She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Hello! You and dreamy eyes sleeping out all night?”
“Oh, that.”
“Yes, that.”
“Well I—”
“Amy?” Byron interrupted us and we froze. I peered past Holly’s shoulder and saw him coming toward us.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I hope he didn’t hear me!” Holly whispered. She looked mortified.
I tried to keep a straight face as Holly patted my arm and I walked past her.
“Are you coming out for lunch?” Byron asked when I met up with him. The uncertainty in his eyes and posture prodded me. I instantly felt bad for neglecting him and reached for his hand. He brought our intertwined fingers up and kissed them. “Are you okay?” Byron said quietly.
Anxiety, remorse, and guilt were bleeding me. This whiplash of emotions was starting to take its toll. I stood there unsure of what to say. Byron always could sense when something wasn’t right. But everything would be fine once home. I was only tired and busy, and my emotions were all over the place. I tried to push Caleb from my mind and squeezed Byron’s hand. “I’m sorry. I’m fine, really. I just feel a little overwhelmed with everything here.” Byron nodded but he still seemed uncertain and I wanted to reassure him. “Why don’t we get us some lunch and take it down by the lake? I could use a break,” I said, stepping closer and wrapping my arms around him. Byron held me, and I was about to tell him there was nothing to worry about, but Caleb strode through the front door with Simon and I choked on the reassuring words.
The handsome duo stopped when they saw us. Simon smirked but Caleb’s face fell for a second before he replaced the short-lived grimace with an unreadable expression.
“Byron?” Simon called.
Byron turned around.
“Can I get your help outside again after you eat?” Simon asked.
Byron nodded and turned to me, disappointment filling his eyes. “Rain check, I guess?”
“Sure.” I tried to smile even though I didn’t feel it. I did want to have some alone time with him. If anything, to keep myself in check.
Byron leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Why don’t you take your lunch down to the lake anyway and have some time to yourself?”
I smiled at his thoughtfulness and held the side of his face. “That does sound nice, but I’ll sit with you while you eat first.” I avoided looking at Caleb as I turned and pulled Byron along with me. Guilt hit me again as we walked away from Caleb, though it wasn’t justified. Byron was my boyfriend and he was who I had to be loyal to.
I was sitting on my towel near the water and finishing up my lunch. The air was warmer than the day before and I was glad because I had every intention of going for a swim. I looked up and watched three ducks land in the water a short distance from me. I tossed a piece of my crescent roll out to them. The ducks swam closer and I tossed another. The smallest duck reached for it, but the largest duck snapped at it and took the bread away. I tsked, shaking my head and stood to get closer to the small duck. I waved at the bigger one. “Go on, shoo, you little bully. Go on.” I tossed the bread as close to the small bird as I could get and smiled in triumph when it gulped the bread down. “There you go. Now get out of my swimming spot, shoo.” I waved at them again, but they swam closer to me. “No, go on. I’m all out of bread.” I heard a familiar chuckle and looked over my shoulder. Caleb had his arms folded, leaning against a tree. My heart skipped when I saw him and those emotions which were barely tamped down came barreling to the surface as if they’d never left. I waved. “Keep it light, keep it friendly,” I muttered to myself. “What are you doing out here?” I asked.
Caleb shrugged. “Enjoying the view.”
I smiled and looked back at the quacking trio. They were near the shore now and I didn't want them any closer to me, so I wandered over to Caleb.
“How was your lunch?” he asked. “Or did you give it all to the birds?”
I laughed. “I wasn’t that charitable. My lunch was nice.” I didn’t look at him yet. I was afraid I would get too caught up again, so I prattled on. “It’s definitely warmer this afternoon than it was this morning. How did it go? Did you guys finish up with whatever you were doing?” I asked, looking over at the lodge. I wondered if Byron would come out to meet me.
“Uh-huh.”
