled with lust, but it was more than that with her, it always had been. I’d been hiding in her shadow for too long, and I was ready to show her the real me. The man who prayed every night that he was still alive, that he still had the ability to feel, that he could be more than just hate and anger. “I want to fall… fall before you… you’re ruining me, Tiff, you’ve broken me and I’d let you do it again…” I let my lips skirt against her cheek, “…and again…” The corner of her mouth teased me, making me almost rush through this. “…and again.” Her head fell back into my palm as the taste of her enveloped me. My lips parted and took in every bit of her that I could. The music disappeared, and my world fell out from below me as my lips collided with hers. Her moan spilled across my tongue as she let her hand move from my chest and fist into my hair.

  This woman was taking possession of me; she was showing me what it was like to feel, what it was like to know I was still breathing. Tiffany’s face rested between the palms of my hands as I pulled from her mouth. The space was just an inch, but I had already started to feel the pain of the distance. I wanted to tell her that kiss was everything I’d ever wanted. This was too much. I couldn’t take it… the pressure in my chest started to build.

  “Seth?” The red in her lips seemed deeper as I searched her face for fear, but all I saw was surprise. “That was…”

  “I’ve never done that before. I mean… I’ve never kissed anyone… I’m sorry if—“

  “That was magical.” The small creases around her eyes deepened with her smile.

  I let the fear go. The rope that had knotted around my rib cage frayed and snapped… and I kissed her again. This time I pulled her bottom lip through my teeth, and her moan encouraged me. My hands tangled in her hair as I tilted her head back so I could deepen the kiss. I needed more of that taste. She was mint mixed with sweetness, and I wasn’t sure how I could ever stop kissing her. She pressed her hips against me as she nipped at my upper lip and a low growl rolled in my throat at the contact.

  I pulled away before I lost the ability to slow down. I rested my forehead against hers as we both tried to catch our breath.

  “Fuck, Tiff.” I placed my lips to her cheek and let my mouth trail down her jaw before I took one more… long kiss. Her lips moved with mine like we’d been doing this every day of our lives. Our breathing synchronized. If kissing her was this good, I was sure I’d die if I ever had the honor to be inside her.

  “Seth.” She pulled away from me breathlessly. “Come home with me tonight.” Her face was flush and her chin was red from the burn of my stubble. Tiff wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me softly before she spoke. “Please.” She kissed me again and pulled away just enough to say “Please” once more before she kissed me deeply one last time.

  My pulse thundered through my veins as I tried to think straight. Even though I wanted to say yes, even though I wanted to spend the whole night kissing her, even though I wanted to die a slow perfect death between her legs… I knew I wouldn’t.

  “Not tonight. I’d like to do this right. I want this… us… to be normal.” I smiled down at her frustrated face.

  Her brow furrowed. “Seth, nothing about us is normal.”

  My lips pressed against the crease between her brow lines. My hands framed her face. “I don’t want to fuck this up. Angel, I want you to have all the bests I can give you. Let me do this… the right way, for once.”

  Tiffany reached up onto her toes and smiled against my mouth. “All the bests. I think I could live with that.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Tiffany

  HIS FIRST KISS. He had given me another first. This one thing — this small part of him — was mine, and I couldn’t believe how special I felt. His lips on mine, his hand on my cheek, it was surreal. I could hardly catch my breath when he pulled away and smiled. Never, in three years, had I seen such a sight. This smile… it was all light. Pure, gorgeous, light as it touched his eyes and warmed his features. The steel gray of his irises was hardly visible beyond the vivid blue. He was literally beaming, and I wanted to take a snap shot of this moment. I wanted to etch this smile in stone.

  �
�God, you’re so handsome when you smile like that.” The words slipped out, and I felt my cheeks heat with embarrassment.

  He dipped his head down and chuckled. “You think so?” He shook his head and kissed my forehead. “I’m… not sure what the fuck I’m doing, Tiff. I just know I need you. It doesn’t matter how or why anymore, I just do.”

  “Keep saying things like that, and we’ll be just fine.” I laughed, and it was the first time in ages that it rang true and he noticed. His smile was subdued now, and he traced his thumb over my bottom lip.

  “What the hell I wouldn’t do… for this.” His eyes never left my mouth as he whispered.

  “Take me on a date.” The challenge in my voice was apparent, and it brought back his wide grin from earlier.

  “A date?”

