Some Hearts

by Meg Jolie

  “I know better than to ask about your dad,” Caleb grumbled.

  He was right. Dad had made it clear that he had no time in his life for us. That was back when things were supposedly “good.” If he couldn’t handle family life at a time when things were going smoothly, there was no way he’d handle it now when it was such a mess.

  Besides, what would he do? Take Tyler to live with him? That wasn’t even a possibility. Not with his job. He’d made no attempts to see us since he left. I knew better than to think he’d man up now. We all knew that Evan had been his favorite. And now Evan was gone. Some part of me realized it was probably easier for him to stay away. We were nothing more than an unpleasant reminder of his loss.

  “What about your dad’s family?”

  “Seriously? Caleb. I barely know them. They live on the other side of the country. I would never go to them about this.”

  “There’s got to be somebody you can turn to,” Caleb said.

  I shrugged because I didn’t have a good answer for that.

  “How about Noah’s family? You two have been together forever. Your moms are friends right? Maybe Noah’s mom could help somehow.”

  I shook my head frantically. “Noah doesn’t know.”

  “What do you mean he doesn’t know?”

  “I mean it exactly the way it sounds. Noah doesn’t know.”

  “Why the hell not?” He turned to me and crossed his arms over his chest.

  I stared back at him defiantly. This was none of Caleb’s business.

  I hadn’t told Noah because I was already the girl whose dad walked out on his family. The girls whose brother died in a tragic accident. The girl whose grades dropped to embarrassing levels. The girl who couldn’t go off to college with her boyfriend because the university didn’t think she could cut it.

  Wasn’t all of that humiliating enough?

  Did I really want to add girl whose mom is an alcoholic to that list?

  No. I didn’t.

  I knew Noah would be here for me, dealing with Mom too. But that didn’t seem fair to him. I felt like I was always taking, never giving. It made me feel weak and needy.

  This one thing, I should be able to handle it on my own.

  I realized that Caleb was still waiting for an answer.

  “This is the one thing,” I said, “that I just can’t talk to him about.”

  “Then my offer stands. You need help, you call me. You decide you want to talk to your mom, I’ll be there. If you want me to be. I mean, I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. But I’m not going to leave you hanging, either. Got it?”

  “Thanks,” I answered in a creaky sounding voice.

  “Come here,” he said. He pulled me into a hug. It felt nice, comforting. I sighed into his chest.

  “Damn, Evan,” he said lightly. “He really messed things up. I’d give anything for him to be here right now.”

  “Me too.”

  I felt like crying but this time, I wasn’t going to give into it. I didn’t want to be that selfish. I didn’t want Caleb to have to comfort me when he was so obviously hurting too. Just maybe, by being close to him, I was offering him some comfort too.

  ***

  “How did you sleep?” I asked Mom when she finally wandered into the kitchen the next morning. She had showered but she still had circles under her eyes. It was obvious she was not well rested.

  “I slept okay,” she said as she went for the coffee pot.

  “You can thank Caleb for that,” I said.

  She turned around slowly. She wore a confused look. “I’m sorry?”

  “Caleb. You can thank him. He’s the one that carried you up to bed.” I hadn’t known for sure if I was going to confront her. But Caleb had been right. I wasn’t helping anyone by avoiding the issue. Maybe she didn’t realize how bad things had become. It was possible. She wasn’t conscious for a lot of it, or she was too blitzed to remember a lot of what happened. So maybe she really wasn’t aware.

  “I was really tired last night,” she muttered.

  “No,” I said firmly. “You were really passed out last night. You…you vomited on the floor. So do not try to pretend you were just sleeping. Caleb carried you. He took care of getting Ty to bed. He did that so that I could clean up the mess you made.”

  She turned away from me again. I jumped up from the table, livid that she was ignoring me.

  “Mom!” I cried. “You have a problem! You need to get help.”

  I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. I was surprised to see tears streaming down her face. I had thought she had turned away because she was angry. I hadn’t realized that my words were actually penetrating. Seeing her that way ripped at my heart. I wanted her to change…but I didn’t want her to hurt.

  “Mom,” I said, my tone much softer this time. “I’m so worried about you. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Or to me and Ty!”

  She shook her head at me as she wiped the tears off her cheek with the back of her hand. “You don’t understand Emory. You don’t. You have no idea what I’m going through. You cannot imagine the pain of burying a child.”

  “I don’t understand?” I asked, bewildered. “He was my brother!”

  “I know you loved him. I’m not saying you didn’t. And I’m not saying it’s not hard for you because I know that it is. But he was my child…,” A sob tore out of her throat. She crumpled against the countertop.

  I couldn’t decide if I should comfort her or if I should push ahead with this conversation. It took me a few moments to come to a decision. I’d come this far. If I backed down now, I wasn’t sure I’d manage to scrounge up the courage again.

  “I want you to get help,” I said. “You have to stop drinking. This is no way to live.”

  She lifted her head, her expression was blank. “You don’t get to tell me how to live. Or how I should feel.”

