Making It

by Christine d'Abo

  “Let me kiss you.” Eli spoke the words on Devan’s skin. He wanted to pull Devan against him, feel Devan’s body on his. The few inches that separated them might as well be a mile for all the satisfaction it gave him.

  “Eli . . . I . . .”

  “I’ll let you go if that’s what you want. But, right now, the only thing I can think of is kissing you. I can’t get it out of my mind.”

  He’d woken up most nights, the fleeting remnants of dreams fading from memory, all of them revolving around Devan. It was a unique kind of torture, knowing that the source of his misery was of his own making. Slowly, he moved closer until their chests, their thighs, were pressed together.

  Devan sighed before turning his face to Eli’s. “This doesn’t change anything. I still haven’t forgiven you.”

  “Yup.” Eli brushed his mouth against Devan’s, trying and failing to keep his eyes opened. “I’ll work on that.”

  The kiss was soft and hard all at once. Devan’s lips were smooth, a contrast to Eli’s. He reached up and cupped Devan’s cheek, enjoying the light prickle of stubble that had formed. Devan tensed beneath him, so Eli deepened the kiss until he relaxed once more.

  Passion, something Eli hadn’t felt with any other man, sparked to life inside him. Like the furnace being turned on in a long-cold house, something warmed up deep inside his chest.

  Devan moaned softly as he slid his hand up Eli’s arm. The skin-on-skin contact sent a wave a lust rolling through him, and without thinking, Eli pressed his thickening cock against Devan.

  That was the moment when reality decided to rear its ugly head. It came in the form of Grady Barnes.

  “Oh shit. I didn’t know anyone was in here.”

  Devan jerked away from Eli, his face flushed and his eyes wide. He pushed at Eli, giving him no choice but to step away. Eli sighed. “Grady.” Little shit.

  It took a moment for Devan to straighten up and adjust his uniform. “Ah. Hi.”

  Eli didn’t know Grady well. Aside from that time at the bar, he’d only spoken with him a few times at the gym, mostly because he was dating Max. He was a nice enough guy, but more of a player than Eli usually bothered with. Devan looked at Grady for a moment before slapping his hand over his mouth. “Oh my God, you’re Grady Barnes.”

  Whenever anyone recognized Grady, he preened. “I am, handsome.” He sauntered over and held out his hand. “Max tells me I’m not allowed to flirt with his friends anymore, but I can’t help it sometimes.” He winked at Eli. “And who might you be?”

  “Devan. Devan Walsh.” He shook Grady’s hand, but suddenly went awkward. “I’m Eli’s ex-husband.”

  Grady cocked an eyebrow as he looked between them. “Right. Well, I clearly interrupted something, so I’ll leave you to it.”

  Devan stepped away, making a beeline for his duffel bag. “I need to get going. My babysitter is expecting me.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  Eli started to move, but Devan shook his head. “No. But if you can let Zack know that I want a membership, I’d appreciate it.”

  He wasn’t going to disappear on him; Devan would be here. “Sure.”

  The look Grady shot Eli was nothing short of a silent Dude, you have some explaining to do. “I’ll walk you out. I came up here to grab a paper the contractor left by mistake.” Getting what he came for, he led Devan to the door.

  Eli watched, wanting nothing more than to race after him, but knowing it would do him no good. “Can I text you later?”

  Devan hesitated at the door before nodding. “After seven. That’s when Matthew goes down.”

  It wasn’t much, but it gave Eli hope. “I’ll talk to you then.”

  Standing alone in the empty yoga studio, for the first time in a long while, Eli felt a ray of hope.

  Matthew was a very unhappy baby. This in itself wasn’t anything abnormal these days, but Devan couldn’t focus on anything but him when there was a problem. Eli had sent him a text twenty minutes ago, one that he’d read but in no way had time to answer. Currently, Matthew was chewing a no-longer-cold teething ring while clutching Mr. Fuzzy’s floppy ear in his other hand.