I laughed once at his short answer and finally laid my eyes on him. He had a dazed smile and I could only assume he liked my swimming attire. Damn that man. Why did he have to look at me like that? I wanted to squirm against the warm tingle running down my spine. I gave him a few more seconds before clearing my throat. His smile turned into a rare, bashful one and his gaze dropped.
“I’d say I’m sorry but...” He looked at me from under his lashes. “I haven’t seen you like this since Thursday and that was from pretty far away.”
I gasped and shoved playfully at his shoulder. “I knew it! I knew you were watching me but when I tried to find you, you were—” I stopped, seeing him raise his eyebrows pointedly, and realized I’d given myself away. “Gone,” I finished.
Caleb’s head tilted to the side as he scrutinized me. “You followed me, huh? After avoiding me all that time, and then you couldn’t catch me. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?”
He was right; it was ironic. But not just following him the other day. It was ironic how I had spent years pining away, wishing and hoping to see him again; to hear all the things I’d imagined him saying to me, and then I avoided him. Standing here with Caleb, looking into his ice blue eyes, tamping down the emotions I was, I couldn't remember why. Maybe I was afraid, fearful I would want him and be left with nothing in return. Is that where I was headed? Was this happening to me again?
My chest rose and fell with each heavy breath and I thought about those weeks after we went home that summer. I’d never felt a loss so deep in my life as when I parted from Caleb; he was just gone. The only problem was...he didn't reciprocate. He seemed to care for me, as much as one would care for a friend, but beyond that, he wouldn't let himself. Maybe I didn't have closure. Is that what I was feeling? I kept pushing away any fondness toward him but maybe it was my heart’s devotion from the past. Either way, the point was moot. He didn't want me the same way.
Caleb’s eyes grew concerned when I didn't reply. He reached out and wiped at my cheek with his knuckle.
I wiped hurriedly at the silent tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“What’s wrong, Amy?” he whispered.
My chin quivered and I kept my face down. I didn't know what to say. There really was nothing to say. I’ve wanted you forever, but it doesn’t matter because I’m with someone and you won’t let yourself get attached. I sighed and shook my head, thinking of an excuse for the traitorous tears. I brought up the first thing that came to mind. “I was just thinking about poor Sparkle again,” I said, looking out at the lake.
Caleb’s silence only proved he didn’t believe my lies. He spared me by not pressing me further. “Maybe you can make it up to me.”
I heard mischief in his voice and when I looked at him, I was right. He had that wicked grin of his, and there was that darn dimple again. I shook my head. “I told you, you can’t say stuff like that to me!”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll sit here smiling at you until you can’t resist this any longer.” He tapped his dimple with the tip of his finger.
I folded my arms and scowled. “I didn't tell you that so you could torture me with it.”
Caleb raised an eyebrow. “Torture, huh? I’ll make sure and walk around the rest of the day with a smile plastered on my face just for you and no one will be any the wiser.”
I snorted and laughed. “You can’t walk around like that. Everyone will think you’re crazy!”
“Or drunk.”
I laughed again and covered the back of my neck, feeling the sun beating down on it. “Alright, I either need to get dressed or wet because I’m way too hot.”
Caleb smiled once more, and I turned my back on
him as I walked to the edge of the water. I was about to take a step in when I felt a shove and went flying into the water with a splash. The cool water felt good and I lingered underneath the surface until I needed more air. Caleb was standing on shore laughing. I meant to glare at him, but I was distracted by his smile; he really was so hot.
“Enjoy your swim,” he called.
“I will. Where are you headed?” I asked as he turned in the opposite direction of the lodge.
He paused, seeming reluctant to answer. “I’m going to go look for Sparkle.” He shrugged. “I miss her more than I thought I would.” My face fell and I was about to apologize again but he held up his hand. “Don’t. It was an accident. I only told you so you don’t think I’m out here lurking around in the trees.” He grinned and winked. “But I would never do that.”
I grinned.
“I’ll see you later,” he said and disappeared through the trees.
My heart constricted as I watched him walk away. I was not supposed to miss him.