  “I’m telling you that you need help. Drinking is not helping you. It’s not helping any of us. It’s just making things so much worse. Do you even think about how hard this is on me and Ty? What’s going to happen next year when I go to Hudson? Who is going to take care of Tyler? Who is going to take care of you? Do you think he’s old enough to deal with bandaging your hand? Cleaning up broken glass? Do you really want him trying to haul you to bed at night? I don’t! He deserves better than that and so do I.”

  I was frustrated that she didn’t respond to that. But at least she didn’t try to deny it. I pulled in a heaving breathe. For the first time, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to leave next year, even if I did get into Hudson. I’d been fooling myself, thinking she’d pull it together for Tyler. How was I ever going to make that decision? Whether to leave so that Noah and I could be together, or stay to be sure that Tyler was safe.

  Caleb had been right. This needed to be dealt with. I needed to make her see. I just didn’t know how.

  “Do you even care that Evan’s best friend had to carry you upstairs and tuck you in like you’re the child? Do you even care that Tyler has seen you passed out too many times to count? Or that I had to clean up your vomit last night? Do you care that you have a gash on your hand that’s not going to heal properly because it should have had stitches? But you weren’t aware enough to make that decision and I shouldn’t have had to!”

  “Don’t raise your voice at me,” she said quietly.

  I tossed my hands into the air. “Is that all you have to say? I have been taking care of things, taking care of you, for months. And all you have to say to me is that I shouldn’t raise my voice?!” My voice cracked and broke. I swiped my tears away as I waited for her to say something. She remained silent, simply filling her coffee cup.

  “Mom!” She flicked a glance at me. “Do you have any idea what you are doing to me? To Tyler? You may have lost one child, but you have two left. We’re right here! And you act like you don’t care. Like we mean nothing at all.”

  She shook her head at me as more tears streamed down her face. “
I’m a good mother.”

  “You are a good mother,” I agreed but needed to qualify it. “When you want to be. We need more from you.”

  “Maybe I have nothing left to give!” Her face crumpled and tears washed down her face in a river.

  Something in me broke then. Her words weren’t meant to be harsh, but they shattered me anyway.

  I took a step away from her. My voice filled with despair. “I lost my dad. I lost my brother. And you know what? You have become such a walking mess that I feel like I’ve lost my mother too. So thank you, for that!” I stormed out of the kitchen. I swiped my keys off of the hook by the door.

  She didn’t say a word.

  She didn’t come after me.

  And even though I hadn’t expected her to, it still hurt.

  Chapter EIGHT

  When I left my house, I wasn’t sure where to go. I briefly considered dropping by the dorms. A quick glance at my dashboard clock let me know that wouldn’t be a very good idea. Riley had gone out last night so I could say with certainty that she was still sound asleep. I knew she’d be okay with me dropping in, regardless. But it seemed like a selfish thing to do, especially now that she had a roommate.

  At least, that’s what I told myself my excuse was. But it was a lie. I knew I couldn’t show up at her dorm room, upset, without telling her why. She would demand answers and I wasn’t ready to give her any.

  I briefly contemplated going to Caleb’s. He was, after all, the one who had convinced me that Mom needed to be confronted. I decided against it because I felt like I was already relying on him too much lately.

  Instead, I drove around for awhile, music blaring, trying to empty out my head. Eventually, I let my subconscious guide me and I found myself outside of Noah’s grandma’s house. I sat in my car for a few minutes, parked on the curb. I’d visited with Adelaide countless times over the years. She treated me like she was the grandma I never had.

  I’d never been here without Noah, though.

  Adelaide was nearly ninety, widowed, and lived alone. Her eyesight was failing and her hearing wasn’t the best. She hadn’t been allowed to drive for years. I knew she hated depending on other people to take her places so she was home alone more often than not. I knew how incredibly lonely she was because she wasn’t shy about sharing that little snippet. Despite her physical ailments and her age, she seemed to do just fine living on her own. As the saying goes, her mind was sharp as a tack.

  Noah had always stopped by for weekly visits, if not more often. I was sure she had to be even lonelier now, with him away. I decided that was something we had in common.

  I adjusted my rearview mirror so that I could take a peek at my face. I checked for signs of my recent breakdown. My eyes were still a bit red rimmed and puffy. I hoped the effect would be too subtle for Adelaide to pick up on. I got out of my car and made my way up the walk.

  When I rang the bell, I heard it chime though out the house. I waited patiently for Noah’s grandma to make it to the door. When she pulled it open, a smile spread across her sweet face.

  “Emory! What a pleasant surprise. Come in, come in!” She nearly tugged me through the doorframe and pulled me into a hug. She was a tiny little thing. Her body frail, her silver hair pulled back in its usual bun. As always, she carried the scent of lilacs. She pulled away and peered at me through her thick lenses. “It’s good to see you. What brings you by? Not that I’m complaining, mind you! I always enjoy company.”

  “I’m kind of missing Noah today,” I admitted. “I thought you might be missing him too.”

  She chuckled. “Misery does love company.” She padded off toward the kitchen and I followed. When she ordered me to sit, I sat.

  Adelaide did not.

  She began puttering around in her small but immaculate kitchen. She filled a teakettle with water and set it to heat on the stove.

