An Education in Ruin

by Alexis Bass

  If Theo and I being there tonight serves the purpose of killing time for Anastasia while she waits for Daniel, her unreliable New York boyfriend, who Theo reveals is “a whole year younger and five inches shorter than Anastasia,” it doesn’t feel like it. We slide Theo’s mattress so it’s pressed up against the window, and when we sit on it drinking LaCroix out of overzealous champagne flutes, it’s like we’re at the precipice of the city. Eventually, we put on the record, turning it up as loud as we can. We dance and sing along to Like a Prayer, and when it starts to get dark, we turn down the lights so nothing will impede our view out the windows. Next, we get creative, sliding the stools around the mattress and using the sheets to make a fort. We flip through the magazines from 1998 and 2004 and laugh at the fashion choices and headlines. People in 1998 were preparing for the year 2000 like all the computers would explode. People in 2004 were astonished at the high rates of music being downloaded as iTunes sold its two hundred thousandth song. Tobey Maguire was Spider-Man. Martha Stewart was in jail.

  “What a world,” Anastasia keeps saying, another phrase that—according to Theo—Anastasia is borrowing from her mother.

  When Daniel arrives, Anastasia whisks him down the long hallway and into the master, taking whatever’s left of the charcuterie board with her.

  “How’s your bruise?” I ask Theo. Jasper and I continued to meet him in the gym after that first day. It’s actually helped Jasper sleep, and I like it because it lets me release any dormant stress and stomp out the doubts that crowd my thoughts, the unpleasant memories from the summer that keep resurfacing. I don’t even mind that it cuts dinner short. The three of us have started taking turns wearing punching mitts, meant for catching punches. Theo taught us how to use them, and we’re getting better at doing his sets. Absorbing a punch is satisfying all the same.

  “It’s fading fast,” Theo says, rubbing the place under his arm where I hit him. I hooked when I was supposed to jab and missed the mitt. Theo flinched at first but then laughed, so I didn’t feel too bad, until the next day when he showed me the mark I’d left. He promised me it didn’t hurt. “You can really throw a punch, Collins. You’re a natural.”

  “Or do I have a good instructor?”

  “Take the compliment,” Theo says. It’s things like this that make Theo so beloved, popular by default. He’s generous with encouragement and doesn’t let you get down on yourself. Not even a little bit.

  “Jasper needs boxing so he can sleep. I need it because I’m so stressed out. Is there a reason you need it?”

  He shrugs, looks away out the window.

  “I mean,” I ramble, “I know you don’t have much to be stressed about, but—”

  “I have plenty to be stressed about.”

  “Like what? The usual Rutherford stuff? Seems like you have that mostly under control. More than under control, really. You breeze through that place. You own it. Everyone loves you. And I know it’s not only because of your charm. I know your grades are good, too—”

  “You know that, do you?”

  “Everyone knows that. The way the instructors treat you, your class rankings … it’s pretty obvious.”

  “You know what everyone loves more than academia, more than charm?”

  I shake my head. Theo gets the grades Rutherford wants their students to get. And he has the talent of finding something in common with anyone, making him that rare human with connections to everyone; a million friends that feel bonded to him no matter how well they know him.

  “Of course, you don’t notice it,” Theo says. “Because you have it and it’s never going away. You’re swimming in it. You’ve never known a life without it, and it’ll always be there.”

  “What are you talking about, Theo?”

  “I’m talking about money,” he says.

  “But you have that, too. Everyone at Rutherford does. I thought—” But I remember what Rosie said. The reason Mrs. Mahoney was so interested in my dad. She knew how to use love to get what she wanted, and that’s what she was doing with him.

