by Amanda
He kept talking about one day when they could really be married, and every time he said it she felt like a knife sliced right through her, she wanted, more than anything to live that life with Brian, to be his wife, bear his children, to love him, and to be loved by him. But she couldn’t. Even if she could stand to be touched by him, make it through the day without a flashback, or the night without a nightmare, even if she could be the normal wife he deserved, she wasn’t a person worthy of his love. She wasn’t the woman he deserved, Brian was a truly good man, and he deserved someone more like him.
"Aria, sweetheart, can I come in? I brought you some toast and tea." Brian was at the door, she was torn between running into his arms and confessing everything, hoping he’d accept her, and telling him to go away. She settled for simply saying; "It’s open." She hadn’t realized how much she was crying until she heard her own voice. She had to get a grip, she wasn’t a crier, she couldn’t be, not in what she did, but these days she seemed to cry at every little thing.
She heard the door open, heard the sound of something being sat on the dresser, and then the sound of footsteps nearing the bed. Her heart picked up pace, she broke out into a cold sweat, and she was back in that dirty room in Nevada, curling into a tiny ball under the blankets, praying it wouldn’t be her turn…
"I’m sorry I keep upsetting you." It wasn’t Jack coming to get her, it was just Brian, she was still covered with the blanket, but she could hear that he had gone across the room to her vanity chair. She worked on controlling her breathing as Brian continued.
"I swear I don’t mean to, and Helen didn’t either. I know you’re hurting, and I know you don’t think you’re capable of a relationship, I know something awful happened to you. Something that I don’t even want to begin to imagine, and I’m so sorry for that. I wish with everything that I have that I could take away all the pain, and all the bad memories, if I could I would go back in time and I’d live through whatever it was in your place, so you’d never have to hurt like this, but I can’t. And it kills me that I can’t." Was this guy for real? He sounded so sincere, and so upset himself, he really did sound like he’d take it all on for her, and she wished he could make her forget, at least. She rolled over and peeked her head out of the top of the blanket, facing him.
She stared at him for what felt like an eternity, worry was etched on his face, he had tears pooling in his eyes, and she was certain he had been crying for her, to her knowledge no one had ever cried for her. It stirred something deep inside her that she’d never felt before. Finally, she spoke again, "I wish you could fix it, I wish I could forget, but I can’t."
"Can you talk to me about it? It might help." She just shook her head, she wanted the memories gone, but didn’t want to put them in his head.
"I understand that, I’m willing to listen, tough, if you ever change your mind. This is all new, to both of us, we just need to take it one day at a time, whatever happens, happens, whatever doesn’t happen, doesn’t happen. We just need to slow down and take it one day at a time, I think we both keep trying to push it one way or another, and we both need to stop. I need to stop living in the future, and you need to stop living in the past, we both need to start living in today. Can you do that with me? Forget about what has happened, what might happen, what you want and don’t won’t, forget about your fears and past, and just focus on being in the moment with me?" Could she do that? Could she quit living in the past and just be? She wasn’t certain, and it was scary to think about, but she owed him, and herself that much. She wanted to leave the past behind her and the future in front of her, the least she could do was try.
"I can try." Was all she said, but his face split in two with a smile that made his eyes sparkle.
"That’s all I can ever ask." He stood then, and strode to the dresser and picked up the tray he brought in, and brought it to her, it had a mug of tea and two pieces of toast on it.
"I’m sure it’s cold by now, but you looked sick, are you not feeling well?" she had almost forgotten about the stuffy nose and sore throat she had woken up with.
"I’ll be okay, just a cold I think, thank you for thinking of me." She gestured to the tray on her lap, and they lapsed into a light, friendly conversation about the weather, their neighbors, and how she was taking to small town life. For the first time that she could recall she felt content in the moment, in just existing with Brian, and seeing where things may go.
9
Aria crept down the stairs early, so as not to wake Brian, she placed the wrapped gift on the table, at his usual spot, and set to work on his favorite breakfast; hash brown casserole. It wasn’t something she would normally make for just the two of them, but it was his birthday and she wanted to surprise him, he’d told her his mom had made it for him every year growing up.
As she worked, she thought back over the last six months that she and Brian had been married; they were still taking each day as it came, still living as friends, and still sleeping separately. She was still amazed at how sweet and considerate he was, he always doted on her, and showed her nothing but respect and affection. He never made a move on her, and never touched her. She felt like she was able to relax a little and just enjoy life, the nightmares and flashbacks were getting less frequent with every passing day.
Her days were no longer dictated by someone else, but by her alone. She had never had so much freedom or control over her own life. She’d decided not to get a job after all, but helped out at Zimmer’s a few times a week, in exchange for good food, and even better company, and kept both of Brian’s offices clean and organized, though he’d said she didn’t need to she felt bad that Helen was getting paid to do a job and not doing it. She was free to spend her days however she’d like, and she did, she found she loved quilting and baking, and had started spending a lot of time with Anna. The first and only friends she had ever had were right here, in Hanesworth.
