Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “Stop giving me that look, Lil.” I stood abruptly, hoping she would leave.

  “I’m sorry. I just forget sometimes… this living with a female stuff is probably hard on you.” She smiled softly at me, and my jaw relaxed. She was just trying to understand me, and I was being a dick.

  “I’m just messing with you. I won’t steal your shit anymore, it’s inappropriate.” I met her eyes, and she nodded.

  “Thanks. It’s funny, though. Just… leave my underwear out of the mix. The freezer, Seth… geez that’s gross. No more, okay?” She laughed gently as she turned to leave.

  “Okay.”

  “Why the hell are you walking out of Seth’s room half naked?” Todd’s deep voiced echoed through the condo, and I couldn’t help myself but I laughed.

  Todd’s dark eyes moved quickly over Lily’s body. Assessing the situation before he moved them to me. He narrowed his gaze at me, the line of his jaw tight. Shit.

  “Chill out, bro, it’s not like that, so stop whatever crazy ass scenario you got going in your head right now.” I spoke evenly trying to defuse the situation. Todd’s breathing had picked up a notch, and his hand was rolled into a fist.

  “Seth was just being Seth, baby. He steals my clothes sometimes when I’m showering and–“

  “He what?” His eyes locked on mine, and I had to suppress the laugh that was burning my throat by biting the inside of my cheeks. This just served to piss him off more.

  Lily placed her small hand on his chest. “Look at me. He’s just playing, hon. He’s like an annoying big brother.”

  Todd didn’t take his eyes off of me. “Stop touching my girl’s shit, man.”

  I held up my hands in surrender. “Never again.” My mask slipped, and I grinned.

  “You’re an asshole.” He grumbled.

  I nodded. “We need to be at Lizzie’s in an hour. You guys heading soon?”

  “I’m gonna get dressed.” Lily leaned up on her toes and kissed Todd on the cheek. “Behave, he was just playing,” she whispered just quietly enough to think I couldn’t hear. Todd watched her for a few seconds as she walked away before he turned his glare back to me.

  “The fuck, dude?” He moved past where I was standing.

  “It’s funny. She gets all flustered and shit. I swear… this is the first time she’s ever come in here in just a towel. It’s not like that for me though, man, you know this. That’s your girl. I’m actually insulted you would think that.” I shook my head with real disappointment.

  “You’re right. This whole pregnancy thing has me on protection over drive, man. Holy shit, how the hell am I gonna deal with this?” He walked past me and sat on the edge of my bed.

  I chuckled. He was always dramatic. “You’re such a fucking girl.”

  “I won’t hesitate to punch you in the goddamn jaw right now… don’t try me.” Todd’s palms scrubbed down his face.

  “If punching me in my jaw will make you stop growing a pussy, than by all means…” Todd’s brows furrowed and his eyes met mine. “I’m serious. You’re a great dad to Molly, you love Lily, so what’s the problem? What are you afraid of?”

  “Failure.” Todd’s voice was tight; the emotion in his tone was evident even though he was trying to hide it.

  “Failure? You’re already doing it. You’re Lily’s knight in shining armor for Christ’s sake. Molly looks at you like you’re a superhero. You got this, Todd, you always have. It’s just who you are, bro.”

  “Yeah?” He looked at me with sincerity.

  I nodded. “Should we hug this out now or what? I need to go get Tiff.”

  He laughed. “Fuck off.” He stood and shoved me, but not with any real strength. “So you and Tiff are finally gonna make a go of it then?” Todd’s lopsided smirk was self-righteous. I hated that this idiot knew me so well.

  “I think so.” Might as well be honest. “I really care about her.”

  Todd’s eyes widened. “You do?”

  “I do. Always have, man. You know this, but I just wasn’t sure what I wanted, if I could trust it. Still not sure what the hell I’m doing. But, I know it feels good, feels right.”

  His mouth split into a wide smile. “Well, hell… I’m speechless. Seth Montgomery finally… taking his head out of his ass.”

