The Dirty Version

by Hadley Quinn

Josh gave me a skeptical frown. “It’s more than just that. You’d understand if you spent more time with her.”

  I felt a bit scolded, and my ears warmed with embarrassment. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “You’re right.”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound condescending. Luke and Claudia have to deal with Freddi in public sometimes, and you wouldn’t believe the looks and comments they get. She even got kicked out of three different preschools. It’s not about bad parenting or lack of discipline; the kid cannot comprehend logic or control her actions sometimes.”

  Again, I wanted to offer suggestions but decided against it. Josh was right, he knew Freddi better than I did. And Luke and Claudia seemed like great parents. I was positive they were doing everything they could to help their daughter. Luke was currently trying to prevent Freddi from taking every kid’s wand to make her own “bazillion bubbles.”

  “ADHD and ODD are the most obvious disorders that have been pinned down right now,” Josh continued. “They’ve always been against medicating Freddi, but I think the doctors they’re working with have convinced them it’s the only option. They’ve tried cognitive behavioral therapy and other things besides medication, but nothing is working.”

  My thoughts wandered to a friend my brother had when he was little. His name was Mikey, and he was the most obnoxious kid I’d ever met. He would get so wild at our house, and sometimes aggressive toward Drew, that my parents had to ban him from our home.

  I wondered if he had a behavioral disorder just like Freddi. Maybe he never consciously meant to be a destructive, disobedient little shit. And that made me feel bad for thinking the worst of him and his parents.

  “How’s the food?” Josh asked, whether to change the subject or to truly inquire.

  I’d moved on to the chicken and mushrooms. “It’s amazing. Did Claudia make all of this herself? Tell me she had a caterer because I’m feeling a bit inferior.”

  “Actually, she is the caterer. She co-owns a catering business here. I’m sure she did a lot of it herself—or at least her company did.”

  “Oh, wow. She’s around all this amazing food all the time, and she’s that super tiny? I think I’d be a cow.”

  Josh laughed. “She’s a marathon runner.”

  Well duh, that explained it. I was slender but couldn’t run a mile if someone held a gun to my head. Well…maybe I could. However, I don’t think any amount of running would ever counter the amount of delicious food I’d consume if it was in front of me all the time.

  “I’m not built for running,” I answered dryly. “I love sports, and I’ll work out and stuff, but no to the running for the sake of running.”

  “I hear ya,” he nodded. “Not my favorite thing.”

  I eyed him pensively, deciding not to let myself think about him working out in any way whatsoever. He obviously took care of himself based on his physique.

  “Swimming,” he said.

  I raised my eyebrows in question.

  He shot me a cocky smirk and added, “The way your eyes are looking me over, you’re wondering my preference of cardio. Very little clothing and a full body workout. It’s swimming.”

  I grunted at his arrogance, but he only laughed.

  We finished off the two plates of food, and by “we,” I mostly mean Josh. I ate enough to conquer hunger, but really, I was too nervous to eat much. Being at a family birthday party was fairly comfortable. Being there with Josh worried me. It meant he felt relaxed enough around me to take me there, and I wasn’t sure what to think of that. A family function as a first date was probably dating taboo number one. Well, at least within the top five.

  Yet, there I was, and I knew I would have done it a second time if he’d asked.

  ~17~

  “Tell me one thing you wish you would have or could have done in the past ten years.”

  Have a baby, I wanted to blurt out. But talking about babies was definitely on the first date no-no list.

  “Umm…” I tried to think of something more trivial. “Well, I’d say travel. I’ve always wanted to travel more.”

  “And where would you like to go?” Josh asked as he pulled into his driveway. He put the truck in park and killed the engine.

  “Nowhere in particular. I have a list, but it’s nothing outrageous. I’d love to see Philadelphia and all the history there. Never been to Washington D.C., either. And I think it would be fantastic to see somewhere mountainous, like Colorado, or stay in a cabin in the Smokies. I’ve never been anywhere, really, so maybe that’s where I’d like to start.”

  I could feel his eyes on me, but I was too afraid to look at him. My feelings for Josh had grown since spending time with his family. I’d even re-met his dad halfway through the evening, who remembered me and even teased me about being the high school girlfriend. I loved my own dad, but he wasn’t that affectionate sometimes. He was old-fashioned in the “head of the household” sort of way, but he was definitely my father rather than friend or confidante.

  Dale Cameron was almost the opposite. He was very approachable, and he spoke to me like I was already an important person in his life. He treated me as if my heart and soul mattered. I felt respected and treasured within spending ten minutes with him.

  On the drive home, I mentioned how much I liked Josh’s dad.

  “He seems pretty fond of you,” he replied, and then he paused in such a way, it made me wonder if there was more to it.

  “Is there something else I need to know about that?” I asked carefully.

  “Well, my mom always liked you. She said there was something special about how you carried yourself, how you smiled. My dad remembered that, especially after prom. She was sure we’d, uh, we’d get married someday.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that other than telling him how sorry I was that she was gone. He only stated how much he missed her but didn’t seem to want more discussion on it. Nothing more was said until we’d pulled into his driveway and he asked about my wishes.