  “My parents haven’t worked in their entire lives,” he says. “When my father is ‘on business,’ it’s really him having dinner with his friends or some golf tournament he doesn’t want to miss because he doesn’t think he deserves to miss it. They call it keeping up appearances. They’ve recently started taking investment advice and expanding their portfolio, but they’re not doing the best. They have a lot of debt. It was my great-grandparents who made the fortune, and then the next two generations did nothing but spend the money and live the good life. Jasper and I have known since we were kids that we’d have to actually work. We had a front-row seat to assets being sold, the way my parents scramble to make sure we can at least afford Rutherford and the lavish vacations that, according to them, are as important as our education. Jasper and I see what’s wrong. How fast money can disappear. We’ve always known we won’t live like them, and we’re not afraid of hard work the way they seem to be.”

  “I’m sorry, Theo.”

  “It’s not really their fault, I suppose. Their parents didn’t work. They were never told they needed to. They weren’t led by example or by instruction.”

  I nod because I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure why he’s telling me this. Maybe so I’ll know what stresses him out and come to understand him better as a friend.

  “So it’s a good thing that I’m charming and friendly and good at school and that Jasper wins lacrosse championships and decathlons.” He looks at me with a serious expression. “I know it may seem like we have everything going for us and like our family could afford to cover a $5 million NDA lawsuit, but really, we can’t.”

  My blood stills, and my throat dries up. Five million dollars. He’s talking about the NDA. His secret.

  “Collins. I know it was you who put the photo in the exchange box,” he says.

  “I—” Damn it. What can I possibly say—how can I explain why I know or why I’d thought exposing it to that trusted group would somehow leak the information? “How did you know it was me?”

  “I picked up the box to bring it to the exchange. According to tradition, it’s supposed to be Jasper’s job, but he was stressed out, so I did it for him. You were the last person to make a drop. You went right after me, and there was no photo in the box when I put in my item. So either someone sneaked in between the time you left your earrings and the time I picked up the items or it was you.”

  I cover my face. “Theo, I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.”

  “It’s okay,” he says.

  “It’s okay? But it’s not. It’s really not. I can explain.”

  “Where did you get it? The same person who told you I was taking steroids?”

  “I wanted to know what you were hiding. I thought if you were forced to face it in front of everyone playing the game, you’d reveal what it was. It was a shitty thing to do, and I’m so sorry.”

  “I understand why you’d be curious about me,” he says.

  “You do?”

  “You’re new at Rutherford. I can imagine how Jasper and I must’ve seemed to you. And I know you’re afraid.”

  I wait for him to elaborate.

  “What—what am I afraid of?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “But there’s something weighing on you. I can see it. Maybe you’re afraid of getting kicked out and looking for leverage. Maybe you were intimidated by the gossip constantly flowing from Anastasia and saw how she used her information to get what she wanted—like this penthouse, for example. She knew Joyce’s parents were going to be forced to sell it, and she told Joyce to put it in for the game under the pretext that she wouldn’t tell the whole school about it. Useless deal that was, considering Anastasia can’t keep a secret to save her life.” I think of how Kiara put her parents’ Hamptons house in the exchange both to confuse Anastasia and take away her power over Joyce. “But we’re friends now. So if there’s something you want from me, just ask.”

  “It’
s none of my business.” I look to my hands, too ashamed to meet his eye.

  “It was a forest fire,” he says. “The reason our group at Camp En Tous Lieux was sent home. The reason for the NDA. One of the counselors accidentally set off a flare gun in the dry season. The fire burned fifty acres before it was contained. There were no injuries or casualties. But that’s not the kind of thing Camp En Tous Lieux wants getting out, as you can imagine. My NDA was for more than everyone else’s because they thought my price for silence needed to be higher, given my family fortune.” He rolls his eyes. “I trust you,” he says. “I know you won’t say anything.”

