by K R Bicknell
I stood up. I had to talk to Caleb. Mother looks at me in concern but I ignore her.
When I walk into his room, it’s dark. The black drapes are still shut but he’s not in bed.
“Caleb?” I call.
He walks in from the bathroom. He looks in better shape than Jacob.
“What happened last night?” I ask.
He gives me a cold look and walks to his dresser.
“Caleb, please?” I ask softly.
“I’m done.” he says, his voice cold and hard.
“Done? Done with what?”
“With you.” he says clasping on his watch. He’s dressed for work, cool and beautiful in a dark gray button-down shirt and slacks but I feel like my world is ending.
“Caleb?”
“No. That’s it.” He looks up at me like he’s looking at a stranger. “I can’t anymore. I can’t take care of you. I don’t want you. Everything I worked so hard for I could’ve lost last night. All because you had to be stupid!”
“Caleb, I’m sorry!”
He shakes his head, “Sorry? Sorry for what? You knew your dad was free before you left this house. You weren’t drunk when you asked my brother to take you with him. You were perfectly conscious when you put the only person in this world who I love in danger! You put my brother in danger, you put me in danger. No one forced drink down your throat.”
“Caleb.” I cry as he walks to his door. His brows are down and his eyes are blazing fire.
“No. I’m done. Do what you want, I’m not rescuing you again. I don’t care if you live or die. Or get sold into a fucking prostitution ring! I. Don’t. Care.”
He says coldly and leaves.
I collapse on the hard floor outside his room, my hand over my mouth, holding my sobs in. I don’t know how long I cry but eventually, my eyes run dry. I’m heaving with dry sobs when strong arms lift me up.
“Caleb?” I croak.
“No, it’s me.” Jacob whispers. He takes me to my bed and covers me with covers and leaves. I sleep alone in my bed that night.
J
I hate that she’s the reason Brother hates me.
I hate her.
She should’ve told me. That was a dick move.
But I feel a little sorry to see her like that.
I know he’s mad. I get it. I am too.
I sort of get why she did it though, I get wanting to forget the fucking world.
I think I’ll go talk to her again.
Don’t think Brother will go back to her, once he’s done with a girl, he never goes back.
I’ll be there though.
She’ll need someone.
H
I’m cold and numb on Sunday. Physically I feel better but there’s a gaping hole in my chest that hurts. I don’t see either of the boys. I want to go to work but Harry convinces me that it’s better if I take a leave for a few weeks, until the trial.
I hate calling Wanda and telling her that but she says it’s okay, she’d rather have me safe.
I spend the day in the study, trying to escape into a book and the evening on the chair in my balcony.
As soon as I see the light go on in Caleb’s room I go and knock on his door. He doesn’t answer. I call his name. There is only silence from the other side of the door.
“Please, Baby!” I cry into the wood, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Don’t rescue me anymore. I don’t deserve it but please talk to me!”
No answer.
I slide down the wall across from his door and sit on the floor, put my head on my knees. I think I fall asleep like that. Jacob carries me to my room again.
“We have to stop meeting like this.” He deadpans as he lays me down and slides in next to me.
“He won’t talk to me.” I sob into his chest.
“I knew he would break your heart.” He says softly, still holding me, “But didn’t think you’d break his.”
“I’m so sorry, Jacob. So sorry, I’m a moron.” I cry.
“Brother.” A deep voice rumbles behind him. “Leave us for a minute.”
Jacob gets up and leaves and I’m left cold. Caleb stands against my desk in his pajamas. I sit up. I don’t think it’s a good idea to apologize again so I’m silent.
“You have to stop this.” He tells me coldly, “This drama. Every single day.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I feel anger rising up.
“This stupid, behaving like a pathetic weak girl who wants to die because her boyfriend won’t talk to her.”
“I’m not! What the hell?”
“What the fuck happened?” He said walking up to me. I stand up.