  My fist connected with his shoulder, and he snickered. “Get the fuck out of my room.”

  “Go get your girl.” His dumb ass grin was plastered on his face as he walked through the door backwards.

  “See you at Liz’s.”

  Grabbing my wallet and keys off the dresser, I glanced down at my watch. In ten minutes, I’d be surrounded by her scent, her voice, her smile. I shook my head and let myself smile. Fuck, I was in deep and I couldn’t care less.

  MY KNUCKLES RAPPED AGAINST her door three times. The blood rushed through my veins as I waited. I felt dumb for being this nervous, but everything was out in the open, and I had no clue what would happen next. It was unsettling. The sound of the dead bolt unlatching made me swallow. My mouth was dry, and my stomach dropped like I was falling from a great height.

  The door opened and a gust of floral air hit my nose and calmed my nerves. I glanced up and Tiffany’s hazel eyes actually sparkled as they found purchase on mine. Every fear I had was shattered as her red lips pulled into a smile. My favorite two freckles stood out on her rosy cheek, and I grinned.

  “Hey you.”

  “Hey Angel.” The fingers of my right hand brushed against her cheek and trailed down her neck as I moved her dark hair over her shoulder. She eased into my embrace, the tip of my nose grazed her pulse line, and I breathed her in. She shivered under my touch and pulled away just enough so I could kiss her. “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

  “Me too.” The statement was almost inaudible as I brought my lips to hers.

  My hands framed her face, and my eyes closed on their own as I was enveloped in her sweet taste. She tasted like those white, sweet mint candies you got at restaurants. My tongue licked her bottom lip, and I pulled away. She moaned, and I began to rethink this whole dinner with friends shit.

  “I’d rather stay here.” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. This woman was killing all my control.

  She giggled and pushed on my chest. “No way, you promised me a date.”

  “This isn’t a date.” I smirked as the corners of her mouth dipped into a frown.

  “It isn’t?”

  “Nope.” I laughed at the deep crease of confusion that was sitting between her brows. “Remember, it’s not a real date. I have something planned for our actual first date.”

  “You do?” she asked. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were drawn into an excited smile.

  “I do.”

  She bit her lip in an attempt to tamp down her obvious enthusiasm. “Well, let’s go to Lizzie’s, and you can tell me about this plan on the way.” She shut and locked her door and, when she was finished, I took her hand in mine.

  The pad of my free thumb pressed the unlock button on my remote entry key for my car and the familiar beep sounded.

  “I’ll never get used to this.” I looked down at our entwined fingers.

  “I hope not.” The green in her irises brightened with her smirk.

  She didn’t have to hope. There was no getting used to a girl like Tiffany. There was no getting used to falling part, losing control, feeling so content and scared at the same time. I wanted this… her, so badly I wasn’t thinking straight. This was our beginning, and the little thread of hope I’d almost thrown away was starting to grow.

  I wanted everything and anything with her all at once. If anyone needed to hope, it was me.

  I hoped I could trust her.

  I hoped that I would get to keep feeling this happy.

  I hoped I wouldn’t screw this up.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Tiffany

  THE QUIET COUNTRYSIDE PASSED quickly by as we drove down the long road west towards Elizabet
h and Sawyer’s house. The smell of leather filled the small space in the car making me feel luxurious. The warmth of his hand infused my palm. He’d only released my hand a few times since we’d been in the car. He’d settled for my thigh at times, but then, as if he missed the contact, he’d lace his fingers with mine.

  After I badgered him about the date he was planning to no avail, it became apparent it was going to stay a surprise. We didn’t talk much, and I was okay with that. I liked how we could just be. Be quiet, be comfortable in our own skin, and just be… us. No games, just Seth, music, and the delicate hum of the road. The sound of twangy guitars sounded through the speakers and I smiled. I hadn’t heard this song in so long, and I thought it an odd choice for Seth.

  “Mazy Star?” My eyes traced the outline of his delicious jaw as his lips pulled into a sideways smirk. “This is sort of a chick song, isn’t it?” I laughed, and his smile grew.

