by Ava Danielle
I never take my eyes off Daniel though. I’m pissed at him. But I still miss him, his touch, his smell… My feelings for him, they won’t go away. I’ve tried for a year. They’re still there, deep inside me. I can pretend all I want that I’m over him, wouldn’t make a difference. I haven’t dated since that horrid day. I haven’t even looked at any guys. But the way he looks at me still gives me the energy and confidence I need, that helps more than I would like to believe.
My eyes never leave his, but my body gets off the stand. I said what I had to say. It’s all up to everyone else now. Tears flow over my cheeks. I’m unsure if it’s because I’m relieved or because there’s nothing more that I can do to bring him to justice. Is this nightmare finally over?
I leave the courtroom, waiting for the recess to be over, for the jury to finally have their verdict. I sit on the bench with my head low. I don’t want to think. My lawyer is by my side, but that’s it. I have no family members beside me. I have no friends that would support me. I have no one, but Daniel is here.
“I’ll be right back,” my lawyer says before disappearing down the hall.
“Hey,” Daniel says as he sits next to me.
Pulling my black dress down, I look at him with a blank stare.
“How have you been?”
“Alive.”
“That’s good. You never replied,” he’s blunt.
But I just shake my head. Truth is, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know whether I should just run away, run from him and escape it all. Or if I should fall into his arms and apologize for everything. But instead, “Thank you,” I mumble.
“For what?”
“For the strength I just needed,” I can’t help but be honest with him.
“I told you then and I’ll tell you now, I’m always going to be there for you.”
He did promise that. And what did I do? Got pissed at him for doing his job. But it’s the lies I can’t get past. The fact he wasn’t there for me. The fact he was doing his job and didn’t trust in me.
“Sophia, you have to believe me when I tell you I didn’t intend to fall in love with you, but I did, and I can’t stop those feelings. I was doing my job. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I couldn’t jeopardize the case,” he lays it all out on a wooden bench in the hallway of a courthouse.
“Judge is back and would like everyone in the courtroom,” my lawyer interrupts us.
“I have to go,” I leave Daniel standing there, but he’s left me with a ton of emotions I’m trying to keep under control.
“We, the jury, find the defendant guilty,” is all I heard. I zoned out to anything else. I’m relieved. They understand. They see that he needs more than just a little doctor’s help. He needs to learn a lesson. He needs to pay for what he’s done.
“You should feel relieved,” my lawyer hugs me. I look at him confused. “I didn’t hear the rest, how long?” I ask him; seriously, I have no idea what they said. I was happy the fact he’s guilty at all.
“Ten years with parole,” he sighs.
“What?” This news is shocking and unnerving.
“It depends on his behavior.”
“Fuck his behavior, ten years isn’t long enough. He’ll act all innocent and sweet and be on the street, hunting me down, in two years. Fuck.” I shove my lawyer out of the way and leave the courtroom. I run out of the courthouse. I need air. I need to get away. This can’t be. Ten fucking years, that isn’t long enough for how he destroyed my life. He might as be walking out behind me.
“Sophia,” Daniel stops me, “breathe, baby, just breathe.”
But my tears are pouring down my face. I’m a blubbering mess.
“It was supposed to be more,” I cry.
Daniel holds me tight.
“I know, babe, I know.”
I fall into his arms. He holds me tight. And for the first time in the past years, I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulder. All my feelings are running rampant. I’m letting it all out. I’m giving it all away. And Daniel takes it all. All my pain, he takes it. All my loss, he takes it. All my hate, he takes it all from me.
I take a deep breath and move away from Daniel, slowly.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be.”
“What do I do now?”
“You go on with your life babe, you don’t let that affect you. And, let me protect you,” he adds.
“I can’t,” I still don’t fully trust him.
“Yes you can,” he tries to argue.
“No, you’ve hurt me. You lied to me. I can’t trust you to protect me when you’ve lied to me.”
“I did protect you. You put him away because of my work. Don’t you get that?”
“You could’ve told me Daniel, I would’ve pretended with you,” I put it all out there.
“I couldn’t take that chance.”
“You never gave me a chance and that’s exactly what I’m trying to say. I can’t give you your chance either.” I start to walk away.
“That’s it Sophia? Nothing else? You’re just going to walk away and pretend like we don’t have any feelings towards each other?” he yells after me. “Real smooth. You complain I lied to you, but you won’t give me the chance to explain. That’s real grown up.” I can hear the hurt in his voice.
“Oh, what do you know?” I yell back.
We’re having an argument for everyone leaving the courthouse to see. And I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I don’t care how I come across. I’m never coming back here.
Rain falls over this dark and dreary city. Every day, it fucking rains. How can anyone live with this? It’s sad and depressing outside, nothing like the Italian sun I’ve come to love. I had forgotten how sad life seems to be here. The weather can affect one’s mood. There’s no doubt about that.
“Would you like some coffee?” my mother’s maid asks me.
I shake my head no.
“Don’t be so rude, Sophia. At least have the courtesy to say yes or no,” my mother interrupts as she comes into the kitchen from the living room.
