Making It

by Christine d'Abo

  He was in a bar with his back to the crowd. People were moving behind him, the occasional brush of an arm or body against him. It was hot, and he needed to get cool. In his fantasy, Devan pulled his shirt off, his nipples hardening from the change in air temperature. In reality, he pushed the sheet down so he could brush his nipple with his free hand.

  He pictured a man coming up behind him. He couldn’t see his face—he never did—but he could feel the length of his body, the heat rolling off him to wash over Devan’s back.

  “So handsome.” The voice was close to his ear, sending shivers through him. “I want to touch you.”

  Devan never spoke, he didn’t need to. Now naked in his dream, he opened his legs wide and knew the man would help him. He increased the rate of his strokes, driving his arousal to the point where he knew he’d come.

  But the fantasy, the same scenario that he’d run through his mind for years now, changed tonight. Devan pictured a long, muscular arm reaching down to cup his balls. A firm chest pressed hard to his back, the scrape of a stubble-covered chin against his cleanly shaven cheek.

  “I want to hear you moan.”

  It was Eli’s voice. Eli’s hand between his legs.

  It should have been a turnoff. It wasn’t.

  Devan moaned, the fantasy morphing into memories. Eli wrapping his arms around him as they fucked against the counter in the kitchen. The low, rumbling sounds he’d make when he was turned on, close to orgasm. Devan’s heart pounded hard, and sweat beaded on his skin as his orgasm crept closer.

  He missed the feeling of Eli’s body wrapped around him. The scent of him as they’d make love, something he’d long pushed from his memory, was back. Devan tried to slow things down, not wanting to come to long-forgotten memories. He didn’t need them, not when he had the man who’d stolen his heart back in his life.

  Eli looked older now, more muscular than before. Devan pictured the muscles and how they’d flex if Eli were to grab him, stroke his cock. That devilish smile Eli always got when he was up to no good was still there. His gentleness that seemingly contrasted the pure power that lay behind his every touch.

  His hand flew over his shaft, and Devan knew he wasn’t going to last. Thoughts left him as the overwhelming surge of pleasure slammed through him. The first spurts of come shot from him to land in warm beads across his hand and groin as his orgasm rolled over him. He squeezed his lips shut, trying to keep the noises he so desperately wanted to make trapped inside.

  As quickly as his release came, Devan collapsed. The sheets were no longer cool and comforting. His body was sweaty, come now stuck to his pubic hair in a way that would be not so fun to clean up. And none of that mattered. He’d had one of the best orgasms he’d had in a long time. Inner peace gave his body a chance to relax. His heart and head were on a temporary vacation, giving him the opportunity to drift.

  It took him longer than normal to shake himself out of his haze, to reach over and grab the packet of baby wipes he kept there for emergency Matthew accidents. Thankfully, they were multipurpose.

  As he cleaned himself up, Devan couldn’t help but wonder what all this had meant. It wasn’t surprising that he was still sexually attracted to Eli. Shit, he’d have to be blind not to find his physical appearance sexy. But there was no way he could do anything about it. Eli could live in his fantasy material for the rest of Devan’s life, and that would be good enough.

  Except . . .

  Except Devan was lonely.

  Rolling over, he turned off the light and lay there in the dark. Sleep refused to come, mostly because his mind was mulling over the problem of his technically ex-husband. Devan was past the point of wanting Eli to make amends. Wasn’t he? There was no way their relationship could work out any differently if they tried again. Right?

  Devan adjusted his pillow, giving it a good punch, before settling back down.

  “Okay, brain. You need to shut up now.”

  Except his brain had one last thought. A final thing to keep Devan awake.

  Eli had looked as lonely as Devan felt.

  It had been a week since Eli had last heard from Devan, but he wasn’t really surprised that Devan hadn’t reached out. Eli had given him what he’d needed—the paperwork was signed and no doubt with a lawyer or en route to some courthouse or whatever to be processed. Why would he bother to say anything to Eli at all? Eli hadn’t done anything to earn Devan’s trust since returning.

