It Was Always You

by Natalie R Allen

  I caught Caleb’s eyes on me, more than once, and found myself returning his gaze. I thought about the things he had said in his speech and wondered if Katie and Simon really knew the impact they had had on Caleb. I had no doubt they were the reason for his change of heart and made a mental note to tell Katie about it.

  The microphone sounded again, and my mom announced it was time for the bride and groom to have their first dance as husband and wife. Simon escorted Katie to the dance floor and left her there for a moment as he stood in front of the microphone.

  “Have you all seen how beautiful my wife is tonight?” He smiled at a blushing Katie, as the guests cheered and whistled. “I want to thank whoever is running the music, but I have my own song for Kate tonight.” Simon walked over to the person at the stereo equipment and spoke with them briefly before heading back to Katie. She grinned at him, looking as curious as the rest of us. He took her into his arms as Bryan Adams came over the speakers, serenading us with “Everything I do.” Katie’s smile turned soft and they began to sway slowly to the music. The song was a little old-school, but it seemed to mean a lot to Katie by the looks of her.

  I watched the two of them for a moment and looked at the others around my table. Parker was talking quietly with Byron about working at the shop, and Olivia was telling Bryce a story about her husband. Across the table were Caleb’s watchful eyes. He stared openly at me and I glanced around at the table, but nobody was paying attention. I rested back in my chair and settled my sights on his handsome face again. His eyes were soft but after a moment they changed to something else. The change was subtle and the only word I could think of to describe it was, longing. He was looking at me with longing. I knew I couldn’t be right, but for a moment, I let my walls down.

  I thought about him from the past, the moments we shared, the despair I felt when we parted. Seeing him for the first time the other night, the hammock, the lake, everything. I replayed it all, and the longing I felt before was now desire, need. I needed the man in front of me, but he was something I could never have.

  Caleb’s head tilted to the side. “You okay?” he mouthed.

  I didn’t deny it, shaking my head slightly.

  “Is my brother not the sweetest?” Olivia poked my arm and gestured at the dancing duo.

  Simon’s lips were moving, and though I couldn’t hear him, he was clearly singing the words to Katie. As sweet as it was, I could hardly enjoy it with the way I felt.

  Jealousy flowed through me, and I couldn’t stop it. It ate away at me, making me angry. I was angry at myself, at Caleb, at Byron. The thought of going back to normal life with Byron filled me with dread. As great as he was, he wasn’t Caleb. I had loved Caleb for so long, and as many times as I had tried to move on, to make it work with others, I always came back to Caleb. And in that moment, I hated him for it.

  Applause sounded when the dance was over, opening the floor to any with the desire to dance the night away. I let out the breath I’d been holding and glared at Caleb. His eyes widened in surprise and then concern. The expression on my face couldn’t have been pleasant if it reflected how vexed I was inside.

  “How about it? Should we take a turn?” Byron’s arm came around my shoulders.

  I grit my teeth and looked from Caleb to Byron. I don’t know what came over me, but I wanted Caleb to feel as bad as I did, and I had an inkling this would get a rise out of him. “I’d love to.” I took Bryon’s face between my hands and kissed him full on the mouth. I kissed him again and again until Parker’s “Get a room!” comment made Byron pull away. He smiled at me and I did my best to return it. Byron stood then, and while his eyes were off me, I glanced at Caleb. His jaw clenched and he had an unsettled look in his eyes. Byron pulled my chair out for me and I felt victorious…until Caleb spoke.

  “Hey, girl, would you like to dance with me?”

  My stomach flipped, but when my head snapped in his direction, his incredibly charming smile was directed at Olivia; his hand was stretched out to her.

  If I thought I was jealous a few minutes ago, it was nothing compared to the way I felt now.

  Six Years Earlier…

  I didn’t want to sleep, but I was warm and comfortable with Caleb, so it was inevitable. The fire had finally died, and the others were all asleep in their sleeping bags. I closed my eyes briefly but soon fell asleep. When I woke, Caleb was stroking my cheek with his thumb. Still a bit dark out, but I could see he looked tired. He had a peculiar expression on his face, and I wished he would tell me what it meant.

