Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

“Now you have to go,” Kirsten said as she tilted her head at me.

  “I suppose I do…and now I have to go shopping for you.” Kirsten shook her head no, and I shook my head yes.

  “Fine, I think it’s a good idea that you enjoy your Christmas vacation anyways. When you’re a grownup—well, when you’re out of high school, you won’t have that,” she said, shoving my purse at me and ushering me out the door.

  Chapter 21

  Kirsten and I had originally agreed not to exchange gifts, and I should have known that she would never stick to it. I figured that she believed it was another one of my self-inflicted tortures, and that was why she hadn’t stayed by our pact. Her mothering nature was an indication that she was mostly right; I didn’t want to have to see all the happy faces of people shopping for the ones they loved. It only reminded me that besides Kirsten, the ones I loved were out of reach in some way or another. The mall was a hated place for me, where irritating girls stood in giggling posses judging anyone and everyone they could for no apparent reason. I had been one of those girls, so I knew outdoor malls were safer, though they were cold and mini-skirts and Uggs were hard to pull off there.

  “Good Morning! Is there anything in particular I can help you with?” the girl standing at the door of the spa store offered.

  “Christmas shopping,” I replied with a smile. I watched as her forehead wrinkled and she looked away with a small shake of her head.

  “Sad…” she commented under her breath as if I was crazy and didn’t know that.

  When I turned a flash of brilliant maroon hair caught my eye. I could only imagine having hair like that, and wondered what would posses someone to dye their hair that color. The woman looked like Disney’s Little Mermaid with that red hair hanging to her waist. It was overwhelming her because she was such a petite woman, and I was curious what her face looked like, but knew I shouldn’t stare. I shrugged before turning and beginning to sample the scents in the store. I felt the creepy, uncomfortable sensation that someone was watching me, but every time I glanced over my shoulder the redhead was turned in another direction or paying attention to something else. I made my purchase and rushed out of the store trying to shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

  Breathing easier now, I slowed once I was on the other side of the plaza of stores and stopped in front of a window showcasing stylish leather messenger bags. Tad had a rather beaten up backpack.

  As I walked into the store the man behind the counter looked over the rim of his glasses with a hopeful glance.

  “Looking for anything in particular, Miss?” he asked.

  “I was just browsing for something for a friend of mine,” I replied, glancing around the high end store.

  “Well, take your time. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask.”

  I lifted one of the messenger bags of the hook and ran my hands over the faded brown leather. It was certainly miles above anything that Tad would ever buy himself. I put it back on the hook and ran my hands over the black one. It was much more professional than the faded brown, but it reminded me more of Bill than of Tad. I was deep in thought over the selection when I heard the salesman greet another customer coming into the store. I didn’t pay any attention as I moved over to a rack of less expensive stylish messenger bags in cloth.

  “Hey, Vera!” Lily’s voice burst into my mind, and I grabbed at the bag in surprise.

  “Oh…hi…Lily,” I replied, as I tried to slow my pulse to normal.

  “Did I scare you?” she asked too cheerfully.

  “A bit.”

  “Well, sorry—so who are you shopping for? I saw you looking at the leather ones.” She nodded over her head with a smirk that made my insides twist. “They are really nice…do you have a secret lover that none of us know about?”

  I froze at the way she said secret.

  “Lover?” I attempted to scoff, but it came out as a choke.

  “Who do you know that you would spend that much money on?”

  “My Godfather is a lawyer. I thought he might like to be a little less…ummm…lawerish with the, uh, briefcase!” I stumbled to explain myself, and then I saw the girl with the mermaid hair on the other side of the store, facing the wall.

  “Oh, that’s my friend—great hair, huh?” Lily commented as she noticed my interest.

  It took a lot out of me to not raise my eyebrows in cynicism.

  “It’s original…so, who is she?” I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me. I was glad to change the subject to something other than an expensive messenger bag that was none of her damn business. “Does she go to our school?” I pried, watching as she flipped a lock of flame-like hair.