  Devan fell back onto the couch and stared down at his son. If someone had told him how soul draining it was to be a single parent, he might have reconsidered. Thankfully, his ignorance had been firmly in place. No matter how tired he got, or frustrated he was, Matthew was the one thing in the world he wanted more than anything.

  Except, perhaps, a nap. He’d kill for a nap.

  And maybe some ice cream.

  His phone buzzed again from where it had slipped between the cushions on the couch. It took a minute to rescue it from its prison, though it came out covered in Cheerio crumbs. Eli’s name was on his home screen indicator. It was weird how dueling feelings of dread and excitement swirled inside him. His logical side and his romantic side at complete odds over what to do.

  Eli was an asshole.

  There was no doubt in Devan’s mind that his husband—ex-husband—person who’d broken his heart had changed from the cold, distant man he’d been before he left. Back when they’d first started dating, Eli was the typical tough guy, the person no one would dare mess with. Not that they went out on the town very often. Eli stayed in the closet, and Devan couldn’t imagine he’d come out anytime soon. Not with his career so close to exploding. He was hard and unwavering when he got something in his head.

  Eli was also one of the sweetest people Devan had ever met.

  That was the man he’d fallen in love with. The man he’d run into at a blood drive and hadn’t been able to take his eyes off. The man who’d been downright shy when asking if Devan had anyone special in his life. Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Their whirlwind, but mostly private, courtship that had quickly turned passionate.

  That was the Eli he wanted back.

  Matthew let out a sound that could have passed for either a moan or a sigh before dropping his head forward onto his blanket. With his butt in the air, he closed his eyes, and the apartment went quiet.

  Devan smiled, and the tension bled from his muscles. He turned on his phone and once again read the messages from Eli.

  I wanted to say that I’m sorry for kissing you earlier.

  I wanted to say it, but it would be lying.

  How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? It wasn’t until he read the third message that Devan’s heart pounded.

  I dream about you.

  His thumbs hovered over the keyboard, but his mind was a total blank on what to say. No matter what happened going forward, Devan wouldn’t forget about the past, about what Eli had done to him. He wanted this, but he didn’t want to ever be in that position of heartbreak ever again. Fool me once, shame on you . . .

  With a glance at Matthew’s sleeping face, Devan thumbed hi.

  Eli’s response came quickly. Everything ok?

  Teething is a bitch. I got your texts.

  And?

  Devan sighed. And I can’t forget about what happened 3 yrs ago. Too much @ stake.

  The pause was a lot longer this time, and for a moment, Devan wasn’t sure Eli would respond. Eventually a simple oh came back.

  Shit, that hadn’t come across right. I mean if we r going to do whatever this is, things will have to b different. I need 2 b able to trust u.

  Eli’s response came much faster. Yeah. I know.

  There will have to be rules.

  I can follow rules.

  R u sure? The Eli he remembered had always loved pushing the boundaries of everything in his life.

  I am. What’s the 1st one?

  Devan hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. But now that he did, there were things that he knew needed to be said. This is only you and me. Matthew is off-limits. Don’t want him to get used to you if you leave. He didn’t bother to say again.

  Agreed.

  Now that Devan’s brain had kick-started, the list of things he wanted to protect himself from was far too long. Better to play
things simple and smart.

  Rule 2. I can call things off at any time. If I don’t like where things are headed, I’m out.

  Agreed.

  Rule 3. Whatever this is, given what’s happened in the past, I can’t be exclusive. I’m free to date other men and so are you.

  A pause. Agreed.

  Devan huffed as he wiggled deeper into the cushions. That had been way easier than he’d thought. Not because he wanted to establish a bunch of hoops for Eli to jump through, but because he figured there’d be some pushback. Maybe Eli really wanted to try being a couple again.

  Maybe.

  Or maybe things would end up being exactly as they were before.