  “A date.” I nodded, and the wrinkle in-between his brows deepened.

  “A fucking date. Okay. To dinner or a movie? Are we too old for that shit?” Seth’s composure was slipping, and I couldn’t stop the giggle from spilling over my lips.

  “No.” I laughed harder. “We’re not too old for that shit, Seth. You’ve really never been on a date?”

  “Not once.” His mood turned serious, and he backed away from me.

  “Well there’s a first time for everything.” I took his hand in mine. “Another first. I’m liking this.”

  “Me too.” The words were quiet, and I marveled in this side of Seth. This man with his hidden secrets. His beautiful innocence was beginning to show, and I felt blessed to be privy to it.

  “When?” He toyed with my fingers like he always did when he was uneasy, and it made me grin.

  “Well we’re having dinner at Elizabeth’s tomorrow. That’s sort of a big date. Meet the friends.” I attempted to make light of a very heavy situation. Even though I had met all of them at least once, it was nerve wracking because I wasn’t a part of that group, a part of them. They all went to high school together, were in a band together, gone through things together. I was a complete outsider, and it was a scary thing to feel.

  “That’s not a date… of that I’m sure.” He laughed, and the anxious energy that had been pouring over him faded. “Liz is the coolest chick I know. Besides, you’ve met everyone already a few times.”

  “Liz is the coolest huh?” I teased, and his smile fell.

  “Shit… I mean—“

  “I’m joking.” The blue pools of his eyes met mine, and I smiled. He really didn’t know what the hell he was doing. I never thought in a million years I’d ever think Seth Montgomery was adorable, but this clueless man was staring at me, awkward and lost, and I couldn’t like him anymore than I did this very second. All his firsts… all his firsts were going to be mine. My smile grew wide and my heart pulsed fast behind my chest.

  “Fuck. That’s the sexiest smile I’ve ever seen.” He closed the distance between us and wrapped his fingers in my hair, cradling my head in his palm as he roughly drew my mouth to his. His five o’clock shadow was coarse against my lips, and I moaned as his tongue licked my lower lip, cooling the burn. His taste was a combination of spiced sweetness, and when his teeth pulled against the swollen flesh of my mouth, it shot straight down my body sending a pool of heat between my legs.

  His kiss left me in a puddle on the floor as he pulled away. His breathing ragged, the control he always kept in check was gone as he dragged his free hand down my arm. The pressure of his fingertips against my arm was deep as if he wanted to tear me apart, and I wanted him to. I let my fingernails pull across his broad, powerful, upper back, and he shuddered.

  “I should go,” he murmured against my mouth as he kissed me gently, once, and then again, leaving a trail of spice across my lips.

  He wanted to do this right and I respected that. I just wish my body would stop being such a whore. “Okay.”

  “I’ll pick you up at six tomorrow.” We separated, and I felt the cool air on my skin. Was it possible to already miss him?

  “I could meet you at your place if that’s easier,” I offered. I watched as he slipped his shirt over his head, the canvas of his body slowly being covered. I tried to hide my disappointment.

  He turned and gave me a stern glare. “No way. I’m picking you up. That’s what I’m supposed to do right?”

  “Are we going to pretend to be in a Jane Austen novel then? Shall I call you Mr. Montgomery?” I laughed at my stupid joke, and the look of confusion that was pulling Seth’s lips down into a frown.

  “Am I supposed to know what the means?” he asked with sincerity.

  “It means… Mr. Montgomery, that I’m a strong, independent woman, and I don’t need you to do all this knight in shining armor shit, okay? Just be you, and we will always be all right.” My smile pulled to the side, and he smirked in return.

  “You don’t get to tell me what to do. If I want to pick you up, I’m picking you up. I love that you’re strong, Tiff, but so am I.” It took two strides before he had me caged against the mirror on the wall, stopping my heart. “Let me be a man, let me be what you deserve.” He leaned down and kissed my jaw, his nose tracing the curve as he burrowed in my neck and inhaled. “I want to give you every… fucking… thing.”

  I took a deep breath, letting Seth fill my lungs. “Pick me up at six.” I managed to whisper before his lips crashed into mine.

  This kiss left me in ashes. His left hand bracing the back of my head, the fingers of his right hand gently wrapped around my neck, his thumb firmly placed against my pulse. I pressed my hips into his obvious arousal, and he groaned. The palm of his hand left a trail of fire from my neck to my breast as his thumb pulled across my nipple. The fabric of my shirt a thin, unwanted barrier. If he didn’t leave soon, I’d be helpless to his touch. I’d let him have me here on this floor if he asked it of me.