  Caleb swallowed and replaced the look with a bit of a smile. “You really are a gorgeous girl, Amy.”

  I reached for his face. “So are you.”

  Caleb chuckled silently.

  “You know what I mean,” I said.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  My brows furrowed. “For what?”

  “Come on.” Caleb got up and I followed as quietly as I could. He held his hand out for me and as I took it, I glanced back and caught Katie’s sad expression as she watched us disappear through the trees. How strange that we were jealous of each other. She was jealous of Caleb’s and my closeness, while I was jealous that her man loved her.

  I shivered as we walked through the trees. Caleb put his arm around me, and I huddled as close as I could with us walking. “Where do you think you’re taking me? You don’t know your way around here.”

  Caleb looked down at me and smiled. “I want to show you something I heard about. I hope they’re really there.”

  “They?” I said curiously.

  We walked for another ten minutes or so when Caleb slowed our pace. He warned me to keep quiet with a finger pressed to his lips. I nodded my understanding and we ducked under a few trees. Caleb stopped abruptly. He gestured with his head for me to have a look. I took a step to the side and saw a small clearing surrounded by pine trees. Bedded down in the grass were at least fifty turkeys. I looked from them to Caleb and grinned when I saw his smile. He seemed completely fascinated by the picture in front of us, while I was fascinated by the picture in front of me. The happiness on Caleb’s face in that moment was so genuine; I wanted it to stay forever. He deserved a happy life after what he’s been through with his mom. My throat ached and I swallowed. I wanted to see all his happy moments, and not just the happy ones. I wanted to see all the moments of his life; to share them with him, and be with him. I suddenly had a surge of jealousy come on so strong and I wasn’t even sure why. Only that I wanted to be with him, and I hated how I couldn’t be.

  I looked back at the turkeys, trying to enjoy the moment with him, but I couldn’t. I had ruined it for myself, and I doubted I would get it back. Caleb squeezed my hand and glanced my way, but I kept my face forward.

  Caleb leaned in. “You okay?” he whispered into my ear.

  I closed my eyes and held my breath. I wanted him closer more than anything, but I also wanted to shove him away. Why did he have to be so great? Why did he make me feel like this? Caleb’s hand turned my face to him, but I stared at his chest.

  “I’m sorry,” Caleb said. I found his eyes again, soft with understanding. “You knew this was coming, Amy,” he said gently. “We both knew today would come.”

  Silent tears dripped off my chin as I nodded. Caleb moved in slowly for a kiss, but I shook my head. “I can’t,” I whispered. “It will just hurt that much more, later.”

  Present Day

  I tried to push the jealousy away. Surely, I wasn’t the only one Caleb said hey girl to, but I’d never heard it except when it was directed at me, and it frustrated me to no end. Caleb’s eyes flickered to me and back to Olivia. He must have achieved what he sought out to do because his smile turned smug.

  I let Byron pull me away from the man I loved, and his arms came around me on the dance floor. I took a few breaths and focused on Byron’s face. He seemed content in my arms and I wished I could reciprocate.

  “How was your day? I didn’t see you after lunch,” Byro
n said.

  I thought about my lake time with Caleb and the breakdown after; bliss and misery all in one afternoon. “It was fine. I enjoyed the lake and then helped Katie get ready. How about you? How was your day?”

  My eyes wandered. I saw Holly and Bryce dancing not far from us, and it took no time at all to find Olivia in Caleb’s arms. She was talking and he nodded, but his eyes were locked with mine. I nodded as Byron spoke and he pulled me close enough that I was free to gaze into the blue eyes I would never be able to let go of.

  My vision blurred from unshed tears. I would never be able to let him go. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in years and still, I wasn’t over him. I swallowed, and worked on breathing evenly, but the look in Caleb’s eyes was going to drive me mad. I was reminded of the night we jumped from the cliff and the look he gave me before I gave in to him. He was giving me that look again. I could see a fire in them that I hadn’t seen for a long time, and it was all I could do to keep myself from going to him.