  That was why he didn’t want to have Eli around Matthew. Not because Matthew would necessarily form a bond with Eli and would be heartbroken if he was no longer there—though knowing his son, he probably would—but because Devan didn’t think he’d be able to bear seeing the two of them together. The thought that Eli might fit neatly back into his little family, that Eli would slip easily into the role that he’d so casually discarded, and then potentially walk away again? No, that wasn’t something Devan would allow.

  But a date? Something on his own terms? Well, he’d be willing to give that a shot.

  Eli hadn’t said anything for a few minutes, and Devan was curious what he was doing. With a quick glance at Matthew, he pressed the phone button and dialed Eli.

  “I thought you couldn’t talk?” No hello or any other pleasantry. Typical.

  “The Tylenol has kicked in, and he’s fallen asleep. As long as I talk quietly, it should be good.” There was an odd scraping sound coming from the receiver. “What’s that noise?”

  “I’m crack filling the kitchen. I wanted to get it done tonight so I could sand it down tomorrow after training.”

  “You don’t know how to stop, do you?”

  “It’s too quiet in this house, and I can’t sit still.”

  Eli had always been a doer. While Devan loved cooking and puttering around the house, there hadn’t been much for him to finish by the time he’d get back from a shift at the clinic. If Eli was home, everything would be cleaned, organized, and meals made. It was one of the many things he missed about him. “How’s your mom doing?”

  “Good. I saw her yesterday, and we went out for a walk in the park area. I swear some days she knows exactly who I am. But there are lots where she doesn’t.”

  Devan could hear the heartbreak in Eli’s voice. “I’m sorry you’re going through that. If you ever need company to go with you—”

  “Thanks.” Eli’s voice shook as he spoke, forcing him to clear his throat. More scraping and a thunk echoed through the receiver. “How about tomorrow night?”

  “For what?”

  “Our next date.”

  He’d made Rule 3 for a very specific reason. But that didn’t make this any easier for him to say. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I already have a date.”

  When the girls at the clinic had heard that Eli was back and trying to win Devan over, they’d gone into an uproar. Surrounded by five peeved women who demanded that he get online and arrange a date with anyone but Eli was an experience he never hoped to relive. However, they did make an excellent point. “I haven’t dated anyone since you left. I need to give myself options. I need to get back out there and see what I’ve been missing.” I need to see if I can fall in love with anyone other than you. “I would hope you can appreciate that.”

  Eli didn’t say anything. He was still there—his heavy breathing gave him away. No doubt he was trying to process everything Devan had said.

  “I won’t be able to get another babysitter until next week. We can go out to dinner then if you’d like.”

  A huff echoed through the receiver. “Sure. It will give me time to practice. As much as I’d like to use you as an excuse, I don’t have a lot of spare time to train.”

  Devan couldn’t help being pleased at the annoyance in Eli’s voice. “Don’t push yourself too hard.”

  “I better go.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  When Eli hung up, Devan smiled. Yes, there was a part of him that wanted to go on this date tomorrow night, wanted to see if he’d feel that same spark that always ignited when he looked at Eli. But there was a larger part that was happy to simply make Eli squirm. Eli had been cruel, the way he’d walked out of his life, so the least Devan could do was show Eli that he couldn’t simply return and expect Devan to do cartwheels and invite him back.

  No, it would do Eli good to suffer a bit.

  His phone buzzed, and Devan flipped it over to see if Eli had texted him again. This time the message was from Meg. Josh & I having people over on the weekend. U & M want to come?

  Shit, he hadn’t said anything to Meg about what had happened with Eli. No doubt this was her way to get him to talk to her.

  M’s teething. Probably not a good idea.

  Poor baby. How R things?

  Good. Date tomorrow.

  Really?? Awesome!

  Date next week with Eli . . .

  His phone rang. Meg started talking as soon as he picked up. “You’re going out with that asshole? Hon, why?”

  Devan sighed. “He’s signed the papers. Apparently, his manager had been the one blocking communication between us.”