“Sorry, mother,” I say as I leave the kitchen.
The doorbell catches my attention. Completely forgetting this is my mother’s house and she has the maid answer, I unlock the door and open it. With my mother and the maid behind me, I look into his eyes. They’re drawing me in. They make me forget everything around me. But his eyes always have that effect on me.
“Daniel, what are you doing here?” I slide through the door and close it behind me before my mother has a chance to say anything.
“I had to see you,” he looks down, “can we talk?”
Unsure of what to say or do next, I’ll suggest sitting in his car to stay out of the rain. He obliges and helps me into his car and then runs to his side to get behind the wheel.
“Would you like to drive somewhere?”
“No.” I’m not sure about being trapped in a moving car with him. What if I have to run from him again?
“I’m sorry, Sophia. I’m truly sorry. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop missing you. I can’t stop wanting you, babe.”
He takes my hand and I let him. I let him caress my fingers with his. I let him give me his pleading look. Those beautiful brown eyes pout like a sad little puppy. I let him feel the silence I have felt for the last year. And I feel, I feel every single emotion in me. Everything I’ve held back is coming to the surface.
“What happened to us? What happened to our perfect version of us?” I stutter, as a tear rolls down my face. Daniel wipes it away in an instant.
“Babe, there can be a perfect version of us again.”
“No, there can’t. I’m going back to Italy this weekend. I won’t be back, Daniel. There’s nothing holding me here.”
“I’m here.”
“That’s not enough for me,” I honestly cannot stay here.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. Italy is my home, Daniel. It’
s always going to be home for me.”
He’s silent. His face shows his disappointment. He’s doesn’t try to hide it.
“I understand. I’ll come with you.”
Shocked I stare at him.
“That’s crazy. Your work is here.”
His finger caresses my cheeks, “I can work from anywhere babe. I want… No, need to be with you.”
Before I could utter any words, his lips were pressed against mine. His gentle lips I’ve so longed for, his touch that ignites a burning inferno inside me. He’s taking all my pain from me along with my breath, my thoughts, and my sorrows. He takes me to another world, with just one, single, kiss.
The next day, after spending hours in the car, talking, we agreed to give it a try. He’s going to go to Italy with me and we’ll see how things work out. Once again, he found a way to be on my flight. I’ll never know how he does it? I’m unsure if this is a good decision, he did lie to me, after all. But there’s a part of me, that can’t let him go. I tried. I really tried, but it hurt. It’s been a long time and yet he’s always been on my mind. He hasn’t left my heart. I haven’t even acknowledged other men because of him. Maybe that’s a sign. And, it appears he couldn’t let me go either. Maybe we are meant to be?
“You sure about this?” I ask him.
“Never been more sure of anything,” he kisses my cheek as we load our bags the taxi.
“I could’ve taken you guys to the airport,” my father whimpers as hugs me.
“That’s okay dad, we’re grown up,” I kid around.
“We’re going to miss you,” my mother fails to sound convincing.
“Bye everyone,” I say as we get in the cab.
I close the door and wave through the foggy window. “Finally,” I huff and lean my head on Daniel’s shoulder.
“It wasn’t that bad,” he tries to make me feel better.
“Sure. Next stop, sunshine,” I close my eyes and slide down to take a nap in Daniel’s lap.
– ### –
After hours of flying, which felt more like weeks, we finally make it back to Italy. Home sweet home. I don’t plan to go back to the states for a long while, either. I’ve made myself a great home here.
Daniel throws our bags on the floor next to my front door and makes himself comfortable on my couch.
“Come join me,” he pats the seat next to him.
I hesitate. Seeing him in my apartment has made me question some things. I’m anxious to know what he’s planning on doing now. And I also wonder if I really can trust him. What other secrets is he hiding? And in the back of my mind, I’m paranoid he might be in on some sort of plan with Ryan. It’s silly, I know, but I don’t fully trust him yet. I hope I will, I really want to, but only time will tell.
“So what will you be doing here?” I’m genuinely concerned about his job.
“How about we get over this jetlag and we’ll go from there?”
I just agree, for now, and make myself comfortable on the couch. A nap does sound pretty good at the moment.
– ### –
Hours have passed; I wake to the two of us twisted into one on my tiny couch. It seems to be dark outside. But I hear noises, laughter, and talking, so it can’t be too late. I turn my arm to look at my watch and notice it’s only eleven. My moving wakes Daniel and he grabs a hold of me.
“Don’t leave me,” he whispers.
“You’re on my couch, babe, I’m not going anywhere,” I reply.
“Good, I love you.”
I’m not sure if he’s awake, his eyes are closed, and he’s mumbling, so it could be that he’s dreaming. I’m a bit taken by his words. I can’t say them, yet. I’m not at that point. Yeah, I’ve missed him, I do care for him a lot, and I guess I do love him since I couldn’t stop thinking about him the past year. But when I say those words, I’ll have to be a hundred percent sure. I’m not, though, so saying those words might destroy everything we’re trying to build up.
