Mr. Bow Tie

by Alice Patron

  Jessie

  P.s. Have you ever heard the music from Carmen? If not, go look it up now! Or better yet, go see the opera live and tell me how it is. My humanities teacher has been showing us clips in class from different operas, and it's my favorite so far.

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: The Symphony

  Date: October 21, 2017

  Have you ever been to the symphony? Last night, Lakelyn took me and Jemma with her. She told me and Jemma we didn't really have to go if we didn't want to, as if we were doing her some big favor by taking the extra tickets. It wasn’t hard to convince me, even before she said we’d meet Will there. We were barely on time. We were ready to go early, but Lakelyn saw our clothes and made us dress up nicer. I don't really have fancy clothes though, so Lakelyn let me borrow a blue shimmery thing that made me feel like I was going to the prom. Well, I imagine that's how it feels to get dressed up for prom. Not that I would know.

  We got to Abravanel Hall and Lakelyn showed our tickets. Then we followed Lakelyn to some first row balcony seats right in the middle. The people working there were calling her Miss Pendleton and treating us all so well. The music was amazing! They played a beautiful piano concerto. I have never really been into classical music, but it was so good! Another beautiful thing was the full meal during intermission. It was only for rich people, or, you know, donors or something. Most of the patrons were standing around chatting, but Jemma and I focused on our chicken salad sandwiches and cookies. Not even Will could distract me from the sumptuous feast. He found some boring old person to talk to instead. After intermission, he switched seats with Lakelyn, so we ended up sitting by each other for the best part of the concert: music from Indiana Jones. I was completely wrapped up in the music, so I was not expecting it when he reached over and held my hand. Of course, once he was holding my hand I would not have noticed if they were playing Indiana Jones or The Wiggles. All I could think about was the feel of his hand - warm and slightly rough - and how it felt when he traced his thumb around the back of my hand.

  Doesn't it all sound lovely? It was lovely. I can't describe how silly happy I was. But after the concert, I drove home with Jemma and Lakelyn and he texted me the following: “Jessie, I'm sorry about tonight. Under the circumstances, I should not have held your hand. I won't cross the line anymore, as much as you tempt me. Sorry.” Dear Grandfather, what the heck does that mean? Why is holding my hand crossing a line? What “circumstances” would keep him away from me? I asked Lakelyn in the car after the text if her Uncle Will was married. She laughed for like ten whole seconds before she said that he's never even been close to married. She probably knows now that I'm interested. Oh, well. I'm not sure if I should be upset with him, sad for him, or what. I don't know why he feels the need to keep his distance from me. Is it just me? Is he avoiding a relationship with anyone? At least I “tempt him,” I guess.

  In happier news, Hunter passed the GED. So now he has “graduated” ahead of his class. Maybe high school isn't the right thing for some people. He's looking into doing a welding apprenticeship and hasn't been hanging out with the same friends that he was getting into trouble with. Mom is liking her job and says she is done dating for now. She has friends from work that she likes to hang out with, and at least from how she describes them, they are good for her to be around. I’ve created better boundaries with Mom. I haven’t been giving her money, which makes her think I’m the worst daughter in the world, but I feel really good about it. She doesn’t know it, but I also have boundaries about how she can make me feel. I’ve discovered that she has been emotionally manipulating me all my life, and I’m trying to not let it control how I act or think about myself. I’m still trying to stay in contact, though.

  Thanks for being there for me, Grandpa Bow Tie.

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Merry Christmas!

  Date: December 25, 2017

  Grandfather Bow Tie,

  Thank you so much for the chocolates and earrings! I have never received such a wonderful Christmas gift in my life, and that's the truth! I wanted to find a way to send it back at first, because I felt guilty accepting it, but I wasn't sure how to go about it since the package came directly from a store. And I've never owned diamond earrings in my life. Well, diamond anything. You really do spoil me. It's a shame - I was getting to have such a fine character.

  Did you ever second-guess yourself in college? I guess it's too late to change my major. It's just that I sometimes wonder if I'm really cut out for helping people and if I can get up every morning and go to work to deal with people that have serious problems to work through. Isn't it exhausting to think about getting dragged along in people's drama day in and day out? I wonder if I should have been a car mechanic instead… the kind that doesn't talk to customers. Or a computer programmer. Or a mortician.

  I just need to finish college at this point and not start over - besides, maybe I'd start another major only to question myself again a couple years down the road.

  I have been doing a lot of thinking about this scholarship. First of all, it has helped me so much. Like, it's actually changed my life. I hadn't decided where to go to college, but such an amazing scholarship at such a good school was too much to pass up. Being at the University of Utah introduced me to Jemma. I know we are going to be best friends for our entire lives. If we never marry, then we can be roommates into our 90s - drinking protein shakes and hitting up the bingo scene. It will be wild. This scholarship has also helped me become much more independent. I needed to get away, not just for my sanity, but also to figure out what I truly want for myself. I'm always going to want to live up to that expectation you've set for me to change the world. It's always in my thoughts and it influences my decisions. I will always be grateful to you for that.