  “Have you heard from him lately?” she asked over her shoulder. She pulled two cups out of the cupboard, and then went to another cupboard to inspect her collection of tea.

  I didn’t particularly like tea, but it looked as though I would be drinking it regardless.

  “I talked to him yesterday after class. He was going out with some friends last night. Some guys he’d just met. I think most of them are in his dorm,” I explained. I did not tell her that he was going to a party. Noah wasn’t a big drinker but I was sure drinking would be involved. There were just some things a grandmother did not need to know. I assumed he must’ve had a late night because I’d tried calling him after leaving my house.

  His phone had gone straight to voicemail.

  And I’d found myself at his grandmother’s front door.

  “Good. He’s a good kid. I’m glad to hear he’s making friends. I haven’t heard from him since he left. But I guess that’s to be expected. I’m sure he’s busy getting settled in. I’m sure most teenage boys don’t rush to call their grandma’s once they head off to college.” She finally settled herself onto a kitchen chair. The smirk she wore negated any edge to her tone.

  I laughed. “No. I suppose not.”

  She asked me how my classes were going. I gave her a rundown of my professors, the amount of homework that was assigned, and how I liked each class so far. When she asked if I’d made any new friends, I exaggerated just a bit and told her about Casey, Beth Ann, and Melanie.

  I asked her how life was going and she informed me that someone had just recently started coming in to help with a few things around the house. The woman mostly helped with cleaning and Adelaide didn’t look entirely happy about this. Noah’s parents had insisted but I got the impression that it made her feel needy and incapable.

  When the teakettle whistled, I offered to finish preparing the tea. She shooed away the idea with a scowl and wave of her hand. A few minutes later she was seated at the table again. Steaming cups of tea sat in front of each of us.

  “Chamomile,” she stated. “It’s supposed to be soothing. You look like you’ve had a bit of a rough morning.”

  And I thought I’d hidden it so well.

  “How is your mother doing these days?” she asked over the rim of her cup.

  I fidgeted with my own cup as I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie to Adelaide. Finally I managed to say, “She’s not doing so well.”

  “I don’t suppose she is. My nephew was killed in the war, Vietnam,” she clarified. “My sister never got over it. She mourned her loss until the day she died. They say there is no greater loss than that of a parent who has to bury a child. It just seems to contradict the natural order of things.” She shook her head sadly. “I just can’t imagine the agony. That is a pain I would never wish upon anyone.”

  I took a sip of the hot liquid. It actually wasn’t too bad.

  “And you? How are you doing?” Adelaide demanded.

  I realized then that the small talk about classes, friends, and hired help had ended.

  “I’m doing okay,” I decided. “I’m just really trying to concentrate on school right now. That keeps me busy. It helps to stay busy.”

  She nodded knowingly. Noah’s grandpa had been gone for a few years now. But after being with someone for over fifty years, I imagined that was also a pain that never went away.

  “I’m sure it was disappointing when you found out you wouldn’t be able to go off to school with Noah. But I bet your mom sure appreciates having you around.”

  I was pretty sure that ‘appreciates’ wasn’t entirely accurate. I thought it would be snarky to point that out so I just let it go. Instead I said, “I think Ty’s happy to have me around.”

  She nodded. “I’m sure he is. I know you’re trying to get your grades up so that you can go to Hudson next year. I have no doubt that you’ll be able to do that. I’m sure your mom and little brother will miss you terribly.”

  I nodded but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I had been fooling myself to think that they’d be better off if I was gone. It had been ridiculous to think that Mom would pull h
erself together for Tyler’s sake. I knew that now. After the mess we’d come home to last night, and the conversation she and I’d had this morning, I knew that now. There was no ignoring it, no wishing it away. No pretending that everything would be okay.

  I’d been fooling myself.

  I didn’t see how I could possibly leave.

  I didn’t think I could do that to Tyler. It wouldn’t be fair. He was far too young to have to deal with the things I’d been dealing with. When I thought of leaving him behind, my stomach ached and my insides twisted.

  “I don’t…I don’t know if I’m going to be able to leave them. And if I stay, I don’t know what that’s going to mean for Noah and me. Nine months apart is a lot. But four years? How does any relationship survive that?”

  That realization had been wiggling around in the back of my mind for months. I hadn’t allowed it to fully form, hadn’t allowed all of the pieces to slide together to show me the big picture. Until now. Now, I’d just laid out my biggest fear.

  She was quiet for a few moments. Her eyes never left me. I knew she was searching for answers to the things I’d left unsaid.

  “I know it seems like an honorable thing to do,” she finally said. “But you cannot live your life for other people. Not for your mom, your brother, or even Noah. You need to determine what you need, what’s right for you. And then you need to make that happen. If you do that, the rest of your life will just fall into place.”

  I felt a trace of a smile grace my lips. Her words sounded like something that Caleb would say.

  “If you and Noah are meant to be, you’ll find a way. I know things were different back then, but Noah’s grandpa and I had just started dating when World War II broke out. He enlisted and I didn’t know if I would ever see him again. We didn’t have…oh, what do you call it…electronic mail? Or cell phones. Even good old fashioned mail was almost non-existent during the war. All we had to go on was our faith. And love. It got us through.”