  This is not right; this is not fair. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Guilt and doubt were creeping up on me and I closed my eyes. You have a boyfriend, a good man in your arms. Stop this.

  “Do you mind if I dance with my daughter?” My dad’s voice was close, and Byron stepped away to let my dad in.

  “Not at all,” Byron said and walked back to the table.

  Dad took my hand and held it out with another hand at my back. He smiled down at me, but his face fell when I met his eye.

  “Are you okay?” His voice was filled with fatherly concern.

  I tried to reassure him ,but I couldn’t. I shook my head. “No, I’m not. But I don’t want to get into it right now or I’ll be a mess.” I begged him with my eyes to let it go.

  “Has that guy been treating you badly?” He looked over at Byron and narrowed his eyes. Byron’s eyes widened as he was taking a drink. He choked and coughed it out.

  “Byron is great, Dad. Too great, really. It’s not him.”

  “Amy, you’re too young to have this sad look on your face. Whatever it is must be pretty heavy.”

  I shook my head, my stomach twisting. “Dad, please. I can’t talk about it.” I felt sick, worn out. The emotional stress was wearing me down. “I feel a little sick. Do you mind if I sit down?” I asked.

  Dad escorted me to the now empty table, and I was grateful to be alone. I found Caleb and Olivia again as the song was about to end, but I still cringed and looked away. I leaned my elbows on the table and rested my face in my hands. I wanted to be done for the night. I wanted to turn back time to last night, to the hammock. I wanted the sound of Caleb’s voice and the comfort of his arms around me. I wanted him, more than I ever had.

  Fate took pity one me.

  CHAPTER 21

  “Hey, girl.” Caleb’s breath was in my ear. “It’s my turn.”

  My stomach twisted again. I took a breath and met his regretful gaze.

  “Come on,” he said softly, pulling my chair out. He led me to the dance floor and placed a hand on my lower back. I put my right hand on his shoulder and my other hand in his. My heart was racing at being in his arms.

  A new song began and even in my current emotional chaos, I smiled at the irony. Ed Sheeran’s “Kiss Me” began. I looked at Caleb as a slow half-smile crept up on his face. “How about that?” he murmured.

  “Yeah, how about that,” I whispered.

  Caleb pulled me closer and our bodies touched. I worried briefly about what everyone would think, but decided I didn’t care. If I pulled myself away from him, it might kill me, and nobody wants that at a wedding. So, I let myself get a little closer.

  “You did well with your speech. I completely forgot about it,” I said.

  Caleb chuckled. “So did I.”

  “Really? You did well enough that nobody would know.”

  “I just told the truth.” He shrugged under my hand. “They are half the reason I changed my views.”

  I nodded, listening to the sound of his deep voice. His eyes were soft and serious as we swayed, and the silence between us turned up the volume of the song. My heart was running at a pace I couldn’t keep up with. The emotions I had paused were working their way to the surface again, and I wasn’t sure if I could hold them back this time. Caleb could see the change in me and he rubbed my back.

  “What’s going through that head of yours, Amy?” he whispered. His eyes were fastened to mine, searching for the answers I wasn’t going to give. He frowned ever so slightly and pulled me closer, the sides of our faces almost touching. I closed my eyes, my throat throbbing, and as if being this close wasn’t torture enough, Caleb’s voice was in my ear and the words of the song flowed through his whispering lips. I whimpered and squeezed his hand, trying to keep it together.

  “Amy,” Caleb whispered with an unsteady voice.

  The way I felt was going to do me in. I couldn’t handle it, emotionally or physically. I couldn’t handle it. My hands started to tremble, and I gripped the front of his jacket to steady myself.

  Caleb's whisper continued against my ear. “I know you have Byron. I know you aren’t free, but I want you to know that if you ever change your mind…I’ll be here.”

  I froze. I couldn’t move; I couldn’t speak or think. I just stood there. Was he toying with me, flirting with me again? How many times had I asked him to stop?