  “Faye? Oh, no, she’s a bit older than us,” Lily bragged with a broad smile. “So, how’s your vacation going?”

  “Good?”

  “And anything good for Christmas?”

  My mind drifted to the dress, but I shook my head. I was starting to realize that this was Lily I was talking to; the Lily that hated me every other second of the day.

  “Oh, well, that stinks. I got an awesome Coach purse—so cute!” Lily replied, looking over her shoulder. The mermaid shook her head and Lily’s face turned red. “I should get going. Naria looks like she’s getting anxious.”

  “Alright…”

  “See you after vacation!” Lily began to walk away, and I turned back to the clothe messenger bags. I couldn’t resist purchasing the faded brown leather messenger for Tad, but I couldn’t do it with Lily spying on me. When I glanced over my shoulder the store was empty with the exception of the store clerk who was, from the sound of it, playing Angry Birds on his iPhone.

  I knew there was something odd about what had just happened. I questioned why the red-head hadn’t come to talk to me with Lily, and why Lily had followed me in the first place. I knew after I embarrassed her in Knightley’s class that she had it out for me, but had no ammo. Maybe that’s what she was looking for.

  Chapter 22

  It was times like these when I wished I could be the social butterfly that I used to be. Then I wouldn’t be driving with nowhere to go and no one to see. I had to be truthful, even as a social butterfly I had felt lonely. As the popular girl there wasn’t many people one could trust, and there was so much time taken up keeping up the false façade. Now it wasn’t that much different. The only difference was that I wasn’t popular anymore; I was practically invisible. Even as an invisible person I was still keeping up the façade that I didn’t care. I felt helpless; I didn’t wish to be back in my home town. I wanted to be in Amherst, but with things a bit different. At the moment that would never happen, so I kept driving with nowhere in mind. Before I knew it I had driven to Cambridge and was parking at the bookstore—the bookstore that I had met Tad in. I felt my stomach jumble into knots as I walked passed a car that was all too familiar.

  “Nice rims,” I commented to Tad, who was sitting with a latte, and a pen in one hand and hair in the other.

  He looked up with a smile as he leaned back in his chair. “Teachers’ bonus.”

  “Yet you still can’t afford to buy a better source of scholarly transportation,” I observed, kicking his bag in relief that no one else had thought of the same gift as I had.

  “Nah, this works just fine,” he said, putting his hands behind his head.

  I sat across from him and leaned forward. “You look like a loser carrying that piece of crap around.”

  “Most people don’t pay attention to my scholarly transportation,” Tad retorted, leaning forward as well.

  “Oh, I know. Jaz is too busy trying not to trip over her tongue.”

  “Why does she demand to be called Jaz?” Tad asked, rolling his eyes.

  “Jasmine is old school and she’s too cool for that.”

  “Ha, too cool for school?”

  “That’s lame,” I replied as I leaned away from him, heat flowing into my face.

  “Thanks,” he replied, looking back
down at the paper and tossing the pen onto it before continuing, “You remember Mark? The kid you scared by saying hi to a couple weeks ago?”

  “Yeah.”

  “This is his essay, and I don’t know how to get through to the kid. He’s missing every single point I wanted him to get.”

  “That’s why you look so frustrated? Maybe you’re looking at it all wrong,” I suggested, reaching across the table and turning the paper to me.

  “Well, you always seem to get what I am saying,” Tad said with a shrug.

  “That’s because you and I are so similar…we think the same,” I answered, staring at the paper, but not seeing.

  “I know that’s why we are so…that’s why this sucks…” he mumbled with a sigh.

  “Maybe he’s not wrong in the way he’s thinking, but he just has a different way of thinking? The teacher becomes the student?” I added before turning the paper back to Tad.

  “You’re too smart,” he commented, shaking his pen at me. “I think you may be right.”

