The Power of Salvation

by Passarelli, Caterina

  Luke broke down walls I never thought would fall.

  I found out my parents—even though they didn’t do anything to soothe my worries—tried in their own fucked up way to fix a horrific situation.

  My father took his last breath.

  My family tree is ending.

  Do I want to create a family with Luke?

  “I don’t know,” I say.

  Luke and Lisa both look at me with stares as if to say ‘that’s all you can come up with?’—but for completely different reasons. Luke’s look is out of shock that we are even talking about this and for the fact that I didn’t come right out and say ‘no.’ Lisa’s is for the fact that as a woman I’m not fighting for my precious baby.

  Great, now the baby has become ‘mine.’

  Oscar jumps out of Luke’s lap and dashes towards the kitchen in a panic. All three of us jump up too and follow behind him. He’s crying so loudly and looking around frantically.

  “He has to use the bathroom!” I shout at Luke who picks up Oscar and dashes towards the balcony. But he’s just a moment too late. Luke turns around and his blue shirt is covered in dog pee—poor little Oscar is looking up at him with apologetic puppy dog eyes.

  “First garbage, now piss. You are really pushing me to my limits little guy,” Luke laughs as he puts Oscar down and then strips off his shirt. It’s a sight I’ll never get tired of: Luke’s rock hard muscles covered in badass tattoos.

  “Did you get more ink from the last time I saw you?” Lisa asks.

  “Maybe,” Luke laughs as he leaves the room to get rid of the dirty shirt.

  I didn’t know Luke wasn’t done getting tattoos. I didn’t even realize there was any empty space on his arms.

  “I’ll let it go that you didn’t tell the truth about the baby question,” Lisa smirks at me, “but we can revisit that topic at another time. Let’s move on to something more recent … have you seen your billboard?”

  I completely forgot about the billboard. I never mentioned it to Luke to get his thoughts. Has he seen it? That’s a dumb question—he must have seen it; it’s for his company.

  “Yes, I’ve seen it alright.”

  “That’s all you’re going to give me? You are the worst at answering questions today,” Lisa says playfully shoving my arm.

  “Hey! Keep your hands off my girlfriend,” Luke says, reentering the room in a clean shirt. “What the hell are you guys talking about now? I seem to miss all the good stuff.”

  “We were just talking about your billboard,” Lisa exclaims.

  “Oh shit. Ariana, we never talked about the billboard. Have you seen it? Are you okay with it? I mean it was a little…”

  Lisa interrupts him to shout, “Passionate! Beautiful! Sexy! That is the most talked about advertisement we have ever done as a company and it’s been all the rage online. We even got a call from a fashion house in Italy to ask about our models.”

  I start playing tug-of-war with Oscar to avoid this conversation as much as possible. Yes, I agree it was passionate and beautiful, but I’m still not sure I’m fully okay with the world seeing us that way. So intimate. So in the moment. So raw. How stupid were we to forget that there were fucking cameras there.

  “I hope you told them to fuck off,” Luke says.

  “Yes, I told them our models were exclusive to Vulcano Vodka,” she says, winking, “but that made you two an even hotter commodity. We get calls daily. I think we’ll have to make an automated message to field all the calls … unless you two decide you want to change your careers?”

  “Ha-ha. You should change yours to comedian,” I tease. If I changed my career to model I’d stress every day about everything—from the outfit choices to where I’ll be touched and by whom. No thank you.

  “Alright you two lovebirds, I’m outta here,” Lisa says. Luke follows to let her out, but not before I catch her trying to sneak Oscar into her giant black Chanel bag.

  “Put that dog back!” I say, laughing at this ridiculous sight before my eyes.

  “Whatever. I had to try,” she says, putting Oscar back on the ground. “I’ll be back for you baby boo.”

  “If I catch you stealing that dog,” I throw an evil glare her way, “you can read my mind so you already know what I’d do to you.”

  Lisa laughs and Luke looks majorly confused.

  “Read her mind?” he asks to no one in particular. Good thing because we both ignore him.