“We fucked, that’s all. You screwed up. It ended. Get over it.” He says snapping in my face.
Before I realize it my hand has slapped his face. His eyes burn into me. He bites his lip and smirks.
“Thank you.” He says and leaves.
I stand there fuming, my chest heaving. The anger burns away the pain and I’m back on my feet again.
C
What the fuck does she think she’s doing, acting like I broke her heart?
Yet, it kills me when I hear her crying outside my door.
Something in my chest hurts.
That’s why I go talk to her.
When she slaps me, I know she’ll be alright.
My wildcat is back and I can’t help but smile.
She still has to pay for what she did, I know it’s better for all of us if I stay away.
Sex is easy, there’s hundreds of girls in this town I can fuck.
H
Much later in my bed when I’ve cooled down, I realize how much I love the boy. I love him not for rescuing me from strangers but from myself. He pulled me out of my own despair and gave me healthy, clean-burning anger. Something I knew how to live with.
School starts back up on Monday. Mandy is back and beaming with memories of the beach and boys. I want to ask her if she lost her virginity but I don’t. I don’t want to tell her about my week. I want to keep those memories locked up deep. I don’t know if Jacob and I will go back to the way we were but I know Caleb and I never will. I’ve built a wall. There’s a wall, unstable for now, between me and my heart. Eventually, I may make a window and peek into those memories but for now, it’s safer to keep them behind the wall. I walk down the halls of the school a little braver but also more bitter.
“How are things between you and the Westlake boys?” Mandy asks.
“Not much different.” I say.
“That’s too bad.” She says.
I see Jacob often. He’ll glance at me while surrounded by the big basketball boys and sometimes he’s given me a half-smile or a smirk, especially if Molsky or another boy I know say hello, but mostly he’ll ignore me.
Strangely, I’ve started seeing Caleb regularly. After lunch, he’ll be just standing in the hallway en route to my math class. Every single day. He glares at me as if I’m a bug on his windshield and I don’t look away either. I also see him watching me after school as I climb into the SUV when Travis picks me up. It’s strange, this little acknowledgment between us. As if we’re saying ‘I know you exist in my world, but I’d rather keep you at a distance.’
I don’t see him anywhere else. At home, I make it a point to avoid the spaces the boys occupy like the upstairs lounge or basement media room. He sometimes joins us for dinner. He sits at the other end of the table, opposite his dad, and eats silently. I don’t look at him but I feel him. Jacob is the same, loud, rambunctious, disrespectful.
I don’t want to feel Caleb. I wish I could scrub him off my skin, but no matter how hard I scrub in the shower I still feel him inside of me.
Weeks pass. I go to school. I go home. Always accompanied by Travis and no one else. Jacob gets rides from Caleb. One day, two weeks after spring break, Avery, Kiara, and Jenny make their way onto our table again.
“Wonder if hell’s frozen over.” Mandy mumbles to me when they walk over.
After a couple of
very bubbly, very fake pleasantries, Kiara gets to the point.
“So Hannah, are you still living with the Westlake boys?” She asks me.
“I live at the house, I don’t live with the boys.” I say curtly.
“Oooooh!” Jenny croons.
“Well anyways, we were just wondering if you knew if Caleb has a girlfriend.” Kiara says.
“I wouldn’t know, and nor do I care.” I say, mostly to tell myself.
“Why?” I ask them.
“Caleb hasn’t touched a girl in weeks. That’s not like him, I mean this guy was getting laid every night.” Avery says, “Now, he comes to the parties he’ll chill with his dudebros and that’s it.”
“It doesn’t matter who comes on to him, he is not interested.” Kiara adds.
“So we figure he’s got to have a girlfriend.” Avery says.
“Has he mentioned anyone, brought anyone home?” She asks.
“No.” I answer both questions truthfully.
“Maybe he’s turning gay.” Jenny pipes in.
“No.”
“No way!” The other two exclaim.