  “That smells like a lot of bullshit. Fuck him. Are you going out with him tomorrow too?”

  “No, that’s a dating app thing. Girls at work forced me.”

  “Good.” He could practically hear Meg biting her nails. “You should walk away from Eli.”

  “I know.”

  “But you won’t.”

  He sighed again. “I can’t really explain it, but he’s different. He’s still Eli, but . . . I don’t know. When he saw Matthew—”

  “You let him see Mattie?” The horror in her voice was clear.

  “It’s a long story, but yes, he knows about Matthew. I swear something changed in him when he saw the baby. I . . . I want to give this one more try.”

  “You’re insane.”

  “Maybe. But he’s willing to follow my lead. I guess I want a chance to see if this will go anywhere. If it fails, then I have Matthew and my life is complete.”

  “Liar. Please be careful. I don’t know if either of us could handle you going through another breakup like last time.”

  “I promise I will. If I decide that I want Eli again, he’s going to have to work to prove himself to me.”

  He didn’t need to see Meg’s face to know she wasn’t happy with him. “I better go. Josh wanted to watch a movie.”

  “Okay. I’ll keep you in the loop.”

  Matthew flopped over onto his side, which was pretty much his indicator that he was out for the night now. Ignoring the ache in his back and the questions spinning in his brain, Devan got up and put his son to bed.

  Eli knew what he was doing crossed all sorts of boundaries. It made him an asshole at best and a stalker at worst. Still, he knew Devan better than the man probably knew himself, which was why it wasn’t too difficult to figure out what restaurant he would have suggested for a first date.

  It was, in fact, where they’d gone on their own first date years ago.

  The bar gave him perfect line of sight to watch Devan and the man who’d shown up twenty minutes ago. He was tall, dark-haired, and muscular—exactly the type of man who Devan always gravitated toward. Eli disliked him immediately.

  Devan had his back to him, which made his spying easier. No doubt he would have spotted Eli within moments if he were facing the other way. And that would have caused a scene that he would have regretted.

  The entire trip to the restaurant, Eli had tried to convince himself that this was only for his own peace of mind. Devan had the right to date whomever he wanted, and Eli certainly didn’t have a say. But the thought of any man getting close to him made Eli want to punch something hard. Not exactly the expected reactio
n of a man who wanted nothing to do with Devan or his ideas of having a family.

  He hoped seeing Devan on a date would be enough to help cull this crazy obsession that he was forming with his ex. It wasn’t fair to Devan, and it was a distraction that Eli could ill afford right now. So he’d made a deal with himself—come in and check on Devan while he had one drink, and then he had to leave.

  That had been two drinks ago.

  Given that they weren’t alcoholic, he couldn’t claim the satisfaction of having a buzz.

  The man sitting across from Devan was smiling and leaning forward, arms braced on the table. Their appetizers had arrived, though it seemed only Devan was eating them. The man’s arms were waving around as though he was explaining something exciting, and Devan was nodding at regular intervals.

  It didn’t take Eli long to guess that whatever the man was saying, Devan was bored stiff. It was the same motion he’d use whenever someone cornered him at a party and he was trying to be polite. Eli had only been on the receiving end of that once during their second official date. He’d quickly changed the topic from fight schedules to current movies. Devan’s relief had been obvious, and Eli never made that mistake again.

  Eli had always been pretty good at reading others’ tells, and that was Devan’s big one. If they’d still been together, this would be about the time Devan would start to look around for him and give him the look to come rescue his ass. Eli would have gone over, wrapped his arm around Devan’s shoulders, and whispered something dirty in his ear. That was normally enough to give whoever he’d been talking to a clear message that Devan was about to leave.

  Too bad he couldn’t do that tonight.

  The bartender came over and wiped the bar in front of Eli. “Can I get you another club soda?” There was a hint of amusement in his voice. “Or would you like something else?”

  “Another.” Eli tossed down a twenty. “Keep the change.”