  And, really, what the hell was he hoping for? A chance to get back together? Devan had spent years carving out a life that didn’t involve him. Looking at it from the outside, Eli craved a measure of closeness with someone the way Devan had with Matthew, but that didn’t mean he deserved it.

  Eli worked out his disappointment at Ringside. While he loved Zack and the gym, it wasn’t exactly the right setup for what he needed to be ready for his match with Caulfield in three weeks. Ideally, he would have gone back to Montreal and lived at the gym there until the time came for the fight. But despite the numerous emails and calls from Stephan begging him to do exactly that, Eli wasn’t about to leave his mom. She’d actually recognized him yesterday when he’d gone into her room for his visit. That bright smile and sparkle in her eyes was all he needed to solidify his resolve.

  Ringside Gym would have to do.

  The heavy bag swung gently from the previous kick he’d landed. It felt good to stretch his muscles, to feel the impact of skin on canvas. He hadn’t been at it long, having waited until close to closing time before starting. Zack and Nolan were off somewhere, and he hadn’t seen Grady since his arrival. There were only a few others working out, though Eli was aware of them watching him. A young guy in the back had been mirroring his moves, something that never bothered Eli. A kid had to learn somehow, and not everyone could afford a trainer.

  Focus, asshole.

  Bringing his hands up to a guard position, he landed two jabs and a cross before connecting with a roundhouse. Bang, bang, thwap sounded behind him. Reaching out to grab the bag, he peered over at the kid on the other side of the gym, who, as expected, was doing the same. Eli turned so he was now on the other side of the bag and able to see the kid. The young man averted his gaze, so Eli waited until he finally looked up once more.

  Getting into his stance, he waited for the kid to mimic him, giving him a nod and a small smile when the kid got into the correct position. He then held up his arms to guard his face, encouraging the kid to lift them higher, before repeating the move. Jab, jab, cross, roundhouse. The kid was shaky, but pulled it off pretty well.

  “Do that five more times, then switch feet and lead with your left hand.” Eli nodded at the kid again, getting a kick out of the way the young guy grinned.

  “Why don’t I have you coaching here?” Zack stood in the office doorway, clearly having observed the entire exchange.

  “Because I won’t be around for long and you don’t want to upset your clients.”

  “Naw, that’s not it.” Zack snapped his fingers. “I know, it’s because you’re an asshole.”

  “Hey now, that’s one of my best features.” Eli gave the heavy bag another few hits before heading over to Zack. “What did I do now?”

  Zack nodded toward the office, so Eli trailed along behind him. His hands were sore despite being wrapped up, which spoke volumes as to how out of shape he was. Given how little time he had to get ready for the fight in a few weeks, that wasn’t a good thing.

  “I got a Google alert on the gym this morning. Your appearance here was mentioned, as was your upcoming fight.” Zack frowned. “When did all that happen?”

  “Not long ago. I’m taking you up on your offer to train here.”

  “Cool. Whatever you need.” The look on Zack’s face told him that there was more to this conversation than curiosity about his match.

  “Spit it out, dude.”

  “Did you meet up with Devan?”

  The question hit harder than a sucker punch. “I did.”

  �
�And?”

  “And I took him out to supper, apologized, and signed the divorce papers.”

  Zack nodded, but rather than a look of approval, Eli was surprised to see disappointment. “I’m glad you did the right thing.”

  Eli began to pull the wrap from around his hand. “Sure. Stephan put me in a bad spot, but it was still on me. What else could I do?”

  “I don’t know, maybe you could make an attempt to win him back?”

  “Why the hell would I bother? He’s got a kid, his own place; he doesn’t need me back in his life to fuck it up.”

  Zack’s head shot up. “He’s got a kid? How?”

  “Well, when a man loves a woman, they hug each other really tight and make a baby.”

  “See, asshole.”

  “I am.” Eli quickly filled him in on everything Devan had said. “His name’s Matthew.”

  Zack sat on the edge of his desk, his face a tangle of emotions. “So you’re telling me that there’s a chance this kid is yours, and you’re not going to do anything about it?”