“Not that one.” Kiara says, “I can speak with personal experience! The way that boy enjoys sex.”
I have to inhale as I look down at my tray. “Excuse me.” I say as I get up and leave.
“Someone is salty because she ain’t getting any.” Jenny croons.
I leave the cafeteria early. I tell myself I’m not looking for him when I walk down the hallway where he stands. I see him first today and he’s looking down, trying to roll a joint. I can’t help but stand and stare. For the first time in forever he looks normal, not angry, or disdainful. I run up, grab his shirt at the cuff, and pull him into another smaller hallway.
“Hey!” He says.
“You need to fuck someone.” I tell him.
“Sorry, chica, been there, done that. Not interested.” He scoffs.
“Not me.” I whisper, “Someone else. Your reputation is tanking.”
“Don’t care.” He says snidely, “but since you’re so worried, how about that friend of yours, Mandy, is it?” He grabs my hips and jerks them into his groin. My breath catches in my throat. He is way too close. I can smell him now and his eyes are boring holes into me.
“Let go of me.” I growl.
“Is there a problem Mr. Westlake?” A teacher asks from behind me.
“No Sir.” He says letting go of me. I step back. “Being going through a dry spell, trying to see if something moves me. No use.” He says and walks away.
I’m left standing stunned. My chest heaving with anger, and everything else.
“Everything okay, Miss?” The teacher asks me.
“Yes. Yes Sir.” I whisper and walk away.
I lie in bed that night. The hunger is back and it hurts. My insides burn as if there are thousands of tiny creatures running through my veins clawing to get out. I do not allow myself to cry. Instead, I take my pillow and hit things with it. My bed, my chair, and finally with a scream wrenching from my throat I sweep it across my desk, pushing everything to the floor. Thankfully, I miss Wanda’s snow globe.
I start picking up the things from the floor.
“Something die in here?” Jacob is standing at my door.
“Just my hopes of getting an A in Chemistry.” I say morosely.
“Yeah, he’s tough.” He says. “Need help?”
I shake my head.
“Something bothering you?”
“You don’t need to hear it.” I tell him.
“No, I don’t.” He says, walks in, and sits backwards on my chair.
“I’m not supposed to talk to you.” I tell him after I’ve cleaned up and he’s still there.
“Who says, Brother?” He asks.
I shrug.
“Is he the boss of you?”
“No.”
“So?”
So he stays. Things get a little better between Jacob and me. I still don’t hang in the lounge and he still never spends the night but he hangs out in my room sometimes and we do homework together.
J
Yeah, I’m hanging with Hannah again.
Not that I can stay away, she’s the only one who’s a little fun in this house.
Brother’s hardly ever home, don’t know where he’s been, he doesn’t talk to me.
So what else is new?
I know I don’t mean much to him, it’s Hannah he wants, but he’ll stay away to punish her.
He’s good at that. Punishing.
Since I’m invisible to him again I’ve been talking to Donny.
He got me some pills yesterday.
If I didn’t know Hannah would rat me out, I’d offer her some, looks like she could use a pick me up.
Or forgetting.
It’s okay. I’m not getting a habit, just want to keep some insurance in my bag, for when things get hard.
H
Since the social event planning committee is the only committee made up of volunteers and not elected officials, it’s the only committee in school that I’m a part of. The next formal event to be planned is Prom. I have no interest in attending the said event in itself. I always saw school dances as events pandering to the false illusion of romance. Yet still, I was one of the four officials in charge of the event. Since the other three had already spoken for the first three school events of the year, the job of speaking about prom to the assembly fell to me. I hated public speaking even more now but steeled my spine and got up in front of the entire school.
Mrs. Crenshaw introduced me.
“So.” I started, “Prom has been decided for April twenty-fifth and this year’s theme is Starry Night.”
There are equal amounts of cheers as there are boos as with most school announcements.
“The Hyatt Regency downtown is the venue.” again cheers and boos.
