by Meg Jolie
“Noah, a lot has happened this past week.” I needed to choose my words carefully. I owed him the truth, as he’d just given me. Yet I wasn’t sure just how much of the truth I was willing to give. I realized he was watching me, waiting for more of an explanation. “I’m seeing someone. In fact, we’re going out tonight. I think maybe you should go before he gets here.” I stood up, hoping to usher him to the door.
He stayed seated. He shook his head. I wasn’t sure if it was in denial over me having a date, or if he was telling me he wasn’t leaving.
“Cancel it,” he said. His face was expressionless. “Cancel your date so you and I can talk. You don’t want this break up any more than I do.”
“I don’t know what I want,” I said quietly. “But I’m not canceling my date. You and I can talk tomorrow. You should really go.”
“Why won’t you cancel? I’m here. I only have the weekend. You can’t really want to go out with someone else.” Hurt settled into his eyes, creasing them in the corners. “Do you?”
I nodded slowly. I needed to make him see that thing weren’t as simple as he thought they were. Not anymore.
“Who is this guy?” he demanded. When I remained silent he said, “Do you actually…do you want to go out with him?”
“Noah, please—”
“You like this guy?” He scrubbed a hand over his face but remained seated. I wasn’t any closer to getting him out the door now than I was ten minutes ago.
“It’s complicated.”
“How complicated?”
I folded my arms over my stomach, trying to stop the never-ending ache that had settled there. I didn’t want to have this discussion. Not now, not ever. Judging by the way he was looking at me, if he ever found out what I’d done, it would gut him.
“Oh, wow,” he said under his breath. His expression hardened. “You accused me of having feelings for someone else…and look at you. How long has this been going on?”
“It’s not like that,” I said. “I never let myself feel anything until you and I were over.”
“Until we were over? And then what?” he demanded as he finally got to his feet. “Then what?!” he repeated when I didn’t say anything. “What did you do? Why is it complicated?”
“Noah…,” my voice cracked, broke in two as I said his name.
“Did you…did you screw someone else?” His tone was incredulous but his eyes were full of agony.
“I really think you should go,” I said as I moved toward the door.
He shook his head at me, his disbelief evident. “I haven’t called you because I thought we both needed some space to cool down. I didn’t think you’d…” He shook his head, not willing to continue. “I thought I’d have some time.”
“I’m sorry, Noah,” I said in frustration. “I didn’t realize our break-up came with ground rules!”
“Ground rules, no. But a little bit of restraint on your part would’ve been nice. You seriously slept with someone else?! Did you just go out and find some random guy? Why would you do that?” His face crumpled and another piece of my heart chipped and broke.
“It wasn’t some random guy.”
“Who was it then? Someone you’ve been seeing for a while? Have you been cheating on me? Is that why you’ve been so distant? Is that why you wanted to visit me, so you could tell me that?”
“No. It wasn’t random. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Caleb.”
The color drained from his face. His body began to tremble. “Really. I wasn’t aware.”
“I started spending time with Caleb because of Tyler. You know how good he’s been to Tyler. After you left, he started to invite me along.”
“And you never thought to mention it?” he demanded.
I shook my head. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I didn’t think it was important enough to mention. No, I was not cheating on you. I would never do that! He was just a friend.”
“Just a friend,” Noah repeated. “So nothing ever happened between you two, until the other night?”
I didn’t know how to answer that question.
Noah threw his hands up in the air. His expression turned thunderous. “Something did happen, didn’t it?”
“He…he kissed me a few weeks ago. It completely took me by surprise. I didn’t kiss him back. I swear it,” I said.
“Obviously you didn’t think to mention that to me either,” he said sarcastically.
“It was a mistake. He apologized. I didn’t want to bring it up because he said it would never happen again. And it didn’t. Nothing happened until last week. After you told me you had feelings for Amanda. It wasn’t until after you said you didn’t think you could do this anymore, that you didn’t want to do this anymore. ”
“When I said I couldn’t do this, I mean the distance! Not us!” His gaze cut into me. “If Amanda had kissed me and I didn’t tell you, how would you feel?”
I lowered my gaze, letting that thought take hold. He had a valid point. I would’ve been furious. “You’re right,” I said.
“You can blame me for our problems but at least I was honest the other night when I said I thought I might have feelings for Amanda. You? You could’ve told me about Caleb then.”
“I didn’t realize I had feelings for him.” That was the truth. Wasn’t it? Was it true? Had I just been lying to myself? Ignoring my warring emotions?
He stared at me, trying so hard to keep his face expressionless. I could see his emotions battling just under the surface. He reached up, fisting his hands in his hair as his gaze dropped to the floor. “Tell me you didn’t sleep with him,” he rasped out. It was as if his mind was just now wrapping around the realization, fully grasping it. “Tell me you didn’t.”
“We broke up, Noah.” It wasn’t an answer to his question but I felt I needed to defend myself.
“I thought you were just saying things in the heat of the moment,” he said miserably. “I didn’t think you were serious. I mean, that discussion, it never should’ve happened. I sure as hell didn’t think you’d run to someone else that night!”
