The Dirty Version

by Hadley Quinn

  “And she just went along with it, hoping you’d change your mind?”

  He sighed at my candidness. “Maybe so. I don’t know. If so, I honestly didn’t realize that until just a bit ago. I didn’t know she’d be so mad about it.”

  Internally, I groaned. Why were guys so stupid when it came to stuff like that? I suppose there were women whose thinking was along the same lines—totally okay with casual—but my initial reaction was in defense of that Carly chick. Then again, if you can’t stand up for yourself and set boundaries with people, there’s nothing to respect. What you allow is what you’ll always get.

  Sounded a bit familiar. I wondered how things would have turned out if I hadn’t let loose on Josh after my brother’s game.

  “You think less of me,” he stated, his disappointment apparent.

  Actually, I felt relieved that he hadn’t been banging everything in sight. Was that weird? Having a go-to booty call was the lesser of the two, right?

  “I don’t think less of you,” I answered truthfully. “If she was the only one you were sleeping with the last few years, that’s better than the alternative.”

  “Abstinence?” he asked, trying to be clever. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m just…This is so awkward,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “And I know why it is, so I’m okay with that, but I’m pleading for your hand in dating, and instead, have to fumble through explanations for things that were pre-Jolie.”

  I could see his point. The past was in the past, wasn’t that what I’d been trying to tell myself? He’d come up to kiss me goodnight, and then I accosted him with inquiries.

  How fun was I?

  But I didn’t regret it. I wasn’t about to let things slide so easily these days.

  “Josh, you don’t have to explain yourself this very moment. You’re right, stuff like this will come up on its own, and we’ll have time to share things when we’re both ready. I want to trust you, though, so I want to make sure I’m the only one you’re involved with. I need to know that. It’s the only way we can move on. If that’s what you want.”

  “Yes, it’s what I want. Will you give me a chance? I will always answer anything you ask. And…there are things I want to talk about when I know how to. Let me prove myself.”

  I slowly nodded, feeling his sincerity without having to search for it. I believed him; I believed in him. I wanted the opportunity to learn more about him and how we meshed—if there was even the possibility for anything more.

  Because what if there wasn’t? Or what if he only talked a big game like Chris?

  I sighed, forcing myself to discard my fears. “As long as you understand where I’m coming from, Josh, then yes. I want to give it a try.”

  He smiled. And yes, it melted my heart.

  “One last thing,” he said. “Are you free on Sunday? I’d like to take you on a date. Just the two of us this time. What do you say?”

  I pursed my lips in thought. “What kind of date?”

  “Casual. A casual activity. Nothing casual between us.” The excitement in his eyes made my pulse race.

  “All right,” I agreed. “It’s a date.”

  “Okay.” He smiled again. “You have Sundays off, right? I’ll come by around ten?”

  “In the morning?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah. Is that okay?”

  I pretended to think it over. “Hmm, I suppose so.”

  “Good.”

  He stepped forward and leaned in to kiss me. Just a soft one on my cheek, and then the corner of my mouth. He paused, seeming to test my reaction, and then kissed me on the lips. Chastely, not even any tongue, but just those three kisses caused my heart to swirl with desire.

  “Goodnight, JoJo. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

  I watched him leave, gently shutting the door behind him after giving me one last smile.

  Three sweet kisses and a sexy smile goodbye…and that was probably his dirtiest play yet.

  ~18~

  New life. A determined resolve. Joy for no reason at all.

  Ah, the signs of romance in the air. Those were the feelings I’d been dealing with since Friday night. Josh certainly had me hooked, whether he meant to or not, and if there’d been any sort of strategy involved with his tender kisses, he’d nailed it.

  I was beginning to think my requests had backfired on me. I’d only wanted to avoid being disrespected, but it didn’t mean banning the sexual Josh entirely. He might have deliberately held back to regard my wishes, but I’d almost hoped for the Josh from three weeks ago.

  The dirty version.