  “Music was the only thing that was able to make me feel for a long time. Music still makes me feel alive. Each note pulls something from me. I don’t give a shit if it’s meant to be a “chick song” or if it’s hard… noisy. If it’s good, if I can feel it in my chest, it’s what I want to hear. This song is so damn sad. I love it.” He turned his head to look at me, taking his attention off the road for a moment. His eyes vibrant and intense dusted along my features. The way he looked at me, like he was seeing something so spectacular, had my pulse soaring.

  “Is it weird that I think it’s sexy that you like sad songs?” I cast my eyes down unable to last under his stare. His laugh made me glance back up quickly. He was watching the road as we turned down a long driveway.

  “Sexy huh?” His smile was breathtaking, and I flicked my eyes down again, unable to take all of him in… he was too attractive, it wasn’t fair. “You’re fucking beautiful when you’re timid like this.”

  The car came to a stop, and my cheeks heated. Seth was observant, and his watchful intrigue wasn’t something I was used to having directed at me. I kept my eyes on my lap and pulled my teeth across my bottom lip, a nervous habit. I’d spent so long hating myself, making sure all I ever saw was a monster in my reflection in the mirror, but his words, the way his eyes always devoured me, I couldn’t help but feel beautiful.

  He dropped my hand and placed his fingers under my chin urging me to look at him. Our eyes searching each other’s… his pale blues eclipsed by his pupils. “Do you do that when you come?” The question shocked me, and I inhaled a small gasp of air. His thumb moved across my mouth, parting my lips for me, making it almost impossible to speak.

  “Do what?” My voice trembled as his thumb now moved leisurely across my cheekbone.

  I watched as his eyes moved to my mouth and he swallowed. “Bite your lip like that?” Seth guided his hand lightly to the nape of my neck and drew me in… his lips finding mine. The kiss was so gentle… so slow… it made me ache. Ache for more… ache for the rough feel of his fingertips on my skin. His kiss had every nerve ending in my body on fire.

  I pulled away just enough to speak against his mouth. “I’m… I’m not sure.” His question, this kiss… I was in the clouds, and the pulse between my legs grew with every stroke of his thumb on my skin.

  “I want to know… I need to know. It’s all I think about, seeing you undone. Do you moan quietly or blush like you’re doing right now? Will you let me watch you with eyes wide open, Tiff? Will you bite that fucking lip?” He kissed me softly and then sucked on my bottom lip, making me groan. Just when I thought I would never make it out of this car, he stopped. “Christ.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Shit… I shouldn’t say things like that to you. I’m—“

  “Seth—” I interrupted. “Never apologize for being you. You’ve made me feel… alive and, right now, all I want…” I chose this moment to be brave, to show him he can be himself with me whenever he wanted. “… all I want… is to show you those things. I want to know how you’ll make me feel. Will you take me hard or soft? Will I want you to do both? I want to know… what it’ll be like to be with you… just you, and if you’ll really let me in… completely.”

  His breathing increased and the silence in the car became almost unbearable. It was only a few seconds before his lips fused with mine. But those few beats, that small measure of time was filled with so much expectation, it almost hurt to breathe. His strong hands warmed my cheeks while his lips moved urgently against mine. If all I ever did for the rest of my life was kiss this man, I’d die a happy woman.

  He released me from his lips and smiled before he whispered, “I want to, Tiff… let you in.”

  I nodded and placed my hand in his. “That’s all I need to hear.”

  The serious crease in his brow relaxed. “Let’s head inside then.”

  He opened the car door for me. The aroma of the blue spruce that lined Elizabeth’s quaint brick house hit me and made me wish for Christmas. I wasn’t nervous anymore about tonight. Seth made me feel special, wanted, needed, sexy… everything I never thought a man could make me feel. Tonight was our unofficial first date, and so far he was setting the bar pretty freaking high.

