Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

  “I know it must have been hard to spend your birthday alone.” He glanced over my shoulder and out the door before reaching into his desk and pulling out a small package. “Happy Birthday, by the way… I know it’s late. I was going to give it to you the other day. I went to your work, but you looked so upset. I didn’t know if it would make it worse.”

  I smiled, putting my book into my messenger bag and opening the box to find a weathered, worn novel. “When’s this from?”

  “Early 1800’s second edition,” he replied as I ran my fingers over the rough leather and flipped the thin pages of Emma. He sat in his chair and put his hands in fists on his desk.

  “I miss you,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut before standing to hug me, but he stopped as Lily came in through the door. I turned, trying to avoid eye contact with her, but she saw the tears in my eyes and smirked. I hoped she would take them as a sign I had gotten in trouble for my rudeness the day before.

  “I…coffee,” Tad mumbled as he turned and grabbed his cup, rushing out of the room. He returned to a class full of students and without his coffee cup. He turned to us with his face red as he yanked at the bottom of his vest to straighten it. Then he coughed and straightened his tie, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing and thinking. It was as if today was his first day as a teacher again, but then his eyes met mine. I smiled what I hoped was a reassuring smile and tightened my hands around the best present I had ever received. In an instant his shoulders relaxed.

  I raised my hand. “Yes, Vera?”

  “I’d like to answer the question you asked me yesterday,” I replied.

  “Of course,” he nodded with his blue eyes deepening.

  “The Sonnets have been said to have shown Shakespeare as he really was, to have shown his true heart. All the others were stories—plays, but this is who Shakespeare is and that’s the hardest thing to accept. It’s hardest to understand what someone’s heart is, yet sometimes it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

  Tad looked down at his shoes and shook his head as his lips spread into a gentle smile. “What will I teach you now—when you understand things better than I ever could?” he asked, laughing lightly to himself. They didn’t understand, for we were Shakespeare and they were mere actors in the play.

  Chapter 16

  It was beginning to be a daily ritual for Jaz and me to stand at my locker outside Tad’s room talking. Well, it was mostly her talking and me trying to not poke my own eyes out. She talked about the latest gossip, which I never really had much interest in, and then she talked about whatever Tad had decided to put on for the day. I admired him as much as she did, but I did it in my head. Today Tad stood outside his classroom with a smirk on his face as he watched Jaz and me talking. He could tell I was annoyed and was drawing a lot of amusement out of it. I was trying my hardest not to break out into a wild smile and stick my tongue out at him. When the bell rang he turned on his heel and began to go into his classroom.

  “Ugh…I seriously hated that Shakespeare crap Knightley made us read. I don’t even want to know what he’s going to torture us with next. I would never have taken this class had I known it would be like this,” Lily remarked as she walked past, and I knew Tad had heard because he had stopped, his muscles stiff in agitation.

  “Yeah, Lil, but come on—eye candy!” her friend retorted.

  “You know Mr. Knightley has ears, right?” I shot at them as I tried to put on my best mean girl face.

  Lily blushed, and I watched as Tad’s shoulders relaxed with silent laughter. I knew however, that Tad would not just ignore what Lily had said. When the class had filled, he clapped his hands and held them together with pause before speaking. “I’d like to thank Lily and her friend for the comment on my good looks, but apparently my teaching isn’t as interesting. Yet, somehow I think you might want to pay attention in class today,” he said, and the class burst into laughter but grew silent at his serious face as he continued, “So we did that fun music assignment at the beginning of the school year.” Tad pointed towards me. “Vera, what were you listening to this morning when you drove in? I could hear it from here.”

  I smiled. “August Burns Red.”

  “I believe the song was Existence?”

  “You’d be right.”

  “Seriously, hot,” the kid in the front row commented, and Tad kicked his desk.

  “Do you have the song on you right now?” Tad asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Would you mind playing it? And writing the lyrics along with it?” Tad pulled the speakers from his desk drawer, and I stood to go to the front of the room. I knew what he was doing and wrote a quote on the board before I handed Tad my cell phone. As our hands touched butterflies erupted in my stomach. “How many of you actually understood the songs that some chose that were metal? And did you instantly decide it was angry and tune it out?” he asked as he hit play and some of the girls in the room tried not to cringe. I turned my back to them and began to write the words of the song. When the song finished Tad let the words sink in. “’In our prejudice may we find understanding that dissuades hate and forms love.’ Vera, you could not have put it better. Do the rest of you now understand? Do you feel the same as you did at first, or do you see what Vera meant by her quote?” he continued to question as he handed me my phone and nodded for me to go sit back down. “This kind of music resembles what we just finished studying—with the fact that if you don’t understand Shakespeare you will hate it.” His eyes found Lily, who sunk further in her chair. “This hate also predisposes some to not trying to understand. But if you only try, you will finally hear the words for what they are.”

  When the class ended I waited for everyone to leave before standing. “That was clever, I really liked it,” I commented.

  “That quote you wrote was perfect.” Tad smiled up at me.

  “We make a good team,” I said as I stopped at his desk and ran my fingers over its edge.