  “What the hell can I do?” He’d spent days going through scenarios in his mind, begging Devan to take him back, leaving Toronto for good and never returning. “If the kid is mine, I have no right to force myself back into his life. I left him. Told him I didn’t want a family. I can’t change my mind now.”

  “Dude, you were hurting. I wasn’t surprised that you had a breakdown. Other couples who’ve had to deal with miscarriages have had to work through similar issues and no, not all couples make it. But you went a little scorched-earth on your life here. That caught me off guard.”

  It had caught Eli off guard as well. Months after he’d left Devan and moved to Montreal, he’d had one of those oh fuck moments. Half-naked in a locker room, the severity of what he’d done to Devan, to their relationship, had hit him hard. He’d been terrified the night of Meg’s miscarriage. Partially because of what had happened to her, but also because he’d known Devan would want to try again. He’d told Devan that he didn’t want to have a child, but the truth was, he’d been scared of losing a child again, and maybe even more scared that the next time would work and he’d end up being a father. With his history, he’d be a train wreck of a father. The idea of having that level of responsibility for another person’s well-being . . . Eli didn’t think he could do it.

  From that moment on, anger had become his default mode and had helped fuel his fights for the years to follow. All because he’d walked away from the best thing that had ever happened to him, because he’d been too much of a coward to tell Devan what he was really feeling.

  Eli dropped the wrap to the floor and went to work freeing his other hand. “He deserves better than me.”

  “I think that’s up for him to decide.”

  “I told him where I was going to be for the next few weeks. He never responded after that. I have no intention of pushing him. If he never wants to see me again, then that’s fine with me.” It wasn’t, but he’d tied his own hands three years ago when he’d left.

  “Well, lucky for you, he seems to have had a change of heart.” Zack nodded beyond Eli, causing him to turn around to see.

  There was Devan, dressed in his uniform and looking around like a lost child.

  “Shit.” Eli stood, but his feet refused to take him toward the man he still loved more than anything in the world.

  Devan wasn’t in horrible shape, but he wasn’t one to do much beyond the occasional run. He certainly had never understood what drove Eli to push his body to its limit. Standing there, looking tired from what must have been a long day, Devan was more fish out of water than anyone else who’d come to Ringside over the years.

  “Are you going to go see him?” Zack took his seat behind his desk and pointedly looked at his computer screen. “I’m sure he won’t stay long if he doesn’t see you.”

  With a huff, Eli forced himself to move. The moment he stepped out of the office, Devan’s gaze snapped to him. He’d always been able to do that: find him when he wanted. It didn’t matter if they’d been separated in a massive crowd, it wouldn’t take Devan long to locate him. It was one of the first things about him that Eli had fallen in love with. He waited until he was standing right in front of Devan before he gave him a small smile. “Hey. I’m surprised to see you.”

  A blush covered Devan’s cheeks. “Honestly, I’m surprised I’m here.”

  “Is there something wrong? Is Matthew okay?”

  Devan smiled. “The little terror is fine. And is now sporting a brand-new front tooth. Looks adorable.” Devan whipped out his phone and showed the picture of Matthew and a stuffed animal on his home screen. “Look at that face.”

  Eli’s heart melted at the sight of him. “He’s sweet.”

  “I also realized when I was here the other day that I really need to spend some more time looking after myself. It’s so easy to make everything about him. I thought it might be fun to sign up for the gym. Work off some of my work stress.” Devan looked around, his eyes landing on the ring. “Not sure this is the right place for me though.”

  “Lots of opportunity for beginners. Zack is hiring some personal trainers. He can make some recommendations.” Eli braced his hands on his hips. “I can train you if you’d like.”

  Devan’s eyes widened. “Ah, really?”

  Eli shrugged. “Only if you want. I’m pretty good at what I do, and I won’t charge you, either. So you get the best of both worlds.”

  “I’m not sure.”

  The kid who’d been mimicking his moves earlier was now watching their exchange intently. “Let’s go someplace private and we can talk.”