“Noah!” I cried. “You told me you had feelings for someone else! That’s kind of a deal breaker in a relationship. So do not turn this around on me!”
“I said my feelings for her were complicated. I didn’t say I wanted to go fuck her the first chance I got!”
I reeled backward, shocked by his words. Noah rarely lost his calm. He had never, ever cursed at me. I was readying myself to verbally retaliate when I stopped to take a good look at him. His face was etched with misery. His eyes were glossy with unshed tears. He dropped down onto the couch, bracing his elbows on his knees. He fisted his hands and propped his chin on them.
“How did this happen to us?” he ground out.
I didn’t have a chance to answer. The doorbell rang and Noah’s expression turned murderous.
“Noah!” I cried as he jumped up from the couch.
He took off toward the door. I hurried after him.
“Noah,” I said in a warning tone.
He ignored me. He swung the door open to face an unsuspecting Caleb. Caleb’s eyes widened in confusion. Before I could utter a word of warning, Noah’s fist came up, connecting with Caleb’s cheek. Caleb staggered backward.
A shriek of surprise burst out of my mouth. Caleb glanced at me and then backed away as Noah stalked out onto the front porch.
“Please don’t do this!” I frantically begged.
Caleb lifted his hands up, palms outward as he took another step back. His cheek was already beginning to redden and swell. Noah had gotten a punch in because Caleb had been unsuspecting. I wasn’t sure what would happen if Noah went after him again. Noah had never been in a fight before. I was sure that wasn’t the case with Caleb. But Caleb was clearly backing off. I wasn’t sure that Noah would do the same.
His chest heaved and then wordlessly he stomped down the porch steps without looking back. The whole altercation had taken place in a matter of seconds
but it had felt like forever. The moment Noah hit the sidewalk, Caleb moved to me. He grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me inside.
“What the hell was that about?” he demanded. “I mean, I have a pretty good idea. But what the hell?” He reached up, gingerly touching his bruised skin and winced.
“Let me get some ice for that,” I said.
He followed me into the kitchen.
“Emory?”
I pulled in a breath. “For some reason he was under the impression that we didn’t really break up. That everything was just said in the heat of the moment. He was just using this week to cool off and he thought that’s what I was doing to.”
“What the hell does that even mean?” Caleb asked as I handed him the ice pack. “He thought you were just…I don’t know…taking a break or something?”
Or something…I shrugged as tears burned behind my eyes.
“Shit,” Caleb mumbled. “Does he know…?”
He let the words hang there but I knew what he was asking. I nodded.
“I might’ve done some things that I’m not real proud of—kissing you while you were with Noah is top on that list. But I’ve never slept with someone else’s girl,” he said. “I sure as hell don’t want to start that shit now.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I’m not his girl. In fact, I’m pretty sure he hates me right about now.”
His hard gaze cut into me. “How do you feel about that?”
“What? Noah hating me? How do you think I feel? But we broke up! I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“He was here to make up?”
I nodded.
His gaze swung to the entryway and he was silent for a few moments. “Do you want to make up? I mean, do you want to get back together with him?”
Caleb and his damn, impossible questions. I had no idea how to answer that. I didn’t know how I felt. At this point, I wasn’t so sure it mattered how I felt about Noah. He was never going to forgive me. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
Caleb raised himself from the bar stool. He handed me the ice pack.
“I think I should go.”
“What? Why?”
“You and I, that night, it was a mistake. We don’t make any sense. You were feeling emotional, looking for some revenge sex. I know you just wanted to get back at Noah. And you did.”
I shook my head, my anger flaring. “That’s a really shitty thing to say. What happened with you and me, it had nothing to do with Noah. I wanted to be with you. I thought you cared about me! I thought you wanted to be with me.”
He took my hands in his. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. I wanted to snatch my hands right out of his. I didn’t. I stood there, breathlessly waiting to hear what he had to say.
“Do I like you? Yeah. Am I attracted to you? Hell, yeah. Do I regret what happened between us? Maybe I should, but I don’t. Do I think that there could be something between us? Yes. But do I love you?” He shook his head. “Maybe I could someday, if we got the chance to know each other better. But now? I don’t love you like Noah loves you. But more important than that, I don’t love you the way you love him.”
“I didn’t say I still love him,” I whispered.
He shook his head. “You didn’t have to say anything. Even if you don’t realize it, it’s written all over your face.”
“So you’re ending this before it even gets started? Before we even have a chance to see where it goes?”
“I’m ending this before you cross a line of no return with someone who means the world to you. I care enough about you to not let that happen. Not if I can help it. We both know when you came to me, you were rebounding. You were nowhere near over him. It wouldn’t be fair to us, any of us. You, me or Noah. You should go after him.”
“And if I don’t want to?”
He shrugged as he let go of my hands. “I guess that’s something you need to figure out.”
I stood there wordlessly, frozen in place as I watched him go.