  “It was like you read my mind,” he replied, his eyes drifting up my arm and to my face. It was as if he had touched me and goose bumps rose where his eyes had just been.

  I was unsure what to say, and I was trying to concentrate on not leaning down and kissing him.

  “Someone left their back pack,” I finally said as I kicked the bag beside his desk. “It’s a good thing because they need a new one.”

  Tad’s hands were tangled in his hair, and I wondered if he was trying to keep from reaching out and touching me. “Uh…that’s mine. I’m not really the brief case type.”

  “I didn't suggest that you have a briefcase, but maybe something that’s not from your freshman year of high school?"

  He laughed as the bell rang. "Thanks."

  "I guess I should go to my next class."

  "See you tomorrow." he replied, and his voice tinged with irritation as if he hated those words.

  "Saturday?" I teased.

  He sighed. "Wishful thinking."

  Chapter 17

  “Grapes, 4 bucks a pound. What the heck?” I mumbled to myself with a hand on my hip.

  “3.99 actually,” Tad interrupted.

  I jumped, throwing the bag of grapes I had in the air. “Same difference!”

  The grapes rained down over us. “That,” he laughed as he caught a grape and popped it in his mouth, “was classic.”

  “It’s not funny—look at this mess.”

  “Clean up in produce!” he hollered as he tried not to laugh. “This is very like you.”

  “Yes, I’m wonderful at making a complete ass out of myself in public!” I snapped as I leaned down to pick up the grapes.

  “With my assistance, of course,” he teased, leaning against the stack of produce.

  I threw the handful of grapes that I had collected at him. “You know what? You’re the ass.”

  He shrugged and began to pummel me with grapes. I was in hysterics now and my embarrassment was forgotten.

  “What the hell is going on he
re?” an employee chastised as he rounded the corner.

  Tad and I froze and stood, “I…she…grapes…uh…sorry man, clean up in the produce aisle?” Tad suggested, shrugging his shoulders.

  The employee narrowed his eyes. “Find another aisle to flirt in, please!”

  “Thanks, man,” Tad said as he grabbed my basket and dumped its contents into his carriage. “Let’s go before he makes us clean it up.”

  Once we were at the other side of the store he began to chuckle to himself. “I haven’t had that much fun since school started.”

  I sighed. “I wonder why?”

  “So Kirsten gave you a Friday night off? Aren’t you guys usually slammed today?”

  “She figured if I ever decided to be a normal teenager it would be nice to have a Friday night off to go to the movies or something,” I replied.

  “So instead, you go grocery shopping?”

  I turned so I could face him and walked backwards.

  “Where else would I run into my cute Brit Lit teacher?” I teased, and he was quiet so I changed the subject. “So, do you eat anything besides frozen meals?”

  “Well, now that I have no one to cook for me,” he began, and then added, “You know you shouldn’t do that with your—" I missed my step and began to fall backwards, but he caught me just before I hit the floor, “tendency to break things.”

  Our faces were inches from each other, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing—if only we were somewhere else. When he released me I pulled down my shirt where it had risen when his soft hands had slid around my hips and back to catch me. The places his hand had glided over my bare skin were on fire, just like my heart.

  “Have you been to Cambridge lately?” I finally managed to say.

  He shook his head. “It makes me miss you more.”

  “Mhmm…I guess we’re lucky it’s a Friday night and all the normal teenagers are all out partying,” I replied as we walked aimlessly through another aisle without getting anything.

  “Yeah, I guess so. You need anything else?” he asked, and I shook my head in response, but what I really needed was him. “Good. I want to take a closer look at your sweet ride.”

  Chapter 18

  I was beginning to get used to my new life and the loneliness it held. I ate breakfast alone, ate lunch with Jaz yammering in my ear and ate dinner in front of my flat screen. I was surprised I wasn’t talking to myself and going insane yet. It wasn’t normal for a person to be so alone, and it was even less normal for a teenager. I tried to tell myself I was getting used to it, but every single time I saw Tad the longing was still there, and it was perversely stronger with each class I had with him. I could handle it because I still was able to see him every day and now Jaz was reminding me that break was coming up and I would be even more alone.

  “I’m so happy it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow! I love pie!” Jaz exclaimed as we took our seats in Tad’s class.

  “Are you two attached at the hip?” Tad interjected as he looked over his coffee cup at us.

  I rolled my eyes as Jaz turned and answered, “We’re besties.”

  Tad held his cup over his mouth to cover his broad teasing smile. I wished I could smack him for it.

  “Right, Vera?” Jaz asked, turning back to me.

  “Well, seeing no one else talks to me…”

  “That’s not true Vera. You just have selective friend radar. You know I’m awesome, so you hang out with me!”

  “Yeah, that’s it selective friend radar,” I muttered with my eyebrows raised in mock horror, but Jaz didn’t notice.

  “Back to the pies! What’s your favorite part of Turkey day?” Jaz probed resting her head on her hands on the back of chair.

  I could tell that Tad wasn’t paying attention to the paper he was holding his red marker over because his eyes weren’t moving.

  “I don’t know.” I answered.