  THE HOUSE WAS PACKED. Everyone was here and everyone was coupled. Elizabeth and Sawyer. Cam and Colby. Todd and Lily. And now… Seth and me. The fear of feeling like an outsider subsided quickly after we’d walked in. The smell of Liz’s home cooked meal, the welcomes and happy well wishes for Seth and me made it seem like I’d always been a part of who these guys were. It helped that Liz’s daughter, Sailor, was pretty much the most adorable kid I’d ever seen. Todd’s daughter, Molly, wasn’t here tonight, so I could say that and not feel guilty.

  Seth seriously almost had an orgasm over the fact that Liz made Philly cheese steaks, and I think I laughed for a solid five minutes over his reaction.

  “Don’t judge me until you try them. Sin on a plate. That’s all I can say.” Seth scowled at my laughter.

  “He’s right, these sandwiches are fucking legendary.” Todd clapped his hand on Seth’s shoulder.

  “Oh my God, Todd, you’ve got to stop swearing in front of Sailor. She’s gonna say that word, and it will totally be your fault.” Cam’s sweet voice echoed over the chatter of the house. I’d only met her a few times, but I still couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. She was so tall and had long, thick strawberry blonde hair, not to mention all the curves to go with it.

  “She’s not even in the room, Cammie, so shut the hell up.” Todd shoved her playfully.

  “She’s right, bro, how would you like it if I always swore in front of Molly?” Seth’s eyebrow rose in question.

  “That’s different,” Todd said.

  “How?” Cam looked at him with narrowed eyes.

  “She’s old enough to understand shit. Sailor still drools and barely has teeth, let alone the ability to say fuck.”

  “Watch your mouth, brother.” Sawyer’s deep masculine voice boomed, and Todd cringed.

  “Sorry.” Todd gave him a repentant look, and Seth laughed behind his closed fist.

  “What? You’ll listen to him?” Cam was incredulous.

  “He’s her dad.” Todd’s smile widened.

  Cam huffed. “I’m practically her aunt.”

  “Not really,” Seth said flatly without real emotion, and it made me giggle. He was trying to stir the pot.

  “Whatever.” Cam stormed out of the room and the boys all laughed, including Sawyer.

  “Cam’s so cute when she’s angry.” Todd’s shoulders shuddered with amusement.

  Seth laughed and took my hand in his “You hungry?”

  “I’m starving,” I replied.

  Dinner was as Seth had described it. Sin on a plate. Elizabeth was such a good cook. Not one person spoke at first when we sat down to eat, but after the first few bites were eaten, the dining room slowly filled with the murmur of conversation.

  “Are you liking the tattoo shop, Tiff?” Elizabeth asked as she pushed a piece of her wavy chocolate brown hair behind her ear. H
er bright blue eyes observed me kindly from across the table.

  “I do. It’s been great so far. I’m thinking about leaving Blue to work there full time.”

  “You what?” Todd’s surprised tone silenced the room.

  “I really want work at Magnolia full time, Todd. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” I felt uncomfortable being the center of attention at the moment and gave him a pleading look to let it go. But this was Todd I was talking to, and he never let things go.

  “That sucks. You’re just gonna leave… no hesitation?” The sadness in his voice mixed with an undertone of betrayal.

  “It’s what she wants, bro, drop it.” Seth’s tone bordered on irritation as he gave Todd a pointed stare.

  “It’s fine, Seth. Todd, don’t worry. I’ll stay on very part time if Frank will let me. Still help with inventory and stuff. I won’t leave you high and dry. I’ll make sure someone is trained and running things better than me before you and Lily have the baby. I promise.”

  The collected gasps alerted me that I had just fucked up… royally.

  “The baby?” Elizabeth gaped at Todd while Lily gave me a wounded look, and I felt like crap. Todd gave me a murderous expression, and I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. How could I let something like that slip?

  “I’m… I’m,” I stuttered unable to speak as the emotion squeezed my throat shut.

  “It’s okay, Angel,” Seth’s calm whisper and his warm hand on my thigh helped me keep my cool, but I could feel my hands shaking under the table.