“And this year we are looking to book an actual live band instead of a DJ so that should be good.” I lick my lips.
“The prom committee needs volunteers for decorating the ballroom and hallways of the Hyatt. If anyone is willing to volunteer they should raise their hands and Mrs. Crenshaw will write down your names.”
There is dead silence. One hand is raised in the back, I can’t see through the crowd.
“Caleb.” Mrs. Crenshaw says. I stop breathing.
“I volunteer on one condition.” The deep voice says from the back, “I get to hold the ladder, and Hannah hangs the stars wearing a short skirt.”
The entire gym is silent and then other hands rise up. Most of the basketball team's hands are up. I can see Jacob and some of his friends in the front row. They are the only ones with their hands down.
“Caleb Westlake!” Mrs. Crenshaw reprimands sounding angry.
“It’s okay.” I tell Mrs. Crenshaw, “FYI Caleb, even if you for some reason stoop low enough to help someone voluntarily you will not get to see under my skirt. And neither will any of your friends.”
I hear jeers but they are silenced by a signal from the back row. I feel a wave of white-hot rage surround me and in front of the crowd, I leave the podium and walk out of the gym. I walk directly into the girls' restroom and hide in a stall.
“Prude can’t get anyone to take her to a dance, that’s why she’s part of the committee.” I hear in Annabelle’s voice as various bodies enter the restroom, I stay silent in the stall.
Soon I hear the door open to gasps and a short screech.
“Caleb Westlake!” Annabelle croons, “A little patience.”
“Hannah Johnson!” He roars.
There is silence. I feel gazes on my door.
“Everybody out.” The low timbre echoes. There’s shuffling and then silence. My heart is racing again and my chest heaves. I hate the way he makes me feel.
“I’m not coming out there.” I tell him.
“What the fuck are you doing, Hannah?” His fingers fold over the top of the stall door as he holds it with both hands.
�
�Are you crumbling?” he asks, “Are you crying in there?” He mocks.
“No.” I wipe my face, “I don’t need you, Caleb Westlake.” I announce.
“That’s right.”
“And I don’t need your fucking basketball team.” I say.
“Course not.”
“In fact, I don’t need anybody. I can do the whole thing by myself and it’ll be the best fucking prom ever.”
“Sure.” He says softer now.
I lay my hands on my side of the door. There’s only the two of us in this room, with this dirty metal door between us. I have a momentary shot of weakness when I want to open the barrier and collapse in his arms, but I don’t. I stand up straight and take a deep breath and another. Soon I hear the door open softly and he’s gone. When I walk out of that restroom my head is held high. I don’t meet anyone’s gaze nor do I care what they are saying about me.
J
Yeah, Brother fucked with her in assembly.
I know why too, she looked fucking scared up there.
If he didn’t say anything, I would’ve.
I look for her afterwards, just to make sure.
She walks like a badass, a superhero and I know she’ll be okay.
C
What was she doing, acting like a wimpy, weak pussy?
I know that’s not her so I had to say something. But after giving me hell, she walks out and they’re all laughing at her.
I knew I had to rile her up.
It was just the two of us in that restroom. Being so close to her does something to me.
I want to break down that door and touch her.
I fold my fingers over the top of door wondering if she’ll reach for me.
She doesn’t and I’m proud of her.
She’s too fucking strong.
I’m smiling when I walk out.
H
Since I’m not working now, I spend my evenings in the kitchen with Adele and am learning how to cook from her. I find that I really enjoy cooking and eventually Adele lets me make whole dishes on my own with only a little guidance. It’s one of the few things that makes me happy in those days.
One day I’m sliding the chicken into the oven when I hear groans from behind.
“What’s wrong, big boy?” I hear Adele ask.
“Tired! Everything hurts.” I close the oven door and turn to see Caleb wrap his arms around Adele from behind. He sees me watching and gives me a look from behind her head. I have no idea what it means.