  “Does your dad always cut the turkey? My dad does,” she responded as she rolled her eyes. “He has to be king of the turkey or something.”

  “No, my mom used to carve the turkey,” I said, my eyes still on Tad.

  “You feeling okay, Vera? You look pale?” Jaz asked, lifting her head up.

  “Just thinking,” I replied, feeling my eyes go blurry. I was about to lose it, and no one could save me.

  “Always a thinker, never a talker. What are you doing, Mr. Knightley?” Jaz asked, turning to face him.

  I took the opportunity to quickly wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. I needed to concentrate on something else…him.

  “I usually eat over my aunt’s house with my dad and siblings,” he answered, still staring at the paper he wasn’t grading.

  “Usually? Are you doing something different this year?” Jaz continued her questioning.

  “Not sure some traditions need to be changed or modified. Don’t you think, Vera?” he suggested as he finally looked up.

  “Family traditions are important,” I confirmed as I tried to tell him with my eyes that he shouldn’t be thinking otherwise.

  He frowned at me. “What are you doing for Turkey Day?”

  “Nothing,” I sighed, and I knew it wouldn’t help the cause. He was planning something, whether I liked it or not.

  Jaz’s head shot around. “Your parents aren’t doing anything—at all?”

  “Uh…well, sure…nothing special though,” I managed to mutter.

  ~~~

  “What did you do that for?” I growled as the rest of the class filtered out into the hall for the ten minute break between blocks.

  “What?”Tad asked, keeping his eyes on his desk.

  “Put me on the spot like that—you knew the answer,” I fired at him with my arms crossed in defense across my chest.

  “I thought maybe you were doing something with Kirsten?” he replied, leaning away from my angry posture as his eyes met mine.

  “Come on, Knightley! You know I wouldn’t say that in front of Jaz even if I was!”

  “Uh oh, you must be very mad calling me Knightley like that,” he teased, leaning towards me.

  “You’re a jerk,” I hissed, but all the anger was gone, and instead I found myself being drawn towards him.

  “I just don’t think you should be alone on the holidays. Why didn’t Kirsten ask you over?”

  “She was looking for some time to go to New York to visit family. She needed to do it during a time I had a few days off school, so I told her to go for the long weekend because we have Friday and Monday off too.”

  “So you’re really doing nothing at all?”

  “Yeah…I guess so,” I replied, rolling my shoulders.

  “Does it get easier?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.

  I shook my head in response. “I was just a kid—holidays were what I looked forward to and now I hate them. It reminds me of how lonely I am.”

  “You wouldn’t be…if I—“

  “That’s not possible now.”

  “Sure it is,” he retorted with a shrug that was far too casual for what he was talking about.

  “If you got caught…” I began.

  “We aren’t dating, Vera.”

  “Thanks for reminding me.”

  “You know what I meant,” Tad replied.

  “Don’t worry about me Mr. Knightley,” I reassured him even though I felt that I was crumbling.

  He put his head in his hands. “If only…”

  “Have a good Thanksgiving Mr. Knightley,” I said as a student from his next class walked in.

  “Vera—” Tad began.

  “Hi Mark,” I greeted the student who had walked in, relieved I knew his name.

  “You as well,” Tad said with his face red.

  “Mr.Knightley I have a question on that essay you assigned?” Mark asked with a deer in the head lights look.

  I glanced back over my shoulder to meet Tad’s sad eyes following me.

  “Sure Mark, what can I do for you?”

  Chapter 19

&
nbsp; Pie! Everyone likes pie, so I threw myself into making a pumpkin and an apple pie from scratch. I had thought that it would take my mind off of the fact I was alone and no one could save me from it. It was true, I could have gone to New York with Kirsten and she had even offered to forgo the profits of Black Friday to help me. I had refused, knowing it would be awkward to meet a whole bunch of people I didn’t know and also that it would be just as painful to be there. It was very possible, I had learned, to feel lonely in a room full of people.

  The making of the pies only occupied me for an hour, and then as I sat on the couch watching the Thanksgiving parade I realized I had made the situation worse. The smell of the pies only reminded me of my mother cooking dinner for us and her closest friends, flour everywhere and her hair in a messy bun. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my eyes, if I were older, if I were out of high school, Tad would be here now. The doorbell rang, and I jumped at the sound.

  “Coming,” I grumbled as I stood up.

  I opened the door to find Tad leaning against the door frame looking at his feet. When he looked up at me he started laughing. “You’ve been cooking, huh? Did any of the flour get into the pan?” he teased as he reached up and rubbed my cheek clean.

  I couldn’t help but smile. “I thought making pies would take my mind off of things.”

  “Well, they sure do smell good. I hope you’ll share them with me?” he suggested.

  “Tad, what are you doing here?” I asked as I looked over his shoulder and pulled him inside before shutting the door.

  “You shouldn’t be alone.”

  “What if someone sees your car and knows I live here? You know how teenagers gossip!” I chided him, my face feeling warmer by the second.

  “My friend Toby lives right across the way. He’ll cover for me and say I was there…I’m not worried. Everyone at the school is already gossiping about how head over heels I am for girl that broke my heart. I’m sure Jaz told you all about it.”