  My hand skated down his chest and as I started to lift the hem of his shirt… he stilled.

  “I’m going.” His lips spread into a wide smile against mine.

  I grumbled. “You are such a tease.”

  His earnest laugh made me grin. “I’ve never heard that before.”

  “Well, it’s true,” I infused as much irritation as possible into my voice.

  He pushed my hair behind my ears with his fingers on either side of my face. “Tomorrow at six, and on the ride over to Liz’s we’ll discuss a date… a real date. Dinner and a movie or some shit like that.” His eyes filled with humor as he awaited a response.

  I nodded and stepped up on my toes to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

  “I’ll walk you to your car.” It was a statement not a question, and my heart filled with pride. He could be chivalrous all he wanted.

  I nodded again. Seth and I did a quick clean up before I grabbed my things. I hadn’t done a proper cleaning of my station, but I didn’t care. Tomorrow the bar was closed and I could come here in the morning and finish up the tedious task. We walked out of the shop in a comfortable silence.

  “See you tomorrow.” He kissed me with ease, with soft, tender, pillow like lips in front of my car door. He feathered fingertips across my jaw as he pulled away. It felt like I was ending the best date of my life.

  “Looking forward to it.” My smile mirrored his as I opened the car door, and he shut it behind me. He watched me back out and pull away.

  The skin on my lips ached, the feeling of his body against mine lingered as the distance grew between us. I wanted to turn the car around, climb into his bed, and feel what it was like to be taken by him. I wanted to tell him I didn’t need real dates. That this night… his kisses… were the most real thing I’ve ever had.

  I didn’t need dates, gifts, or any of it to be won over. You can’t win what you already own. I was his… I’d always been his. I just had to wait for him to figure it out.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Seth

  “GODDAMNIT, SETH, GIVE THEM to me.” Lily’s face was hysterical as she barged through my bedroom door. Normally, having a chick in my domain would have
pissed me off, but I figured she’d come barging in here once she figured it out.

  “I’m not into sleeping with pregnant women. Maybe come back in about nine months… out of my room, please.” My face showed no emotion, and it only aggravated her further. This little game was my favorite.

  “Seth, I’m going to fucking murder you.” Lily’s freckles started to fade as her face turned pinker with anger. She grabbed one of my books off my bookshelf and chucked it at me. I almost fell off the bed where I was sitting to avoid the blow. My laughter came out full force, and she growled.

  “Such language… you’re going to be a mom soon. Can’t be dropping f-bombs.” I laughed as she pulled the large white towel tighter around her body. Her red hair was soaked and the water dripped lazily down her shoulders.

  “I’m going to tell Todd this time.” Her tone of voice was serious, but the slight twitch of her lip proved she was on the verge of laughing. Her anger was quite comical because it never lasted long.

  “By all means, tell him, Hell Cat. He’ll be here soon anyway, and I’ve got nothing to hide.” I smirked.

  “Bullshit, give me my damn underwear, Seth!” She stomped her foot like a toddler.

  She was so much like Todd. They both were so passionate about everything they did; it was so easy to rile them up. Since she moved in I figured out she is very routine, and I love to mess with her. Sometimes when she was in the shower I’d take the shirt she’s laid out or her jeans. Most of the time I took her toothbrush because it pissed her off the most. I always returned them. She’d never gotten this mad before. Hormones… such a buzzkill.

  I motioned with my chin to my bedroom door. “Freezer.”

  She groaned and marched toward the door. “Why are you so weird?”

  “Grew up without one ounce of estrogen in my house… does that explain it?” I said flatly, and she frowned.

  “Seth.”

  I didn’t like how she said my name. With pity. Lily and I grew up with pieces of shit for mothers. If anything, this bond was what helped me like her, helped me see her for more than just Todd’s girlfriend. She was my friend too, and, as screwed up as it seemed to some, our relationship was just what I wanted. She was this attractive girl — this talented, broken female that I couldn’t have — and, for some reason, I loved it… valued it actually. But right now, she was standing in my room, naked with nothing but a towel, and staring at me like I was a hurt puppy. Typically, I would have fucked some sense into a girl if she looked at me like that, but this wasn’t some bar slut, this was Lily and I was trying to turn over a new leaf.