  “What brought you here? I thought you said you didn’t come here anymore?”

  “I could say the same for you? I don’t know...I just ended up here. You wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls on Christmas, and I just kept thinking about you, and I wanted to get away and here I am—another place where all I see is you.”

  “I’m sorry…”I whispered as I looked down at my hands.

  “Would you do me a favor?” he asked, tilting my chin up with his index finger; I nodded my head. “Stop trying to save me from saving you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I want to see you and you want to see me because you know we both need that—just let it happen?” he insisted with a crooked smile, but the depth of his blue eyes showed that he was serious.

  “I don’t want to risk—”

  “We’re both adults here. I think we can see each other if we want.” Tad cut me off, shaking his head.

  “Tad, that’s not the way it is though. I’m your student and you’re my teacher and you could very well lose your job.”

  “Listen, I know the risks. If I know you need me I don’t care about them,” he snapped as his face reddened.

  “Well, you should,” I retorted crossing my arms. I wanted him to save me from myself, but how could I let him?

  “I miss you and it hurts me to know you’re all alone. What did you do on Christmas?” he asked, his jaw line tightening.

  I looked away. “I did stuff.”

  “Like what? Did you go see Kirsten?”

  “Kind of,” I replied.

  “Kind of? Wait—you didn’t go to work did you?” he asked, and when I didn’t answer, “That’s why you didn’t answer my texts?”

  “I was trying to stay distracted,” I defended myself.

  “My dad missed you; he thought maybe we would save him from Cathy again.”

  “I’m sorry. Can you wish him a late Merry Christmas for me?”

  “Yeah, he says the same,” Tad replied, his voice flat. It was the tone he reserved for students he was irritated with.

  “Don’t be mad at me…please?” I begged, my eyes washing over his stressed face.

  “I should have just come over.”

  “We’re together now?” I commented, smiling at him.

  “So you got tired of your e-reader?” he asked, getting up and tossing his coffee cup out.

  “Sometimes I like a book in my hands, I guess, but I don’t really have a room for a ton of them, so the e-reader is still good,” I replied, watching him as he came to sit back down.

  “You want to grade some papers for me?” he asked with a wink.

  “You’re an idiot!”

  “You said we think the same,” he hinted with a smirk. “You want something to eat or drink?”

  “I could go for a latte and a raspberry streusel.”

  “Nothing typical for you,” Tad laughed.

  I shrugged.

  “It’s snowing out,” Tad observed when he returned, nodding over my shoulder as he handed me my treats.

  “First one of the year—bet it’s going to be heavy. I didn’t watch the news,” I responded, looking out the window.

  Tad pulled out his iPhone before replying. “Yay for us. It’s supposed to be two inches an hour. We might get snowed in here if we don’t leave now.”

  “I think we’ll get snowed in even if we leave now. I got you something for Christmas. I want to give it to you before we go.”

  “Enjoy your food first. It’s not coming down too bad at the moment anyways,” Tad said, taking his seat.

  “How does the R32 drive in the snow?” I asked as I took a bite of the pastry.

  “It’s all wheel—tons of fun,” he teased with a smile.

  “Nice, I suppose you race people still?” I reprimanded, trying to keep my brain functioning against that smile.

  “Only people who think they can beat me, but I leave them in the dust before it could ever get dangerous,” he replied, watching my expression carefully; he knew I wouldn’t be happy.

  I crumbled up my napkin and flung it at his head. “For such a great teacher your head sure is empty.”

  “I’d like to open up the TDI on the highway,” he commented, rolling his eyes.

  “And I’d like you to stop acting like you’re invisible to cops.”

  He smiled waving his phone at me. “I have radar.”

  “Seriously, does your brain just magically disappear when a pretty car comes around?” I shook my head at him knowing that nothing I could say would change it.

  “I guess so and when pretty women come around, too.”

  “Women?” I repeated staring at the last piece of my pastry. I wasn’t hungry anymore, yet I felt utter emptiness.