  Life with a puppy sure is fun … and extremely stressful. Luke and I have made an unspoken pact between us that we want to give this little pup the best life imaginable. This means daily walks around the dog parks, constant trips to the balcony as we potty train, cleaning up accidents when we don’t quite make it, playing tug-of-war, going to puppy obedience classes, and staying up-to-date with all his vet visits.

  Oscar even eats better than us with his all-natural food and treats. But I wouldn’t have it any other way; he won over my heart the minute my eyes locked onto his when Luke handed him to me from that dumpster.

  “You plan to do your rounds, resident?” Ben asks, walking up behind me as I pretend to read the medical chart I’ve been holding for the last five minutes, looking at the same words over and over again. “I’m not going to overlook that you’ve been holding that same chart for ever now.”

  He’s right. I’ve been all about Oscar since the minute we’ve got him and I need to pay attention better at the hospital. I only have two weeks left of my residency and then it’s all over.

  What the fuck am I going to do if I don’t get a job right away?

  Don’t think like that. What you think about you attract.

  Where the fuck did that thought come from? Serena needs to stop playing those Law of Attraction podcasts before bed because she’s seriously messing with my mojo.

  “All available hands on deck!” Chief Pitters shouts as a slew of stretchers roll through the automatic doors of the E.R. “We’ve got a drive-by and at least ten bodies on their way in.”

  And just like that, for the next few hours, there are no thoughts of Oscar or Luke. It’s all about checking vitals, giving stitches, removing a bullet from a thigh, and talking to nervous parents. The drive-by consisted of ten gang members who all happen to be teenagers. When you see 14, 15, or even 16 year olds in hospital beds you forget they are gang members and see them for the scared kids they become.

  In a moment of calm after the crazy storm, I find myself in a packed staff room.

  “This night was insane,” Rachel, a fellow resident, says before plopping down on a couch. This lumpy green couch looks like it’s been here since the hospital came about many, many years ago, but it’s extremely comfortable and we all gravitate towards it. If this couch could talk it would have some wild stories I’m sure.

  I wonder if anyone has had sex on it?

  Oh hell no. Get that thought out of my mind right now.

  “Residents. Who is graduating this semester?” Dr. Horton asks.

  All four of our hands shoot up in the air as if we’ve been electrocuted. You’d be an idiot if you didn’t let the rest of the staff know that you are soon to be out the doors—so they can vouch for why you deserve to work there.

  “Anyone planning to apply here?” nurse Katie asks before she slowly eyes all of us.

  No one comes right out and says ‘yes’—instead we nod and make weird noises. They must feel like they are suddenly in the hot seat, like I do.

  “Alright guys. It’s been a great evening but I’m outta here,” I laugh, throwing up a peace sign as I quickly walk to the door before anyone can ask me to stay. I’ve already been here two hours longer than scheduled, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to leave when the team needed me.

  Walking towards the curb I smile seeing my man waiting for me. It’s comforting knowing he’ll be there—even when he has to wait much longer than expected. I kiss him before jumping into the backseat where I’m greeted by a happy Oscar.

  “He
fell asleep waiting for you. He’s going to be full of energy now,” Luke says, laughing as he takes the seat beside me. With Ryan behind the wheel we head home.

  Home.

  We haven’t had a conversation about his place becoming our place but I haven’t slept a night in my apartment since Oscar joined our family—nearly two weeks. I want to bring up the topic, but I’m nervous he doesn’t think officially moving in together is a good idea. He’ll have some kind of logical reasoning why I should continue to have my own place. The whole thing will be embarrassing and make me feel terrible. I’m not ready for that.

  Let’s get through the residency first.

  I can continue to live in Serena’s apartment for at least another year because that’s how much time she has before she completes her master’s. Unless she wants to move in with Jack. I never thought about that. Serena could be having the same kind of battle about moving in with her man that I’m having. Well, hers would be different. At least she knows how Jack feels about her and their relationship. Jack surely didn’t call everything off to then show up when she was having an extremely low moment in her life to tell her the saddest story ever. I need to talk to Serena, stat.