  Maybe I needed to be a little clearer about all that.

  When he came upstairs on Sunday precisely at ten, I was ready to go. Again, I wasn’t sure what we’d be doing, so I packed a small day bag just in case. I was shoving a pair of flip flops into it when I answered the door.

  Josh arched an eyebrow. “Planning to ditch me for the beach?” he joked after eyeing the Nikes on my feet and then the bag. He leaned forward and gave me a simple kiss on the lips. I had the urge to grab his shirt and kiss him longer, but he was already arranging space between us. “Good morning. You look beautiful.”

  The compliment was sweet and extremely valued, but his eyes were set deep in mine, conveying more. I guess I was still surprised by how much power they had over me. They seemed to rummage through my soul in a way that both thrilled and vexed me.

  “Thank you,” I replied, stepping past him when he held the door.

  While we made our way to his truck, my eyes subtly took in his movements. I wanted to understand this man in every way, from the small things on up.

  He’d called me that morning to suggest I wear sneakers. When I asked what we’d be doing, he only replied, “Something active.” That could mean anything, and as we left Kensington, he wouldn’t even give me a hint.

  I was a radio jammer by nature, meaning I’d listen to anything that was on and sing along. Even if I didn’t know the lyrics, I could find some part of a song to get into. And if I couldn’t, well, that didn’t matter either.

  Josh had the station set to alternative rock, which didn’t surprise me. I was humming along to Beastie Boys, bobbing my head, trying not to bust into some stupid moves like I would if I’d been by myself.

  “You know this song,” he stated knowingly. “You still keep your talents to yourself. So selfish.” He shook his head, feigning disappointment.

  I laughed. “Hey, those talents are reserved for my alone time. That way I can sing however I want and—”

  “No one can correct you,” he cut in with a chuckle. “Still, Jolie?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed. “It’s a total buzzkill when you’re singing along, enjoying life, and some dickhole has to correct your lyrics. Rude! Those people are happiness haters.”

  He laughed again. “Happiness haters,” he repeated with a nod. “Maybe those people just want you to learn the right lyrics?”

  “Maybe the right lyrics aren’t the point,” I argued playfully.

  “Okay. But I’m a dickhole? Really?”

  I’d meant it in general, but because of the teasing smile on his face, a memory hit me. He’d recalled our first argument ten years ago—the first time we were in his truck together and I belted out in song.

  “Shania Twain is still offended,” Josh added. “Do you still sing, ‘kiss your cock at night’ instead of ‘kiss your car goodnight?’”

  I busted up laughing. There was no way I would have remembered which song we were arguing about, but it came to me perfectly clear all over again. “I can’t even believe you remember that.”

  “How could I forget?” He smiled. “God, it was the funniest thing ever, but you got bent out of shape when I laughed. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I honestly thought you were joking.”

  “Well…I sort of was. I assumed that’s not what it said, but it was too easy to say what you hear so…yeah. And I still do it.” I cast him a side-glance with narrowed eyes.
/>   “Oh, I believe it,” he chuckled again. “Hell, do I believe it.”

  We rode in silence for a minute. My heart was pitter-pattering from the amusing moment but mostly because it felt so good to be laughing with Josh again.

  “Hey, remember that time you lied to my dad?” I asked matter-of-factly.

  “Pssh,” he scoffed. “Very funny, joker. I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

  I couldn’t help my laughter. He’d lied to my father one time and could never get over it. It was something I used to tease him about incessantly.

  “Oh, come on.” I grinned. “You saved him from peril, remember? How do you think he would’ve handled knowing his little girl missed curfew because you were busy fondling my boobs at the river?”

  I swear to God, he blushed. It was the funniest damn thing. He eyed me with a tilt of his head, those eyes sending a myriad of emotions crashing throughout my soul. His focus returned to the road and so did mine, but that storm was still passionately ravaging my chest.

  “Good memories,” I mumbled, for I had nothing else to say.