  I smile, grateful that he trusts me. Sort of honored that our friendship is at this place. I try to decide if this is a valuable secret, something I can use to threaten Mrs. Mahoney. It’s another small secret, like Jasper’s former involvement with Rob James and the truth behind the reason he got his internship. If I were to tell Mrs. Mahoney that I knew about the Camp En Tous Lieux fire and that I was going to expose that Theo broke the NDA when he told me, there would be no proving that Theo was the reason I knew about the fire. When Rosie revealed that Theo had a secret, she’d assumed the truth would be something Theo had done that I could use as leverage to keep Mrs. Mahoney away from my father. But the onus here is on the camp, not on Theo.

  “You didn’t have to tell me that,” I say. “You don’t owe me anything as part of our friendship.”

  “Maybe not,” he says. “But you’re helping Jasper, so maybe I do.”

  “But it’s all selfish, Theo. I’m helping him because I like him. And really he’s helping me.” And that was selfish, too, saying this to Theo, trying to intrigue him regarding my involvement with his brother. Weeks of studying together and boxing together, and I’m closer to him, yes, but only by inches. Theo might be able to help with this, too. Looping Theo in feels like the best option. Ideally, he’ll offer some insight.

  “Why?” Theo says.

  “What?”

  “Why do you like him?”

  “Because he’s…” I can feel my face getting red again. All I can think about is Anastasia talking about Jasper, saying those curls and that bone structure—but I can’t say this to Theo.

  “Mysterious?” Theo says.

  “I thought he was mysterious, yeah, and I used to like that. But now it’s as if … he seems impossible to know. That was intriguing at first. But it’s not anymore. Now it’s maddening.”

  “That’s my brother, okay? He’s closed off and focused and chooses responsibility over fun every time. You haven’t picked up on that by now?”

  “I’ve noticed all that about him, Theo, but he’s also undercover witty and incredibly self-aware about everything except that he can be witty. He has a good sense of humor, and he won’t laugh at something unless he really thinks it’s funny—same with questions; he won’t bother asking you something he already knows simply because of small talk, even though sometimes it makes him come across as rude. And his mind is immaculate, like there’s an order to his brilliance that’s so interesting it makes you want to shave off all his perfect hair and cut into his scalp to have a look.”

  Theo stares at me.

  “What?” I finally say. “The thing I said about his scalp was an exaggeration, I don’t really care to see his brain.”

  “No, I got that. But—” He sighs. “You wouldn’t want to be with him right now anyway, trust me.”

  “Why not?”

  “All he’s searching for lately are distractions.”

  “Distractions from what?” But then I have another thought. “Is that why he’s helping me with calculus?”

  “And why he agrees to meet me in the gym to box. Though to your credit, he was uninterested in coming until he thought you might like it. Does it really matter? You’re getting a calculus tutor out of it, and now I’ve got not only one sparring partner but two—one that’s a real natural.” Theo pats my leg.

  “But … what does he need the distraction from?” I think of the way he was slumped over his laptop, propping his head up, how he’s been having trouble falling asleep.

  Theo shrugs. “Life in general.”

  “Life in general is the reason he can’t sleep?” I wonder if he’s troubled about his family’s financial situation, the way that Theo is.

  “If this is something you’re worried about, why don’t you ask him yourself?” Theo says.

  “Maybe I will.”

  Anastasia and Daniel enter the living room laughing. She kisses him goodbye and then plops down on the air mattress next to us.

  “He’s leaving so soon?” Theo says.

  “He has a curfew. So lame, right? No offense, Collins.”

  “None taken.”

  My curfew comes up swiftly after Daniel’s. As I’m leaving, Theo says, “Wait.”

  I turn around in the doorway. “Yeah?”

  “You really like him?” Theo asks.

  I nod.

  “Getting him isn’t just something you have to prove to yourself, because he’s not falling all over himself for you the way Sebastian is? It’s not for any other reason than all those things you listed off before you got creepy and said that thing about his brain?”

  “Yeah,” I say. My dad once told me it’s easier to lie to someone if you don’t have to look them directly in the eyes, and that’s how he could tell I was lying to him when I was little, because I’d stare at his hairline. Right now, I’m finding that’s not the case. “I really like him.”