  All of that being said, I have decided to decline the remainder of my scholarship. I've had it in my mind for a long time now that I'd like to pay back my scholarship somehow. I grew up on handouts, which I really appreciate now, but I want this to be the start of Jessie Whiting taking care of herself. I've saved up from summer jobs, so I can do it. It will take a while for me to pay back everything, but I'll start by paying the rest of my way through college. I can finish in two semesters if I take eighteen credits until I'm done. Then once I have a steady job, I'll save up and hopefully, someday, pay for another student's scholarship.

  Here is my silly request, though, and the only reason I hesitated to tell you of my plan to decline the scholarship: I want to keep writing you until the end of college. It sounds silly, but hear me out - just knowing someone is there, that they are reading my emails and rooting for me - it really feels good. It motivates me to be better and not settle for the mediocre future I otherwise would have been destined for. Would you mind, dear Grandfather, if I keep writing you? I want you to know how college is preparing me to change the world. How about I just keep writing until I figure out how to make a difference, or until I graduate, whichever comes first?

  Thank you, a million times over!

  Jessie Whiting

  To: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  From: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  Subject: Re: Merry Christmas!

  Date: December 28, 2017

  Mr. Bow tie would love for you to keep writing. Please don't stop now! He is proud of the decision you have made to pay back the scholarship. You were the first recipient that our dear Mr. Bow Tie has sponsored, and it has gone so well that he plans to sponsor four new candidates next year.

  I want to thank you, on behalf of the scholarship office, for doing so much good in the world and amongst your fellow students. Hearing about your successes, along with other scholarship recipients, makes my job a satisfying one.

  Thank you, and best of luck in your future endeavors.

  Jane Lippett,

  Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid


  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Men!

  Date: January 30, 2018

  Dear Mr. Bow Tie,

  Adam was dating someone in Denver, but they broke up. He drove all the way to Utah this weekend to tell me that he wants to date me again. It was really flattering, and he did drive all the way out here, so I said sure. I thought I had put our relationship behind me, but we'll see how it goes this time around.

  Guess who else has been spending time around here? Will. He dropped by today and we went for a long walk around the neighborhood. He tried to hold my hand, so I had to tell him that Adam and I are dating again. He gave me my hand back, along with a grumpy look. I was glad to have an excuse, actually. I'm still trying to work out why he thought he shouldn't hold my hand before. Apparently, circumstances have changed for him and he feels free to do so now.

  Don't worry, dear Grandfather, these boys aren't the only thing I think about. Yesterday, I saw the most sophisticated-looking sweater at the store. I plan to make it a gift for your 84th birthday.

  With love,

  Jessie

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Going to Cali

  Date: February 26, 2018

  Adam has been coming out most weekends to see me. Things are pretty comfortable with him (except when I'm riding in the passenger seat of his car - it's never comfortable to feel like you are about to die). He has a good job in Denver, and if I move out there after college, we could get married and raise a family in a happy, normal suburb. He hasn't asked me to marry him or anything, but when he talks about his future, he includes me in it. It's amazing to look back at the last three years and see how far I've come. I'm dating a handsome, normal guy with no major problems. It's amazing to think of the future, too. I can just see it all now: I graduate, move to Denver, find a job there as a social worker, eventually we have kids, and our kids have an Aunt Jemma. That could be fun. It would be pretty awesome to have Jemma as a sister-in-law.

  I haven't seen Will in about a month. He has been in California working.

  I know I haven't written much about school, but you haven't complained. My confidence has soared. I even had an argument with my social diversity professor. I looked it up after class and found that he was right. I'm a different person now. I go on dates. I talk to people. I enjoy school. Life is fun! The trick is I just don't think about what's going on at home. I know, I'm terribly selfish. But I'm also terribly happy when I only think of myself!

  In other news, Lakelyn invited me to go to LA for spring break. We get to stay at her house in Glendale. I was half expecting Jemma to invite me to go to Zion National Park with her family, but Lakelyn asked first, so I'll have to go and put up with the Pendleton family. At least Will might be there to talk to. I haven't heard from him. I don't think he's mad at me; more like disappointed. Honestly, I'm a bit unsure of how to act around him after our recent awkwardness, but I guess I'm still looking forward to seeing him. However it turns out with Will, I'm determined to have a good time. Lakelyn says they'll probably see an opera if I don't mind, because her grandpa has season tickets. I'm getting all my culture through her.

  Love,

  Jessie

  P.s.

  Adam is handsome, he has a cleft in his chin,

  Dimples on both sides, and a white, shiny grin

  Just don't be a server bringing his steak over-done

  ‘Cause he'll ask for another but won't tip you a ton

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Spring Break

  Date: April 1, 2018

  Lakelyn’s house is amazing. It's like a house you'd see in movies. They have a theater room and a sauna and of course a pool. Will came every day to see us. His apartment is only twenty minutes from Lakelyn's house. One day he came over while everyone else was playing pool except me. We grabbed a snack from the kitchen, then we snuck out and he drove me all around town. I saw where he went to elementary school, where some of his friends live, and his apartment building. Maybe he isn't quite as poor as I thought. It's funny I was nervous to see him - he just treated me like a good friend, like before, and it was perfect.