  As a couple, Luke and I have worked through so much but there’s still more to be dealt with. I know why Luke ended our relationship the night he fought with Drake. And him showing up when my dad died made everything so much easier to handle than if I were alone. But I don’t believe Luke is convinced he’s not just like his father. I know wholeheartedly he’s not like that vile man, but I’m not sure my belief in him is what he needs to feel secure.

  Could another moment come when he’s confronted with jealously and he explodes? Does pure rage boil deep within his blood waiting for a chance to come out?

  “You okay?” Luke asks, taking my hand in his before bringing it to his lips to place a kiss.

  “Yes,” the answer leaves my mouth entirely too fast for either one of us to believe it’s the truth. Luke raises his eyebrow at Oscar as if to question my lie. “Yes, I’m okay.”

  Relaxing into the seat, I realize I was basically on the edge in a state of panic for most of this ride. The change in my body language must be the answer Luke needs as he drops the topic. Little Oscar is back to wagging his tail after falling asleep during the ride yet again.

  I can’t get over how much puppies sleep. I wish I had their life.

  Chapter thirty

  My residency is complete. I can’t believe it. Those four long years passed by in a blink of an eye.

  Tonight, Serena and Luke are taking me out to dinner to celebrate my accomplishment. My cheering squad. I wouldn’t have made it to this point without their support.

  Standing in front of my bedroom mirror, I study my navy blue dress and stilettos Serena convinced me to wear. She says tonight is a night to get dolled up—I’m not going to fight her on it because this outfit is screaming ‘hot librarian’ and I hope Luke likes it too.

  There are a few minutes before Luke gets here and I take time to reflect on how far I’ve come in life.

  Growing up as a little girl at the beach, making sand castles with dad while mom sunned herself on her beach towel nearby.

  Singing in the elementary choir while my parents watched me.

  To the Christmas that changed my world.

  Instead of seeing that traumatic night as a heavy black cloud looming in my past, I see it for the first time with a new set of eyes. Not the eyes of a victim but the eyes of a guardian angel floating above, looking down on a little girl who did nothing wrong but is seeing the ugly truth that is the world. Feeling a strong sense to make that little girl proud and to guard her fiercely—that’s what I’ve done all these years. I kept her guarded for so long but I went too far. Guarding her from friendships, life experiences, and even relationships with good, kind men—I did that too. Until one man bravely fought his way through my thick barrier making his way into my heart.

  Luke.

  From the moment I ran out of the hotel bar after watching a waitress throw herself at him. To letting him touch me. To the most romantic date I’ve ever been on at the Willis Tower, where we shared our first kiss. Then opening up about the truth I kept locked away.

  It feels like a lifetime ago—in reality it was just months. The flashback quickly comes to an end when there’s a knock at the door. Time to party! In the living room I find Luke and Serena with flowers and balloons.

  “Congratulations Dr. Bellisano!” Serena shouts before throwing her arms around me into a giant bear hug, a hug so big she lifts me off the floor.

  “Are you crazy? Put me down!” I try to shout, but I laugh at how ridiculous we must look. My tall model-looking friend lifting me into the air like a powerlifter.

  “Are you kidding me? I am not crazy. I’m so proud of you!” Serena exclaims. When she finally puts me down, I lock eyes with Luke who smiles so wide I know without him even saying it, he’s proud too.

  “I’d love to play doctor with you,” Luke whispers into my ear as he hugs me. “I’m proud of you but not surprised one bit. You are the hardest working person I know.”

  Coming from a man who I would say is the hardest working person I know, this is a huge compliment.

  “Ariana.” I turn from Luke’s embrace towards a voice I never expected to be walking through the front door of our apartment.

  “Mom,” I gasp in shock.

  “Ariana, congratulations on your graduation,” mom says as she hands me a white envelope that I fumble with before putting onto the counter. It’s extremely awkward for me to open gifts in front of other people, and mom would say it’s rude if I did.