  Theo gives me a small smile and lets the door fall shut. I can’t tell if he believes me or if he looks at me and only sees a girl he can trust because she’s carrying an impossible weight.

  Twenty-six

  We return to Rutherford that Monday, and I meet Theo and Jasper in the gym for a boxing session, picking up right where we left off. The weather is unruly, raining harder than ever, and we can hear thunder clapping in the distance as we scoot the bags out from their corner and wrap our hands.

  We’ve barely started warming up when Theo says he has to go.

  “I totally spaced. I’m supposed to meet Ariel to watch the rest of that documentary on junk science and unsolved crimes. You guys stay. Sorry to bail; I completely forgot.”

  This seems like the most obvious lie and not even a good excuse. I think it must be because of what I said to him at Joyce’s penthouse, and this is his way of giving us time alone. I wonder if he told Jasper anything I said about him.

  “You’re leaving … to watch television?” Jasper doesn’t seem to buy it either.

  “I’m meeting one of my closest friends because I promised her I would.” He unplugs his phone, sucking the music from the room. “Have fun,” Theo calls as he tosses his hand wraps into the bin and heads toward the door.

  The door drags closed with a low bang.

  This is what I wanted, I remind myself—the chance to be alone with him without our schoolbooks; this is good. To break the tension, I start hitting the bag. Jasper glances at the door one more time like he thinks Theo might come back, then does the same. For the next several minutes, it’s only the sound of our breathing getting heavier, the dull thud of our gloves hitting the bags, and the occasional blast of thunder.

  After a while, we’re both out of breath. We break for water at the same time. I know I’m supposed to say something to him, that I should be taking advantage of it being only the two of us.

  I decide to come out and say it—ask the thing I most want to know. “Theo told me you’re helping me with calculus because you need a distraction. What’s going on? What do you need a distraction from?”

  “That’s not the only reason I’m helping you.”

  Not what I was expecting him to say. My heart is already pounding because of the workout, but now I feel jittery, nervous.

  “What are the other reasons?”

  “I don’t want you to get dismissed from Rutherford. I want you to be here, and I like teaching you calculus and studying with you an
d walking with you when we’re done at the library and meeting you here for this.” He looks away and scratches under his chin with his wrist, using the hand that still has a glove on since his other hand is holding his water. I stand there in disbelief. This is the most he’s ever said to me that wasn’t directly related to calculus. “And I don’t mean to be hard to get to know—” He pauses to take another small sip of water. My gaze jumps to the floor, to my hands, anywhere except looking directly at him. Theo told him what I said about how I don’t like the mysterious side of him anymore. I close my eyes for a second, hoping Theo didn’t say verbatim about me wanting to look at his brain. Jasper continues, “I haven’t—in a while—and it didn’t turn out so well—the last time.”

  “The last time you got to know someone?”

  I get brave enough to look at him, and I watch as he tries to put one hand on his hip, forgetting that he’s still wearing the glove on that hand. It’s sort of adorable, his awkwardness right now.

  He yanks off his other glove and meets my eyes. “The last time I liked someone.”

  This confession from him surprises me. About making someone fall in love with you, Rosie said, “If he knows he has you, he’ll be less afraid of giving himself over, too.” Thanks to my confession to Theo, Jasper knows I like him, and now that knowledge has put him on the spot; forced a decision. He says he likes me, and that’s what I wanted, but it’s only the start. I’m going to need more from him than this. There’s still a lot I need to uncover about him to make his feelings toward me stronger.

  “You mean Rob.” The last time he liked someone. Anastasia said he definitely hated her now. But that’s leaving out a lot. “What happened between you guys?”

  He begins to speak, but the thunder sounds again, louder and closer than it was before.

  “It should’ve never happened, the two of us,” he says, sliding on both his gloves. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “I hear that can be a side effect of love.”

  I maneuver my second glove on, though I’m not ready to go back to the bags yet.