Six Years Earlier…
“There you are. I need to talk to you,” I said to Katie, when I found her near the kayaks by the lake.
“About what?” she said carefully.
I hesitated, wondering if I should bring up Caleb again. She seemed annoyed with me whenever she saw Caleb and me together. Katie was the one person I could always count on, though. “I just…” I paused. “I’m not sure what to do. How to prepare myself to say goodbye to Caleb tomorrow. I miss him already and he’s not even gone yet. What do you do when it comes time to say goodbye to Simon?”
Katie was instantly guarded, and I wished I hadn’t brought it up. I ‘d never seen her like this before and didn't know how to handle this side of Katie.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Amy,” Katie shrugged. “It’s not really the same thing, is it?”
My head shot back at her harsh tone. “What is the matter with you?”
She looked out over the water and sighed, “Nothing, I’m sorry. I think I’m anxious about leaving him already.”
My heart went out to her. “We still have a little time, Katie. Enjoy it while we’re here,” I said, trying to make her feel better.
Katie spun around to face me. “I’m trying. But it doesn’t help with you and Caleb all over each other,” she snapped.
“What? We’re not!”
“Yes, you are! With you holding hands and staring at each other all the time!” Katie was full on yelling now; she’d never treated me like this before.
I stood there glaring at her. “Are you kidding me! You’re always going on and on about Simon! You stare at him and flirt with him and I’ve had to listen to it for years! Why don’t you tell him already and put us all out of our misery!”
Katie’s face broke. I had crossed the line and I knew it, but I was too upset to take it back.
“I can’t. There’s no point, you know that. I don’t even know if he feels the same way,” Katie choked out.
I opened my mouth but held back my words. Simon would kill me if I told her how he felt.
“You have no idea what it’s like.” Katie’s voice was still angry. She sniffed and turned away.
“I have some idea. At least you’ll see him again. Caleb will just be gone.”
Katie turned around slowly and glared. “Are you seriously trying to compare the way I feel, the way I have felt all my life about Simon, to you knowing some guy for five minutes?”
“No, I’m only saying—”
“Get out of here. Leave me alone.” Katie stomped over to a big rock and sat down with her back to me.
She made me feel like an idiot. And while it may have seemed like nothing to Katie, she was wrong. I’d never felt like this before, and now that I had it and was about to lose it…I felt like I was going to go crazy.
“Fine, I see how it is.” I turned on my heel and went to find Caleb, but when my mom informed me the men weren’t back yet, I trekked to the waterfall on my own.
I sat on my towel and tried to shut my mind off. I watched the water pour into the pool, and the few clouds drift by, but otherwise there wasn’t much distraction to be had.
My thoughts inevitably found their way back to Katie. Every year when we went home and she had a hard time, I was there for her. I had a list of things I did to distract her: her favorite movies, food, and treats. Whatever she needed, I was there for her, and now she pushed me aside like I didn’t matter.
I sighed and stood, walking into the water. Caleb was on my mind now. He had left a couple of hours ago with the other men and I missed him already. I took a deep breath, lowering myself under the water, and didn't come up until I was on the other side of the fall. Thinking about Caleb leaning against the wall, I grinned. He was so handsome when I saw him for the first time, but now that I knew how great he was, it only added to his appeal. I closed my eyes and remembered his wet lips on mine, his hands on my face.
After a few minutes of missing Caleb even more, I shivered in the shade and headed underneath the water again to lie out in the sun. When I submerged, I didn't pay much attention to how close I was to the fall. Suddenly the pressure from the water grew stronger, and I was being pulled down and to the side. I kicked harder and moved my arms as fast as I could. My hand came out of the water, but I was pulled down again and struggled to keep myself from being taken in completely. My lungs were burning for air and I was losing what strength I had to keep fighting. Panic struck up one last burst of energy which helped me fight to the surface, and I saw Caleb’s distressed face on the shore. I plunged, inhaling water before I was able to cut off my airflow. Only seconds later, Caleb’s hand came around my wrist and I was dragged to the side. My lungs were on fire and I couldn't suppress the coughing as Caleb carried me out of the water. He settled onto a towel with me onto his lap. He said something but I couldn't hear him over my coughing fit.