  There were moments with Josh when the past crept out. He’d put his arm around me while we stood talking to his brother. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world for him to do. I didn’t know if he did it on purpose or out of habit, but I liked it.

  I’d been falling for him all over again.

  “Jolie,” he spoke softly, gaining my attention in the truck. He waited until I forced myself to look at him. The outdoor light by the garage cast a soft glow over his features. His eyes were relaxed and focused on me, but his mouth seemed pensive and unsure. “I, uh…” He released a soft sigh, and reached over to pat my thigh. “Thanks for coming tonight.”

  A thigh pat. My heart waned with disappointment.

  He opened his door and stepped out. It was obvious he’d switched courses with whatever he was going to say. My door eventually opened, and I realized he was being a gentleman in doing so. Trying not to think too much, I hopped out and allowed him to close up his truck for the night.

  “Goodnight, JoJo.” He kissed my forehead and took a step back, opening the path to the apartment stairs. I might’ve thought he was waiting for an invitation to follow me, but he wasn’t sending that vibe. There was no makeout session by his truck, no hands down my pants, no tongue in my mouth…

  Just a simple peck on the forehead.

  “Goodnight, Josh. Thank you for tonight.”

  I made a quick exit and climbed the stairs, unlocking the door and shutting it behind me in record time. My thoughts were in disarray, seeming to compete with the state my heart was in. I wanted to invite him in because of my physical desire for him, but my mind was suiting up to play the cautious role.

  I was so confused.

  It was barely ten-thirty when I laid down on the bed. I’d planned on watching a movie on my laptop. My focus was on Josh instead. I tried not to overanalyze every little thing, but it was hard not to. Anna had once mentioned it was fate that we’d come across each other again—Claudia had even mentioned the word
—and I couldn’t help wondering if they were right.

  Hell, I didn’t even know if I believed in that kind of stuff anyway.

  Voices outside caught my attention, particularly a deeper one whom I assumed was Josh. I made my way to the window and peeked out, carefully hiding myself from sight. A blonde woman was walking up the driveway, and when she met up with Josh, he turned and they both went into the house.

  I stood at the window for a minute, trying to rationally process what I saw. I knew better than to jump to conclusions, but my experiences with Chris told me otherwise. Sometimes things were just how they seemed, no matter how much someone tried to justify it.

  Returning to the bed, I decided to push it aside. But…I couldn’t. Spending time with Josh that night had reached me in a new way. I was emotionally invested, and even though I believed I’d always been emotionally invested, I was now in too deep to walk away.

  I had to call Anna and ask what she thought.

  “Girl, if that boy took you to meet his family and then hooked up with a booty call, balls are gonna roll.”

  “I’m not going to assume that, but it does worry me.”

  “Yeah, with good reason! Go down there, Jo. Knock on his door.”

  Damn, I hadn’t even considered that. Would that be the smart thing to do or not? I wanted to trust him; I also wanted to save myself the heartache if I couldn’t.

  The front door to the house shut. “Shh, just a sec,” I whispered into the phone, springing up from the bed.

  “Well, they can’t fucking hear me, Jo, so who are you shushing?”

  Peering out the window again, I saw the blonde walk briskly to her car, get in, and drive off. It’d been less than five minutes, so the possibility of them having some kind of quickie that was that quick was kind of slim.

  “Nuh-uh,” Anna argued. “That’s plenty of time for wham-bam-thankya-ma’am.”

  “Shut up. Whose side are you on?”

  “Yours. Always yours.”

  I knew she meant well, but maybe bringing Anna into my stress-fest hadn’t been the best idea.

  “I gotta go,” I said. “This whole situation makes me tired.”

  “Just be you, Jolie. Don’t rush anything and listen to your gut. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Learn who this new Josh is and what he’s all about, okay? I got your back no matter what. I’m here if you need me, but also trust yourself.”

  I needed to hear that. I thanked her and hung up, exhaling my frustrations out loud. It’d only been a month since reconnecting with Josh Cameron, and I was pressuring myself too much.

  Maybe it was too soon.

  But I couldn’t deny how my heart reacted to him. I couldn’t push aside that kind of chemistry with Josh. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before—not with him ten years ago, or with Chris, or anyone. Ever. I’d grown up. I now felt I had more knowledge under my belt. I’d cared about Chris, respected our marriage, and truly set forth to build a life with him.

  But, looking back, I wondered if I’d ever been in love with him.

  And that reality sometimes made me feel sick.

  Climbing back in bed, I could sense those inklings of regret build once again, and my eyes pricked with tears. Almost ten years of my life wasted on someone who only treated me as an acquisition. Chris had worked, provided a nice home for us, and I didn’t need anything in life…except affection. And respect. To be priority number one.

  I wanted my heart to be taken care of more than anything.

  “Stop living in the past,” I growled at myself. “There is nothing you can do about it.”

  I tried listing all the things I could consider positives when it came to that time in my life; it was difficult. I know struggles can result in learning your own strengths and all that, but all I could really surmise was that my patience for people had thinned and certain characteristics in others rubbed me the wrong way.

  Burned and bitter. I knew it was okay to feel that way—I was still healing—but I was truly ready to graduate from being that person.