  “Yeah,” he agreed reverently.

  We rode in silence again. Since all I knew about our destination was that it was still thirty minutes away, I was determined to make good use of the time.

  “Josh,” I began. I paused, but knew he was listening. “I don’t quite know if there was a misunderstanding between us at graduation but…” I turned to look at him. “I thought I was making things easier for you. I’m sorry if I said anything that made you feel like I didn’t want to be with you for any other reason. Honestly, I think I was scared you were just going to find bigger and better opportunities there and forget all about me.”

  Wow, the words out of my mouth were not a lie. It was true. I’d been a big, fucking insecure baby. Maybe I’d been trying to convince myself of something else all this time, because when Josh looked at me again, pangs of guilt and loneliness hit me full force.

  How in the world had I missed the truth? Had I been too absorbed in my own feelings to notice anything else?

  His eyes minded the freeway again, but he reached over and took my hand. After seconds of gently settling his fingers around mine, he replied, “I don’t fault you for any of that, Jo. I really don’t. If anything, I feel the opposite. It was my own doing. I was a coward and couldn’t admit that I loved you.”

  Those words shot through me like a zap of lightning. If all the feelings kept hitting me over and over like they had been, I was worried my heart wasn’t conditioned enough to handle it. I’d experienced more intensity in one month for the man beside me than I ever had in nine years with my ex.

  I inhaled a breath of air, four counts in and four counts out. It didn’t slow my heartrate, but hopefully, it was good for my health in some way.

  “We were young,” I answered softly. “And probably not very wise or perceptive with stuff like that.”

  Maybe it wasn’t adding to the conversation much because Josh remained silent. Perhaps he’d been waiting to hear my feelings had matched his.

  Had they?

  I didn’t think I’d been given a proper chance—because he hadn’t express his feelings for me, so I had no reason to believe I was anyone special to him. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t put in a position to be hurt. Strike first before you get stricken. And I wasn’t very bold about sharing feelings back then.

  Neither was he, apparently.

  Young love. Hopefully it was a lesson learned.

  “So, uh, when do I get to know where we’re headed?” I asked after a few miles had passed. “You promised me ‘a fantastic time.’ How fantastic are we talking here?”

  He finally smiled again. “Scale of one to ten? However fantastic you let it be.”

  “Hmm, sounds subjective to your liking. How screwed will I be?”

  He arched an eyebrow at me. “However screwed you want to be.”

  We weren’t talking about the fantastical adventure anymore, that was for sure. As he took an exit to head east, I considered my reply.

  “Well, I’m willing to risk stepping out of my comfort zone.”

  Again, he cast me a quick glance. I wasn’t sure what I meant, and hopefully, he didn’t either. Maybe I needed at least one more date with him before I started spouting off innuendos.

  “What’s the most adventurous thing you ever tried?” Josh asked after we drifted into another lull.

  I hoped to God he was referring to things outside of the bedroom because that would be a short, embarrassing conversation. I decided to be naïve, just in case. “Adventurous? Hmm, do you mean like riding a motorcycle?”

  “You’ve ridden a motorcycle?”

  “Just dirt bikes at my grandpa’s in Oregon.”

  He nodded. “Ah, yes. You’re a little badass.”

  “Well hey, the last time I did that I was about fourteen. So I haven’t been a badass in a long time.”

  “Well, we’re gonna fix that today.”

  My assumption that we might be revisiting my dirt bike days was incorrect. Instead, Josh pulled onto a narrow country road that was surrounded by trees and little habitation. He parked in a small lot next to a cute single-story cabin.

  A man stepped out on the porch, dressed in a red plaid flannel, overalls, and I swear to all things holy, a Davy Crockett coonskin cap on his head.

  “Hey, hey, howdy, Mr. Cameron! How goes it?” he called.

  As Josh held my door open, he smiled at the cautious look on my face. “Don’t be alarmed,” he whispered. “The guy is super smart and rich, but gives zero fucks about anything. He’s eccentric but cool.”