  “I’m not trying to push you. Byron is a friend but—”

  I pulled back and gave him a warning look. “Don’t. Don’t do this.” My voice shook. “I’ve asked you over and over to stop toying with me. I can’t handle it, not from you.”

  Caleb’s eyes were so full of concern and tenderness, and I broke.

  That’s it, that’s all I’ve got. I can’t do this. I let go of him. My body screamed in protest at the distance I had put between us, and the moisture returned to my eyes.

  Caleb reached for my face. “Amy—”

  “I said don’t!” I choked out, and walked away from him.

  “Amy?”

  I walked past our table as I felt the first tear fall. Faster, move faster. I picked up my pace and once I stepped on to the grass, I ran for it.

  I was done, so done. I felt broken beyond repair. A sob escaped me when I heard Caleb’s voice not far behind. I ran faster, glad for the flat sandals I had chosen, and headed for the trail that led to the hammocks. Caleb’s footsteps pounded behind me and I twirled around. “Stop!” I cried. “Just leave me be! I can’t take—” My voice broke and I sobbed again.

  Caleb came toward me with concerned eyes. “What did I say? What’s wrong?” He stepped closer and I took a step back.

  I shook my head. “Please, leave me alone. I can’t see you.” My shoulders shook and I felt like I was going to be sick. I turned and ran from him again, but his arms came around from behind, trapping me. He held me firmly and I completely broke down, sobbing even harder now.

  Caleb rocked me slightly from side to side. “Shhhh. Amy, calm down.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t, I can’t—” I broke away and pushed him from me. “I can’t keep doing this.” I was shouting now but Caleb still came closer.

  “Doing what? I won’t leave you like this. Talk to me.” Caleb reached for my face and I let him.

  “Why?” I spat. “You don’t care. You’ll just do what you want to do anyway.”

  Caleb’s eyes flashed with hurt, but anger soon followed. “You think I don’t care?”

  “No. If you cared, you wouldn’t do this to me. How many times do I have to tell you not to say those kinds of things? If you cared, you’d leave me be and stop torturing me.” I pushed away from him and wiped the uncontrollable tears.

  “Torture for you?” His tone was quiet, but it had an edge to it. “You want to talk about torture?” His voice rose, anger now set in his eyes and mouth. “You have no idea what torture is!”

  I stepped back from his thundering voice and shook my head in confusion.

  Caleb’s chest rose
and fell with heavy breaths. “You have no idea what it’s like! Do you think it’s easy for me? To see you in the arms of someone else, a friend?” Caleb laughed one short humorless laugh. “To hear him go on and on about you? To watch him touch you, hold you, kiss you!” Caleb was short of yelling. He stepped too close and took my face between his hands. His eyes were intense and all over my face. His voice was low and gruff when he spoke. “It makes me sick, Amy. Physically ill, when I think of you two together. And there’s nothing I can do but stand by and watch. That is torture, of the most acute kind.” His gaze dropped to my mouth and he swallowed. “And I can’t do it anymore.” He looked into my eyes a moment longer and stepped back.

  My tears had stopped. I was stuck with my mouth hanging open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He felt tortured by Byron and me? How?

  Caleb took another step back. “I’m done. I can’t keep doing this to myself.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I have to go.”

  I stared at him unsure of what to say. I was still in shock. “I’ll see you back over there, I guess,” I whispered.

  Caleb shook his head, his eyes wide and unforgiving. “No. I’m leaving. I can’t be here. It’s not fair to Byron, or you, or me. I’ll leave and you can go right back to pretending I don’t exist.” He took another step back.

  “What? You can’t just leave. you’re the best man!” I argued.

  Caleb was livid when he looked at me. “I can’t be here! I can’t be around you. Don’t you get that?” He was shouting at me and I cringed as he bellowed on. “If I can’t have you, then I don’t want to see you. I’ve suffered enough these past years without you. And now, to have you here, so close…I can’t.” Caleb’s face broke and a tear glistened down his cheek.

  My heart pounded. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Caleb sniffed, giving me one last, long look, and stepped back from me again.