  You will never guess what opera we saw… Carmen! Remember I studied it last year and it was my favorite? It was, of course, fantastic to see it in person. Perfect, really. It was all perfect. Even being with Lakelyn's stuffy family was fine since Will was there to balance them out. It's funny that Lakelyn calls him the black sheep of the family.

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Nobody Likes Me

  Date: April 17, 2018

  Adam is a little mad at me right now. He asked me to go ring shopping with him, but I told him I need a little more time. He's texted me twice in the past 24 hours just to ask if I'm ready yet. I know he thinks I like Will. I told him Will is out of the picture - it's just my own commitment issues stopping me.

  Will has been stopping by a lot. I'm getting more confused than ever.

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Henderson, NV

  Date: May 5, 2018

  I'm writing from home - well, Henderson. I don't consider it home anymore. I got a call from Uncle Dave last week that Mom has been doing really badly. She lost her job at Walgreens and her new boyfriend introduced her to meth, so now she is dealing with that addiction on top of alcohol. I knew nothing about any of it until Uncle Dave called. I came down, and I've been trying to get her to seek help, but she keeps telling me she doesn't have a problem. She tells me she's never been happier or more productive. Her addictions rule her life - they are more important than her job, than food or money, and more important than her family. I try to only blame the addictions, not her. Hunter was staying at a friend's house through most of this, but he got caught selling drugs and is now in a youth detention center. Obviously, he lost his welding apprenticeship. He will be eighteen in a month, and then the consequences get even more serious. He will have to figure it out on his own though, because he isn't listening to me or Uncle Dave anymore. I won't repeat what he said to me last time I visited him at the detention center. His language is not fit to be heard by someone as good and kind as you.

  No one can ever say I was spoiled by my family.

  It's funny, but this whole week I've been here, I just can't help but feel that this isn't home anymore. Nobody wants me here, besides Uncle Dave - and I think he wishes he didn't have relatives at all. Mom and Hunter are family, so I can't ignore the serious problems they are dealing with, but I have learned to become emotionally detached. I'm going to Utah again for a summer internship, then I just have fall semester before I graduate. I assumed I'd go back to Vegas once I was done with school, but now I would rather stay in Salt Lake. Vegas is too close to family, and I'd just feel stuck. Utah is where my best friends are, anyway, besides Will. But he is in Utah often enough that I'd get to see him if I settled down in a job there. Of course, Denver would work, too.

  Where do you live, Mr. Bow Tie? Do you like it where you are?

  To: sfc.scholarship@sa.utah.edu

  From: jessie.whiting@utah.edu

  Subject: Please forward to Mr. Bow Tie without reading

  Date: December 14, 2018

  Dear Grandpa Bow Tie,

  I finished my last final this afternoon. I should feel a sense of accomplishment, but instead I feel like I've failed. I haven't written for a while, because I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I got a job as a social worker for the DCFS in Utah - the same place I did my internship. I should be so happy, since it's what I wanted all along, but I feel apathetic about it. I start next week. Is that how I'm going to make a difference in the world? I thought about starting a non-profit for people with addictions. I did a lot of research an
d started the paperwork, but I never followed through. It would be more worth my time to just volunteer at an already existing non-profit. I'm not super excited about my degree right now, either. Mom is back together with Chad. Hunter spent a few nights in jail and seems to be following down the same path as Mom. I can't talk sense into either of them, and neither of them will answer my calls and messages. Maybe I will be just as pathetic as a social worker as I am as a daughter and sister.

  The other reason I haven't written is because, apparently, it's hard to write to you when I have a broken heart. Will came to Utah a couple months ago and talked to me about my future. I told him I was planning on marrying Adam, and he responded by kissing me. I really tried not to kiss him back, but I may have given in a little bit. I hope you don't think I'm terribly awful and fickle. I felt guilty afterwards, which I think was the reason behind me messing up the whole thing. I felt bad breaking my commitment to Adam, so then I said some untrue and unkind words to Will. I didn't know what to do, so I did it all wrong.

  So now, for the past two months, I've been working to remedy the mistake I made that day. Because, basically, I just really want to kiss Will again and know that he still cares about me. I knew I first had to talk to Adam, so I called him up. I started by saying all the nice things I could to him, then said I wanted to still be his friend but not date anymore. Then he told me he knew I wouldn't make a good wife and I wasn't that pretty anyway. He said he dated me all along just for the fun of it, not because he really cared about me. I spent about a week feeling really low and believing that I was the person Adam described me to be. Jemma figured out what had happened between me and her brother, though. She said she had thought for a while that we weren't really meant for each other, as much as she loved both of us. She also said Adam has always been a sore loser and not to take to heart anything he may have said out of anger. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear all of that from her. I really didn't want to lose my most valued friendship, and I really needed a friend to boost me up. It actually has been a relief not to be dating Adam anymore. I needed to create some distance from him before I could see how clearly what I really want in a boyfriend.