  I only nodded as he took my hand and led me to the porch, introducing me to the man he addressed as “Woody.” I had no idea if that was his name or if it was because we were in the middle of the damn woods, but I didn’t question it.

  Apparently, the man owned forty acres of land and had turned it into somewhat of a resort for the outdoors. He had everything from paintball fields to rock climbing walls, and after Josh’s ten-minute chat with Woody, I was trying to determine what exactly he had in mind to do that day.

  “You kids have fun!” Woody called as he headed back to the cabin.

  I looked at Josh and shrugged. “So? What are we doing?”

  The grin on his face had me slightly worried. He turned around, looked up, and pointed way into the air. “That.”

  ~19~

  Did I mention I’m not too fond of heights? The higher my eyes traveled upward, the deeper my heart sank into my stomach. I would have even said yes to the rock walls because those didn’t look too bad.

  But a fucking zipline?

  My day went from good to grave, in all of five seconds.

  “There are four of them,” he told me. “They basically form a square. You start here and land at the next platform, and so on and so forth.”

  So on and so forth. I was going to die, so on and so forth.

  “Come on, let’s gear up.” He took my hand and pulled me along. I was honestly speechless and just walked with him to an outbuilding stocked with harnesses and helmets and other things I knew were not going to prevent me from having a heart attack.

  Or pissing my pants.

  “Josh, whoa, hold on,” I finally said, interrupting his instructions for how everything worked. “I can’t do this. There’s no way you’re getting me to even climb up to that treehouse thingy.”

  As cool as the platform above us appeared, I wasn’t hauling my ass up there.

  “What do you mean?” he asked. “It’s perfectly safe, Jo. There’s no way you’ll fall, and you don’t even have to do much. The harness system holds you up and it just slides—”

  “I don’t care how it works,” I cut in. “It’s way too high. I’m not comfortable with it at all.”

  He reluctantly returned a harness to the wall. I could tell he was disappointed, although he didn’t say so.

  “I’m perfectly happy watching you do it, though,�
� I added quickly. “I’ll even take pictures. Video. You go have fun, and I’ll be so thrilled that you did.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not about me. I’ve done this a hundred times. I wanted you to experience it. Gliding through the air between the trees…you just breathe in all this fresh life as your body releases the stress and negativity. There is truly nothing like it.”

  It really did sound amazing, and I did want to try it, but how could I force myself? What would it take, and what kind of spectacle was I going to make of myself?

  It was way easier to decline. “You remember the whole ferris wheel ordeal, don’t you?” I scoffed.

  A curious smile formed at the corner of his mouth. “You mean when you were about to panic because we stopped at the top? I thought that was just so I’d kiss you, Jo.” He chuckled, but I could tell he was now realizing my near-panic attack that night had been real.

  “I truly do not like heights, Josh. I only went because you asked me to, and I thought I could handle it.”

  He pretended to think. “Hmm, so obviously I didn’t do a very good job distracting you. It’s been a decade, Jo. I’m much better at that sort of thing.”

  I scowled at his attempt at humor.

  “Look,” he said, placing his hands on my shoulders. He gave me a soft smile and a gentle squeeze. “I brought you here because I keep thinking about you starting over, and how you felt like you were holding yourself back with the past. I’ve been there. Feeling like you’re subjected or molded a certain way because of things that happened. But let this be your release. Just let it all dissipate into the air so you can have a fresh start. Just try one line, Jo. If you want to try the second one, great. If not, that’s great too. At least you tried something new for the first time. Break into a fresh start in a grand way.”

  He definitely knew how to speak to my inner doubt. Maybe it truly was because he knew what I was going through. I sighed, wanting to comply but too afraid I was going to be a pain in the ass.

  He leaned forward and took my lips with his. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but damn, it was a nice surprise. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back, our tongues tangling and euphoria zipping from my heart to my limbs.