An Education in Ruin

by Alexis Bass

  “I wasn’t in love,” he says quickly. “It wasn’t a relationship. It was an infatuation. And I regret it all.”

  Following his lead, we walk over to our bags.

  “All of it?” I say.

  “All of it,” he says with no hesitation. He starts punching his bag, and I do the same. We listen to the thunder getting farther and farther away from us.

  In a few weeks, I’ll be at a luxury ski resort with Jasper and Rob James. He says it wasn’t love, but even so, whatever happened with them changed him. He’s going to be cautious about falling in love now. He’ll question it. He’ll want to have no doubts that love is really what he’s feeling.

  Four Months Later

  He leans forward and kisses me like he can tell that we don’t have time, like he knows it’s running out. He puts his hands on either side of my head and stares at me like he’s getting a last look.

  My kisses are to fill him up. They aren’t to promise anything, because they can’t; they never could.

  DECEMBER

  Twenty-seven

  Winter is setting in at Rutherford, leaving frost on the grounds every morning and a bone-chilling wind cutting through the air every night. Studying for finals takes over everyone’s schedules. I don’t even have time to wonder when Sebastian will try another one of his signature moves on me, and even if I did, he wouldn’t have time to make them. We cancel the game for the month of December because no one has room in their schedule to be social, let alone time for sneaking into the storage closet or to the tunnel between the dorms. Theo, Jasper, and I hardly have availability to meet in the gym. The library is so crowded that reserving a private study room every day is next to impossible. Jasper and I are lucky to get seats at the same table, and sometimes he has to kneel next to me when we go over my calculus problems.

  It helps that field hockey is over and all I have to do to fill the activities requirement is pick from a list of offered sports alternatives. I choose yoga because the boxing classes are already full of the fourth years, who have priority. But it turns out I like the sereneness of sitting in silence.

  Even still, as I finish my last final, and the bell rings loudly, letting us all out for winter break, I feel this pit in my stomach. It stems from a fear that I’ve spent all my time studying and not enough of it getting closer to Jasper, and pressure from knowing that this break would’ve presented me with the perfect opportunity to tell Mrs. Mahoney the reasons she needs to stay away from my dad. But because Theo’s secret isn’t the scandal I was hoping for, and Jasper doesn’t love me, so I can’t threaten a broken heart, now this vacation is a scramble to get closer to Jasper, to get him to feel something more for me.

  “You have to tell me everything,” Elena says as we pack our suitcases. Word’s gotten around that a handful of Rutherford students whose parents are prime investors in Rob James’s company will be at the winter board meeting in Hylift.

  Elena’s best friend, Ruthie, who leaves nothing to the last minute, finished packing earlier this week. She sits in Elena’s desk chair chatting with us while we fold clothes. “If you see her wearing any other colors besides white and gold, photo documentation is required,” she says.

  “I doubt I’ll see her that much.”

  “Um, yes, you will.” Elena tosses me the gray sweatshirt of mine that she always borrows. “Even though you’re not attending the meetings or whatever, I’m sure you’ll see her at some of the dinners or around the resort. Hylift is a giant mansion. It’s only one building. Bumping into people is a given.”

  I’m counting on that.

  “When Jennings & Jennings held their retreat at the Wellington, I saw the Jennings brothers all the time,” Ruthie says. “At dinner, at breakfast, in passing, in line to the bathroom, at the pool—all over.”

  “You saw Muriel Jennings at the pool? In his bathing suit?” Elena and I both stop what we’re doing to wait for her answer. Muriel Jennings is always included in the annual list of New York City’s most eligible bachelors—something I know because of the times my father was also on the list. In his late twenties, Muriel Jennings is young for a billionaire. He works out a rumored three times a day, even keeping a treadmill and weights in his office for quick sprints or lifting sessions while he does business, and it shows. You can see his muscles through his suit.

  “I sure did,” Ruthie says.

  “That’s when photographic documentation is most required!” I say as Elena screams, “Why didn’t I know about this!”