The phone ringing shook her from her thoughts, and she raced to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Aria, it’s Helen."
"Hey, Helen, what’s wrong?"
"I was coming out of the bank when I saw James and Genie, and Julia and Steven with the kids going into Zimmer’s." She felt the blood drain from her face.
"Brian’s Parents? They didn’t tell us they were coming, what are they doing here?"
"They said they were tired of being put off and were ready to meet you, so they came back to surprise you both for Brian’s birthday. I thought you’d want to know so you can decide how to handle it." She heard Brian come into the kitchen behind her, and turned to face him, trying to force a smile for him.
"Okay, thanks, Helen, I really appreciate the heads up."
"No problem, sweetie, and your secret’s safe with me." She could picture Helen winking as she said it, and chuckled. She put the phone back in the base and felt the panic wrap around her, as far as Brian’s family knew they were a happily married couple, not two friends sharing a home. She hated lying, but she’d hate disappointing them with the truth even more.
"What’s going on? What is Helen giving you a heads up about, and why do you look white as a ghost about it?" Brian was studying her intently. She had to come up with a plan, she stared back for a few long moments and then started moving toward the stairs.
"I need you to help me bring all of my things from my room and bathroom down to your room, and we need to hurry." She no longer worried about his reactions to her thoughtless words, she knew that he would never lash out at her in anger.
"What? Why?" The shock and confusion was evident in his voice, but he was following behind her up the stairs anyway.
"Your family is in town, they’re going to be surprising us soon." She said matter of factly as she walked to her closet and picked up a large section of clothing, she was impressed with how even her voice sounded, because she was anything but calm on the inside.
"Are you sure you want to do this? We can tell them the truth, I’m sure they’ll understand."
"No, I feel bad enough that I can’t be the wife I should be to you as it is, I don’t want to feel like any more of a disappointment to your parents than I already do." He stared into her eyes for a few seconds, and then nodded.
"You’re right, I’ll sleep on the floor. Now, we better get a move on." He pulled the rest of the clothes from the closet and followed her down the stairs into his bedroom; it was the only room she had never been in. It had always felt too personal.
"You can have that closet, why don’t you get started on hanging these, and I’ll start hauling the rest of your things down." She nodded and dropped her pile of clothes on top of the one he’d left on the bed. She opened the door to the closet farthest from the door, that he had indicated and gasped, she thought the other rooms had walk in closets, this was even bigger, it was a room all its own. She didn’t have time to ponder the size of the closet, who knew how long it would be before they had company?
She had just hung her last top when Brian strode in with a hamper and dumped it on the bed in place of the clothes she had just hung. "This is everything from your room and all of your personal items from the bathroom. This is your room now too, just move whatever you need in the dressers or bathroom. I’m going to strip and re-make the bed, and do a final sweep upstairs."
"Thank you." She immediately got to work on the pile on the bed.
It felt strangely natural to see her clothing tucked in the drawers next to Brian’s and her shampoo sharing the same shelf. She didn’t want to get too hung up on that at the moment, she had too much to worry about before meeting her new in-laws. She scanned the room trying to think of anything else she needed to do when her eyes landed on the bed and she remembered Brian’s birthday present, it suddenly seemed like a stupid idea. She raced to the dining room and picked it up just as Brian was coming out of the laundry room.
"I put your bedding in the linen closet upstairs; we’ll have to remember to wash it before we use it again. I put your laundry from the bathroom in the laundry room, and I think that’s everything." He looked at the clock on the stove, "Wow, we did that much quicker than I thought."
"Thanks for your help, I’m sorry I had to ruin your surprise." She started making her way back to the bedroom to hide his present, but he noticed and stopped her.
"It’s fine, I understand why you did. What’s that?" He asked, pointing to the present she was trying to hide behind her back.
"Ummm, nothing, we can worry about it later. Breakfast should be done, do you mind pulling it out of the oven while I put this away?"
"No problem. Why don’t you do a quick check upstairs, too, just to make sure I got everything."
She nodded and made her way back to his bedroom, she put the present in the closet she was using and turned to leave. She paused when she noticed his dresser for the first time, she’d been too busy to notice it earlier. On his dresser were six framed snapshots, one of his sister’s kids, one of him with his family, and one of him and his sister, of the other three two were of just her, and the last was of Brian teaching her to ride Thunder.
It was beautiful, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before, the sun was setting behind them, and they were looking at each other, laughing like fools, her up in the saddle, staring down at him, and he on the ground, holding a lead rope. Anna had taken the picture, but for some reason had never shown it to her, and neither had Brian, for that matter. She turned to the other two, the first was from her first time on the Erickson’s trampoline, it was taken midair, her hair flying all around her and a look of pure joy on her face. The last was of her cooking, she was wearing an apron Anna had made for her that was splattered in pasta sauce, but again she had that same look of joy plastered on her face.