  “Thanks,” I mumble clearly confused by her presence.

  How the hell did she know I finished up my residency? I surely didn’t tell her; I didn’t want to bother her especially with how we ended things after dad’s funeral. I flew back to Chicago and we haven’t spoken to each other since.

  “Thank you for inviting me,” she says towards Luke, as we both glance at him.

  Luke invited her? And, more importantly, she showed up? Why?

  “Of course,” Luke nods in her direction. It’s not a warm ‘of course’ but more of a pleasantry to keep the peace.

  “Hi, I’m Serena. Your daughter’s best friend,” Serena says, extending her hand towards my mom. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Mom shakes her hand, looking Serena up and down, before smiling to greet her, “I’m Diane Bellisano. Nice to meet you too.”

  Nice to meet her too? This woman knows how to smile? How the hell did an alien get inside of my mom’s body and make her way to my celebration dinner?

  Looks like mom approves of Serena, which makes me happy I guess. As I stand looking at my boyfriend and best friend, I feel how protective I am of them. These are my people. My world. My everything. I want everyone to see what I see in them—the love and happiness they bring into my life. Truly, I’d do anything for these two.

  “Let’s go, we have reservations,” Serena herds us out of the door like cattle.

  The Chop House is a few blocks from our apartment so there’s no point in using the Driver app. We hit the streets and walk.

  Luke slips his arm through mine with mom and Serena in front of us making small talk like old pals. I remind myself to thank Serena later for keeping my mom occupied. She knows we have an extremely rocky relationship and it can be hard to talk to her at times.

  Do other people ever feel that way with their mothers? I sure hope so.

  Looking down at the handsome hand intertwined in mine, I understand it’s easy to bitch about my mom and our relationship but I bet Luke would do anything to trade places with me.

  To have a mom in his life.

  He’s an orphan.

  No parents to show up at his special events, no one to cheer him on, no shoulders to lean on, no one to be proud of him for all his success, no one to watch how he treats the people he loves. No nothing. The impact of that hasn’t hit me unt
il this very moment.

  I gasp for air, feeling like I’m suddenly suffocating.

  How selfish am I? At least I have one parent in my life I can complain about; he has none. And he didn’t lose a parent to a sudden health issue, like dad’s heart attack. He lost his parents because one acted like a coward and took the life of the other away from him. Suicide didn’t take away Luke’s dad’s pain; it just passed it along for his children to carry.

  His kindhearted, hardworking children who make everyone around them feel special. They carry the weight of their father’s horrific act, leaving them alone in the aftermath of the chaos. Three kids turned in to invisible fosters who needed to fight for themselves.

  Luke doesn’t need to tell me with words how much his mom meant to him. His love is displayed on his arms in his tattoos. His angel. Her name is on his arm and her portrait. His arms are reflections of the love he has for his family and the struggles he’s worked through to get to where he is today.

  A beautiful tribute for the woman he lost.

  And the woman who is here for him? Me. I am vowing to myself to be that person for him—the one to show up at his events, his shoulder to lean on, the person to brag about all his success, and the one to love him.

  Squeezing his hand a little tighter I look up to meet his hazel eyes. He cocks his head to the side as if to silently ask me what’s going on.

  “I love you,” I whisper. “And I’m proud of you. And even though I’ll never have the honor of knowing her, I know your mom would be proud of the man you are.”

  Luke looks at me with wide eyes, and for just a moment I’m nervous that I overstepped my boundaries with him. We haven’t spoken about his parents after the day he confessed their fates to me.

  Then Luke smiles, “Thank you for saying that, Ariana. I love you too.”

  Luke leans in to cup my chin in his hand before planting a sweet kiss on my lips.

  Hearing a little gasp, I turn towards my mom and Serena—who are both staring intently at us with their jaws dropped. Caught up in my own head with worries of Luke, I completely forgot they were with us or where we were walking. Clearly, they saw the entire lovey dovey exchange or else Serena wouldn’t have that goofy look on her face.