  The yoga studio that Nolan was working so hard to get open was currently empty. Another few weeks and everything would be in place for classes to start, and Eli had no doubt they’d be full. For now, the room made the perfect place for them to have a private conversation.

  Eli was hyperaware of every move Devan made. Devan clutched the strap of his duffel bag, as though it were some sort of lifeline. Maybe it was. Devan had always kept his discomfort hidden from the world, from Eli. It was as though he never wanted to burden others with his problems; he’d been hardwired to take care of everyone else and put himself second.

  The door to the yoga room was open, but there were currently no workers inside. Ushering Devan in, Eli shut the door. “We can talk here.”

  Devan walked into the room, his gaze passing over everything. “Not quite what I’d expected at a boxing gym.”

  “It’s a great way to build core strength with no impact. It was Nolan’s idea.” When Devan frowned at him, Eli clarified, “Zack’s partner.”

  Devan gaped. “Wait, Zack I’m the boss don’t fuck with me Anderson has a boyfriend?”

  “They’re living together.”

  Devan laughed. “No way. I absolutely need to meet this guy. I never thought anyone would be able to tolerate Zack’s moods. Wait, was he the guy at the door on the day you were signing autographs?”

  “That’s him. I think he’s off today, or else I’d introduce you. Well, I haven’t seen him since I got here a few hours ago.” Eli pressed his back to the closest mirror and enjoyed the privilege of being able to simply watch Devan. “I’m still a bit surprised that you’re here.”

  Adjusting his duffel bag on his shoulder, Devan’s gaze flicked from Eli’s to a spot over his shoulder and back. “I . . . I tried a few times to text you, but everything I wrote sounded juvenile. I wanted to see how you were making out with the training.”

  Eli frowned. “I’m good.”

  With a shake of his head, Devan set his duffel bag on the floor and walked over to him. “You look tired. I know I don’t know much about MMA fights, but three weeks isn’t a lot of time to train.” Devan crossed his arms, and cocked his head to the side. “I hate to see you pushing yourself too hard.”

  It wasn’t what he’d expected to hear, the concern and caring. Suddenly, the urge to leave the room pressed against him. “I’m
fine. Caulfield won’t know what hit him.”

  Devan was only half a foot away, maybe less. His small frame was no match for Eli; he could be easily moved aside if Eli wanted to escape. But there was something about the worry in Devan’s eyes that kept him nailed to his spot. No one else had ever looked at him that way. Not the doctors and trainers who were supposed to care for him.

  “Do you have anyone caring for you?” Devan lifted his hand, as though he were going to touch Eli. But as suddenly as he moved, he let it fall back to his side.

  It was that single halted gesture that caused the tension building inside Eli to snap. Before he questioned what he was doing, he reached out, took Devan by the shoulders, and spun him so he was now pressed against the mirror. With his breath coming out in short pants, Eli glanced down into Devan’s surprised gaze. He slowly moved his hands from Devan’s shoulders to the mirror, bracketing his head.

  “Why do you care?” Eli wanted desperately to kiss him. Wanted to know if his mouth still tasted of coffee and cream. Wanted to hear that little moan Devan always made when he was trying to hold back his arousal and failing.

  “I don’t know.” Devan’s tongue darted across his bottom lip. “I should leave.”

  Eli let his arm closest to the door drop from the mirror. “I’m not stopping you. Go.”

  Devan didn’t move.

  Nothing else mattered in that moment: not their past, not the idea that Matthew might be his son, not the ache in his heart. All that mattered was him, Devan, and the fact that he was going to kiss Devan.

  Leaning forward slowly so Devan would know what he was doing, he lowered his mouth. At the last second Devan turned his face away, and Eli’s lips landed on the side of his neck. That was fine.

  The little bite was gentle enough not to leave much of a mark. Devan gasped, but didn’t pull away. Eli then ran his tongue up the side of his neck, the familiar taste of Devan’s skin after a hard day at work stirring long-forgotten memories. When he slid the tip of his tongue over Devan’s pulse point, he could feel the thudding of blood racing.