Chapter NINETEEN
I drove around, knowing where I wanted to go, but not knowing where I should go. I wanted to visit Adelaide. Her advice was always soothing and spot-on. I didn’t think that would be appropriate. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what I’d done wrong.
There were very few places to go in Ashton that offered any privacy. The one place that came to mind was a place I didn’t actually have permission to be, but I hoped that the owner wouldn’t mind.
I parked my car on the side of the narrow road and walked the short distance to the riverbank on the McNamara’s property. If Dylan’s dad stopped by, I hoped that he wouldn’t mind. I had a suspicion he wouldn’t if I let him know that Evan was my brother. Dylan and Evan had been friends for years.
I dropped down on the river’s edge. I closed my eyes and listened to the water gushing along. I pulled in a breath of the clean, crisp air. I tried to picture Evan here, fishing with his friends. It was easy to do. If I tried hard enough, I could almost hear his laughter. I could almost hear him bullshitting about the size of a fish he’d caught. I could hear him joking with his friends as they slammed down a few beers under the scorching summer sun.
Damn, I missed him. I missed him so much that every fiber of my being ached with it.
I finally had to push him out of my head when the memories and pain became too much.
How had my life been completely turned upside down in less than fifteen minutes? Noah hated me, Caleb didn’t want me. Both rejections hurt and I wasn’t entirely sure that they were deserved.
Noah had acted as if I had betrayed him. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t.
To hell with both of them, I told myself. I could think it, but I couldn’t force myself to feel it. I cared about both of them too deeply, in different, but equally intense ways. The loss of them ached nearly as badly as the loss of Evan.
While I couldn’t blame Noah for feeling hurt, I hadn’t seen Caleb’s rejection coming. He’d told me he’d wanted to ask me out since…well, since before Evan had died. He had told me he would be there for me whenever I needed him.
Tonight? He’d just walked away.
He was willing to drop me the first chance he got. How the hell was that supposed to make me feel? Other than absolutely awful? I thought about it for so long that the hurt began to fade. It was replaced with anger instead.
I welcomed anger.
I’d realized over the past few years that it was a distraction. Maybe not a healthy one, but a distraction all the same.
He’d made it sound as though he were doing me a favor. I hadn’t exactly expected Caleb to fight for me, but it would’ve been nice if he hadn’t tossed me aside like a pile of unwanted trash.
He’d told me to go after Noah. I was sure it was a little late for that. I wasn’t sure that was even what I wanted. Seeing Noah again, it had stripped me bare inside. He was the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt.
How did this happen to us?
I pulled my knees up to my chest, folded my arms over them and rested my head. I was so tired of hurting, of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of messing everything up and I was tired of everything going wrong.
Noah’s words continued to echo through my mind. The look of complete agony that he wore clawed at my insides, gouging me, leaving me empty and aching inside. I never wanted Noah to hate me. I wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to look at me again, let alone speak to me.
I realized Noah was right about me. I should’ve shown some restraint. It didn’t matter that I was an adult, and that Caleb was. It didn’t matter that I’d known Caleb for years. It certainly didn’t matter that I was hurting and I’d just wanted to feel wanted.
That, right there, was the crux of it all. Noah had made me feel unwanted. It had hurt. So I’d gone to Caleb because I’d known that he was capable of making me feel better. While I hadn’t planned to start anything with him…I should have shown restraint.
I pulled in a shuddering breath a
s I continued to work my way through my feelings. They were a mess and almost impossible to untangle. Yet one thought was prevalent. Noah had been right. I should’ve shown some restraint out of respect for him and our relationship.
What had I done?
I sat there for hours, just letting the time pass, letting my emotions have their way with me. I cried oceans of tears and rode out the waves of pain. Eventually, I was quiet. I listened to the gentle current flow by and let the sound calm me.
The chill in the air finally sent me on my way. The grass had become covered in dew. I could hear crickets chirping somewhere, hidden nearby. I pulled myself to my feet and mentally shook myself off.
It was an action I was becoming used to.
As I drove home, I tried not to think about anything. My head pounded. I needed to take a shower, as if that could wash away some of this awful feeling, and then I was going to head straight to bed.
When I pulled into the driveway, I was surprised that all of the lights were off already.
I let myself into the entryway and flipped the light on.
The rest of the house was uncomfortably dark and eerily quiet. It was late, but not that late. Tyler should be in bed by now, but Mom was usually up. She usually had the TV on. A little shiver of dread slowly crept up my spine. I hurried up the staircase. Tyler’s room was the first door on the left. It was open, as usual. My hand patted against the wall until my fingers hit the light switch.
The room was flooded with brightness. Tyler’s bed was unmade.
It was empty.
His football uniform was in a heap in the middle of the floor.
It was a familiar sight. He was terrible about picking up after himself.
At least I knew that they had been here.
So where in the hell were they now?
The feeling of dread intensified. I raced down the hallway to Mom’s room. It was the same scenario. She no longer bothered to make her bed most days. With the covers half off, it was clear that her bed was empty too.
I quickly made my way down the staircase. A door off the entryway opened into the garage. I swung it open. Mom’s car wasn’t there.