  Ariel and Anastasia knock on the already-open door to announce their arrival, and Elena and I yell, “Ruthie saw Muriel Jennings in his bathing suit last year!” instead of giving them a proper greeting. Ariel is predictably bored by this news, but Anastasia shrieks, demands all the information from Ruthie, and then starts frantically texting Theo to tell him.

  “Are you excited about Hylift?” Anastasia says. I know she’s brought it up so she’ll get the chance to casually let Elena and Ruthie know that she’ll be going there, too.

  “I’m excited.”

  “Me, too.”

  “You’re going?” Elena asks, falling right into her trap, and Anastasia explains that she’ll be arriving at Hylift later in the month because “Theo’s family is basically my family, and I can’t go the entire break without seeing him.”

  Since it’s such a destination spot, a lot of the board member families are extending their stay, though this seems to be encouraged since Robames is throwing a New Year’s Eve party. That’s what Dad and I have planned—staying the whole break. That’s what the Mahoneys have arranged, too, according to Theo.

  I finish packing, say goodbye to Elena and Ruthie, and walk with Anastasia and Ariel to the Rutherford front gates, where there is a cluster of students either waiting to catch a shuttle to the Cashmere airport or waiting for a car service to take them down the Cashmere cliffs and into the next town, where there is a much larger airport.

  I scan the row of cars until I see a sign with my name.

  “That’s interesting,” I muse as I read the paper the driver is holding.

  It says:

  PRUITT, COLLINS

  MAHONEY, JASPER & THEODORE

  LAING, STEWART

  “It makes sense,” Ariel says, noticing the sign. “Since you’re going to the same place.”

  I hug the two of them and tell Ariel goodbye and Anastasia that I’ll see her soon.

  The driver helps me with my bag, and I climb into the back seat. A few minutes later, the doors open. Jasper and Theo climb in.

  Theo takes a seat next to me, and Jasper bypasses me to sit in the third row. He gives me a quick smile instead of saying hello, then puts on his headphones.

  I can hear Rosie’s advice, clear as day, what she’d say to me if she knew I was about to be trapped in a mountain resort with Jasper, free from Rutherford obligations and from Rutherford rules. She’d tell me there’s no excuse now. She’d tell me to find a way to get closer to him. Let him see that you’re the one who shines a light on the good parts of himself and makes him forget all the bad parts.

  “Are you as excited for us as the rest of the school seems to be?” Theo says.

  Theo and I chat for a while, until Stewart arrives and joins Jasper in the very back. We’re exhausted from exams and don’t talk much as we’re hauled off to the closest international airport.

  By the time we arrive, it’s dark. We check our bags and go through security. We have four first-class tickets. According to the seat assignments, Jasper and I are next to each other, and Theo and Stewart have the opposite row.

  “Are you okay with the window?” Jasper asks me as we board.

  I nod. I’m not sure if we’re going to switch seats so that Jasper can be next to Stewart and I can sit with Theo. But when we board, we all take our assigned seats.

  There’s a wide console, an armrest that’s easily shared between us without our arms touching. Jasper and I might as well be seated in different rows. As the plan
e takes off and the cabin lights go out, I wonder if he’ll try to sleep. He takes out his tablet, puts on noise-canceling headphones, and watches a movie. Clearly, not wanting to be interrupted. I try to watch a movie, except I fall asleep. I wake up an hour or so after I drifted off to use the restroom. Jasper politely gets out of his seat to let me pass, instead of having me squish past him, which I’d be more than happy to do. When I return, his tablet is dark. His headphones aren’t on. He fidgets as I get situated next to him. I can tell he has something he wants to say to me. After I’ve got my seat belt back on, he leans in my direction. Right as he gets out the first syllable, there is a chime. The captain comes on the overhead speaker to announce we’re beginning our descent. By the time we’re prepared for landing, Jasper has his headphones back on and his eyes closed. Probably listening to the same music he sometimes puts on when we’re boxing—music for decompressing that, for Jasper, has a loud, repetitive beat and a catchy, melodic chorus.

  After we land and disembark from the plane, we rush to the correct gate. We have to go outside to board our next plane. It’s very cold. The wind blows hard and biting against my face. My breath comes out in thick steam. We’re surrounded by white—snow and ice-covered mountains and a cloud-filled night sky.