I try to pretend I didn’t hear him as I make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. Suddenly I’m feeling rather hungry. I stare out of the window watching all the commotion at the local restaurant. Candlelight dinners, and then I see him, my mandolin man. I hear his strumming, it’s a sound I’ve missed and longed for over this past week. It always reminds me of the time Daniel and I danced in the street. Mandolin man could be the reason I couldn’t get Daniel out of my mind, why he was embedded into my brain. Every time he would start playing, I would be taken back to that day he dipped me with no care in the world. We didn’t even know each other then. I take that back, I didn’t know him then, clearly, he knew me.
While memories are floating through my mind, I feel arms wrap around me.
“I love that sound,” he whispers into my ear as he places a soft kiss on my earlobe.
“Me too. It reminds me of the time we danced in the street,” I admit.
“Babe, I know you won’t believe me when I say this, but I fell in love with you that day. I know you’re not ready to say those words, but I fell hard. One look at you, and I was done. No one else mattered. No one else will ever matter. At that moment, I didn’t just want to protect you for my job. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to get to know you more. I wasn’t expecting it at all, but look at you. Your confidence, the way you present yourself, your smile, your beautiful eyes, they suck me in. I fell for you, hard.”
I listen to his words. I take them in. And, as much as I want to say those words, they will come at a time they mean most to me. I turn around and hug him tight. I let him know with my embrace that I do care. I’m just not ready to say those three little words aloud. I know he understands! That, alone, makes this all so much easier.
“You’re my personal bodyguard,” I poke his belly as I make my way out of his hold to take another drink.
“I’ll be your anything you want,” he places a soft kiss on my lips. “We should get something to eat. You hungry too?”
“Starving!”
After eating some frozen pizza, we managed to throw into the oven, we decide to call it a day and fall into bed.
“Daniel, I need to ask you something.”
“Anything baby,” he leans onto his side and watches me stare at the ceiling.
“If it hadn’t been for this job, hell if it hadn’t been for Ryan, we would’ve never met,” I take a deep breath.
“Probably not.”
“I have Ryan to thank for that,” I sigh.
“Don’t look at it that way, babe. It’s love made in Italy. Italy brought us together. I couldn’t stay away from you. If I had been a student and seen you, I still would’ve approached you. It’s you I wanted. It wasn’t the job making sure you’re okay. It wasn’t Ryan that made sure I fell for you. No, it was you. You and I are together because we were drawn to each other. I looked at you the same way you looked at me.”
“Daniel,” I say, gazing into his eyes.
This is the moment. This is the time I tell him that I have fallen in love with him. A couple of hours ago I wasn’t sure, and I’m not sure where our relationship will go, but I am willing to see. In order to see where this goes, I have to put my feelings out there. I have to let him know, otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair.
“Yes, baby,” I see hope and desire in his eyes.
“I love you, too.”
“You don’t have to say it because I did, I’ll wait as long as you need me to,” he reassures me.
“I’m not. I’m telling you because that is exactly how I feel. If I don’t say it, if I don’t tell you how I feel, then there will never be a chance at a real relationship. But we need to promise each other something, Daniel.”
“What’s that?”
“To be honest. Always. From here on out, we do this together.”
Daniel leans in and kisses me. It’s a passionate kiss with a promise, a promise to be loved, and a promise to love. It’s a long kiss. Our tongues are dancing, our breath hitching at the exact same time. We’re in
this moment together.
Our lips part and I take a deep breath and think, long and hard, about the next question I’m about to ask him. I don’t want to ruin anything before it starts or cause a fight, but I need all the answers before I can go any further.
“Did you really lose my number?”
He looks confused, “When?”
“When we met back up after months of not hearing from you back in Seattle, you said you’d lost my number, was that true?”
Daniel sits up and rubs through his hair. This scares me. When he does that, he gets nervous, as if he’s trying to come up with the best answer that will least hurt me.
“I love you babe, remember that. I did lie. I didn’t lose your number. I was scared. I was scared I couldn’t protect you so I had to stay away. When you went back home to your sister’s wedding, I was nervous as to what would happen. I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t. Once I saw Ryan come to you, I knew I needed to be close. But once I was close to you again, all those feelings became stronger. I didn’t want to stay away. I didn’t want to let you go. Not again. That’s when I knew I needed to be there for you completely. Our first time together in bed, sweetheart, believe me when I say that was magical and I never wanted to leave.”
“Did you regret it?”
“Regret sleeping with you? Fuck no. In my letters I explained it all.”
“I told you I didn’t open them.”
“I understand,” he says looking a bit sad about that part.
I won’t tell him I kept them, all of them. I don’t know why I did, but they are in my nightstand. Maybe one day I’ll read them.
“Hi, my name is Sophia Chadwell and your name is?”
Daniel looks extremely confused and smiles. “We’re going to do this in bed? Do you always take strangers to bed?”
I slap Daniel, “No, but for your information, I’d like to start from the beginning with you.”
“My name is Daniel Keller and you’re a delight in bed and I can’t get enough of your lips,” he chuckles as he leans in and kisses me again.