  Rap, rap, rap.

  My heart froze at the sound from the door. I wasn’t scared by strangers because I assumed it was Josh, but why was he there?

  “Jo?” he softly asked through the door. “Are you awake?”

  I threw the covers off and made my way across the room. Pausing, I glanced down at myself. I wasn’t exactly dressed for company, so I grabbed the throw blanket from the bed and wrapped it around myself.

  He was knocking again when I opened the door, and seeing Josh standing there in front of me caused the butterflies to flutter again.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked.

  His eyes drifted past me, scanning the room. “Do you, uh, have company?”

  I shook my head, confused. “No. Was just in bed.”

  “I heard voices.”

  I studied him carefully. He seemed suspicious. “Voices plural, or just mine?” I inquired. “Because I think I was talking to myself.”

  The corner of his mouth twitched, like he wasn’t sure. And I suppose I was standing there blocking the doorway with a blanket hiding my body.

  I took a step back and pulled the door open. “Come on in.”

  He hesitated before following me inside.

  I shut the door and waited for him to speak. He was trying to subtly scan the room again. I even saw him lean just slightly to get a better view of the bathroom.

  Sighing, I said, “There’s no one else here, Josh. I honestly talk to myself sometimes.”

  Finally, he seemed to relax a little. “Okay.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  He shifted his stance. “Kind of. I just…I felt like something was missing at the end of the day. Between you and me.”

  My chest tightened. Great. My feelings for this guy were getting stronger, and he thought there was something missing?

  “What do you mean?” I needed clarification.

  “I just…” He looked past me for a few seconds before settling on my face again, his eyes exploring mine intently. “I just wanted to kiss you goodnight but…wasn’t sure if that was okay.”

  I swallowed, my pulse quickening again. Despite his need to be devilish with me, he was trying to respect my previous complaints. “Josh, I…”

  Didn’t know what to say. I was indecisive at the least and wasn’t sure I liked that quality in myself. It’d been necessary to establish some boundaries when I went off on him on my brother’s birthday, but as long as he didn’t fuck with my feelings like before, affection was welcomed.

  But I still had rules.

  “I wanted you to kiss me earlier,” I admitted easily. “Like seriously needed you to. But I’m so scared of being hurt, scared of things happening like they did before. I’m not the type who can just fool around with a guy and move on. I want more than that. I want the exclusivity with someone, an actual relationship. Can’t do casual, and I won’t.”

  The seriousness etched across his face was commanding, but I couldn’t be sure of what it meant. I’d basically just given him an ultimatum.

  “Exclusivity,” he repeated. “Relationship. Are you speaking in general or…? Does that include me?”

  “Especially you,” I whispered. “Specifically you.”

  His face softened, and I could see his chest relax. He rubbed his forehead briefly, like he wasn’t sure how to proceed, and exhaled as his arm dropped to his side and shoulders eased.

  He softly cleared his throat. “I know I came off a bit irresponsible to you at first, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me. Seeing you again, and spending time with you…it was real to me. I haven’t felt that way in —You affect me in a way I’ve never experienced. I’m sorry for being so careless with you, sorry for making you feel like less than you are. The truth is, I didn’t know how to handle my feelings for you. I don’t even know what has caused that in the last ten years, but it’s not something I can control. I came up here to tell you that, I gues
s. To let you know how much you mean to me. And…to ask if I could try that relationship with you.”

  A lump formed in my throat. “You want that? With me?”

  “Yes.”

  I slowly nodded while trying to process the new information. I was elated to hear him say that, but my thoughts drifted to the woman. Of course. The moment had been too perfect without having some sort of glitch.

  “Who came by earlier? The blonde.”

  His face noticeably changed. “You mean Carly?”

  “Don’t know her name. You tell me.”

  He stared at the floor, and my heart fell. God, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, whatever it was. I already feared the worst.

  “She’s an old hookup,” he admitted, as his eyes met mine again. I could read the guilt loud and clear. “Something casual every couple of weeks. For the past few years, it’s only been her on occasion.”

  I couldn’t form the words for a response. It was the very thing I’d just lectured him about wanting to avoid.

  “I haven’t spent any time with her since I saw you again, Jolie,” he added keenly. “I swear to you. When I saw you at the coffee shop, it was like everything in my life just exploded in my face. My perspective flipped like a switch. My life felt wrong, my way of thinking felt wrong, and I was hit with an overall feeling of regret. Just seeing you one time changed everything.”

  I hadn’t wanted to believe that girl had been a hookup, but was trying to consider his timeline. “So earlier, when she came over…”

  “No, that’s not what it was. Like I said, when I ran into you the first time, I dropped everything with Carly. Haven’t called her, and haven’t answered her calls. She came by to see if I was okay.”

  I took a silent breath of air. “And?”

  “And…I told her I met someone.”

  “And?”

  “And…she was upset.”

  “Why?”

  “Because…”

  “Why was she upset?” I asked firmly.

  “Because I guess she’d hoped for something more with me,” he confessed. “But I told her from the beginning what I told you before—that I wasn’t looking for anything like that these last few years. I wasn’t willing to give anyone my time or a full commitment.”