  “Right this way.” An attendant motions for us to follow him. But where he leads us isn’t to another airplane at all. It’s to a helicopter, its engine roaring, its blades whipping through the air. Stewart, Theo, and Jasper climb right in like they’ve done this a thousand times. I freeze. I’ve never been in a helicopter, nor have I ever wanted to be in one. Many times my father has tried to get me to take a helicopter tour of Manhattan—my answer is always a resounding no. I preferred a shark tank to the helicopter tour option when we were in South Africa. When my father told me I’d be coming straight to Hylift, he failed to mention exactly how I’d be getting there.

  “Come on.” The attendant holds out his hand for me. But I can’t do it. I can’t move. I look up to see what Theo and Jasper are making of this, but I can’t see them—until Jasper suddenly appears. He’s climbing out, coming toward me. Good. Maybe he doesn’t want to be in a helicopter either and they’ll make new arrangements for us to ride on a real airplane. He grips my shoulders when he’s in front of me. “You’ve never been on one before?” he says, yelling over the noise. It’s so loud I want to cover my ears.

  I shake my head.

  “I haven’t either.” Right when I think we’re going to weasel our way out of this, he says, “I’ve done some research, and it’s going to be fine.”

  I keep shaking my head, but my feet take a few steps closer. He lets go of my shoulders and grabs my hand.

  “I don’t want to,” I say. He taps his ears to tell me he can’t hear me, and I move closer to him, so my mouth is by his ear. “I’m scared.”

  “They won’t let anything happen to us,” he says into my ear.

  “That’s not good enough,” I say. He has too much faith that simply because people are being paid to get us to Hylift safely, they will. Come ice or snow or wind or engine malfunction.

  “If you get in, they’ll give us headsets. I can talk to you the whole time.”

  “How is that going to help?”

  “Because I’m going to explain to you why you don’t have anything to worry about. Come on. I’ll tell them they can’t take off until you’re comfortable.”

  This gets me on board, and through the headsets, Jasper has the pilot promise they won’t launch until I say I’m okay. But now that I’m strapped in, I’m shaking. Tears are stubbornly encroaching my eyes, and my bottom lip won’t stop trembling. It must hurt, how hard I’m squeezing Jasper’s hand.

  “What are you afraid of?” the pilot says to me through the headset.

  “The bad weather,” I say, picking this to start with in my long list of terrors.

  The pilot starts going on about weather patterns and how the helicopter can handle all of it. Jasper cuts him off. “What are you really afraid of, Collins?”

  I completely unload. “I’m scared something will happen to the blade. I don’t think I’ll like the up-and-down motion that will make it feel like we’re falling. I don’t want a scenic view of the mountain right as we’re crashing into it.”

  Jasper nods, but then he pulls out his phone.

  “Look at this,” he says. He holds it so I can see it, flipping through different screens that show numbers—no, statistics that pertain to helicopter crashes with this particular model, with these particular weather conditions, coming from this particular airport. The statistics do indicate that my odds of surviving this ride are very, very good.

  “Can we try to take off now?” he says.

  “Hold my hand during the up and down.” Theo reaches for my free hand. “And if you don’t want to see outside, close your eyes.”

  “But it’s going to be beautiful!” the pilot chimes in.

  Jasper glares at him even though the pilot is facing the other way. “Only if you want to, Collins. Also, remember this flight is only twenty-five minutes long; it’ll be over very quickly.”

  “It’s the only way to get to Hylift,” the pilot adds.

  Theo nods to confirm, but for some reason, it takes a nod from Jasper before I truly understand that this is our lone option.