I laid my head on his shoulder. My coughing ceased enough to croak, “Thank you.” I coughed again.
“What the hell were you doing here by yourself?” His voice was a little harsh but dripping with concern.
“I know. I swam too close to the fall and it just sucked me in.” Huh, story of my life right now, I guess. The process was the same with Caleb; I got too close and he had sucked me in.
“You really scared me,” Caleb said, rubbing my back.
I looked up, guilty. He did look upset. I ran my hand through his damp hair. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He seemed frustrated. I watched concern, anger, and something else pass over his eyes. “Don’t scare me like that again, please.”
I nodded and settled against his shoulder once more. He was so confusing. He seemed to care for me, yet he wouldn't cop to it. “Did you have a good time with the guys?” I asked as I touched his collar bone.
He shrugged. “I much rather would’ve stayed with you.” He eyed me. “But don’t tell Simon I told you that.”
“Another secret,” I said.
He smiled. “How about you? Other than almost drowning,” he added . “What did you do?” His voice lightened and he looked up at the trees above the waterfall.
I thought about Katie and sighed. “Nothing really.”
He didn’t let that slide. “What is it?”
I didn’t know what to tell him. My feelings for him ran deep and I wanted to spend this last night with him without scaring him off. Caleb’s hand came under my chin as he waited for an answer, but I remained silent.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Amy?”
I swallowed. “I’m going to miss you when you’re gone.”
His eyes flickered with emotion, but it was gone as quickly as it came. He replaced the reaction with a little smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll miss you too.”
He let me down again, but I forced my lips up. “You mean you'll miss me coming onto you?” I teased.
Caleb laughed. “You bet I’ll miss that.”
&nb
sp; I hid my face in his neck and kissed it. At least I had one more night.
CHAPTER 17
I floated on my tube, lost in a staring trance as I relived that memory. I wanted nothing more than for Caleb to tell me that he would miss me, think of me, anything—but he didn't.
I saw Caleb about a half an hour after he left to search for his beloved dog. I waved from the tube. “No luck?” I hollered.
Caleb shook his head and took off his shoes as he came closer to the water.
“No. I saw her footprints and followed them. I whistled for her but…” He shrugged with a disappointed look.
I felt guilty again for losing her but knew he was sick of hearing my apologies. “Get your mind off it.” I pointed to the spare tube on shore and paddled my hands to get closer. “Come on. I’ll even pull you in.”
Caleb laughed. “I think I will. But I’m sure it’s not as cold as it was that night.”
“Or the night after,” I mumbled.
Caleb raised an eyebrow at me but said nothing. My stomach jolted with that smile of his and I nearly groaned. Adding to my tortured pleasure, Caleb removed his shirt and I gripped the handles of my tube tighter. Caleb neatly folded his shirt, setting it on my towel, and took off his watch next. He picked up the tube and placed it to where it barely reached the water before laying on top. “Hey, girl. I’m ready. Come on.” He beckoned me with a wave, laid back with his eyes closed, and grinned.
“I was joking!” I protested. “I could barely help you in, back then. And you’re a man now; I could never pull you.”
Caleb bellowed a laugh as he rocked his tube until he was floating, then paddled out to me. He reached for my handle and laid back again with his eyes shut. “There, I did the hard part. Now paddle.”
“No woman this time?” I teased.
Caleb squinted an eye open at me and smiled. He closed it again. “This is pretty relaxing out here, isn’t it?”
I laid my head back and closed my eyes as well. “Mhmm. I miss this.”
“Me too.”
“Before the other day, I hadn't been out on the lake since last year, with James.” I cringed after mentioning my ex-boyfriend and hoped that Caleb didn't pick up on that.
It Was Always You Page 14