She fought down the tears, when was the last time she had been as happy as she was here? This was the first time she could remember that she was truly happy, she loved everything about this place and these people. Marrying Brian was the best stupid thing she’d ever done.
She didn’t realize that Brian had these printed, much less that he’d framed them and put them on his dresser where he’d see them every day. He must really care about her, it was such an adorable, sweet thing to do, it brought the tears back to her eyes. She scrubbed them away with the back of her hands and went back to the dinning room where Brian was pouring the coffee.
After he’d asked the blessing she began to ask him about the photographs, she was curious what his reasons for not telling her about them were, when they heard a vehicle pull up outside and Jax started barking.
10
"Looks like we have company," Brian said lightly, but when he looked at Aria she had gone pale and rigid; something that had been her general state of being when she first arrived, but thankfully this reaction was becoming more rare all of the time. "Sweetheart, they’re going to love you, just take a breath and relax, okay? They won’t bite…well, that’s not true, Julia said that Jonathon was teething and becoming quite the biter." He shot her a wink as he stood, and was relived to see her giggle slightly.
They went out the rarely used front to door to meet their expected surprise guests. Brian was elated to see his family again after so many months, though they talked and Skyped several times a week it wasn’t the same as having them here, in the flesh. They had put them off for the last six months, every time they suggested a visit Brian and Aria would come up with an excuse. He hated putting them off, but he didn’t want to push Aria before she was ready. He prayed she was ready for this visit.
"Wow, what a surprise!" And it was…an hour ago. "What’re you guys doing here? You didn’t tell us you were coming!" He said as his mom came running up the walk toward them, no one else had even gotten past their open doors yet.
She threw her arms around him in a tight hug that warmed his heart and felt like home, he missed his family. "We wanted to surprise you for your birthday, well, that’s part of it, we couldn’t wait to meet our beautiful daughter in law," she said, moving to hug Aria as everyone else made their way up the walk.
He watched Aria’s reactions as everyone wrapped their arms around her, she must have been prepared for the contact, she appeared relaxed and open with everyone, with just a slight stiffening of her spine that was only visible to someone that had spent too many hours staring at her and memorizing her body.
"How long are you able stay?" He asked as he finished his breakfast, they had all moved inside and talked about the trip as he and Aria finished their interrupted breakfast.
"Two weeks, we’ll leave on the seventeenth." His dad said as he pushed away from the table, "Steven, help me haul in this luggage, Brian, do you care which rooms we take?"
"Not at all, the only two in use are…ours," he hesitated over calling it that, "and one of the upstairs rooms is Aria’s sewing room." Brian helped his dad and Steven with the luggage, it was astounding how much three small children needed for two weeks, no wonder Todd and Anna never went on vacation.
Steven, Julia, and the kids took the four downstairs rooms, and his parents settled in the room that was usually Aria’s. They spent the morning catching up and getting to know Aria a little more, she was surprisingly comfortable with them. She had become more at ease and less jumpy over the last few months, he was worried that with the stress of meeting his family she would lapse back into that scared, withdrawn, shell of a woman she was six months ago, but she hadn’t, she was laughing and smiling along with the rest of his family.
Ami, who had just celebrated her fifth birthday, had taken to Aria like a fish to water, within the first few minutes of meeting her. Ami stuck close to her side and insisted on helping her make lunch while the adults unpacked and cleaned up and Brian played with his two nephews. He loved watching Aria with children, he often got to see her with Anna’s little ones and knew that she was great with kids, especially Elisabeth, the newest Erickson.
Something about watching her patiently guide their young niece through making walking tacos-Ami’s choice-warmed h
im completely, but also filled him with a longing more intense than he’d ever felt before. A longing to have children was something he was accustomed to, he was even used to longing to have with them Aria, but this was more intense, and more painful than he’d felt before. He wanted the boys he was building blocks with to be their boys, he wanted the little girl she was cooking with to be theirs, and he wanted the baby that was just starting to show in Julia’s stomach to be in hers.
He was jealous of his sister. He wanted to see his wife growing round with his child, wanted the pitter patter of little feet to never leave, he longed for the laughter and toys strewn around the house, and they’d only been here a few hours.
As if reading his thoughts he heard Ami ask, "Auntie Ari," she had been calling her that since they met, no matter how many times they’d told her her name was Aria, Aria didn’t seem to mind. "When are you and Uncle Brian going to have a baby like my mom’s having?"
Brian’s ears perked up, awaiting her answer, she took her time replying. "Babies aren’t very predictable, some people take longer to have babies than other people for a whole bunch of different reasons, and some people are never able to have babies. So, I guess the answer is; I don’t know."
The other adults had joined them during her explanation, though she must not have noticed because she jumped when she noticed the four new pairs of eyes staring at her. By the looks of pity on their faces, he assumed that they had come to the conclusion that they weren’t physically able to have children, not that they hadn’t tried. Before anyone could jump in, Ami trudged right along with her questioning, oblivious to the watching eyes and listening ears.