  “Okay,” I say. “Let’s get it over with, then.” I squeeze both of their hands and pinch my eyes shut. As predicted, I do not like the feeling of the takeoff, the wobbly lift into the air as though we are levitating, but at an incredible rate. Nor do I care for how it feels as we propel forward or when we have to make a turn. But I run the numbers over and over in my head. The odds are in our favor. This makes me think of The Hunger Games, and for a second, I’m distracted. But a moment later, I remember where I am again. The helicopter jerks to the side. I tighten my grip on their hands. Suddenly, I hear a low voice singing in my headset. Theo. He’s singing “Like a Prayer.” Jasper joins in. Stewart, too. I’m impressed they know all the words. I slowly start humming along. This does help. I can’t seem to resist singing when they start on the chorus. We keep singing as the helicopter takes another uncomfortable curve. And then a new voice joins—that of the pilot. He’s way more into it than we are, singing in a falsetto, belting out the lyrics. I can’t help but crack a smile, like a reflex. I dare to open my eyes. Theo is gazing out the window as he sings. Jasper is looking at me. They are both smiling. I see past Jasper, out the window. It’s breathtaking—beautiful like the pilot said it would be. A dazzling skyful of stars and snow-covered mountains lit up by the full moon. I stop singing to gasp.

  “I told you,” the pilot says. I nod—I have to give him that. And suddenly the jerking movements that startled me before don’t seem as bad. I don’t mind the corners so much, and I even manage to stay calm as we land.

  Another car service picks us up from the helicopter landing pad. The landing pad is on Hylift property but still a ways from the resort. We climb into the SUV and trek through a snow-covered road with snowbanks so high on each side that I can barely see the forest behind them. Large snowflakes tumble down. When we come upon Hylift, it’s like a beacon, all lit up, with a large front porch and smoke rising from the chimneys. It looks like your typical cabin in the woods, but fifty times the size, with a wraparound porch that we can’t see the end of and a roof that is multiple stories tall.

  Inside, the lobby is expansive, a fire roaring in the enormous, stone fireplace and giant wreaths decorated with colorful ornaments hanging on the walls. The ceiling is so high I have to crane my neck to see it. Large streams of silver tinsel dangle from the beams.

  We’re informed at the front desk that our parents’ flights were canceled coming out of Chicago but that they will likely get in tomorrow. They provide us with the keys to our rooms and tell us the kitchen has stayed open, in case we’re hungry and wanted a hamburger. A hamburger doesn’t even make my top-five favorite foods, but in this moment, it sounds like an absolute dream. Jas
per and I both answer emphatically, “Yes.” Theo says he’s too tired to eat and retreats to his room. Stewart says he’s also too tired. As I tell them good night, I thank them for singing to me on the helicopter ride.

  I have to thank Jasper, too. But as we sit together at the booth they’ve prepared for us in the corner of the closed restaurant, right up against a large window with a view of the snowy mountains and the full moon, I think about the way he jumped out of the helicopter to get me and the way he offered me his hand and didn’t let go for the whole ride. I feel shy about saying it.

  We’re quiet as we inhale our dinner.

  “That was the best burger I’ve ever had,” I say.

  He smiles. “They could’ve served Spam and it would’ve been the best meal I’ve ever eaten.”

  I laugh.

  “That made the helicopter ride almost worth it.” I take a deep breath. “Thank you, by the way. For, you know … without you—” I’m so bad at this—but why? Why is it so hard to tell him this, to admit it? “I never would’ve—”

  “It’s okay,” he says. “I looked up those statistics when we were in the car on the way to the airport. They made me feel much better about riding in the helicopter. I’m glad they made you feel better, too.”

  “Yeah, that really helped.” And when you came after me, and when you gave me your hands. “And the singing. That helped, too.”

  “Theo knew exactly how to distract you.” He looks away, out the window, and I get the sense that he has something to add. He sighs. “He knows you so well. But I—I don’t think you’re that easy to know either.”

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  He stares at me like this response surprises him.

  “I am right,” he says.

  “So we’re both hard to know.” It feels like he wants me to admit this, like it’s what he was waiting for.

  “But Theo knows you.”

  “Theo knows a lot of people. That’s how he is.”

  “But you and I—” He cuts himself off, and I wait for him to continue. “You and I have spent a lot of … we should know … I should know as much or more about you than he does, given everything.” I’m startled at how agitated this makes him. “I want to know you more. And I want you to know me. But—” He looks away again.