  “Let me re-phrase that—when a pretty woman comes around,” he replied, leaning forward and taking my hands into his.

  “Thanks.”

  He leaned back in his chair. “So, did you come here for anything particular?”

  “I wanted another copy of Northanger Abbey. I must have lost it in the move, and I wanted to read it again,” I answered.

  “Tell me one thing, how many times have you read Miss Austen’s books?”

  “Kind Sir, I have indeed read them many times over, but they are an indulgence that I cannot and shall not give up for all of England,” I purred, watching his eyes lighten.

  “And who is your dearest character?” he inquired, leaning forward again. It felt as though we were moths dancing in the light of a fire.

  “Mr. Knightley,” I responded breathless.

  “I know I am quite charming,” he teased, tension building in his voice.

  “I adore Miss Austen’s Knightley, but adore my Knightley even more.”

  “I hear PBS even has a quiz online to see who your Austen man is,” Tad commented, and when I blushed, added, “You took it! And who is your man?”

  I stood and put my cup in the trash before leaning and whispering in his ear. “Why, Mr. Knightley, of course.”

  “Am I now?” he asked, and before I could react he pulled me into his lap.

  My heart was hammering against my rib cage, but I was still afraid of the fire. “Here maybe, but in the real world, no.”

  His race reddened as I stood and he ran his hand through his hair in agitation.

  “I guess we should get going?” he suggested through gritted teeth.

  “Tad, please don’t be mad.”

  “You don’t forget for a second do you?” he pushed.

  “How can I? I know if I do I could ruin your life forever,” I replied, shaking my head.

  “You could never do that,” he responded, his hand reaching for mine and pulling me back.

  “I never want to,” I whispered as I looked down at him.

  “I’ll follow you home and then go on to my house. I want to make sure you get there safe, it’s a long ride,” he said, shaking his head and releasing my hand.

  “Yeah, t
hanks,” I replied, and as I drove home with Tad just behind me my brain refused to work. I knew I should let it go, but I couldn’t. I loved him, and the world made it an insufferable pain. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from my rear view mirror, where I knew I would see his face. As I looked up I saw his car spin out behind me. I found myself slamming on my breaks and skittering sideways before coming to a stop. I rushed out my door and ran to his car, just inches away from the guard rail facing oncoming traffic—that is if there had been any one as dumb as us to be on the road in the middle of a Massachusetts snow storm.

  “Tad! Are you okay?” I shouted as my breath came out in agonizing puffs.

  “Let’s do it again!” he laughed as he rolled down his window.

  “You’re an ass, you know that?” I gasped, crossing my arms against the cold snow.

  “I thought I saw a bunny.”

  “Yeah, more like you wanted to see how well your ABS works,” I muttered.

  “Maybe…”

  “Can we just get home, please? You scared the living day lights out of me.”

  “Fine, fine. No more screwing around,” he replied with his eyes wide and his lower lip in a pout.

  “You didn’t do it on purpose did you?”

  “Not really. I do like my car in one piece,” Tad responded, his shoulders tight.

  “Good, because I like you in one piece,” I commented before turning back to my car.

  “Be careful, Vera, I have all wheel and still spun out.”

  “Lo-pros aren’t snow tires, eh?” I teased, unable to deny the playful tone in his voice.

  “Smart girl! Yours are?” Tad asked, leaning out the window as he looked at my car.

  “We live in Mass; of course I have snow tires,” I replied as I rolled my eyes.

  “Schooled again.”

  “Cars and guys don’t mix with brains.”

  “That’s why I have you to look out for me,” he retorted, leaning back into his car and winking.

  “Let’s get going,” I said as I swallowed against the sickening feeling rising in my stomach; it was happiness and sadness all at the same time. It felt so normal to be with him like this, but I had to remind myself that it wasn’t. This moment wouldn’t last forever. It hit me just as the icy air had and chilled me to my core.